dmanyc Reviews

Ms .45 (1981)

The Rise and Fall of Thana

[10/10 · 11 January 2021]

Thana is a young pretty garment worker who has the worst day ever. One rape is bad enough, but two in one day?!?!? Oh, hell to the no! She's mad as hell and is not gonna take it anymore! She fights off Rapist #2, who just happens to be breaking into her apartment, with an apple paperweight, then finishes the job with an iron. Then she goes all Jeffrey Dahmer by cutting him up, storing pieces in her fridge, and depositing the body parts in plastic bags all over 1980s NYC, including the trunk of a car heading to Georgia. She then takes Rapist #2's .45 gun and goes all Death Wish on the men that catcall her, offer her money for sex, spotting a pimp getting violent on a hooker, even comes close to killing an innocent guy whose only guilty of asking his date to hang out with him a little longer. She tries to get on with her life, even changes her look from sweet innocent timid girl to seductive temptress hellbent on revenge, but with flashbacks of the rapes, her overly handsy boss, and her overly nosey neighbor with the cute but noisy dog (no, the dog doesn't die; thank God), she's not handling things well at all. One would think she'd turn to her co-workers for help and guidance, but because she's mute, communicating is tough and she clearly wants to be seen as an independent woman and not let her disability be a sign of weakness. Eventually, she falls apart at the company Halloween party, where she dresses as a nun and once her boss get inappropriate with her (again), the bullets start flying.

Ms. .45 was recommended to me by IMDb, which was strange but I'm glad it did. I never heard of this film before. I can't believe that Zoë (Lund) Tamerlis was only 17 at the time; she's amazing in this role and should'vebeen a bigger star. Actually, most of the acting is great (I get that the neighbor was supposed to be grating but she was a bit much for me). I'm from New York City, so I find movies filmed in the city fascinating, especially from the '70s and '80s era.

This is clearly a lost classic that needs to be rediscovered. If you like the Death Wish or the Taken films, give this one a shot (no pun intended).

R.I.P. Zoë (Lund) Tamerlis

Two and a Half Men (2003–2015)

Should've kept Charlie Harper

[5/10 · 14 November 2020]

I sat through every episode of Two and a Half Men in it's original run and I can say, no question, it should've been canceled after season 8 if the producers couldn't talk Charlie Sheen into coming back. Or recast with someone that closely resembled Charlie Sheen, like John Stamos.

Yeah, it did get repetitive after a while (Charlie's drinking and womanizing, Alan's mooching and making bad decisions in his life, Jake being perpetually stupid, Judith being perpetually angry and frustrated, Berta being sassy, Evelyn being narcissistic, Rose being funny and cutsey one minute and uncomfortably creepy the next, etc.), but it still had occasionally funny moments. But killing off Charlie and replacing him with wealthy tech guy Walden Schmidt was the worst idea ever. Walden did not fit in to this show at all (Kutcher ain't much of an actor either). The last four seasons were the worst.

Even the series finale was a huge bust!! WTF were they thinking? Making us thing Charlie Harper (not the real Charlie Sheen but some dude that looks like him from behind, complete with bowling shirt and baggy shorts) didn't die but was kept prisoner by Rose, then escaping, only to get killed by a falling piano in front of the beach house??? I've seen bad series finals, but THIS had to be the worst ever. I can't believe I watched the last four seasons and still pissed about how bad it was.

Watching the series now on Peacock, the show really didn't age well. Some of the jokes are still funny, but the sexist jokes, Judith's constant bad moods towards Alan, and Rose's constant obsession over Charlie look as out of place today as it did back then.

The show is not for everyone, but if you are curious, just stick with the Charlie Harper era and forget the Walden Schmidt era.

You Light Up My Life (1977)

You Meh Up My Life

[5/10 · 1 November 2020]

Most of us that grew up in the 70s and 80s are the familiar with the song, You Light Up My Life. But was anyone familiar with the movie of the same name? Most people probably weren't, but I remember seeing it advertised in TV Guides and being kind of curious but never getting around to it. I recently found it in YouTube and checked it out.

I do remember hearing about Joseph Brooks (via 48 Hours), who committed suicide after several women accused him of casting couch rapes. Judging from the opening credits he was clearly ambitious. He was the writer, producer, director, songwriter, maybe even catering, I don't know. What I do know is that the movie is one big meh.

Laurie is a struggling actress, singer, and songwriter juggling numerous gigs. She's engaged to Ken, who just looks disinterested in the whole wedding process (can you blame him after seeing the bridesmaids and ushers dragging a giant clamshell down the aisle with Laurie and Ken in it during rehearsal?). Her father Si pushes her to be a comedian like him, but it's not her timing that's the problem (as Si insists), but that her heart just isn't in it.

She meets Cris at a restaurant when she's trying to make a phone call. He wants to spend time with Laurie, but she keeps saying no until she gives in. He still wants to see her, but she says it's just a one night stand. But they do run into each other later in the film when he's the director of a film and she's auditioning to dub the voice. In short, she dumps Ken (finally), she tells Si no more stand up comedy with a dummy and outdated jokes (finally), and gets her heart broken when Cris hires another woman for the movie (and is clearly sleeping with said woman). In the end, she hightails it to New York for a record contract, her future uncertain but a whole lot happier.

