cpheonix Reviews

Commando (1985)

This isn't one of Arnie's best films? Wrong.

[9/10 · 7 February 2003]

Having watched this film again, it brought back memories of how enjoyable and funny it is. Ok, so it's unbelievable and the dialogue is littered with cliches, but the cliches are funny and the characters are so comic-book that it goes well with film.

I mean, this must be the film where Arnie has the most one-liners and kills the most people (undisputedly). The end scene where he mows down endless South Americans (who, on closer inspection are the same 10 extras with just different facial hair everytime) is priceless. Arnie strolls onto a garden lawn with guys shooting all around him who *somehow* manages to hit the leaves on the plants and missing him completely. Arnie throws a grenade 10 feet away from some soldiers, and they blow up sky-high. Grenade gets thrown right at Arnie's feet, and he gets a little graze on his stomach! But it's all good fun...

Arnie's complimented well by the energy of Rae Dawn Chong and the bad guy Bennett, who makes us believe he can beat Matrix with his stick-on moustache, chain-mail vest and beer gut! Also Alyssa Milano makes a great appearance as Arnie's daughter.

I definitely recommend this film for some quality entertainment - easy viewing and not much thought needed (what do you expect for a Schwarznegger film?). Just remember the one-liners: 'I lied', 'he's dead tired', 'let off some steam'...trust me, it will have you in stitches.

G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987 Video)

Nostaglia at its best - full force!

[5 August 2002]

Like many other people, this has to be my favourite cartoon movie of all time. Ok, watching it now, the film is pretty predictable and in some places, pretty scary for kids!

The film centers all around Cobra's 'ancestory' Cobra-La and their desire to rid the planet of humans by mutating them. It just so happens that the main equipment they need to do this is in the hands of G.I Joe (Action Force to U.K audiences) - the B.E.T. It's great because all the characters get involved, even if its only minor, like Flint and Snake Eyes. However, the main role goes to young upstart Falcon, who rises from typical brash new recruit (that somehow manages to be in charge of security for Serpentor!) into modest hero.

Overall, this probably was the Joe's swan-song in terms of lifespan and it is sure missed. Its currently now on DVD in Europe (although it has to be ordered)and a word of warning, the first half starts with G.I.Joe, then the second act finishes the film as how I remember it - dubbing over the 'Yo Jo!' and 'Sgt Slaughter' for 'Full Force' and Sgt Slammer'! Roll on the DVD/Video for 'Arise, Serpentor, Arise', although I wont hold my breath.

and I'm allergic to baloney.

Boiler Room (2000)

Wall Street for the next generation

[21 December 2001]

This is a great film with a brilliant cast, especially from Ribisi. I always knew this guy was a good actor but his performance just blew me away. I especially liked the subplot about his relationship with his dad which was quite a moving experience.

Two problems though: Ben Affleck and Tom Everett Scott sounded as though they just watched 'Glengarry Glen ross' and decided to try and outdo Alec Baldwin from it. Nearly every scene they are in feels as though they are just trying too hard. Secondly, the ending was a bit abrupt and left a few hanging plot-lines.

Overall though, a movie that is sometimes deeply depressing, but hits home about a lot of things in life.

Rush Hour 2 (2001)

Enjoyable all the way through

[6 December 2001]

Many people rated the first Rush Hour as a classic, which I thought was pretty much over-doing things. Adequate and standard sums it up better. Thankfully, the sequel surpasses the original in all aspects and is truly an enjoyable film. It won't win an Oscar, but you can guarantee a good time.

Since the original, Chan and Tucker's rapport with each other has shot through the roof and Tucker is actually quite amusing if you don't think about the Fifth Element. The action is much more fast-paced with the fight scenes being better choreographed, and along with two beautiful women in the form of Zhang Zhiyi and Roselyn Sanchez, this rush is certainly worth it. Arguably Chan's best film in recent times and definitely Tucker's finest.

The Mummy Returns (2001)

Bitterly Disappointing

[5 December 2001]

I was really excited about seeing this movie when it first came out, but after watching it, i wondered why I bothered. No wonder the critics gave this a mauling.

