spentcasing Reviews

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012 Video)

What did you expect??

[10/10 · 30 May 2012]

Look gang, it is what it is. All you haters out there just don't get it! It's not meant to be Shawhank or Gump for crying out loud! Come on, the title of the movie should tell you right away that this is bottom shelf material. As an avid fan of all types of movies, B-Movies are of no exception, and as far as B-Movies go, this one's a big TEN y'all. This one is destined to become a staple in my collection, along with my supply of cult-classic "Women in Prison" type B-Movies. Before I begin with my review, I would like to take this time to thank Netflix for adding this epicness to their growing repertoire of Oscar worthy flicks. I would not have seen this movie otherwise. I should add that there is a real possibility that this is Ms. Hogan's acting career highlight and that hopefully this will be the end of her "15 minutes".

Tidbits that make this flick great are oversights like a shark that seems to change its size from large enough to bite a boat in half and swallow men whole to being able to sneak up on naked chicks making out in 3-4 feet of water. An apparent deserted island in the middle of the Pacific that comes pre-equipped with modern boardwalks, shacks, docks and break walls. The boat that they are on is slowly sinking and in one shot it is about 100 feet from shore and in the next shot it is a mile from shore, this continues throughout this great movie until the boat finally succumbs its fate. They are lost in the middle of the ocean, but you are constantly seeing other ships, channel buoys and the shoreline in the distance. Folks the list goes on, but I really would rather you watch it and find out for yourself. Honorable mention goes out to the lack of foresight in that this 2-headed beast would be extremely unhydrodynamic (if thats even a word), yet this mutant swims at unreal speed and has the stealth capabilities of a cat stalking a mouse.

Dialogue was as flat as one would expect. More holes in the story / plot than a piece of the proverbial Swiss cheese. A big thank you goes out to Carmen Electra for her gratuitous two minutes at a time bikini-clad sun tanning scenes which had absolutely no place in the progression of this masterpiece, well played Mr. Director, well played.

My major beef with this otherwise meant-to-be garbage flick is the otherwise lack of females going about topless. There is only one measly scene in which the director does the viewer a solid by having a couple of topless so-so looking college aged-girls (and some fugly dude) make out, before being savagely eaten alive by the 2-headed shark hiding in 3 feet of water. In the future if a sequel is made, I would strongly suggest more upper body female nudity; unnecessary female nudity is a must in B-Movies and the subsequent lack of is unforgivable. One of the biggest disappointments was the fact that prudish Ms. Electra does not go fully topless once, what a rip-off! In closing, this movie has a bad script save for the odd great one-liners, gratuitous female nudity and Carmen Electra in a bikini (bonus of two chicks making out was a pleasant surprise),very bad CGI effects, terrible high school drama club level acting, plenty of goofs (land in background in middle of ocean),physics defying shark swimming and a great movie poster.

I strongly suggest all B-Movie fans and all those that simply want some turn-off-the-brain down time to check this one out. In this critics humble opinion, its gonna be a classic.

*Note to producer: Please for the love of all that is good, DO NOT cast Brooke Hogan in any movie again! Sincerely, EVERYONE!!

Red Tails (2012)

What an insult.

[1/10 · 29 May 2012]

I figured with names such as George Lucas, Cuba Gooding Jr and Terrence Howard that Red Tails had to be a great movie. I couldn't have been more wrong. To start with the acting was sub-standard, it was as though I was sitting through a high school play. Everyone was very robotic sounding, no heart and soul per se. Gooding's performance was his worse yet and him constantly gnawing away on his unlit pipe, which he was pretending to smoke became an ongoing joke, I think they meant to put CGI smoke in afterwards but perhaps Mr. Lucas forgot or ran out of money to spend. On the bright side it was nice to see the guy that played Rick Simon from the 80's show Simon & Simon was alive and well. The plot was absolutely miserable. Characters that had no place being there, in particular the Italian love interest of one of the pilots. It seemed like the intent was suppose to be a sidelined plot, but if that was the idea, it failed. She had no place in this story. All the white folk are made out to be racists, save a few kind officers who pull for the Tuskegee airmen to get a fail shake, the white fighter pilots come off as over zealot morons who abandon their task at every whim to chase decoys, there is an alcoholic pilot who would have been booted from flying long ago, the reckless one that does what he wants and disobeys orders, who would have been court martialed and discharged in the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the list goes on and on, it was unbearable. Also, in this movie, apparently pilots are not subject to the laws of physics and G-force. The CGI looked cartoonish. The fighter planes were doing stunts and manoeuvres that would be obviously impossible in reality. Trains that explode and derail when shot at by 50 calibre guns, it goes on and on...Look I know it is a movie and not a documentary, but it kills me when at the beginning of the film it boldly states that this movie is based on factual events. The only factual events in Red Tails is that there was an all African American fighter squadron who painted their plane tails red, PERIOD. Bottom line, this flick had B-movie acting, crappy direction, a God-awful script, corny dog fighting scenes, cheap CGI graphics, unrealistic physics defying stunts and a out of place musical score, hip-hop music over the closing credits, please. I wish I never saw this movie.