sarcasm_for_free Reviews

Unfinished Business (1984)

Why am I even writing this? No-one's seen it...

[5/10 · 29 March 2023]

When your mother looks like one of the Nolan sisters, and your dad's a complete wet-wipe, you know you've got problems. And when 17-year old Isabelle (same name as the actress who plays her, natch) finds out her new activist friends are about to blow up a nuclear power plant, her life is about to get a whole lot more complicated. Who said teenage years were easy?

Unfinished Business is a pretty obscure find I watched on YouTube, featuring the Cold War paranoia that stretched as far as Canada back in the Reagan-era days of 1984. None (as far as I'm aware) of the Canuck cast went onto achieve great things in international cinema, and the whole predictable plot has a distinct whiff of 'Back To School Special' about it (Don't run away from home on a whim, Always listen to your parents, Don't do drugs, Eat your greens etc.).

Still, it has mostly good performances, and an amiable 80's charm that perseveres throughout. Even if it's over-earnestness can be grating sometimes, you can always play 'check out that bad hairdo or fashion choice'. Or just kick back and listen to that rocking soundtrack... in fact, that might be asking too much. *Puts earplugs in lugholes*. 5/10.

Smart Cookies (2012 TV Movie)

Stereotypes and cliches abound, but not bad.

[5/10 · 26 March 2023]

In this year's nominee for 'Most Original Concept', we have a misfit Girl Scout troupe (a fat one, a loner, a boy-crazy one etc) taken over temporarily(?) by a hard-nosed realtor bribed into this position by hopes of a promotion from her ex-scout boss. Obviously the two disparate parties can't stand each other at first, but what do you know... give them a bit of time and they might even beat their all-powerful all-conquering main rivals, preside over by a snotty club leader who's performance is by no way inspired by Sue Sylvester of Glee fame!

Yeah, so everything about this Made-For-TV is predictable and contrived, from the tacked-on love interest thrown in just for the sake of it (remember kids:NEVER let your career get in the way of a Good Man) to the treacly 'life lessons' learnt at the end tossed around like cheap cookies. Despite all this though, it still manages to be somewhat entertaining, thanks in no small part to some spirited performances from the youngsters and some surprisingly moving moments (A lot of schmaltz too, but it comes with the territory).

So while this one ain't gonna win any awards, considering its limited ambition & scope I'd say it just about does the job it sets out for. Put it this way: there are FAR worse ways to pass a boring Sunday morning... I would list them here, but I'm too bored. 5/10.

Genevieve (1953)

Stuck In The Slow Lane.

[5/10 · 17 March 2023]

I've got a friend who would've loved Genevieve. It's a warm-hearted, simple comedy where the worst that happens is the occasional petty argument which quickly gets resolved, or a few loose ends falling off an ancient jalopy that can easily be picked up. This is a bygone era where you can leave your door unlocked overnight, perfect strangers stop you in the street to ask how-do-you-do and even the police won't write you a speeding ticket if you have a pretty wife who'll bat her doeish eyes at them.

Sadly though, I am not my friend so this charming yet unsubstantial ramble about two couple's race from London to Brighton and back again in their old automobiles left me a little cold. I'm sure fans of these antique machines would appreciate it more, as would those who would perhaps find Carry On movies a bit much. But aside from the odd smile, and a show-stopping scene involving a dame's exuberant rendition on a trumpet, I can't really recommend this film.

In other words, it needed to go a bit more full throttle instead of being stuck on auto-drive (you didn't expect me to last the entire review without making at least one car joke, do you)?

Starstruck (1982)

STRUCK by how bad this is.

[3/10 · 23 February 2023]

Get this: A wannabe singer fresh out of school decides to listen to her younger 14-year-old brother and put on a fake pair of inflatable breasts to tightrope-walk between two buildings. This will apparently 'get her noticed' and instantly reward her with a recording contract.

And what do you know? It works! Hey, who are you to question this bizarre logic? If Kim Kardashian can become a sensation overnight on account of one sex tape, what's to stop a vocalist from hitting the big time by making a public spectacle of herself (no professional audition required)?