It's not a terrible film, but it's not high art either. The movie feels like a 70s time capsule, right down to the fashions. It's more like a Lifetime TV movie, not a theatrical release. The acting is passable (loved Didi Conn since Grease). It's nice that they cast actors that look like everyday people instead of people that look like they're posing for a magazine. The interactions between Laurie and the men in her life feels really dated, especially her interactions with Cris. Cris can't seem to take "NO" for an answer, and in the end treats Laurie like a discarded tissue after she doesn't get hired for the movie.

And the dubbing of Conn's voice is soooooo obvious. Conn has a cutsie speaking voice, but the singing voice (not by Debby Boone) sounds too professional. When Natalie Wood's singing voice was dubbed in West Side Story, it was seamless. Not so much here. If you want to hear Ms. Conn's actual singing voice, look up the animated movie Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure from 1977 (she's the voice of Ann) and you'll hear what I mean.

I'm glad I finally got to see the film after all these years. Just don't expect Oscar-caliber quality (despite the song winning the Oscar). It's just a nice little film to pass the time with.

Vivarium (2019)

Pretty on the Outside; Empty on the Inside

[1/10 · 3 August 2020]

There's a fine line between an artsy film and a film that looks pretty but has no story to keep you interested. Vivarium is the latter.

1) That name. Unless you studied Latin, the title makes no frigging sense. You couldn't have used Yonder as a title since it was the name of the neighborhood from hell?

2) Tom and Gemma are a couple looking at starter homes when they come upon Martin, this spawn of Sheldon Cooper and Data, who pushes them to browse one of the numerous identical houses when all of a sudden Tom and Gemma are abandoned by Martin and stuck in this 9th circle of bland, no other humans around to help explain this cold prison without bars.

3) Soon after trying to escape but stuck running/driving in circles, huge boxes arrive with equally bland food, clothes, even a baby they have to raise in order to "be set free". The baby grows to be an Annoying Kid who repeats Tom's and Gemma's mannerisms, screams incessantly, barks loudly like a dog, etc. I'm not one for corporal punishment, but I kept wishing the adults would've smacked that Annoying Kid upside the head. At least he got locked in the car once.

4) Gemma tries to unravel the mystery of the really Annoying Kid, who watches black-and-white patterns on TV, disappears and reappears with more boxes of food and necessities. Tom tries to dig a hole to the other end of the earth, but as he gets deeper, he finds a dead body.

5) Soon Annoying Kid becomes Annoying Adult and still no resolution, no explanation, no nothing except he still wanders around the empty neighborhood, Tom drops dead after digging the hole to nowhere, and gets buried in the deep hole. Understandably upset, Gemma fights back but Annoying Adult runs away making alienish noises and crawling like a spider, Gemma goes under an opening in the sidewalk and sees previous "residents" before she's back in the bland house from hell and she drops dead as well. Annoying Adult buries both in the deep hole without a care in the world, leaving to return to find Martin dead and aged. Annoying Adult steals the nametag, buries the older Martin in a file cabinet(?), and waits for the next "customers".

What was the point of this film? There's NO story. No explanation of WTF Martin and the Annoying Doppelganger were (clearly they weren't human judging from their mannerisms, but the closest we got to a reveal, ANY reveal, was Annoying Kid's bulging neck as he was screaming his head off for the bazillionth time). No explanation of why Tom and Gemma were imprisoned against their will. No explanation of how quickly the baby grew to be Annoying Kid then to Annoying Adult, yet Tom and Gemma never aged a day. And how did a smoker like Tom managed to keep what seems like a lifetine supply?

This looked like a half-baked Black Mirror/Twilight Zone episode, only Rod Serling, Charlie Brooker, hell even Jordan Peele would've come up with SOME semblance of a story. This....UGH!!!

45 Years (2015)

Smoke and Mirrors

[2/10 · 28 July 2020]

Kate and Geoff Mercer are about to celebrate their 45th year of an otherwise mundane childless marriage when they receive news of two dead frozen bodies found in Switzerland. One of the bodies is that of Katya, a former girlfriend of Geoff's before he met Kate (the other is that of a tour guide, but he is promptly forgotten about). This bothers Kate because Geoff doesn't give her much info on that part of his past. Like that Katya was heavily pregnant at the time or that Geoff was behind Katya and said tour guide when they fell (pushed?) over. Geoff acts like it's much ado about nothing, but it eats up inside Kate to the point where at the party she breaks away from Geoff when they dance to their song "Smoke Gets in your Eyes", looking annoyed and broken.

This is pretty much the plot. I expected a murder mystery. I expected an interrogation with investigators, police, etc. I expected something, ANYTHING to happen. Instead we got a long, drawn-out, dull, mundane, VERY boring character study. Charlotte Rampling and Tom Courteney are great actors and do what they can with the material, but there's no story here to keep you engaged. You just keep looking at your watch to see how soon this will end. A 90 minute film that feels like 45 years of your life wasted.

