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james1095
Reviews
Jacqueline Novak: Get on Your Knees (2024)
There just isn't 90 minutes of worthwhile stuff to say about fellatio
I was told this was hilarious and I needed to see it so I had a watch. There were a few moments that I thought were pretty funny, but then it went on, and on (and on and on and on) delivered at a manic pace that reminded me of a person that is high on speed blasting me in the face with a fire hose of words. She talked so fast and so continuously that I found it exhausting to listen to and it seemed like parts were repeated over and over. Yeah, ok, penis jokes and sex jokes are funny but they're also as old as time so not much new here and this was at least 45 minutes longer than it needed to be. It's not the worst standup I've seen but it's not great either.
The Boys in the Boat (2023)
Maybe if you're really into rowing
I'd heard a lot of praise about the book although I have never read it, and frankly after slogging through this movie I have no interest in reading it. Apparently Joe Rantz led an interesting life, but the movie glosses over almost all of it, presenting him as rather two-dimensional and not a particularly likable guy. The result is a formulaic underdog sports movie focused almost entirely on rowing. I have absolutely zero interest in rowing, and no real interest in the Olympics either so frankly I found this to be excruciatingly boring and it would have been very predictable even if not for the fact that it is based on a true story. I'm sure the real Joe Rantz was an interesting guy and the achievement of him and his team were truly impressive but as a movie there was just nothing there for me. I was so relieved with the credits finally started to roll, I was there with a group or I would have walked out much earlier.
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)
Fifty Shades of Boredom
I recently watched this with my girlfriend thinking it might get her in the mood. I've never read the book but I've heard so many women gushing about how great they are I thought it would be worth a go. Well it turns out it isn't sexy at all, it's just plain boring. There is no chemistry at all between the lead actors and what they engage in is nothing like the BDSM I've dabbled in, no, it's just plain abuse of a naive and spineless young girl by a run of the mill narcissist that inexplicably has untold billions of dollars. Grey, like any narcissist is internally weak, empty and full of self-loathing which he overcompensates for with his carefully crafted facade and material assets. The only reason I'm giving it more than 1 star is because I've seen a few movies that were truly excruciating and at least this one had nicely done sets, some impressive cinematography and Dakota Johnson, while a bit scrawny for my tastes is easy on the eyes and spends a decent amount of time naked. None of that is enough to make me to recommend this though, most of this movie just feels like boring filler. If you're looking for a movie that will turn on your lady you're likely to be sorely disappointed, and if this dull drivel does turn her on then you may wish to reconsider your choice of partner.
It Follows (2014)
Started out with a neat and spooky idea, then took it nowhere
At the very beginning I thought this was shaping up to be a decent horror movie based on a novel idea. Unfortunately I found myself waiting and waiting for something interesting or scary to happen and it just never delivered. Slow pace, mediocre acting, plot holes big enough to drive a bus through, (such as why did the original guy take the time and effort to seduce the young, pretty suburban girl instead of just visiting a prostitute?) by the end which is one of those that comes abruptly where you're left thinking "huh?" I felt disappointed. Ultimately it boils down to something like a supernatural STD that you can get rid of by giving it to someone else. The forms "it" takes on throughout are pretty lame and not really explained in any way.
Submarine (2010)
A decent teen coming of age movie
First, I don't know why this was labeled as a comedy, it had a few humorous moments but no more than the average movie. In reality it's a teen coming of age drama/romance. I thought it started out fairly strong, the scenery is beautiful and being based in the UK it's something different than most of the movies I see. Unfortunately by around the halfway point I felt like it started to run out of steam and I found myself getting bored. It was not helped by the fact that I found none of the characters particularly likable or relatable. The depressed, awkward and apathetic father who seemed to not particularly care that his wife was having an affair with a former lover practically right in front of him. The cheating wife who for some reason decided to marry and start a family with this guy only to end up fooling around with the weirdo neighbor who was a former lover. The son who is the main protagonist if he could even be called one is a little beyond an awkward loner to the point of being creepy and rude. The girl he meets is cute in a dorky outcast sort of way but she's a complete basketcase weirdo too, and her family also comes off as completely crazy. By the last half hour of the movie I really didn't care what happened to any of the characters and then rather suddenly it just ended. It was far from the worst movie I've seen but I think it was just a little too hard to be artsy and ultimately it is forgettable.