Virtually the whole cast returns from the original, but this time a more powerful mummy, the Scorpion King, comes in as the main player. Except he only plays in the movie for about 5minutes. The acting is what you normally expect from a blockbuster - nothing spectacular, nothing horrendous. Granted, there's plenty of action but the SFX really take most of it away, bar the battle scenes. Did anyone else not think that the SFX weren't even that great? It was so toy-storyish that it didn't really fit in...for example, THAT blimp, those little killer munchkins and the computer-generated face of the rock - what the hell was that all about? It seemed like the director really had the cash to splash out on nonsense like that. It's also amazing how the first film centred around on how difficult it was to ressurrect the original mummy, yet in this one it is like an every day procedure.

This is Hollywood at its best: SFX heavy and a predictable, cheesy plot - and this Cheese has gone off a long time ago. Shame on Stephen Sommers cos he showed real promise with such fun flicks as Deep Rising and the original Mummy. Oh well...

Cherry Falls (1999)

A bad, bad film

[30 November 2001]

I can't believe Michael Biehn has been reduced to doing films like this and taking second billing to someone called Gabriel Mann. He was so promising in some great films, and Brittany Murphy and Jay Mohr deserves better for their talents.

So what's wrong with this film? Everything: it's not scary, it's unintentional funny and the directing is shoddy to say the least. This guy directed Romper Stomper? You would never of guessed. Biehn looks like he's fed up with acting altogether, Murphy just seems to look bemused half the time and Jay Mohr, who has the most interesting role, gives a (unintentional) comical performance. The end scene is dreadfully bad but mildly amusing if you like watching someone in a goth run amok with a carving knife. What really annoys though is that the jerk throughout the whole film turns out to be the hero. There are many other terrible moments in this but it's really not worth talking about them.

This would have to be the worst teen slasher movie, even beating 'I still know what you did last summer', which is quite an achievement. Let's hope they stop making films like these now that the current trend of teen slasher movies has finished.

Chain of Command (2000)

Unbelievable, even for a B movie

[19 November 2001]

This is one seriously absurd movie. I don't mind watching B movies and usually I know what I'm going to see when I do, but this definitely surprised me - and not in a good way.

The cast was quite impressive, Roy Scheider (from the classic 'Jaws'), Michael Biehn (from the classic 'The Terminator'), Maria Conchita Alonso (from the classic 'The Running Man') and Patrick Muldoon (from the not-so-classic 'Starship Troopers'). It is hard to believe that the first two actors mentioned have been reduced to this. Michael Biehn's talents are again wasted as a two-bit henchman and he seems to be acting with his eyes closed, while Roy Scheider seems as if he would rather be back on Seaquest DSV rather than being this hapless president. Muldoon is what you expect from a B movie hero and his acting couldn't be any more boring.

It was like the script wanted to go against everything in the book by killing off several characters who should of lived and having major cities actually bombed (when usually they are just threatened), but I guess to balance things out, they made most of the characters typically stereo-typed. My main problem with this film though was that they portrayed the Chinese as inept and unreasonable, and they weren't even the bad guys! It was as if the makers thought that if they do something really outrageous it may work, but no viewer would ever believe that anything in this film could happen. You may want to watch this just to see how bad and how contrived this is.

Screamers (1995)

Good premise, bad execution

[15 October 2001]

I've always wanted to watch this film as I'm a great fan of 'Aliens' type films, and I finally managed to catch this on TV a few days ago.

First of all, I was impressed by the opening as it seemed like a cross between the Terminator and Mad Max; but what spoilt it was the serious miscast of Ace, and the plot holes you could spot a mile away.

The plus was that Peter Weller as Hendrickson was excellent and I loved that his character was consistent and different from the usual hero-types (blunt and brutally honest - especially to Ace, 'you must've mistaken me for someone who gives a sh*t!').

*SPOILERS* As I said, a lot of plot holes, like where did these new terminator-type robots come from? Why did they suddenly come out of the blue and throughout the film even newer, different types were revealed without any explanation. How does the wounded soldier robot work? Do they act normal until they are wounded or do they already know what they have to do, and if so why did he do things to protect them (i.e Becker killing the child screamer with them).

The ending was the biggest disappointment though - predictable and it just kept dragging on and on! These robots just kept popping up from nowhere trying to stop him getting away (e.g where the hell did the 2nd Jessica come from??)

If they expanded and enlightened us on a few things, maybe this film would've been slightly better. Shame because this film had potential - it genuinely had some atmospheric bits, only spoilt by some cliched dialogue, terrible acting (bar Peter Weller) and unexplainable events.

Note: Notice the similarities between the robot David here and the robot David in A.I. Similar age, same name, similar speech, similarly mass produced and similar teddy! This one was obviously it's evil twin!