The Witchmaker (1969)

long-lost forgettable film

[1/10 · 26 May 2020]

When I was a young kid in the 70s, I spotted my Dad watching a movie on TV. The scene I caught was of a young pretty blonde woman in a short blue nightie wandering around what looked like a forest and some guy kidnapping her. The next scene I saw was that same girl dead, hanging upside down with a weird red symbol drawn on her stomach. After that scene, I was called away for something, not getting to see the rest of the movie (I was clearly too young to see it). But for years, I've been trying to get any info on this film with no such luck. I was looking for info for another film when IMDb recommended this film. One look at the poster and I remembered that scene all over again. So I checked YouTube and, sure enough, they had the whole film. Oh, joy! I'll finally get to see the film after all these years! So I watched.

Look, I'm glad I was finally able to find it after all these years and it was worth watching. But I see why this is not a very memorable film.

Basically it takes place in a Louisiana swamp. A devil cult consisting of female witch Jesse and her male witch sidekick Lucas hunt for attractive women to steal their blood so they can have eternal youth. Lucas takes a shining to Anastasia, a young beauty that arrives with a group of people (a doctor, his assistant, and students) doing psychic research when they're offed one-by-one Ten Little Indians-style. Anastasia is brainwashed to lure every character to their demise, including the vanity-obsessed witches. Supposedly she was a descendant of the witches, making her the perfect bait.

The women are killed, drained of their blood, hung upside down, and an Ankh drawn on their stomachs. WHY an Ankh? It makes no sense. A pentagram too difficult to draw? The Ankh is the Egyptian symbol for eternity. Clearly the screenwriter didn't take history class.

For a 100 minute film, this feels longer than The Irishman. It drags soooooo slooowly. The scares are meh to nonexistent. The cinematography is not good, a lot of blurry scenes, especially the night scenes, making it hard to know what's going on. It's clearly filmed on the cheap. The acting is bland.

Except for the scantily clad women in VERY short nighties and that one topless sunbathing scene with Anastasia, it's a VERY forgettable film. If it hadn't been for that poster, I would've forgotten about it, too. I'm surprised that Rifftrax hasn't given this a good riffing yet. It's definitely in their wheelhouse.

The Goldfinch (2019)

Beautiful painting, garish film and book

[1/10 · 26 May 2020]

I've read The Goldfinch the book. I've seen The Goldfinch the movie. I've seen The Goldfinch the painting. You're better off just going to the museum to see the painting or Googling the painting.

Theo Decker is fifty shades of screwed up. As a kid, his mother died in a bombing at the Met Museum. Theo barely survived but a dying old man encourages him to take the painting and old man's ring. He's sent to live at the Barbours, whose son, Andy, he is barely friends with. He searches for an antiques store to return the ring and to befriend the red-haired girl Pippa that was with old man at the time of bombing. Deadbeat dad shows up with white trash girlfriend to take Theo to Las Vegas with them. Theo befriends Boris, a Russian transplant with a knack for trouble and illegal substances. Deadbeat dad desperate for money tries to trick Theo into getting inheritance, but is blocked by family attorney, so deadbeat Dad kills himself, leaving Theo to run back to New York with Popper the dog, his late mother's emerald earrings, and what he thinks is the painting but is actually a textbook that Boris switched the painting with (Theo doesn't find out about the switcheroo till years later). Theo heads to antiques place and grows up to work at antique shop but his work life and personal life are a mess. He's a full blown addict, he's engaged to a woman he doesn't love (the late Andy's little sister Kitsey, whose also cheating on Theo), is in love with Pippa (whose engaged to a Brit), and is blackmailed by a customer for selling him a fake antique. Enter grown up Boris, a boring engagement party with Kitsey NOT wearing the emerald earrings, a trip to Amsterdam, an art deal gone horribly wrong, a murder, an overdose, and you are soooooo exhausted at this point that you wish they'd wrap it up already and when they do, it's just WTF was that?!?!? We don't know if Theo finally ends things with Kitsey nor do we find out if he makes amends with Pippa nor do we find out if he gets his life in order. Nope, we just get Theo returning to the store, walking with Mrs. Harbour, and MORE flashbacks to the friggin museum before the bombing. After two and a half hours, I expected a better ending than THIS.

The book is waaay too long with too little chapters and in need of an editor. The movie is no better either. There's no character development, a protagonist that's basically a walking mumbling mess in need of therapy (and rehab), too many characters to keep track of, and too many storylines to follow. The movie and the book don't know what it wants to be. One minute it wants to be a coming of age film, the next a straight up drama, then a coming of age film again, then an art history lesson, then a mystery, then a crime drama, then a dark addiction drama, etc. Pick a genre and stick with it! The actors do their best and is beautifully filmed, but at the end of the day, you're better off going to your local art museum and enjoy the works of art in person. This film (and the book) will just leave you frustrated. I've never read Donna Tartt's previous books, and I think it'll stay that way.

The Affair (1971)

It doesn't "cut the mustard".

[2/10 · 12 April 2020]

I ran into this little film on YouTube the other day and, I admit I'm not a George Romero fan, but I find little known films from the '60s and '70s interesting, so I watched. Now I see why this non-horror film is not as well known as the Living Dead films.

