emilyblunt Reviews

Stink! (2015)

You're about to hate just about every product you love.

[9/10 · 9 December 2015]

Documentary. Emily Blunt of BluntReview says:Please go see this...but be warned, you will then be up all night reading labels…and tossing out lots off stuff. Because Stink! is gonna leave a huge stank.

Watch in wonder as unpronounceable chemicals become "fragrance" – a code word for, well, what ever the hell the manufacturer wants to put in there. It's eye-opening and shocking.

See real people, asked simple questions, morph into shifty-eyed 1940s gangster film double talkers performing an impromptu verbal Cirque du Soleil – simply to avoid disclosing any ingredient, or its actual point for being in something.

The whole documentary thing started after a father bought PJs for his kids. The children could not stand the smell coming off the youth-geared apparel, purchased at a youth-geared franchise. And so began his journey down the rabid rabbit labyrynth of corporate fun in some mental game of Twister.

There's no clever edits to shape a bias. The footage just plays as your popcorn is held in mid-crunch; what is this "butter" that's so so yellow. Spoiler for mankind: the worst offender is scented items; read anything that has scent added. Period. Those hidden ingredients have directly lead to obesity, asthma, cancer…death. And (it this is not a dramatic play) the fragrance has no legal need to have its ingredients listed; they can blend anything, pop it in there, and call it "Apple Scented." Everyone should see Stink! You'll discover there are really, honestly, no safety controls on our products' ingredients. You can absolutely have poison in there and thanks to "proprietary formulas" you are not allowed to know. In fact, under current law, there can be toxins in products and the FDA can not even issue a recall <- this is paraphrased from an actual scene in Stink of a Senate hearing… ....Beware the Phthalates

Strangerland (2015)

Drama - Real Grown Up Unapologetic Drama

[8/10 · 12 August 2015]

Dark dramas can be emotionally disturbing; a relentless ebb and flow of emotional pull and crashing honesty. It must be careful not to bend towards schmaltz or surrealism; the more invested we are as viewers, the stronger the emotional zenith. The caveat for Strangerland is it is not for all. As wonderful a drama as it is. Truth is often hard. Plus, younger audience members will not have had life-experience to grasp the gritty honesty shown. Think Eugene O'Neill. An admirer of Long Day's Journey or Moon for the Misbegotten will adore these emotional workings; its riptide undercurrent and unfinished tableaux.

In plain English? It's wicked dramatic and the teens are not the stars, the grown ups and their keep-from-the-kids emotions are.

Amazing terrible truths are churned upon the screen until your whole being is glued. You are witness to a small family cracking, breaking, imploding, snapping violently and then fold in towards repair.

All this cataclysmic inter-family brouhaha is unfolding in a tiny Australian desert town people kind of made happen – in the way we do. The surrounding land seems none too keen on the intrusion, and feels free to pluck townsfolk away, vanished, at random…or so the local myths go.

And, new to this area is the Parker family (Nicole Kidman, Joseph Fiennes, Madison Brown, and Nicholas Hamilton). From frame one, you understand, things are a pinch off – but what. Oddly, the son walks all night as he can not sleep, and the daughter is a tad over-sexual at a minor age of 15. In fact, this demotion of the family to the strangerlands, is due to her recent covert meanderings with her much older sleazstack-ish teacher. The tension left in the affair's wake is as taut as any aerial act's wires.

Lillie (Madison Brown) is a languishing Lolita. Though, boys her age are fair game too. She's very unhappy here. So is her kid brother… The evening after a very metaphoric dust storm hits, igniting the emotional fury ahead both children are no where to be found. And, as this place borders a literal desert, parental panic ensues. The police sort of get on, but the family's past threatens to swallow them all over again. Where are these kids? The cast is superb. Joseph Fiennes, Mr. Parker, is akin to well-aired Justin Isosceles 2010 red. He is a cut of grass-fed grade A mansteak. 'Course, that's just part of his genealogy; Ralph, his elder brother, is aging like a fine Giuseppe Quintarelli amarone. Yet, while yes the Fiennes men's beauty is well thrown about for idle time man-gawking in some circles, the talent of the whole Fiennes clan never ceases to strike awe.

