dancingbohemian Reviews

The Untouchables (1987)

HAH: Part three SPOILERS ALERT

[7 February 2001]

So Elliot grabs the bailiff and chases Nitti out of the courtroom. The gun is snatched, pockets are emptied.and.what's this? A card from the mayor, stating that everybody better do right by Mr. Nitti, because he's an OK guy? Sigh. Guess he gets his gun back.

Then Elliot decides he wants to smoke, which is convenient, because there just happens to be a matchbook in the contents of Mr. Nitti's pockets. And guess what else? There also just happens to be Malone's address written on the inside cover of this matchbook. Dum dum dum.

This leads to the bailiff getting shot, Nitti taking off, and Elliot chasing him up many flights of stairs. We know that Nitti has run up the stairs because he starts shooting people for no reason, and Elliot is greeted by falling bodies as he scrambles up flight after flight. This shouldn't be amusing..but it is.

Soon, the two men are up on the roof. Naturally. And then things really start getting good. (Oh, and did I mention the music? Let's just describe it as..creepy Kenny G. But that's almost redundant.)

My favorite scene out of this entire movie occurs right about here: Nitti is already on the roof, and Elliot has just opened the door that leads out. Nitti shoots at him as he's coming onto the roof, and Elliot hits the floor and starts rolling. He keeps rolling, and soon rolls..RIGHT OFF OF THE ROOF!!

Ha ha ha. So Elliot met his demise by falling off the roof of the courthouse. That's classic.

Or it WOULD have been, if there hadn't HAPPENED to be a conveniently placed platform below the ledge of the roof, which, of course, Elliot landed on. But Nitti thinks, as I did, that Elliot has met a squishy, messy demise down on the ground, so he peers over the edge to confirm this. Unfortunately for him, Elliot is ready and waiting, and proceeds to shoot Nitti, point blank. You'd think that'd do it.

So.Nitti goes flying backwards and falls down.only to hop right back up again, unscathed. Explain that one to me.

Elliot finally gets back on the roof, and starts running around in search of Nitti. Meantime, Nitti has decided to climb down a (once again, conveniently placed) rope that was dangling off of the roof. Elliot discovers this, and stands at the top, looking down scornfully at the bad man. To show just how scornful he really is, he raises his gun and cocks it. But you know where this is going. Instead of shooting this dirty churl, as he rightfully should, he lowers the gun and casts down his eyes. Aw. Nitti sees this, and triumphantly climbs back up the rope to the roof, where Elliot actually extends his hand and pulls him up. choking.

So Nitti is riding high. Not only is he still alive, he's going to get off with a little help from his benevolent employer, Mr. Capone, and he'll be able to continue with his murderous doings. Best thing for him to do at this point is to go quietly. But nooooooo...he's got to ANTAGONIZE Elliot. This is not a wise decision. See, Elliot can only kill people if they start disrespecting his dead friends.and since this is exactly what Nitti does, Elliot takes the opportunity to THROW HIM OFF THE ROOF. Yay. Elliot finally got some chutzpah.

This leads to a hysterical and incredibly bogus shot of Nitti screaming bloody murder as he goes hurtling towards the ground, finally smashing through the roof of a parked car. Ouch. That's got to hurt.

A manly Elliot returns to the courtroom, and Stone asks where Nitti is. `In the car,' Kevin says, trying to sound as clever as possible. Har de har har.

Coming to a close: At this point, our hero discovers a list showing that the jury has been bribed, and in an attempt to get a new jury, he bluffs that the judge's name was on the list as well. Apparently, the judge was less than honorable, for he gives Elliot the new jury. For some reason, this turn of events causes Capone's lawyer to change the plea from 'Not Guilty' to 'Guilty'..and everything basically falls apart. Al jumps up and starts shouting nasty comments at everyone, Elliot walks around triumphantly, kind of like a peacock, and the whole courtroom goes ballistic. Typical.

At long last, the movie comes to a close, ending with a reporter asking `Mr. Ness! Mr. Ness! Have you heard that they may repeal prohibition? What will you do then?'.where we see Kevy turn toward the camera and say with a sly grin, `I guess I'll go have a drink.'

HAH. I'll take Bogie any day.