Sarcasm aside though, this really is one of the daftest films I've seen for quite some time. For a dated musical, the songs aren't too bad actually; some are pretty catchy, and they stay just the right side of kitsch. The problems are the ultra-camp 80's staging of them, which is downright unintentionally hilarious when it isn't deathly dull, and the dramatic parts in-between the flamboyant performances.

Let's just say your average Aussie soap has more well-drawn characters and compelling storylines, and leave it at that.

Still, there's a lot of cats in the movie. I like cats. Not that I'm gonna bump up the score for that or anything, but just thought I'd mention it. 3/10.

Meet the Feebles (1989)

Fortunately, a lot more than just feeble.

[6/10 · 23 February 2023]

A very silly yet graphic adult pupper show from Peter Jackson of Lord Of The Rings fame(!) it features every bodily fluid and sexual sin known to exist... along with a bit of drug-dealing and graphic violence on the side. Sufficed to say, this is definitely NOT for the kiddies. Unless you want them to grow up weird, or something.

But within all the explicit, potentially very offensive material, there IS a kind of sweetness that ultimately lifts the movie up from being just a mannequin snuff film. There are some genuine friendships and sympathetic moments now and then, and some of the nicest characters even get happy endings.

So even though all most people will remember from the early effort of a legendary director would probably be the puppet nudity, the profane musical numbers and (especially) the bloody climax, it's to the movie's credit it's a bit more than that. So yes, I would just about recommend... but get ready for a wild ride you won't forget in a while. 6/10.

My Brilliant Career (1979)

Solid yet unspectacular biopic.

[6/10 · 22 February 2023]

Judy Davis impresses mightily as a free-spirited young girl living in late 19th century Australia, and a very youthful Sam Neill pops up as her somewhat meeker potential suitor.

I tend to love movies set in the past where ahead-of-their-time people rebel against the stultifying values of yesteryear. You can't say a lot happens in this particular offering, but what it does have is great acting and a very clear sense of where it wants to go.

Based around a real-life autobiography, it certainly rings with authenticity in terms of period detail and the rigid societal culture back then. A lot of viewers though, after its finished will be asking themselves though: Did she make the right choice?

Based on the evidence, I would have to say: Yes! 6/10.

Traveller (1997)

Not really worth Travelling for...

[5/10 · 13 February 2023]

The late Bill Paxton stars as a con-artist modern-day traveller in this undistinguished flick, and he enlists wannabe gypsy Mark Wahlberg to help him with his schemes. The gorgeous Julianna Marguiles is caught up in the ride, for all the good it does her.

By no means a bad movie, it ambles along quite nicely with diverting scenes involving the central duo's various shady scams and friendly (sometimes not) banter between them. Paxton's romance is Marguiles is probably one of the weakest parts, as it pops up out of almost nowhere, and the chemistry just isn't really there. Plus she has a daughter who can't act for toffee, which is perhaps why she was given as few lines as possible.

Still like I said, everything is sort of fine until the last ten minutes or so, where we get an unexpectedly violent conclusion followed up by an unbelievably contrived deux ex machina. Then the 'happy' ending begins... and you can definitely tell they rewrote this script on the hoof during production to make it more palatable to a mainstream audience (according to the IMDB trivia section, anyway).

So, that's it. Yet another film slightly spoiled by the unnecessary decision to push an unrealistically generic final reel. If you actually liked it, that's fine. But I'd rather have something in line with what the plot demands, than designed to placate the masses in the cinema aisles... 5/10.

God Told Me To (1976)

...And I am telling YOU not to watch this.

[3/10 · 12 February 2023]

Pretty much a B-movie involving a police officer who investigates a series of mass-murders committed by people who say (as the title suggests) God 'told' them to do it, only to find he may be a lot closer to the case than he thinks...

I don't know where these positive reviews for this hunk o'junk came from, the movie barely made a lick of sense and when it did it was more laughable than thrilling. The climax especially was so unintentionally hilarious I near bust a gut chuckling at it.

