ebert311-1 Reviews

The Rhythm Section (2020)

Not good or great

[6/10 · 31 January 2020]

I watched this tonight before it comes out on Friday. This movie is really 30-45 minutes too long. I blame flashbacks. The movie tried too hard to make us remember the grieving process the main character was experiencing. After the 20th flashback, I seriously questioned what the director was thinking. Did he think we were suffering from the same disease as Memento?

The scenery was great. The action was ok. The camera work decisions were questionable. When the character was running or driving, we got what I would call running with an iPhone cam. It was very distracting and it took you out of the movie.

So, should you see this movie? I would say not in theaters. I would save this for Netflix where you can watch several movies for a flat rate. I really hoped that it would be better. The marketing team destroyed a big plot point in the trailer for the movie. It would have been cool to see a female Jason Bourne. With a different director and better pacing, we could have had that.

I Spit on Your Grave (2010)

Don't know which was worst? The Torture/Rape or Wasting Time Watching This

[1/10 · 21 February 2011]

There are bad movies. There are terrible movies. There are movies that should never be seen by anyone. And then there is "I Spit on Your Grave" remake. Unlike the Last House of the Left, which is a similar brutal horror/revenge movie, the whole premise of this movie is as crazy as a crackhead running your bank account.

Just like the original, the movie starts with a lot of interesting setup. It's creepy and when they finally get to scaring the lead character (Jennifer), you start to squirm. It's makes you feel really uncomfortable and that's what you should feel. The rape/torture scene is tough to watch and you pretty much want to stop watching the movie at that time. If the movie swerved from this point and did something original, it would have been cool. I've seen the original and it's a mess as well, but this is suppose to be an updated remake. Not retread. I was expecting something cool and new. Dangit, I was expecting too much. Oh and the logic behind this movie....

Jennifer isn't a big girl at all. But we are suppose to believe that she is strong enough to choke out a mentally challenged boy who was earlier strong enough to force her to the ground. We are also suppose to believe that she could carry another grown man and tie him to a bathtub. Jennifer might weigh 90 pounds at the most. She's a writer and supposedly she survived in the woods for a month after falling naked into a dirty pool with gaters. Question. How come her clothes are completely clean? Wait, where did she get clothes? She was naked when they thought she was killed! She not only has clothes (which were burned when they thought she was dead) but boots that were her perfect size and are just as clean. I suppose she found them in the woods along with lye. Lye? Yeah, that's something you find when you go camping. When did she get a chance to wash her hair? The water didn't work in her cabin that well. But she had enough clean water to torture someone and shower. OK, when she's ready to take on the main guy of the trio, again, she supposedly carried a grown man and was able to hang him on the ceiling. Again, she has a change of clothes...from where!?!!? Oh and how is she strong enough to pull someone's teeth out? Oh and how can you choke someone out for HOURS (this is in regards to the last murder) and then have them wake up. Again, she's able to carry people all over the place, rig traps and hoists like she's a professional carpenter, and talk like she's the baddest woman on the planet.

I could go on and on about how unrealistic this is. The title character's name is Jennifer Hills and if anyone tells you to watch this movie with them, HEAD FOR THE HILLS!! The opposite one that isn't playing this movie.

Cookies & Cream (2008)

This should have been a good movie

[1/10 · 21 February 2011]

As I watched the first five minutes of this movie, it reminds me of the typical porn website that has the same tired premise. When you realize that this is about the woman and how she is struggling with her choice to enter the adult industry, it actually makes you interested.

I love movies that features entertaining conversation and witty banter. This movie contains neither. The main character is frustrating to watch as you see her struggle with her choices but she's not truthful to anyone at the same time. By the time she does find a good man, she lies to him about her profession and then we (the audience) are suppose to feel sympathy for her lies. The movie also has characters that are not necessarily important to the movie. She has a scene with her parents that goes nowhere and she has a daughter that we don't see til nearly the end of the movie. Those scenes were probably designed to make us feel for the character, but by the time they show up, you are already checked out of the movie.

So, what went wrong with this movie? Part of the reason why this movie isn't that great is because it doesn't go anywhere for nearly 50 minutes. You keep waiting for something to happen and nothing does. You are suppose to be in awe of watching a couple fall in love and it's more like watching a couple talk at a house party about drapes for an hour. The other thing that's missing is a solid plot. We have a very interesting beginning and the first 10 minutes tells a good story. But after that, there's nothing until the last 2 minutes of the movie. So, for the majority of the movie, you have nothing going on and it's part script and part direction. However, I will say that there are some very unique camera setups and basically, I found myself looking at that more than the movie itself.

I would usually say if a movie is bad, rent it for a dollar or something. In this case, skip this movie entirely. It's just a waste of time and a good idea. I would love to see someone redo this story with a plot and interesting dialogue.

This Darkness: The Vampire Virus (2003 Video)

A Long and Winding Brood of a Vampire Movie

[2/10 · 11 June 2010]

After dusting off this video from my collection, I rewatched it again and noticed that on a second viewing, it didn't get any better. As all of the other reviews mention, this story was a twist on the classic vampire story we all know and love. The twist was actually good, but there were some bad points that kinda ruined the movie for me.

First the good. The plot was fairly good and the way it was told was pretty interesting. From the first snapshots on the beach to the final showdown, there seemed to be plenty of interesting locations and characters. A lot of people complained about the low lighting, but I didn't really think it was that bad. The acting was all over the place. Some characters were believable and others were the actual walking dead.

Now, the bad. The storytelling was good, but long. Too long. We stayed too long on the initial lecture and several other key points. Instead of building character relationships (so we would care if they died or not), we got a lot of technical jargon talk that could put anyone to sleep. The attempts at comedy were uneven. It was obvious that the writer of the movie was Dr. Van because he was trying way to hard to be witty. It would have been more realistic of the students were more witty than the teacher. Finally, there was gaps in the storytelling that should have been addressed (if we are going to watch a movie that is over 80 minutes long).

I went to IMDb to see if he filmed another movie and it seemed that this was his only one. He did take the time to respond to some of the criticism here and I really appreciate that. I wish we could see more from him to see how he could have advanced as a filmmaker. I also wanted to see if some of the actors (nearly all of the main characters) were in other productions because I wanted to see more of them. Unfortunately, it seems that this is a one and out type deal. To me, this is the saddest thing about the movie.

This movie isn't great or even good. But it's not the worst low rate movie I've seen. It had martial arts in it that was believable for goodness sakes!! I give it a 2 but it's with affection.