Chris is an army vet who gets easily bored from adult responsibilities and instead of getting a stable legit job, like working in his dad's baby food company or in an advertising agency that he BS'd his way to get only to squander that opportunity, he plays guitar till he gets sick of hearing his own playing or hanging out with prostitutes (one of whom, Terri, had a child that may or may not be his, it's never really established but he does get the kid ice cream).

Lynn is the daughter of a radio broadcaster who makes a pretty good living starring in local commercials. She meets Chris at the train station (Chris drops off his dad after dad has sexytime with Terri's friend while Lynn accidentally knocks Chris down at the turnstile). He gets her the latest commercial and a day off by posing (on the phone) as her manager and get to know each other. He moves in with her and things look lovey dovey till the "honeymoon phase" ends and reality begins: he refuses to get real work, instead bangs on a typewriter claiming to write a book, and Lynn is pregnant with Chris' child. Aware that Chris is not the Prince Charming he makes himself out to be, she goes to get an abortion (the illegal kind at the time), but changes her mind at the last minute and escapes the secret location - and Chris.

This movie showed some promise but there are several problems. What was the point of the machine in the beginning? It served no purpose in the film, except for an art piece. The storyline is a mess. We never get any clear picture of why Chris refuses to man up and get a stable job. Okay, a baby food company is not the most interesting job, but it's not like he's pursuing anything else either, except for women to live off of. Some of the lines either make no sense or are used to death. The "cut the mustard" reference, for instance, was clever the first time, but after the fifth or sixth time, it gets old pretty quickly. And the ending is not even a hot mess, just a mess. We know Lynn leaves Chris for good (Terri also flies the coop with maybe-Chris' kid) and goes through with the pregnancy (even though we don't know how far along she is), but who is she staying with that's putting together a playpen? It's never established. Does Chris know about the baby? We don't know, but he does mail Lynn a box full of balloons that float away when the package is opened.

I think Romero did what he could in terms of direction. The blame solely lies with the screenwriter. The story is basically two people that have no business being together and banter that's supposed to be witty and clever but isn't. The actor that plays Chris does seen Russell Crowe-ish and the actress playing Lynn is attractive, but the script ruins any potential for them to give great performances. This could've been a great rom-com, but, like Chris, the screenwriter squandered that opportunity.

I hate to say it (again), but There's Always Vanilla doesn't "cut the mustard".

Capital Games (2013)

Is G.A Hauser the new Tommy Wiseau?

[4/10 · 22 October 2017]

Capital Games is about Steve, an ex-cop turned ad agency salesman whose life and career gets upended when Brit/Aussie/foreign dude Mark is hired by the firm. At first, Steve fears losing his precious job and the account he'd been working on for years. But a work retreat changes things for both men. Also, Mark is engaged to a butterface woman and a hot gay male lawyer, who also happens to know Steve's ex-girlfriend. Mark believes he has to go along with the wedding despite having feelings for Steve and fearing he'll lose everything (dude, you do realize being gay in the 2010s is no big deal especially in Cali, right?) So Steve goes from hating Mark to a secret rendezvous with Mark to stalking him and this loop go on and on and on. Also, we get a brief explanation on why he became an ex-cop (something about daddy pointing a gun at him because ex-girlfriend was black). I don't know anything about this G.A. Hauser guy whose name is all over the credits, but this movie felt like a gay The Room. The acting is bad, the filming is wobbly, the dialog is corny, and wayyy too many aerial shots of the city, deserts, and beaches. This is suppose to be a movie, not a travelogue. On the plus side, the guys go shirtless a lot. If you're looking for a cheesy bad film, go for it. If not, look elsewhere.

Younger (2015– )

A Sex and the City wannabe

[1/10 · 3 January 2016]

TVLand wants to be taken seriously as a cable network and not just be the home of reruns of classic shows. But why give the audience a fake Sex and the City when the real show was one hundred times better? Younger is about a fortyish single mom going back to the workforce. But there's a catch: she changes her appearance to look twenty-six. Seriously? This is the storyline? This sounds like a plot that the Disney channel cooked up: stupid but hopefully the audience can suspend disbelief and enjoy the ride. Well, as a fortysomething, I found the show more offensive than funny. We were the first generation to embrace computers and portable phones, so to see Sutton Foster (who deserves better than this) struggle with creating a Twitter page or a smartphone is just plain insulting. And I know I'll offend some Lizzie McGuire fans, but Hollywood, PLEASE stop trying to make Hilary Duff happen. She can't act. Period. TVLand, just bring back Hot in Cleveland already. It's cheesy, but watchable compared to this garbage.

Unbroken (I) (2014)

Unbroken screaming, "Give me Oscars!" Uh, no.

