thedarkjackal101 Reviews

Star Trek: Discovery (2017–2024)

This is NOT Star Trek

[1/10 · 6 October 2017]

From the questionable decision to use the scrapped Ralph McQuarrie concept art as the baseline for the new ship to the decision to make it a reboot, nothing about this series so far looks like, sounds like, feels like, acts like and I daresay even smells like Star Trek.

I quote The Spoony One when I say that this farce of a show is a BETRAYAL! And to undermine earlier characters, first with the incestuous coziness between critics and studios by saying 'This is the first female commanding officer in Star Trek!' or 'This is the first black commanding officer in Star Trek!' spat on the legacies of Benjamin Sisko and Kathryn Janeway. I know you people *badly* want to say that I'm either racist or sexist, but the truth is, you made a terrible, terrible product.

It's boring when it isn't insulting, and when it isn't insulting, it's trampling on everything that makes Star Trek what it is.

*SPOILERS BELOW* When Sarek is called up by XO Michael Burnham (Because we want to be as confusing as possible with naming conventions) he assuages her guilt over accidentally killing a Klingon by telling her that it's okay because Klingons killed her family.

I have no words.

This is nothing short of a *rape* of a character. Turning him from a gentle-natured, stern pacifist to an emotional vengeance-approving joke.

This is just the first of many such grievances and the transparent political nonsense that's been shoehorned in is despicable.

If you horrible people want to write political fiction, go nuts. But you are ruining Star Trek by forcefully injecting it in here.

If the show itself wasn't bad enough, the attitude of the cast and producers is nothing short of intolerable.

We've been dared not to keep watching.

Well guess what? Wish frikken granted.

Myself and everyone else not involved in the nepotism are going to watch Orville, which reads like a love letter to the fans of Star Trek.

Star Trek Discovery? It's a hate-letter.

You horrible people ruined something wonderful and we don't have to put up with it and buy your terrible product. I hope Discovery doesn't make it past the first season.

Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008 Video)

Failure. Epic failure.

[1/10 · 26 October 2008]

This. Movie. Sucks. So. Damn. Hard.

Where do I even BEGIN?! First off, it's pretty clear when they have the extras re-cast in different scenes. The special effects are a joke.

Oh yeah, and I find the religious angle downright offensive, and it doesn't take a lot to offend me. It's such an overt Athiest advert I'm surprised they didn't put 'In memory of Madelyn O'Hare' at the end.

The dialog is also really terrible... If they're not overacting they're underacting, nothing in between. Even Van Diem can't seem to resurrect the old Rico's spark.

The captain chick is a really annoying bucket of ass... She's more full of cruel retorts than she is of reason or command ability.

Oh yeah, and did I mention THEY RECYCLE THE SAME SET THREE TIMES FOR DIFFERENT SETTINGS?! AUGH this movie sucks! And another thing, why, on that GIANT starship, did we only see two vehicles escape? No small escape pods, no nothing. Just one dropship and one bulbous escape pod.

Seriously, if you want the Starship Troopers experience, watch the first and Roughnecks and nothing else.

This. Movie. Sucks. ASS!

Seed (2006)

It's a Uwe Boll movie... what else need I say?

[1/10 · 26 October 2008]

While not as bad as his game-to-movie adaptations, this hunk of crud doesn't fare much better.

Boll seems to have a pathological inability to accept that he doesn't make good movies. One of these days he'll run out of money and stop inflicting the world with his bombs.

The acting was sub-par, the dialog sounded like they were reading TelePrompTers and Boll's special little 'touches' were seen throughout the whole thing.

Like all Uwe Boll movies, this one just shouldn't exist.

Plain and simple.

Just like Uwe Boll himself shouldn't exist. >_>

The Stand (1994)

What a lousy movie...

[1/10 · 22 October 2008]

I'm sure the book was better, as is often the case with Steven King movies, but this one just plain REEKS.

The acting, to be fair, is really, really good. That's not my quibble though.

Everything started out REALLY good. But about two thirds into the movie, it starts to suffer grievously.

Convolution to the umpteenth degree... After the first two thirds, the movie just sort of meanders around without the momentum it had built up before.

The climax happens when, for no good reason, four of the heroes who you've gotten to know and like go to the city of 'bad people' and get captured.

By now, I imagine the writers had written themselves into a corner, so they make God set off a nuclear detonation in the city.

I'm not making that up, mind you. >_> It started great, but lost momentum and died slowly...

Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

What were they THINKING?

[1/10 · 29 August 2008]

So I sat down to it in the theater... I had high hopes, to be honest. The movie was touted as being 'What the Star Wars fans have been waiting for!' and 'More like the first trilogy!' Liars. All of them.

First warning sign, the Warner Brothers logo. You're telling me that the studio that brought you 'Space Jam' is going to make a Star Wars movie...? I can picture the sitdown for this...