Then there's Mrs. Parker, aka The Goddess of Alabaster, Nicole Kidman. This lady is one helluva talent. The story is not easy and the needs of the script hard. Yet even as she chips apart emotionally before your very eyes, the performance reads as true as taxes and as visceral as a meadow of fresh air-dried linens.

Hugo Weaving shows as the local sheriff and as always bubbles beneath. Hugo is a huge part of the film's realism; he's a nice guy, thrown into really rough situations with varying levels of delicacy needed to keep the balls-in-the-air. Naturally, he's like a professional juggler.

Enjoy – but do so knowing this is no fluffy summer tickle-your senses movie. Strangerland is high drama that needs time to work in.

Schitt's Creek (2015–2020)

This is One Helluva Funny Show

[10/10 · 6 March 2015]

Emily Blunt over at BluntReview (dot) com says: There's a new show on cable's PopTv, called, Schitt's Creek (yes as in up a, but fear not the cellophane pun). Schitt's Creek is one of the funniest, well-written and cast-d, little slice of hilarity audiences have been served up in a decade; look for it, know it, love it. There are no laugh tracks, no high-tech stunts, no studio audience laughing on cue. Just Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy leading, as a Mr. and Mrs. Rose. Okay, a caveat. Those who adored SCTV or any of the comedic renderings in say,a Christopher Guest-style, will adore; Millennials? Not so much.

Story goes…The uber-wealthy, upper-crusty, snobzilla's known as The Rose Family have been recently de-cashed and stripped bare of the 1%-er lifestyle they so enjoyed.

But as the government seized their all the name-brand stuffs, and babbles, the family was left a small long-forgotten investment found deep in their portfolio.

Seems, they'd bought, as a lark, a now deemed worthless town called Schitt's Creek.

That's it. Wealthy folks go to rural setting sans accouterments de riche…and the hilarity starts from frame one episode one. As agents loot the home, the Rose Family, in shock and awe, grab what they can and head to this Schitt's Creek as they've no place else to go.

That's all you need to know. Well, that and Catherine O'Hara (a freakin' comic legend) will make you have after-laughter at often inappropriate times. And, perhaps, that the Levy gene carries with it a funny streak; Eugene's son and daughter shine in the cast (Daniel and Sarah). Daniel, as David Rose, plays the too-hip-for-you-or-your-family with some of the best quips; though, every character gets great zingers - listen closely for best laughs-per-episode volume.

Oh, and as a general "The more you know," avoid eating or drinking when Chris Elliot steals scenes with his "wife" Jennifer Robertson, you could choke; Fondue? Never again. Ever. Just saying. And, the Rose family daughter played by Annie Murphy is spot on; she done do dumb debutante delightfully.

Granted, you need to watch from the start to know what's going on; still wickedly funny on own...but, in a makes-more sense way. The station site has episodes up. Then once you're in sync, seriously, go to the PopTv.com website and enjoy the extra "tours" of some areas in Schitt's.

Hilarious, just hilarious. Enjoy.

Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia (2012) Season 2, Episode 1

Series Two Rocks Too

[10/10 · 25 May 2012]

BluntReview says:Brains are indeed the new sexy…and Sherlock Series Two delivers multiple, err, pleasures…In fact it's a trifecta for the brain endorphin-wise. You get a heaping helping of raw sexy, mystery and intrigue complete with scary bits, and the finale serves up a gut-wrenching thrill. And Sherlock Series Two's three new films dare to step forward into the Doyle Classics; Scandal in Bohemia, Hound of the Baskervilles and Reichenbach Falls.

Oh, yes, they went there, and the reworks work. Hell, they've even neatly managed to work in the infamous deerstalker! It's hard to top the phenom the whole production crew brought us in the first myth-shifting series. I mean they had to approach concisely the bromance, the modernization and of course nod to all us Holmesians – with our self-righteous eyes looking for any flaw; complete with the "Why I oughttas" awaiting. But, worldwide we were quietly awed then thunderously applauding.

We are brought back in with, 'A Scandal in Belgravia.' Of course the title is obvious. And the "plot" is about royalty and scandalous pictures. Normally a yawn, ah, but not here there Johnny. Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Watson (Martin Freeman) run around in glorious subplot land as the real focus is on one woman - The Woman - Irene Adler (Lara Pulver). All the series of films thus far has attempted to knock you upside the head with how not gay Watson is, but, have left Sherlock up to one's imagination. Is this man an Elder Virgin or perhaps… But as we shall all discover all the lad needed was an equally brilliant brain-force and some good old-fashioned gorgeous-to-boot looks thrown in and he too can be befuddled by the opposite sex. Purr. Snap. (<- if you know what I'm typing here...and I think that you do) The acting in these sexually-fueled frames is particularly brilliant from the trio; S, J and I. Watch the eys and tells.