[1/10 · 6 November 2015]

Why was Unbroken snubbed at the Oscars? It's beautifully shot, the acting is decent, it's an epic WWII movie. Yeah, but it's been done before in other movies and a thousand times better. Do we really need another WWII movie? Not really, but if you're going to do it anyway, at least tell a different story with a brilliant storyline that peaks your interest and have characters you care about (ex: The Imitation Game). You don't feel anything for Louis nor the other captives. The only character we feel anything for is The Bird, and he doesn't show up till halfway into the film. Louis' back story is quickly flashed back, so you don't get any sense of his family or why he chose to run in the Olympics or did he choose to enlist in the armed services or if he was drafted. Instead of showing you his life after he was rescued, like suffering from PTSD and finding God, we just get a quick rundown at the end of the movie. And for a bunch of captured Americans, they're still nicely groomed. A goatee here, a mustache there, but their hair still looked terrific. The movie Castaway did a much better job with unruly hair. Also there was no timelines. If one of the soldiers didn't announce the death of FDR, I wouldn't have figured that it was 1945. And the constant torture scenes. We get it; the war was brutal but enough already! And am I the only one bothered that an Irishman was cast to play the Italian American Louis? Are we short on Italian-American actors or did The Sopranos steal them all? Also how do FOUR screenwriters, all Oscar winners and nominees, come up with THIS terrible adaptation of a best-selling book? This was a story badly done. The real Louis (R.I.P) deserves better.

Foodfight! (2012)

Frankly my dear, I don't give a Spam.

[1/10 · 12 February 2015]

I ran into Foodfight by accident and knew nothing about it. I did some research on this animated film and for a film that took ten years, $65 million dollars, numerous familiar voices, and even footage supposedly stolen, this looks like the stuff of kids' nightmares. Is this suppose to be a kids' film? I'm not even sure.

Where did the $65 million go towards? Certainly not the animation, which looks like leftovers from the Sega Genesis/NES/SuperNintendo era.

Dex Dogtective. Worst. Character name. Ever. And why is this detective...oops, I mean "dogtective", dressed like Indiana Jones? Shouldn't he be wearing a nice suit, not dressed like he's looking for the Ark of the Covenant or running from giant boulders or fighting the Nazis?

Speaking of Nazis, the villains consist of some scary looking old guy that walks like he's having a seizure pushing his Brand X products to Marketopolis Market (seriously, who comes up with these stupid names?) to stock on their shelves, a green dude that chants "Brand X, Brand X, It's simple and plain. Brand X, Brand X, it's different but all the same.", and Lady X, who seduces Dex with some naughty outfits and seductive dancing.

Speaking of dancing, the characters flailing their arms around and pirouette for no reason while they're talking is just plain distracting. The same goes for the dead stares in the eyes of the characters.

Speaking of characters, why have your movie poster feature product placement characters (Mrs. Butterworth, Twinkie the Kid, etc.) in the forefront, yet in the film give them absolutely little or nothing to do with the actual movie? Talk about false advertising (no pun intended).

The first time I heard Dex speak, I'm thinking "Mmmm, this dude sounds like Charlie Sheen." Then I go on IMDb and found out it IS Charlie Sheen. Then I see who else is in this and I think, "Why? Why did you sell your soul for this garbage?" I'm convinced that Charlie Sheen got all wackadoo not from working on Two and a Half Men but from having to do this film for almost ten years. As for the other actors, Eva Longoria, Christopher Lloyd, Tim Curry, etc. need to fire whoever got them this gig. And Hilary Duff proves once again she lacks talent for singing, acting, and voiceovers. The same goes for her sister Hayley, who's also in this stinker.

The endless puns by Dex, which are basically borrowed lines from better movies with food items replacing certain words, are annoying. Allow me to demonstrate: "Of all the produce bars in all the supermarkets in all the world, she had to walk into mine." "Let's snap, crackle, and pop out of here." "My problems are just a hill of coffee beans." "Frankly my dear, I don't give a spam."

And then you have the sexual innuendos that makes you question is this suppose to be a kids' movie. Again, I'll demonstrate: "It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy." "I'd like to butter your muffin." "I think I just wet myself. It feels rather nice." "I want to scrub your bubbles, Dex."

Does this film have something against cats? First Dex is fighting a giant rat that holding some kittens hostage and Dex calls him FatCat. Shouldn't he LOOK like a cat as oppose to a rat? And what's with that nightmare of a thing called Sunshine Goodness (again, another stupid name), a cat/human hybrid that Dex wants to marry? Damsels in distress are not suppose to look scary, but she does. And why when your girlfriend that you want to marry disappears do you wait six months later to actually make an effort to search for them, especially when they said they'd be right back? And why, during that time when said girlfriend is missing, do you open a nightclub called Copa Banana (again with the stupid names)? Some boyfriend Dex is.

And finally, a twist ending even M. Night Shyamalan would call B.S. The crazy spastic guy from earlier in the film was actually a giant robot with Lady X inside. And Sunshine Dumbell accepts Dex's marriage proposal. Not that you'll care because you just want this thing to end ASAP.

If you choose to watch this stinkburger of a movie, don't say you weren't warned.

Purple Rain (1984)

Mixed feelings about Purple Rain

[5/10 · 30 January 2015]

I just started reading the book Let's Go Crazy by Alan Light on the making of Purple Rain and it got me remembering the film itself. I was in high school when it first came out in theaters, but because I wasn't allowed to see R rated films at the time, I ended up seeing it about a year later via pirated cable. Looking back now, I have to say that the film was no masterpiece by any means, but it was overall entertaining. There were some things that came to my mind as I was reading the book.

Prince as The Kid was the least convincing actor of the bunch. Yet the film revolved around him. Watching his wooden acting, it's no wonder why he rarely did interviews.