At least it means I got SOME enjoyment though, as what else they is was so poorly edited and slow to unfold that it felt like wading through treacle. A randomly weird scene here, an awful 70's fashion statement there, and a whole lot of nothin' besides. No thanks.

Why did I watch it, then? I'd like to say 'God Told Me To', but the less clever answer is my own terrible judgement. Still, judging by some of the high ratings for this here, at least I am not alone there... 3/10.

On the Line (II) (2022)

One Twist Too Many.

[4/10 · 8 February 2023]

In a classic case of a movie being a lot less smarter than it thinks it is, we have Comeback Kid Mel Gibson as a radio host dealing with the apparent abduction of his wife and child live on air by a deranged caller who won't let him hang-up. His various dealings with the nut-job responsible for the kidnapping take up the vast majority of the film, and accompanying him on his 'journey' is a new member of staff at the station called Gary, who's mere presence clued me in on the predictable 'twist' in this warped tale.

What I DIDN'T see coming however, was the second twist... mainly, because it was so stupid I didn't think an allegedly professional writer would ever stoop to this level. Without revealing anything specific, it negates a lot of the movie, and leaves you a distinctly unsatisfying aftertaste.

Also not helping matters is virtually everyone in the film is an unlikeable jerk, so it's difficult to know who to root for. The question you need to ask yourself is: If there's no-one worth caring about, then why bother watching?

You may very well be wondering that as the final credits roll. Along with pondering why a certain spouse in the movie hasn't contacted her divorce lawyers yet, considering how she and her daughter have just been unforgivably exploited... 4/10.

Die Hard (1988)

An impossible standard to replicate

[10/10 · 2 January 2023]

Not many films can claim to be the greatest Christmas movie ever, the best action movie of all time and just as interesting to watch after 100+ viewings, but this one sure can. You could disagree I suppose, but you'd be wrong.

Bruce Willis is the perfect wisecracking everyday hero, who (get this) unlike Sly and Arnie can GET HURT and BLEED. Alan Rickman makes for a worthy adversary as a nemesis who actually has a brain as well as killer taste in suits.

The rest of the supporting roles are also memorable, from Will's tough-as-nails wife, Willis's Twinkie-loving cop friend via walkie-talkie and even Rickman's faceless goons have their occasional charms.

The effects are outstanding by 1988 standards, and hold up really well today. The whole experience is like a rollercoaster ride you don't want to stop, mixed in with a few well-placed moments of levity that provide welcome relief from the non-stop tumult.

So basically what I'm saying is, if you haven't seen it before... what have you been doing with your life?! WATCH IT. WATCH IT NOW.

And if you've already seen it (sensible chap) why not see it again? AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN. AND... D'ya think I may have a problem here? 10/10.

Sunday Premiere: The Happy Valley (1986) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Not So Happy With This Movie.

[5/10 · 15 December 2022]

Holly Aird sparkles in this intriguing but ultimately unsatisfying 1940's set Kenya drama, as a plucky teen with an awful home life. She's regularly beaten by her horrible tutor, insulted by her bigoted stepfather and neglected by her socialite stepmother. She seems to have made one friend in an elderly gentleman, but when he gets accused of murder... well, let's just say things escalate from there.

There are a lot of interesting scenes in The Happy Valley, which not only show off the gorgeous African landscape but also the prejudiced and downright offensive attitude the white British population took towards the natives back then. It's telling that the only one who treats them with any respect is Juanita (played by Holly Aird) herself a bit of an outcast. Things would change slowly over the years, but back then must've been a pretty bad place to live if you were black... or thought of them as 'people', come to think of it.

What the good moments fail to do though, is coalesce into a worthwhile whole. For all of Holly Aird's promising acting chops and a decent turn from the always reliable Denholm Elliott, the film lacks a sense of direction... with some parts going on for too long and others fading out just as they're getting interesting. And yes, I DO realise this was 'based on a true story' so they couldn't change that much, to which I would reply... maybe they could've turned it into a half-hour episode of something instead? Or simply, not bothered to make it in the first place...?