Next up is The Hounds of Baskerville. Now how on Earth are they going to manage this work you may harrumph aloud as the film starts. Fear not, they have and quite (as we are coming to expect) brilliantly. Clever is too mundane a word. Brilliant too used. Let's just go ahead and say it. But, here, the word is neither over used or quaint. The film is genius.

Oh there's something going on out there on the moors alright Joe, and you'll have eyes fixed upon the television wondering just what this hound thing is anyway! There are some clues: Baskerville is now a military testing area, and strange people do strange things, the townsfolk don't mind having a dog beast for fiscal intake purposes, and one young man has a long history with the hound….which would have to be either on a third generation, or twenty odd years old and still running about tearing poor moor wanderers apart like an old chewie toy. And, thankfully, there's plenty of foggy atmospheric additions to help your psyche go along for the hunt.

Finally they've attempted, and succeeded, in The Reichenbach Fall re-imagining. This film is so completely thrilling, I forewarn you not to eat prior to viewing or your tummy is sure to burp and bother at you in protest through out.

Moriaty (Andrew Scott) is back and he's even more twisted and riddled up in a conundrum then when we first met him temper-tantruming about at the pool. Moriaty is the Yin to Sherlock's Yang. He almost steals the show – both actor and character. Seething evil and diction the actor is given some of the smarter bits ever caught by a lens. This Scott fellow can act. Yes he can.

The premise, or plot, starts to shape up to be about how once an idea is planted in one's mind there's no uprooting. Kind of like you can not un-hear something. That's really all I can say without slipping the game up.

Be aware R Falls' end is sure to leave you utterly breathless and perhaps stunned with a tear or two rolling down your face….I'm just saying. I can say no more.

Except to say, the characters you've immediately come to know and enjoy are all back and in the crispest of form from Series One; Mycroft (Mark Gatiss), Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs), suffering Molly (Loo Brealey) and Lestrade (Rupert Graves).

DVD kit bonuses include a short on behind the scenes where cast and crew share the warmth of reception and show you how they shot a few really swell scenes and audio commentary.

Once again I bow to all in and around the production for a tremendously entertaining few evenings.

Snack recommendations: Pack of cigarettes for Scandal - or a few nicotine patches...frankly, what ever you enjoy post coitus;)

Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall (2012) Season 2, Episode 3

Series Two Set Rocks

[10/10 · 25 May 2012]

BluntReview says: Brains are indeed the new sexy…and Sherlock Series Two delivers multiple, err, pleasures…In fact it's a trifecta for the brain endorphin-wise. You get a heaping helping of raw sexy, mystery and intrigue complete with scary bits, and the finale serves up a gut-wrenching thrill. And Sherlock Series Two's three new films dare to step forward into the Doyle Classics; Scandal in Bohemia, Hound of the Baskervilles and Reichenbach Falls.

Oh, yes, they went there, and the reworks work. Hell, they've even neatly managed to work in the infamous deerstalker! It's hard to top the phenom the whole production crew brought us in the first myth-shifting series. I mean they had to approach concisely the bromance, the modernization and of course nod to all us Holmesians – with our self-righteous eyes looking for any flaw; complete with the "Why I oughttas" awaiting. But, worldwide we were quietly awed then thunderously applauding.

We are brought back in with, 'A Scandal in Belgravia.' Of course the title is obvious. And the "plot" is about royalty and scandalous pictures. Normally a yawn, ah, but not here there Johnny. Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Watson (Martin Freeman) run around in glorious subplot land as the real focus is on one woman - The Woman - Irene Adler (Lara Pulver). All the series of films thus far has attempted to knock you upside the head with how not gay Watson is, but, have left Sherlock up to one's imagination. Is this man an Elder Virgin or perhaps… But as we shall all discover all the lad needed was an equally brilliant brain-force and some good old-fashioned gorgeous-to-boot looks thrown in and he too can be befuddled by the opposite sex. Purr. Snap. (<- if you know what I'm typing here...and I think that you do) The acting in these sexually-fueled frames is particularly brilliant from the trio; S, J and I. Watch the eys and tells.