Honestly I wanted to see more of Morris Day and Jerome Benton. For two members of The Time with no prior acting experience, they both killed it with their timing, their delivery, and most of all, their chemistry. The Password scene is classic. Is it bad that I wanted to see more of them and less of The Kid?

Apollonia Kotero was passable when she shared the screen with Morris Day, but with Prince, I really felt bad for her. The slap, the near-rape scene, the Lake Minnetonka scene. Jesus H. Christ, talk about suffering for your art. She deserved a medal for all she had to endure.

The soundtrack is still a classic after all these years, but the film itself really didn't age well at all. What really surprises me is the sexism in the film. Not so much the lingerie because Madonna was dressing similar back then, but scenes like the throwing that girl in the dumpster scene was really disturbing. I guess at the time I saw this back in the '80s, domestic violence was not a hot topic anyone talked about. But you think about it now and you realize that if they tried to make this film today, social media would be in a real tizzy over it.

I don't know if I would recommend anyone that is not familiar with Prince to see the movie. I guess if they try to understand that 1984 was a different era and not to take it too seriously, it can be enjoyable. Otherwise I would just recommend just getting the soundtrack and also get The Time's Ice Cream Castle which includes the two songs they perform in the movie, Jungle Love and The Bird.

Three Magic Words (1939)

Quality Freshness & Flavor.

[3/10 · 23 June 2014]

These are the three words to a song about pork that is played throughout the short Three Magic Words. It's about a newlywed known as...Mrs. Newlywed (what, was Smith or Jones taken?), who goes to her local butcher shop with a dilemma: her husband is bragging to his co-workers that his wife is the best cook so he places a bet with them and she has no clue on how to cook anything, especially pork. Okay, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but how does a husband not know that his wife can or can't cook? And how has she managed to get away with it this long? Have they been living on Swanson TV dinners all that time? Anyway, the butchers are three men that are known as The Jesters, who assist Mrs. Newlywed with her predicament. She has the voice of Shirley Temple and the brains of sandpaper. How does one think that pork comes from sheep or cow? And apparently she's never looked at a map since she doesn't know that Des Moines is a city in Iowa. So what do the butchers do? They break out their (musical) instruments and...start singing. Yes, singing about pork. Singing about how pork goes from the pigs to traveling in trains to inspected and stamped to the butcher shop. After the singing, they hand her some pork chops and she's told to "follow a good recipe" and "just cook the dinner", all the while she looks terrified. When she gets home, she hears singing coming from her kitchen. And who's singing "Cooking Is Not A Chore"? The Jesters...dressed as chefs. They give her an overly-involved menu to prepare, but guess who does most if not all the work? That's right, the Jesters. So she throws her apron at the quacking cat (?), gets the door since Mr. Newlywed can't be bothered using a key, and who are his guests with him singing? Yup, it's the Jesters again. So everyone sits down to feast on the pork, and the butchers and the chefs start singing the Quality Freshness & Flavor song, really screwing with Mrs. Newlywed. Mr. Newlywed wins the bet, but in the future he may want to either get his wife in cooking classes or hire a housekeeper. At the end, it's just a quick advertisement from the John P. Squire Company promoting their pork products. Weirdest way to promote the other white meat.

Test (I) (2013)

Should've been billed as a dance film

[5/10 · 21 June 2014]

Test is a film that wants to be the next The Normal Heart or And The Band Played On, but you wouldn't know it by watching it. The film is about a gay dancer in 1985 San Francisco named Frankie and his day-to-day life as a back-up for a dance company, constantly being told to "dance like a man", has a couple of casual hook-ups, has mice issues, but gets close in the end with bad-boy dancer Todd. The AIDS angle is glossed over here and there, but mostly it's a movie with a lot of ballet/contemporary dancing. Why it's billed as an AIDS movie I have no idea. The lead actor playing Frankie is a great dancer but his acting is more wooden than an oak tree. Aside from the dancing and the cool '80s soundtrack, it's just "eh".

Improve Your Pronunciation (1972)

Getting their point ACROSST

[2/10 · 17 June 2014]

You gotta love the seventies; the fashions, the music, and most of all their weird shorts. In Improve Your Pronunciation, we're introduced to Ned Blanford (last name just begging to be a punchline). He recruits four teenagers (a blond girl {Peggy}, a cute chubby girl {Lucy}, a geeky white boy with a weird accent {Bob}, and an Urkel wannabe {Dick}) to what looks like the set of some Chuck Barris game show to help Blanford demonstrate bad ways to pronounce words, like transposing letters or changing sounds. On the plus side, no weird costumes. But that doesn't make up for the fact that Blanford is hovering over the teens taping everything they say to make his point. I can see people saying NUCULER for NUCLEAR (thanks to former President George W. Bush), but ACROSST for ACROSS? ONCET for ONCE? HUNDERD for HUNDRED? Who's English is really THIS bad? Somewhere out there my late English teacher is rolling over in her grave.