The Untouchables (1987)

HAH: Part two SPOILERS ALERT

[7 February 2001]

After this little tiff, we get back to the killing. So who should we get rid of next? Why, Malone, of course! But wait..it's not that easy. You see, even if you sneak into his house and stealthily tiptoe up behind him, he can magically hear you, and will, at the last moment, whirl around with a shotgun. But silly Malone, he's just too nice. Instead of shooting you (as he should), he chases you out of his apartment, into the hallway, where my goodness there just happens to be another bad guy waiting, this time with a MACHINE GUN!! Now we see Malone get shot to pieces..but this bullet-riddled Scottish bad boy just doesn't feel like dying quite yet. No, he has to drag himself all the way to the back of his apartment (which leaves a nice, long, artistic trail of blood for Elliot to follow). Now does the b*****d die? NO! He just HAS to wait until Elliot shows up, so he can cough blood all over him and give him the last, vital clue (which I'm sure Elliot would never have found had he searched the apartment) and dramatically gasp, `What are you prepared to do?'...like I said, a walking cliché.

Now we get to the REALLY good part. Yes, that's right, the infamous 'Train Station Shootout', where Elliot is attempting to get Al Capone's bookkeeper. At this point, we get to use lots and lots of camera angles, slow motion, and echo-y sounds in order to create, yet again, the 'artistic' effect. Here we go:

The sequence begins with Elliot positioning himself on a platform above the stairs, and Stone going somewhere below him. Soon we get to see the clock. Then Elliot. Then the door. Then Elliot. Then a woman with a baby carriage, trying to go up the stairs below Elliot. Then the clock. Then Elliot.

And so on.

Just as the drama is beginning to get to be TOO MUCH..Elliot decides to be gallant and go help the stupid woman with the baby. So he drags the thing up the stairs (we've still got the slow motion and echo-y sound thing going on) and once he reaches the top, lo an behold, there's the bad guy. He shoots the bad guy. He shoots another bad guy. Stone magically appears and shoots a bad guy that was about to shoot Elliot but just didn't quite get the shot off. Meanwhile.the baby carriage has begun to roll down the stairs (in slow motion, of course). The plot thickens. So.Elliot starts to chase after it. Naturally. Meanwhile, he and Stone continue to nonchalantly mow down all the bad guys, one shot for each. Soon, Elliot has grabbed the baby carriage, but oh dear he's out of bullets. So here comes Stone, tossing him another gun (that he happened to have handy) while sliding- baseball style- in front of the baby carriage, just so it doesn't tip over.

Wow. I don't know about you, but that's sounds like spectacular cinematography to me.

(Let me just put this out in the open: The whole baby carriage nonsense WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED were it not for Elliot's ridiculous need to be a gentlemen at all times. If he had just let the lady struggle, she wouldn't have gotten up the stairs, and the stupid thing wouldn't have started rolling down again. Or better yet, he could have told her to get the hell out of the way..)

Anyways, this whole shenanigan ends with the last remaining bad guy using the sniveling bookkeeper as a body shield, with a gun pressed firmly to his head. `Blah blah blah..if you don't let me get out of here, the bookkeeper dies' and so on. Elliot asks Stone in his most rugged voice, `Have you got him?' and Stone answers, `I got him.'..(a whole three words!!). This, of course, is referring to Stone's impeccable aim, even when he's lying on the floor, twenty yards from his target, leaning back and squinting really, really hard. Soon, the fat, blustery bad guy starts counting, but before he can even get to `Two', Mr. Stone goes, 'Bang!'. (I guess Georgie boy just doesn't have much patience)

Now, instead of just letting the bad guy get his head blown off, or something normal like that, we're expected to believe that- get this- George Stone shot directly into Mr. Bad Guy's MOUTH.not only that, he also managed NOT to hit his lips, teeth, or any of the surrounding area. And as proof of this miraculous feat, we (as viewers) get to see blood come gushing out the fat guy's mouth. Lovely. And so believable, too.

Cut to a close-up of the trembling bookkeeper's face. Yeah, that's right you little twerp, you better not mess with George Stone. He's a badass who can shoot people in the mouth.

Don't you just love Hollywood?

Following this delightful sequence of events, we begin to wrap things up. Dear Elliot and his pal Georgie head off to the courtroom, where they plan to pin tax evasion on Capone, with the help of his not so loyal bookkeeper. The trial commences, and things don't look too good for Capone. But gosh, something's just not right. Why is he smiling? Why is he.yawning?! Do you think...no, it couldn't be. He couldn't POSSIBLY have anything up his sleeve.

Kevy (being the bright boy he is) figures out that something's up. Suddenly, he sees Capone's right-hand man- a guy by the name of Nitti- leaning over to talk to Al. And- gasp - he has a gun. Oh no, what's a boy to do.