No, that's unfair... it's not nearly as bad as that. But as the sudden conclusion arrived and the ending credits rolled without emotion from me, all I could think of was: is this one of those films that could've been better if they'd been a bit more daring with their adaptation?

Yes. I easily think it could've been. 5/10.

Annie: A Royal Adventure! (1995 TV Movie)

The filmic equivalent of Ready Salted flavoured crisps.

[4/10 · 14 December 2022]

Let's see... in this sequel we have Annie going to London with two gal pals and her dog Sandy, to see her adopted father Daddy Warbucks being knighted by Prince Philip (Can he do that? I thought that duty was the sole preserve of the Queen).

Naturally, she gets up to all kinds of unrestrained hi-jinx along the way, mostly involving a couple of dumb Home Alone-style goons employed by a villainous Joan Collins in typically flirtatious form. She plans to blow up Buckingham Palace to become the new monarch you see, and to do that she plans to kidnap a scientist friend of Annie's to launch a missile...

Yes, I'm afraid it IS as stupid as it sounds. It's like the producers and TV schedulers (this was not a theatrical release, Que Surprise) desperately needed an Annie sequel to fill a Holiday timeslot. Instead of making a marvellous musical masterpiece to compliment the original though, they took a random harebrained screenplay off the shelf that could literally be about any group of spunky kids and dumb adults and said "this'll do".

Oh, I almost forgot... the cast DO sing a few lines from Tomorrow just before the ending credits roll. The strange thing is though, all the people joining in (apart from the actors playing Annie and Warbucks) seem to do so almost reluctantly, with little emotion or passion behind their crooning and nary a smile in sight.

Sort of how the movie was greenlit, I'd wager. 4/10.

Angela's Christmas Wish (2020)

It was okay.

[5/10 · 18 September 2022]

Angela's Christmas Wish (also known as Angela's Christmas Wish 2) has better quality animation than the original and is at least 15 minutes longer, but in terms of story doesn't quite match up to its predecessor from three years back.

In this particular instalment our titular heroine is on the hunt for her long-gone father to bring him home from Australia for the festive season. She's accompanied on her travels by her somewhat cowardly brother and a new female friend who may have even more spunk than her.

What follows is a sequence of events around town that could basically be described as a shaggy dog (or reindeer) story. Some scenes are more interesting than others, but as a whole they barely rank above average, and certainly don't feel very Chrismassy.

That is, until the 'big surprise' towards the end wraps everything up nicely, and Angela's song played over the credits is kind of lovely. But it's hard to justify the 45 minutes it takes to get there, unless you're very young or have a hankering for festive fare with virtually nothing in the way of frills or flavour.

Like eating a Christmas pud without any brandy, in other words. 5/10.

Angela's Christmas (2017)

Not gonna change the world, however...

[6/10 · 17 September 2022]

100 DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS, PART 1: ANGELA'S CHRISTMAS.

This (very short) animated film from the early days of Netflix is just fine, nothing more nothing less.

It tells the story of a young Irish girl in the early 20th century who decides to 'help' a baby Jesus figurine she sees in a church nativity display which she thinks is cold by stealing it. Hi-jinx and heartwarming moments predictably follow.

Lessons about the meaning of the season and the strength of family togetherness abound, and although the CGI may be dated it just about does the job.

If you're looking for an animated festive classic along the same lines as The Snowman you should probably try elsewhere, but as a cute warmup to the Holidays, you could do much, much worse than this little charmer. 6/10.

Alone in the Neon Jungle (1988 TV Movie)

Nice title! But as for the rest...

[3/10 · 1 September 2022]

So, you're watching a film made in the 80's about a female police sergeant who's been brought into clean up a corrupt precinct. What do you expect from your hour-and-a-half's worth of entertainment?

Gritty realism? Authentic violence? Bad language? Perhaps, given the gender of the new gal in charge, a bit of underlying sexual tension between the lady officer and her mostly chauvinistic male coppers?

Maybe it's the fact that this is an undemanding Made-For-TV. Maybe they sanitised it too much to try appealing to a wider audience. Or perhaps, the director and writer were just plain crap.