Man on the Moon (1999)
Long, repetitive, tedious and boring
I'd never heard of Andy Kaufman prior to seeing this movie, growing up in the 80s perhaps he was just a little before my time. If the depiction in the movie is even remotely accurate though then it seems I wasn't missing much. There were a few bits that made me snicker but then those sparse bits were stretched out and used over and over and over well beyond when they were worn out. It's 2+ hours of a guy impersonating two strange characters over and over and over, acting like a jerk with a personality disorder and playing juvenile practical jokes on people. I found myself groaning and cringing far more than laughing and when it ended I thought OMG it's finally over. Maybe there's something I'm missing here but I just don't get it or understand why this is supposed to be funny. All of the entertaining bits from the entire stinker of a movie could have been put into a 5 minute clip. I can't for the life of me figure out how this is so highly rated on here.
No Safe Spaces (2019)
Much better than I expected
I'll start this by saying I'm not a conservative and throughout my life I have disagreed with a majority of the conservative causes. In recent years though I have noticed a worrying shift in liberalism away from acceptance and civility and toward some really bizarre ideas about words being violence, the dangers of free speech, an emphasis on groupthink and a huge increase in attempts to silence and bully anyone that even partially disagrees. I was not familiar with most of the people featured in the movie but I was surprised to find these evil/fascist/bigoted/etc conservative commentators to be polite, well spoken, thoughtful and interesting people. I'm sure there are many subjects on which I do not see eye to eye with them but I can see absolutely no reason for the hysteria and hate directed toward them. Overall I found this documentary to be interesting, enlightening and frightening. I suspect most if not all of the people leaving 1 star reviews didn't bother to watch it, they simply looked at the list of people in it and based their entire opinion on their own prejudice.
Coffee and Cigarettes (2003)
Great concept, some fun moments but not all that it could be
I really liked the concept of this, a bunch of segments unrelated except for the common theme of coffee and cigarettes, with quite a few big name celebrities. It definitely had its moments, I liked Steve Buscemi as the annoying waiter who just wouldn't shut up, the scene with Iggy Pop is great, and the one with the members of the White Stripes was just weird enough to be funny. Unfortunately there were quite a few points where I felt like the conversation was just awkward and forced, making me cringe more than laugh and some of them dragged on about twice as long as they needed to be. I'm also not a fan of the choice to film in in black & white, there are many great B&W movies but I find all else being equal they have a bit less life to them.
Secondhand Lions (2003)
Fun coming of age movie
I saw this quite a few years ago and then watched it again last night. It has held up very well and is a fun and family friendly coming of age story. A young boy is dropped off by his flaky compulsive liar mother, abandoned with his grumpy great uncles. Over the following period of time he bonds with his uncles after they observe how much his presence irritates the annoying relatives that hover like vultures waiting the death of the old men so they can get their hands on the fortune they are rumored to have. In the process he hears stories of their former exploits and witnesses some new ones such as fighting with teenage bullies and chasing off obnoxious travelling salesmen. The characters are great, the story is fun, and I found it to be an all around fun movie people of all ages can enjoy.
Rogue (2007)
A halfway decent B movie but nothing special
The premise is simple enough, a large crocodile with a taste for human flesh terrorizes a stranded group of tourists after damaging their boat. Unfortunately this movie suffers the same fate as a few others of this type, the characters are all annoying and I found myself bored wishing the crocodile would hurry up and eat them all so the movie could end. There is really not that much action at all, it tries for suspense but when you don't care about any of the annoying, whiny helpless bone headed characters it isn't very suspenseful. A sensible group of people would have dragged the boat up onto the shore, gone through an inventory of everything they had at their disposal, take the battery out of the damp radio and let it dry in the sun while at least attempting to repair the boat. Failing that, make a run for it and cross the short distance off the tiny little island and simply walk off through the woods but they don't try any of these things. They all cower and fret in terror as a few of the stronger guys get picked off one at a time in death scenes that are over so quick you'll miss them if you blink. I've seen worse movies for sure but this one started with a decent concept and then just wasted it.