Next up is The Hounds of Baskerville. Now how on Earth are they going to manage this work you may harrumph aloud as the film starts. Fear not, they have and quite (as we are coming to expect) brilliantly. Clever is too mundane a word. Brilliant too used. Let's just go ahead and say it. But, here, the word is neither over used or quaint. The film is genius.

Oh there's something going on out there on the moors alright Joe, and you'll have eyes fixed upon the television wondering just what this hound thing is anyway! There are some clues: Baskerville is now a military testing area, and strange people do strange things, the townsfolk don't mind having a dog beast for fiscal intake purposes, and one young man has a long history with the hound….which would have to be either on a third generation, or twenty odd years old and still running about tearing poor moor wanderers apart like an old chewie toy. And, thankfully, there's plenty of foggy atmospheric additions to help your psyche go along for the hunt.

Finally they've attempted, and succeeded, in The Reichenbach Fall re-imagining. This film is so completely thrilling, I forewarn you not to eat prior to viewing or your tummy is sure to burp and bother at you in protest through out.

Moriaty (Andrew Scott) is back and he's even more twisted and riddled up in a conundrum then when we first met him temper-tantruming about at the pool. Moriaty is the Yin to Sherlock's Yang. He almost steals the show – both actor and character. Seething evil and diction the actor is given some of the smarter bits ever caught by a lens. This Scott fellow can act. Yes he can.

The premise, or plot, starts to shape up to be about how once an idea is planted in one's mind there's no uprooting. Kind of like you can not un-hear something. That's really all I can say without slipping the game up.

Be aware R Falls' end is sure to leave you utterly breathless and perhaps stunned with a tear or two rolling down your face….I'm just saying. I can say no more.

Except to say, the characters you've immediately come to know and enjoy are all back and in the crispest of form from Series One; Mycroft (Mark Gatiss), Mrs. Hudson (Una Stubbs), suffering Molly (Loo Brealey) and Lestrade (Rupert Graves).

DVD kit bonuses include a short on behind the scenes where cast and crew share the warmth of reception and show you how they shot a few really swell scenes and audio commentary.

Once again I bow to all in and around the production for a tremendously entertaining few evenings.

Snack recommendations: Pack of cigarettes for Scandal - or a few nicotine patches...frankly, what ever you enjoy post coitus;)

The Fields (2011)

This quiet film is gonna scare the bejeesus out of you

[10/10 · 24 October 2011]

The Fields is a perfect thrill-filled horror flick. There's no gore, no screaming soundtrack, and no naked coeds flashing big new implants at you in 3D – so if you're under say 30, you may not appreciate the style. I, personally, feel this was the scariest film I have seen since the original Chainsaw Massacre ruined countless nights of sleep all those years ago.

Corn fields – the fields they reference here – are some how creepy; always have been. Add to that filming when the corn is gone, and the six foot carcasses of stalk line up to create their own Halloween-worthy forest scape…one's imagination can roam into a frenzied Fearland at the mere thought of a crow taking flight.

That being said, the story goes…It's 1973, and young Steven's (Joshua Ormond) parents are having a few problems. His overseers are too busy suspecting and accusing to allow focus to fall on the youngin'. So, off to grandma's house he goes.

His father's parents' place. This quirky duo is a long-married tough sonovabitch sort. Gladys (Cloris Leachman) is eccentric and delightfully foul-mouthed, in that way many of us recall our own grand parents using the forbidden words as colorful adjectives. Hiney (Bev Appleton) is the sweet grandfather – he still has his post-deviling sparkle twinkling in those old eyes of his though.

Their humble farm rests against a corn field; the kind that, while off-putting, beckons for perusal. Naturally little Steven is drawn in like any horror tale's main character…especially when he is told he better not go in there or he'll end up, as his loving grandma likes to point out, black and bloated and dead.

Faster than you can say, "Godzilla has attacked Toyk…" the lad sneaks within.

At this point of the film, you are petrified. All they've done is play some mood-altering music, showed a dysfunctional family's secrets, and reminded you about the Manson trial presently in their headlines.