In any case, what you have instead is a rather boring tale of the new Ma'am dealing with a simple case of burglary in the department, knocking a few heads together and solving the problem with relative ease. Oh, and a few scenes where you sits at home moaning to her hunky husband about how 'tough' her new job is. Bless!

That's it. No real excitement, tension or God forbid, anything vaguely interesting happens whatsoever. There's a lot of tedious conversations that lead nowhere and bad attempts at jokes though... so if you like that kinda thing, I guess you're in hog heaven.

Now I hate genre cliches as much as the next guy, but what I wouldn't have given for a nice, juicy car chase or shootout to relieve the ongoing blandness.

No such luck. And if they were trying for a small-scale drama instead, that doesn't here work either. Everything feels too clean compared to what a REAL police station would be like if it was dripping with corruption, and the glaring absence of anything vaguely controversial means the whole enterprise feels as phony as a four dollar bill.

So in other words, it's a complete strikeout on all fronts. Avoid, avoid, AVOID.

Oh, as a final insult (because after suffering through this I'm in no mood to be charitable) the opening titles are some of the worst I've ever seen. Yeesh. 3/10.

Vigil (1984)

Hard to maintain a 'Vigil' when you want to fall asleep.

[4/10 · 24 July 2022]

As a wart-and-all depiction of life on an isolated New Zealand farm, which shows the stresses of strains of dealing with unruly sheep, malfunctioning machinery and dangerous terrain, Vigil is no doubt an important time capsule.

It might be studied generations from now, as a true snapshot of history. I can just imagine conferences devoted to it, populated by brooding academics debating it's quaint charms and 'how much we've left behind' by moving to a far more industrialised economy. We'll all be eating bugs soon instead of meat, fish and eggs dontcha know ;)

As a spectacle of entertainment though, it's a pretty pallid experience. Lot's of scenes of dirt-encrusted farmers discussing the finer points of their chosen profession is not my idea of fun... and that doesn't even take into account the many moments where there's no dialogue at all, just rustic people wandering around the countryside as the 'atmospheric' music swells to hitherto unheard levels of pomp.

All very touching, but it does little to alleviate the distinct impression you may be wasting your time a tad. Throwing in a half-hearted love affair, and a vague subplot about 'returning to civilisation' doesn't exactly make up for the overriding feeling of boredom, either.

Still, the girl is very good, Shame she didn't much of her acting career after this, but her choice I guess. And as mentioned, nowt much wrong with the cinematography.

But if I want a similar experience in the future, I'll probably skip this borefest and have a flick through Farmer's Weekly instead. Now, let's see... so, combine harvesters are half price off at the mo? Interesting, vveerrrryy interesting... 4/10.

Notting Hill (1999)

Bog-standard romcom NOT elevated by its star power.

[5/10 · 18 June 2022]

Felt too contrived for me. Hugh Grant is bland and boring, Julia Roberts nondescript. No real chemistry, so hard to care if they end up together.

Hugh's friends are the ones who have the biggest impact (Gina McKee especially) but they're not in it for long. Although, less of Rhys Ifan's mugging for the camera would've been ideal

A lot of the allegedly funny conversation sounds like exactly what it is: part of a script, instead of anything authentic or spontaneous. In other words, not great.

This is my second viewing of Notting Hill. The first time, at the cinema more than 20 years ago, I thought it was pretty dull with a few isolated good bits. Has my opinion changed in the intervening years?

Well, you know what they say about first impressions... 5/10.

Don't Hang Up (2016)

Isn't the whole point of this kind of movie...

[4/10 · 8 June 2022]

...That we want the 'victims' to survive?

These people are irredeemable morons, there's no two ways about it.

Calling up random people and pretending their daughter is dead, murderers are in their house or that they have a fatal disease is not funny or cool, no matter how this movie tries to portray it through obnoxious montages with obtrusive music.

The ringleader here is especially despicable, but also extremely irritating with his 'in your face' attitude and planet-sized ego. His student friend might not be as morally bankrupt, but he plays along ably enough and ends up loving their jolly japes together in the end.