Wagons East! (1994)
Underrated commedy
I'm not going to claim this movie is one of John Candy's best, but I do think it's a solid comedy that is better than its reputation would suggest. In addition to the always talented Candy, I got a kick out of seeing the actors that play both the Doctor and Neelix in Star Trek Voyager, Prince John from Robin Hood: Men In Tights and one of the Bobs from Office Space. The story is straightforward enough, a group of pioneers decide they're not cut out for life on the frontier and band together into a wagon train to head back out east. Along the way all manner of humorous situations arise much as you'd expect in a movie with these characters. It's not one of my all time favorites and it's a shame this is the last movie John Candy got to take part in since it isn't one he even wanted to make but it's really not a bad movie. I was entertained throughout and had quite a few laughs.
Fury (2014)
Good solid action packed war movie
It has been a while since I'd watched a war movie so I decided to give this one a try after hearing it was supposed to be good. Overall I enjoyed it, Brad Pitt was good as a jaded war weary veteran tank commander and I enjoyed the dynamic between him and the very green new guy. Unfortunately the rest of his crew was mostly a bunch of dimwitted and poorly disciplined jerks but eventually they got to where they were working well together. I won't give away too much of the plot but there's plenty of action to keep things going, some great shots of authentic WWII tanks including the only functional Tiger I in the world. The final battle scene seems quite over the top and unrealistic but apparently is actually pretty close to an actual event that occurred. If you like movies with lots of masculinity, violence, action and at lease some degree of historical accuracy this is worth a look.
A Fish Called Wanda (1988)
The humor is apparently lost on me
I remember my parents talking about this after renting it when I was a kid back in the 80s, I'd always heard it was supposed to be so funny but somehow I never got around to watching it until now. Well I'm sorry to say I just don't get what's supposed to be funny about it. I did laugh once that I recall when John Cleese (who I'm generally a fan of) was speaking Italian and Russian while dancing around in his underwear I think because it was just so random and there were a few lines that made me crack half a smile but the entire rest of the movie pretty much just fell flat. The characters are mostly annoying and there are a lot of moments that are really just cringe worthy. Overall I was either bored or annoyed throughout most of it and probably should have shut it off but I slogged through to the end waiting for something funny to happen. Maybe it will tickle your funny bone, a lot of people clearly love it but I just can't see whatever it is so many people think is so funny about it. Overall it had the feel of a cheesy 80s made for TV movie.
Observe and Report (2009)
Observe and be bored
I'll say up front that I'm not a big fan of Seth Rogan, most of his humor just doesn't tickle my funny bone, I don't know why, maybe you have to be stoned to get it. This was different than most of the movies I've seen him in though. While sold as a comedy, not only was this not funny, it was absolutely cringeworthy. Rogan plays a mentally ill loser that acts like a complete idiot at his best, and a complete creep at his worst. Seriously what is funny about date rape? I went back and forth between feeling sorry for the character and being repulsed by him. All of his colleagues are unlikable morons and the fact that his boss didn't fire him within 10 minutes of the start of the movie is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Anna Faris, who I normally like plays a completely vapid, nasty girl that is dumber than a sack of rocks. There were a few moments that got a slight chuckle out of me, notably the scenes with the flasher but otherwise this was just a pathetic waste of time. I should have shut it off by 30 minutes in but I kept waiting for something funny to happen and then I fell for the sunken cost fallacy and stuck it out. I am really at a loss as to how this got so many glowing reviews, I was bored stiff throughout most of it.