The Untouchables (1987)

HAH: Part one

[7 February 2001]

THIS WHOLE THING IS A SPOILER...but since the movie isn't worth seeing, you may as well read this scintillating review and save yourself some time.

So the lights go down, the credits fade out, and the movie begins. I lean forward, as do my classmates, in eager anticipation of things to come, my hopes high, my mind waiting to be enlightened. After all, my history professor wouldn't show a movie that was disastrously abominable, would he?

HAH.

Okay, the first scene begins with this oh-so-artistic overhead shot of Mr. Al Capone (Dinero) getting a shave and an interview by a bunch of nervously obedient reporters. This gives him the opportunity to introduce his character as a smooth talking tough guy. I'm trembling.

Then we lead into another artistically shot scene where we see just how tough he really is. See, he makes stores (and little girls) go BOOM if they don't cooperate with him. I'm shaking.

And this, of course leads into the sharply contrasting scene that portrays the idyllic life of Mr. Can-do-no-wrong, Elliot Ness. Aw, look, his sweet little wife is packing him a lunch. All we see of our hero at this point is the back of his head. So far so good.

AND THEN...

To the police station, where we first get a glimpse of our Good Guy. And who do you think it is? That's right, none other than KEVIN COSTNER. Let me tell you, I almost threw up.

(Let's just say my opinion of Mr. Costner is less than. complimentary)

Okay, I says to myself. So the main character is played by Kevin Costner. Maybe the rest of the movie will make up for it.

HAH.

Alright, alright. The first half an hour, give or take a few minutes, was `Okay'. Not stellar or even worthwhile, but definitely tolerable. During this time, we are introduced to the sage old timer cop (Malone), played by Sean Connery.basically, a walking cliché. Following this, we meet the young 'prodigy' of a cop (Stone), played by Andy Garcia, who says what, a total of 10 words throughout the duration of the movie? And then, last but certainly not least, we throw in the nerdy accountant (Wallace), who somehow ends up with a gun and an attitude.of some sort. I never really figured that one out. Oh well, I must be stupid.

Sometime during all this, we came to a scene where Elliot and his family were gathered in their living room, listening to the radio. I honestly got a kick out of this, and here's why: They had a 1930's model Cathedral radio (Which my family happens to own), and they were listening to Amos and Andy (I'm a big old time radio buff, and own many of their shows). However.this little highlight fails to compensate for the rest of the film.

The other memorable occurrence during this first portion of the film was the scene where, again, Mr. Capone is showing his deeply rooted nasty side. See, as soon as I saw him pull out the baseball bat (even though he was supposedly using it for an analogy) I put two and two together. See? : Bad guy + baseball bat = bad situation. And guess what? I was right.

Anyways. All of a sudden, we're at the 'Bridge Shootout' (in order to stop a shipment of booze), and our four Untouchables are now desperados (give me a break). on horses, no less. And here's where things really start to go downhill. Although, to be perfectly honest, I couldn't really pay attention during this scene. I was too busy cracking up. I mean, who are you trying to kid with that MUSIC?!. But what's most priceless about the whole thing is at the end, when poor Kevy (Elliot) actually has to kill someone.insert gasp here. Being the noble and decent guy he is, he gets very upset about it, and yells at the dead guy for making him have to do something so atrocious. (Hey Elliot! Guess what? HE WAS A BAD GUY. Just let it go.)

After this incident, Mr. Capone is not a happy camper. In fact, he's rather put out about the whole thing. He displays this by stomping around and yelling at the top of his lungs. A lot. So naturally, The Untouchables begin to feel his wrath. (Didn't see that one coming)

First, let's start by killing the nerd. In order to do this, we must arrange it so that he is escorting an essential witness (and squealer) to the courthouse. Of course! That's perfectly logical. Then, to spice things up, throw in a glitch in security, thus allowing one of Capone's men to sneak into the police headquarters, dressed as a cop, and somehow manage to get appointed as the armed guard for Wally and his witness. Toss in a small service elevator, and you've got a double murder. Woohoo!

Poor Elliot. Things are just not going his way. So the only thing to do is- you guessed it!- go storming over to Al's hotel, confront him and his posse, and get in his face. Here we get to see his ghetto side. I really thought he was gonna say, `C'mon, bitch. You wanna piece of me?' and bounce his stomach off of Dinero's. Too bad he didn't. That would have made for some quality entertainment.