I say: they both deserve EXACTLY what happens to 'em. And very satisfying to witness it is, too.

The problem is though, having to suffer their company alone in a house for the best part of 82 minutes. We hear these two idiots talk a lot, argue violently then get all sad and emotional when they find out what the stakes REALLY are.

I don't know if it's these awful characters or plain bad acting, but the experience was almost intolerable. And the occasional appearance by other, less annoying people to interact with them didn't take away much of the pain either.

Plus, the film was sloppily written. A lot of this whole complicated set-up went unexplained, and one of the thousand ways out of the warped scenario... was never taken by our terminally dumb leads.

Like I said, it's all about the ending and how satisfying it is to see a couple of the most unlikable losers to grace our screens get their just desserts.

The dilemma arrives when you realise you have sit through so many tiresome scenes just to get there. Or figure out why you hated them so much in the first place.

What to do... what to do...

Nah, not worth it. 4/10.

The Proud Rebel (1958)

Go West.

[6/10 · 5 June 2022]

It's a tale as old as time immemorial: single travelling man sells dog to pay for son to get his voice back via an operation. When said op doesn't work and boy hates his pop for trading in his beloved pet, the man has to find a way to get his old pooch back. Hell hath no wrath like a mute kid separated from his beloved animal, after all.

Throw a very independent (for the time period) possible-love-interest lady who owns a nearby farm, and some rootin' tootin' crooks who'll stop at nothing to teach this new arrival some manners (they also happen to have his dog) and you have yourself a very fraught situation indeed. With this being a 50's western though, you can probably guess how it's gonna end at a time when Hollywood was pretty averse to taking risks...

A leisurely if not spectacular watch with good performances all round and a good bit of drama, The Proud Rebel eschews the usual genres staples of tense shoot-outs and fighting with Indians to concentrate mostly on the moving relationship between this determined man and his son, and well as throw in a bit of romance at the sidelines.

When I watched it (a rainy Sunday afternoon) is probably the best time; any other part of the day I might've thought it a bit too slight, but when you've got nothing better to do and the weather outside is foul, it hit the spot just perfect. 6/10.

By Dawn's Early Light (1990 TV Movie)

A bit more closer to home than I would like....

[6/10 · 1 June 2022]

Very topical considering the current kerfuffle going on in Russia, this made-for-TV movie Soviet thriller is set during the Cold War where one bad decision could've led to World War III. Both sides in this long-running conflict between America and the Ruskies are constantly on edge wondering what the other is planning, and looking to take advantage of any hesitation or slip-ups. They call them 'wargames', but there's nothing fun about approaching potential armageddon...

A lot of the movie is talking heads pondering the rapidly escalating situation in sombre tones, so if you're after an action-packed extravaganza, you'd best look elsewhere. For what it is though, the slower dramatic scenes and the sudden outbursts of violence mesh pretty well, regardless of some dull technical moments of explanation and a few dodgy performances (mostly from the supporting cast).

It's pretty absorbing, quite thoughtful and has absolutely no parallels with anything happening now or in the future.

Here's hoping, anyway.... 6/10.

The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)

Coen Class.

[8/10 · 26 May 2022]

With a heady mix of suspense, drama and comedy, TMWWT excels at all three.

This shouldn't be a surprise, as the Coen Brothers have yet to make anything approaching a bad movie.

Here though, with its crisp black & white cinematography and cast of new & old Coen favourites, the material still feels vibrantly new.

Billy Bob Thornton is quickly becoming one of my favourite actors, and here he gives another great performance as a quiet man who somehow deserves and yet doesn't deserve everything which happens to him.

(In writing that, it kinda reminds me of The Great Lebowski, although this is much less surreal).

Filled with memorable scenes and little touches that could only come from the pen and directorship of this dynamic duo, you'd be well advised to watch this ASAP.

I waited till twenty years after the release. Big mistake... :/ 8/10.

The Amityville Horror (1979)

I'd be in a hotel after the first night.