Glass Onion (2022)
Great visuals, colorful characters, fun story but totally let down by a ridiculous and childish ending
I'd heard a lot of good things about this movie so I decided to check it out. At first I was intrigued, I didn't know what to expect, the first thing I thought when I saw the fancy puzzle box things is "I'd just xray it to see what's inside" but whatever. Then things picked up and the main part of the movie was quite entertaining, the characters were colorful if rather shallow and toxic in most cases. The ending though just totally ruined it for me, offensively stereotypical angry aggressive black woman throws a tantrum, smashes a bunch of stuff and sets the place on fire, destroying evidence of a homicide and another attempted homicide, also burning up a priceless classical artwork and we are supposed to think this is a good thing for some reason, I guess because the evil stupid billionaire gets exposed for being evil and stupid. In retrospect many other parts of the plot fall to pieces under closer examination but I could have overlooked that if not for the moronic ending.
American Pie (1999)
Solid teen comedy classic
I saw this movie back when it was new and at the time being just a couple years older than the characters it was probably the funniest movie I had ever seen. I recently watched it again and was impressed with how well it has held up. It has great characters that I could totally relate to, I was pretty much Jim except with a more conventional method of enjoying apple pie and sans extremely cringeworthy father, my best friend was almost exactly like Stiffler sans hot mom. Most of the others were believable except in real life I would expect Oz, the multi-talented good looking jock with a sensitive side would have had girls swarming him with virtually no effort needed. They really nailed the way teenage boys think and act and the awkward situations and hilarity that ensues. All in all it's a great raunchy teen comedy.
Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (2022)
Love Weird Al but this movie misses the mark
I've loved Weird Al's music since I was a kid in the 80s and when I heard about this movie after a friend saw it and said it was hilarious I was looking forward to it. Unfortunately it misses the mark on so many levels. Going in I assumed it would be more or less the true story of Weird Al but it isn't, it's completely fake, a bit like Spinal Tap except that the Spinal Tap mockumentary was funny and this isn't. There were a few funny moments and some great cameos but that was about it, I found myself bored and playing with my phone by 30 minutes in and the last half especially dragged on and on. Maybe there's some inside joke I just don't get but I want my 2 hours back.
Reno 911!: Miami (2007)
Not the worst movie that I've seen
I'd seen a handful of episodes from the series before and thought they were ok but not great. The humor in the movie is similar, mostly juvenile, centered around the idiotic behavior of a bunch of inept dimwits who would never be hired as police officers in the real world. Predictably the solution to the case falls into their laps as they stumble through the plot and they are celebrated for solving it. It had some funny moments but I found it started to get stale about halfway through the movie but the sort of slapstick juvenile humor used heavily in this is not really my style of comedy. There are definitely a lot of stupider movies out there but there are a lot of much better ones too.
Super Hot (2021)
Super Dull
From the description this looked like it could be an entertaining B movie, unfortunately it just didn't deliver. I managed to slog through about half of it before I glanced over at my girlfriend and noticed she was playing with her phone and she looked relieved when I suggested watching something else if this wasn't engaging. With exception of the funny black dude I found all of the characters to be flat and boring, the lead girl especially was depressingly mopey, I couldn't relate to them at all and didn't care what happened to any of them. Scene after scene of awkward dialog and car rides with scenery going by in a slightly jerky fashion that looked like they had just placed a big TV next to the car felt like filler. I waited and waited for it to get good and for something to happen before we finally gave up and turned it off. I've seen lots of good low budget B movies but this was not one of them.
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
Decent but not great, perhaps a victim of the hype
This is one of those movies that I've heard references to over the years but somehow never actually saw until yesterday. I've seen much worse movies but overall I was disappointed, there is a ton of dialog, some gratuitous violence but very little real action. I like several of the actors and some of the characters are good and there were a few moments that made me laugh but overall I found myself bored on several occasions wondering when a scene would end so we could get on with it. It may have been really unique in 1992 and a ton of movies have been influenced by it but I don't think it has aged well. I'd seen so many elements of it in other (and better) movies already so there isn't a lot left other than the shock value of the sadistic torture scene and even that sort of squirm inducing gore porn has been overdone in numerous other films.
Tommy Boy (1995)
One of the dumbest movies I've seen in a long time
I kept waiting for it to get good and it just never did. I couldn't relate to the main characters at all, one of them a complete moron that was just irritating and the other stiff as a board, I found myself not caring what happened to either of them although it was easily predictable. There were a few laughs here and there but overall this is a miss. I usually like Dan Akroyd but his character in this was unlikable and had a weird fake sounding accent. I found Chris Farley to be more annoying than funny and by the time it finally ended I was wishing I could have back the hours I spent watching it.