Telezonia (1974)

The Weird World of Telezonia

[2/10 · 17 June 2014]

Just when you think short films from the '70s can't get any weirder, along comes Telezonia. I first heard about this short from FilmThreat's The Bootleg Files. Reading about the short is one thing; watching it is a whole different experience. The film was originally created by Bell Telephone to teach kids how to use the telephone (not the smartphones of today but the rotary dials and coin-operated pay phones of yesteryear), but when you see the four kids in the short, all look about ten years old and should know how to at least pick up the receiver and say "Hello". When the phone kept ringing, I wanted to scream, "Someone pick up the friggin phone! It's not that complicated!" These kids play dumb unconvincingly. Next thing you know, the yellow phone grows huge, the dial opens up, and the kids follow some effeminate manboy named Telly to watch phone operators, technicians, etc. do their jobs before heading to the abyss called Telezonia, where they get forgettable songs and a crash course in everything from phone manners to how to use the yellow pages, courtesy of humans dressed as a question mark, an exclamation point, an Rx symbol, a pair of parentheses, and the letters Q and Z. I'd love to know what the filmmakers were smoking when they were making this.

Rescueman (1982)

This is a job for....NO ONE

[2/10 · 15 June 2014]

Why is it every time I watch these shorts someone is dressed in some stupid costume trying to be a cool superhero? Rescueman is the latest weird trip in the world of teaching kids something important while trying to entertain them. A kid with an overprotective mom (she's sending her boy to bed when it's still daylight out) obsesses over two things: bus safety and some superhero named Rescueman (can't get more generic a superhero name than that). His only friend seems to be the bus driver, who gives him a crash course in what to do when the bus is on fire.

Cue the dream sequence. The bus is on fire. The bus driver is out cold. The school kids are panicking and freaking out. This is a job for....a kid in a ugly green superhero outfit. He calmly gets the kids out the back way and, for a kid so scrawny, manages to gain enough strength to lift his much bigger bus driver out of the burning bus. He's hailed as a hero.

Batwoman. Safetywoman. Rescueman. The cheesy superhero trifecta.

Magical Disappearing Money (1972)

Beware the grocery witch

[2/10 · 14 June 2014]

In Magical Disappearing Money, a loopy nameless grocery witch haunting a local grocery store is upset at customers buying things that she claims are more expensive. Actually, she's sneezing at customers buying things she claims are more expensive. For example, powdered milk is cheaper than regular straight-from-the-cow milk. Last I checked, powdered milk is pricier than Silk. But her biggest beef is frozen zucchinis loaded with bread crumbs. I do agree with her that frozen foods can be expensive, but for the most part this short is really outdated. And why don't we see the store employees trying to shoo the witch away or, to quote Monty Python, "burn the witch"? So the next time I shop for groceries I should beware of the Western Beef witch?

Coffee House Rendezvous (1966)

This is your brain on coffee

[2/10 · 13 June 2014]

Long before Starbucks, coffee houses were a pretty big deal, according to the very-dated short Coffee House Rendezvous. Basically you watching people either drinking coffee or watching people watching Peter Paul & Mary wannabes sing their way into your hearts, filmed as if the short was dipped in coffee. There is a college debate going on, some dude dolling out bad poetry, but the bulk of it is bad folk songs, most memorably a protest song with a stupid title called "Teenage Teen" and the piano-driven title song that will stick in your brain for days on end. Bad live music and coffee: two things that don't go great together.

Safety: In Danger Out of Doors (1978)

Safetywoman 2: Electric Boogaloo

[1/10 · 12 June 2014]

She's baaack!! Just when you thought you survived the wrath of Karen Kingsley a.k.a. Safetywoman a.k.a. Guardiana, along comes THIS. Yes, they made a sequel to Safety: Harm Hides At Home. This time our weirdly-dressed superhero is preaching about safety outdoors, from wearing lifejackets to finding better places to ride skateboards to cautiously climbing mountains. Yes, she still dresses in a bad Halloween costume. Still saluting with three fingers. Still the least convincing superhero ever. And the so-called Danger Dodgers? Not the brightest crayons in the box. Let's hope there's no third short floating around.

Safety: Harm Hides at Home (1974)

Educational short goes horribly wrong

[1/10 · 12 June 2014]

Let me introduce you to Karen Kingsley. Part-time architect, part-time crossing guard, full-time superhero. Or at least, that's what this short is trying to convince us. Instead Karen Kingsley a.k.a. Safetywoman a.k.a. Guardiana (seriously, pick a name and stick with it) looks like she bought a bad costume at her local Ricky's, spreading the word about safety from everything from fire to poison to falling from ladders. It's really hard to take the short seriously when you take one look at the outfit, complete with plastic shield, a three-finger salute with the mantra AWARE ALERT ALIVE, and I'm guessing a turkey baster. And how did she become this superhero? Thanks to some invisible aliens that sound like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore. We really could use more female superheroes, but this is ridiculous.

The Guy from Harlem (1977)

Shaft Vs. Al Conners. It's a no-brainer.

[1/10 · 1 June 2014]

There's great Blaxploitation films (Shaft, Coffy, Blacula) and then you have The Guy From Harlem. There's so much wrong with this film, where does one begin?

1) The title alone. The guy is supposedly from Harlem but the movie is filmed in Miami. So what was the point of calling him the guy from Harlem when he's not even IN Harlem?

2) Names of detectives are usually memorable (Shaft, Baretta, Kojak). Al Conners has to be the blandest detective name I've ever heard.