[6/10 · 25 May 2022]

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OUT!" Screams the poster of The Amityville Horror, advice which maybe the family who move in should've taken about ten minutes into the movie. Despite mysterious voices, shattering windows, front doors busted off their hinges and a slowly-going-insane husband, this family of five inexplicably ignore all the warning signs and persevere. More fool them.

This is a straight-out horror film with little interest in continuity, characterisations or indeed a serious plot. It's just one straight-out 'BOO' moment from beginning to end, sprinkled with a few unintentionally funny bits along the way of gross overacting. It's very variable in scares, and people might be disappointed with the 'climax', but it's not a boring film and always has you second-guessing as to what weird and wonderful fright it'll spring on us next.

For that alone (in a genre with probably more bad movies than any other) I'd say that earns it a passing grade.

Besides, from what I hear this film has around twenty remakes, reboots and sequels. NOTHING is more frightening than considering how bad some of those might be... 6/10.

#Like (2019)

Do not #Like.

[5/10 · 19 May 2022]

A promising set-up ends in disappointment in #Like, and not just for the female protagonist. A movie very much like Hard Candy in everything but decent execution, it seems constantly on the verge on many different genres... suspense thriller, torture porn, teen romance... before backing away from all of them and just being an unseemly mish-mash of nothing in particular.

This is a real shame as the acting is universally good, and the twist at the end could be impactful under different circumstances. But with so much confusion as to what it wants to be, plus the MANY unanswered questions at the end, you have a half-baked creation of which the best compliment is that it's less than the sum of it's parts.

Next time, try kneading the plot dough a bit more, add a pinch of salt then stick it in the oven for an extra five minutes. The end result will be worth the extra effort. Guaranteed. :) 5/10.

Angel Mountain (2021)

What an experience! Though, probably not what they intended...

[2/10 · 18 May 2022]

What do you call a movie...

...Set in the 50's but due to MANY anachronisms and generally bad set direction, never fools you that it takes place then for a second?

...With one of the worst child actors I've ever seen, who was apparently bribed for the role with a Hershey's bar without a single audition?

...Where there's a lead actress who sounds about as French as my fish & chips, who can't even do 'drunk' effectively? I'm teetotal, and even I could fake it better than this no-hoper!

...Which has many long, meandering scenes where nothing happens but people riding around on bicycles, talking and we can't hear them, without even any background music? Weird.

...Full of moments of 'tragedy' which are so badly handled by the director they inspire spurts of laughter instead of the intended tears? Like slaps and punches that never make contact, or a 'stabbing' where the knife never goes in. Did I wander into amateur-hour instead?

...Chock-a-block with 'emotional' moments which never work because the dialogue is so bad, the cast's emotional range is so limited and we don't care about any of these facile people anyway.

...Is so frigging awesome in all of it's unintended hilarity that despite all the above, is essential viewing for So-Bad-It's-Good film nights?

The answer to the first question is Angel Mountain, in case you hadn't figured it out yet.

It's not Citizen Kane, or even the latest Fast & Furious flick, but I'm glad it exists.

In a strangely masochistically endearing way. 2/10.

Lone Survivor (2013)

Less Testosterone & More Humanity Needed.

[6/10 · 16 May 2022]

Despite a very simple-minded approach to the war in Afghanistan, and an unashamed celebration of all things gung-ho and American, this is a pretty absorbing 'true' story of sacrifice and brotherhood during the height of this conflict ('true' as in certain parts feel like a movie, no doubt to make it more entertaining to the mainstream).

I doubt these marines were the sometime supermen you see here, being able to take bullets at will and yet able to carry on for hours. And I don't believe the enemy hadjis were such terrible shots, with the four Americans killing the opposition seemingly at will. But its impact as an arresting spectacle is undeniable.

I actually prefer the second half of the movie, when Mark Wahlberg (the so-called Lone Survivor) is helped by some local villagers who shelter him from Taliban soldiers. This part contains some truly moving scenes, as he bonds with a local boy and some of his prejudices about the people that live there are finally shed.

Overall a bit too unbelievable in terms of its details sometimes and definitely overdosed on mindless patriotism, but worth at least one viewing. 6/10.