The Bob's Burgers Movie (2022)
Disappointing, mediocre plot and way too much singing
I've been a long time fan of Bob's Burgers so when I heard they were making a movie I was excited to see it. Unfortunately I was very disappointed in the result, so much so that we ended up turning it off halfway through. The biggest issue for me was all the singing. I have always hated musicals, I can tolerate a bit of singing in the show episodes because in those it is like a garnish on the side and the fact that a couple of the characters like to sing is part of their personalities but the movie feels so much like the musicals that I never liked, scene after scene of people spontaneously breaking into song, at some point my girlfriend and I looked at each other and asked if we wanted to keep watching and we both decided to cut our losses and shut it off. The plot was not terrible but not compelling enough to keep either of us engaged through the annoying songs. If I had been in a theater I'd have probably sat through it but streaming at home it was just too easy to find something else to see.
Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe (2022)
Uhhh huhuhuhuhuhuhuh it's like, funny, or something huhuhuh
I was a teenager when the original show was on and much to the chagrin of my parents I thought it was hilarious. While not quite as good as the first movie this one is still great, Mike Judge hit the nail on the head and the idiotic duo is exactly like they were in the 90s and their unbelievably stupid antics continue to entertain. I'd like to say I've outgrown this kind of juvenile toilet humor in middle age but apparently I have not. If you're familiar with the old TV show or the movie Beavis & Butthead Do America then you know exactly what you're going to get with this. The iconic laughs, toilet/sex humor, and incredible stupidity that is somehow hilarious. I really love that it stays true to the original and provides a mechanism for transporting the two 90s teens into the modern era rather than being simply a contemporary reboot.
Starsky & Hutch (2004)
Like a slapstick parody of the original TV series
I enjoyed watching through the original series a few years ago so I thought I'd give this a go. Right off the bat I was confused by the casting of Ben Stiller as Starsky, while bearing a slight resemblance to the old character that's about where the similarity ends. The original Starsky & Hutch had a gritty and serious tone and the characters were competent if somewhat unconventional undercover police detectives. This movie plays out like a slapstick parody of the original show and has a completely different feel. The lead characters are a couple of bumbling incompetent boobs that would have been fired from any real police force years before. Everyone is an over the top caricature and 2-dimensional. If you've never seen the TV series I guess this movie could be an entertaining if not very original or imaginative comedy but if you liked the TV series and are expecting a continuation or respectable homage to that you are probably going to be disappointed. It's as if the writers of the movie saw a poster of the Starsky & Hutch series and wrote a formulaic comedy aimed at tweens and teens around the characters as they imagined them without ever actually seeing the show.
Metal Lords (2022)
Had potential but drops the ball over and over
I went in with zero expectations and walked away entertained, that said this movie has SO much more potential. Great music, great cameos by some legendary metal artists, several of the actors I feel have a lot of potential but they are let down by a poorly written and disjointed script with the feel of a scavenger hunt of coming-of-age movie cliches. The main character is a completely over the top jerk, poser rich kid with a room full of expensive toys and his pathetic dad with no boundaries. The bullies also over the top and ridiculous to the point that in the real world there would be criminal charges and that is never even resolved. The band girl's mental illness that is put out there front and center for some reason but not really explained or dealt with, then she stops taking her meds when she meets a boy? Yeah great idea, what could possibly go wrong with that plan. The escape from the mental institution where they're being chased and then suddenly the chase stops and they drive calmly away? Where did the staff go? A live performance pulled off successfully in just a couple of weeks with the girl predictably showing up at the last moment and no practice sessions? Totally unrealistic. The movie jumps from subplot to subplot with most of them not really going anywhere. I watched it with a friend at their house so it cost me nothing and I feel I got my money's worth but if I'd paid to see it in a theater I'd feel ripped off. It has all the ingredients of a good movie but that is squandered by incompetent writing.