'So Mr. Lucas, we've thought about it, and we've pored over a lot of fan mail suggesting story ideas, but we think it's all crap. I mean, who even likes the books? So we've come up with this tidbit the kiddies are sure to love. Jabba the Hutt's son (Who we never knew existed before) is kidnapped and the Jedi for... some reason we'll come up with later, have to rescue him!' Seriously now. How insulting could they possibly get? The voices were done impeccably well though and the character design, though a little goofy looking, worked well.

The side story of Anakin having a padawan was interesting, but wasn't really executed right. I mean, where does she go in the space of time between then and Episode 3? Just... makes... no... sense...

And don't even get me started on 'Ziro the Hutt' who sounds suspiciously like Droopy-Dog. I'm not making this up...

All in all, the movie was crap. I can't believe they're making a cartoon series based on this. Didn't we already have that with the Clone Wars cartoons? And those were good. Those were really good. Why do we need this crap suddenly shoved down our throats? Isn't it time to leave the prequel time behind and move along the mythos? Why not have tales from the New Republic? WHY?!

Noah's Ark (2007)

Possibly the best animated version of Noah's Ark

[10/10 · 28 April 2008]

Watch the film on Youtube. Believe me, it's worth it. The humor is mature enough for adults to enjoy, yet doesn't step on too many taboo toes.

It doesn't sugarcoat *everything*.

Just watch it...

I would recommend this version of Noah's Ark to any parent who isn't afraid of their kid seeing a little more mature humor. Think, 'Brave Little Toaster.' in terms of PC.

All in all, I'd say the film deserves more attention than it's been getting.

Sanctimony (2000)

Hold... the phone....

[1/10 · 17 March 2008]

Did Uwe Boll seriously just rip off the basic idea and dialogue from Se7en?! Why is it so fekking difficult for this douchebag to be original?! He even mentioned in an interview with Gametrailers that he chooses stuff like games to make into movies because the characters, plots, backstories and so on are already there and ready for him to screw with.

Guess it isn't too much of a stretch for him to rip off another movie entirely...

I mean, seriously, what the hell...? Here's something I made in Uwe's 'honor'...

http://zuucka.deviantart.com/art/Uwe-Boll-is-a-Douchebag-70369862

Rock-A-Doodle (1991)

Incredible tale!

[10/10 · 12 December 2007]

This film is one of the most undeservedly underrated of the good old Bluth movies, I think. It takes the classic fish out of water idea to another level. This is a theme I noticed with a lot of movies of that time, where creativity was much more free. The archetype of a lone hero who is thrust into a strange place with no way back and has to make fight or flight of the situation.

In this story, Edmond, the protagonist, is transformed into a tiny kitten against his will and taken from all that he knows with little more than the shirt (And fur) on his back, having to use his human mind to aid the clutch of critters that have been dispatched to retrieve the exiled Chanticleer and get him to sing the sun back.

This also introduces the theme of the hero stacked against towering odds... Not only is danger around every corner for one as small as him, but the very person he seeks to coax into returning doesn't want to come back.

This isn't one to pass up, folks. To Hell with Rotten Tomatoes' rating!

The Land Before Time (1988)

Ignore the sequels. The original is the very greatest!

[10/10 · 12 December 2007]

This film is one of the greatest family movies I've ever seen. Absolutely none of the sequels, with the possible exception of the second one, ever come close to matching this one in grandeur and majesty.

It teaches children self-reliance, confidence, the value of friendship, the hope for a better future, no matter how far away it may seem.

This is one of the few movies I saw as a child that has stood the test of time. Now twenty-three years old, I still enjoy it. It's one of Don Bluth's greatest works ever, and I hope they come out with a director's cut sometime that puts back in all the material the studio cut, much to Bluth's protest, from his film.

Borat (2006)

Two thumbs and two big toes WAY down...

[1/10 · 16 September 2007]

This movie was a disgrace. A complete travesty. I'm from South Africa, but it's a highly British environment. I have many American friends and I've been to America myself. The majority of them aren't like that. I imagine that this Sacha fellow and his camera crew had many encounters that went perfectly fine, but they hand-picked the outrageous ones. This movie is a great big Liberal anti-American propaganda. These people should be ashamed of themselves. That utterly, shamelessly homosexual scene in the hotel room was completely buggered. I dislike these berks more than even that Uwe Boll character. At least that stocky little German bastard is when to stop... well... actually no, they all can bite my bag.

All in all, a horrible movie that I wouldn't recommend to anyone, save for America hating Liberals.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Uwe Boll needs to get a life

[1/10 · 18 October 2006]

That irritating, grouchy, sociopathic, nerd-beating little snot of a man should drop from the face of the Earth for his sins...

This movie exemplifies everything about Ewe Boll's works. Simply put... They suck. And not in a good kind of way. In a 'simply sucks' kind of way.

Why this little bastard hasn't been deported yet is a mystery to me...

Anyway, the movie is terrible. Don't waste the time renting it or watching it, just to see how wretched it is. The money you spend doing that will ultimately end up in Boll's pocket, which he'll use to rape another game or make another piece of crap that's worth less then the material cost of creating the DVD.

Just don't do it folks...