3) He has two assignments. Assignment 1 is being babysitter to a foreign dignitaries' wife. Assignment 2 is rescuing a gambler's daughter kidnapped by some dude named Big Daddy. Both women he rescues, both are taken to a blonde woman's apartment to hide out (Blondie gets sent to a hotel), both end up wearing the unsexiest lingerie ever, and both get sexytime with Al Conners. So the clients get some and the poor secretary and Blondie are denied some sugar?

4) Gambler apparently has a problem with his indoor voice. "GOOD MORNIN', GOOD LOOKIN'!" Good Lord, I had to turn down the volume.

5) The descriptions of Big Daddy goes like this: "Very few people ever see Big Daddy. The only thing I can tell you though, he's about six feet two inches tall, has blond, curly hair and, man, you talking about some muscles... he got some muscles on him, and he always wears bands around his muscles. That's the only thing we can tell you about Big Daddy. Nobody ever sees him. " Funny, when they cut away to the gym scene, I spotted Big Daddy in two seconds. How is this dude hard to find?

6) Fight scenes are suppose to be exciting. These fight scenes were anything BUT exciting.

7) The music sounds like it's borrowed from video games.

8) Is that an actual office or did they borrow a church basement?

9)Has anyone ever smelled a New York strip steak? Do they even exist?

10)"You tell Big Daddy nobody fools with The Guy From Harlem, you dig?" doesn't have the same oomph as "Cut the crap man, this is Shaft."

11)Aside from the hideous lingerie, the fashions are cool. The flowery wallpaper, however, is headache-educing.

12) For a detective with a calm, eloquent voice his acting is awful. I take that back; everyone's acting is awful. And the dialog: "Sweetie, I got an answer for both of those questions. You got two questions, I got one answer: NONE O' YO' DAMN BIDNESS!!" 'Nuff said.

This film probably would've worked better as a porno film because it doesn't work as a Blaxploitation film.

Frankenstein Island (1981)

The Wild World of Jerry Warren

[1/10 · 31 May 2014]

If you thought The Wild World of Batwoman was a bad movie, you haven't experienced Frankenstein Island. You have a Murder's Row of actors who have a tendency to star in bad movies. If you're a MSTie, you know these people. Cameron Mitchell, missing his glued-on beard and warrior muumuu (Space Mutiny). Tain Bodkin, still preaching (The Giant Spider Invasion). Katherine Victor, Batwoman herself without the nose mask but stealing one of Dolly Parton's wigs and not aging gracefully. Richard Banks no longer the Mexican Zorro Ratfink (The Wild World of Batwoman). And the big kahuna himself Steve Brodie (The Giant Spider Invasion AND The Wild World of Batwoman). Throw in John Carradine's floating head looking like Jeff Dunham's grumpy old man puppet Walter, Amazon women in leopard print bikinis, lots of hot air balloons in the opening credits, a 2,000 year old man getting what I think is blood transfusions to stay alive, zombies dressed like they're cat burglars, and the monster himself resurrecting...from a body of water inside a cave. As for the plot, I wish I could tell you. Not that I'm trying to not spoil things, I just can't remember what the heck this film was about. How sad is it that the only credible actor in the whole movie is Melvin the dog? Watch at your own peril.

Ready for Love (2013– )

Thank you NBC and Ms. Longoria for setting the women's movement back 2,000 years

[1/10 · 6 July 2013]

Anyone that believes that they can find true love on a reality show needs to be sent to Bellevue. Ready For Love is a hodge-podge of previous reality shows with an identity crisis. NBC takes THE BACHELOR/BACHELORETTE, THE DATING GAME, THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER, and THE HUNGER GAMES, throws them in a blender, hit the mix button, and tastes just plain awful.

The women that choose to participate in this joke of a show are treated worse than cattle: one minute they're told how to act, think, feel, open up about themselves, how to fall in love (?) to the men they're trying to win over (one is even criticized for choosing to save herself for marriage) and the next minute they're criticized harshly for the very things they were told to do. But the men? They get a free pass on their behavior.

Then you have the matchmakers that make Patti Stanger look classy in comparison. One in particular, Tracy, I wanted to punch in the face for saying that if your a single woman then you're a bitch (her words). Tracy, I hope whatever clients you have left bailed on you for that comment. Congratulations for alienating the entire female population. Another matchmaker is studying "the male brain". First of all, which male brain is being studied? Also, what more is there about the male brain to study? Judging from this show, not a whole lot.

As for these three guys that are "looking for love", it seems more like one is looking for a comeback. One is a musician for Plain White T's, infamously known for the ubiquitous "Hey There Delilah". I guess just putting out another crappy song wasn't enough. Now he had to subject the women fawning over him and us the viewers to listening to his band's new music. If you look up ONE-HIT WONDER in the dictionary, you'll see Plain White T's.

And can we please once and for all stop calling being on a reality show "a journey"? Climbing Mount Everest is a journey. Suffering from an illness or a horrible accident and the long road to recovery is a journey. Being on any reality show is NOT a journey; it's really one long boring audition to an acting career that never was.

Ladies (and gentlemen), if your that desperate for love, save your dignity and resist the temptation to embarrass yourself on national television.