But, you are there with Steven. He's a curious, smart kid. Still he is a child. He sincerely ponders that this Manson chap could be out and about, taking their exit to get some fresh veggies and whatnots. Sure, Steven is in Pennsylvania, and Manson is behind bars in California - but Steven heard the phrase parole on the radio and that's enough to ignite his nightmares.

Manson aside, something's up, and Steven is tuned in to it. And you're watching all this from his perspective.

The Fields is brilliant. Screenwriter B. Harrison Smith wove a fine freckled fearfest here. Each of the characters is deeply built. Here, you won't find yourself yelling at the kuckudoo-for-brains characters for their stupid reactions; they are scared too - and they listen. You get the feeling the film makers crossed their T's and made sure people in this film were on the ball. From editing, location, clothes, set design – they didn't hand you an, "Oh come on!" moment once.

You genuinely winced and begged Steve to get the hell outta there, and when he visits his "odd" aunt, you skeeve through the whole section of frames. That's the secret of The Fields' success; continued simple empathetic manipulations of the celluloid canvas before you.

Joshua Ormond (Steven) is simply delightful. His face tells the story, and his ability to share fear is incredible; a lot was on this young actor's shoulders and he pulled off an Atlas-style showing. His parents Tara Reid and Faust Checho are spot on as young adults in a strained marriage. Johnson as Hiney is fabulous. And, let's be frank...I don't adore too many actor folks; one of my personal chickbabe idols, Cloris Leachman is one holding the Royal Flush at this high-stakes table of career-making hands. Leachman wields her "Gladys" like she's channeling some lower-middle-class grandma's skeleton-filled closet's soul. And, many of her lines make you bellow aloud towards the screen. Yet, her fear and care for the child are clear as a mosquito tableau in the finest Soviet amber.

Get this. See this. From The Fields' first atmospheric frame you can just tell this quiet film is gonna scare the bejeesus out of you.The people behind the film have grand futures. And, Joshua Ormond will be walking some red shaded carpets soon; let's hope he has a good support system to avoid his own E! True Hollywood Story special.

Snack recommendation: Peppermint tea (to sooth the fear-tension-fueled bile building in your stomach), and a pack of Camels.

Film Noir: Bringing Darkness to Light (2006 Video)

Swell look at a debatable genre

[10/10 · 29 January 2007]

Bringing Darkness to Light is one of the most in-depth looks at Film Noir that has been made. The production team dug deep into the vaults for the miles of clip footage. And it is great to see scholars and stars debate what film noir even is. To this day some people refuse to call it a genre. Well, this well-done intelligent documentary lets the art-form speak for itself. The doc is part of B rate films - but still a collection worth the clams if you consider yourself a Noir buff. Besides, the James Ellroy interview is worth all the bucks in-tself. Buy it now and enjoy; Film Noir Vol 3 from Warner Bros. (The Keepers of the Past)

The Maltese Falcon: One Magnificent Bird (2006 Video)

This is a helluva documentary -worth the box set purchase

[10/10 · 13 December 2006]

One Magnificent Bird is found in the Humphrey Bogart Signature Collection Volume 2. The smart folks at Warner Bros. added all three of their versions of The Maltese Falcon and included an in-depth documentary on The John Huston version. The doc is filled with clips and insights, reminding you just how important (and good) the film, and the book it was drawn from really were.

After watching this wonderfully created piece you will never watch the film about the bird in the same way afterviewing this. There's so much you didn't know. This is why we buy DVD sets. The extras and the things included; which just get better and better as time goes by.

The Maltese Falcon is the film that cemented Bogart as the king of smooth. While Casablanca made him an immortal icon. Bravo.

Die Geschichte vom weinenden Kamel (2003)

The Story of the Weeping Camel provides a universal message of how we all need love to survive delicately laced into the tale of a sad little camel

[4 January 2004]

There's a new style of film eking into the film biz called "Narrative Documentary." What? An oxymoron you tutt-tutt silently as you read.Well, yes and no. It describes a documentary that has been embellished with narrative scenes to ultimately create the arc-drama one finds in a feature film with the intelligence of a documentary.

Narrative documentary is truly an appropriate expression for this wonderfully unique and intriguing little gem, The Story of the Weeping Camel.

As you watch the fairly simple tale of a camel that after a grueling birthing of her albino calf, she decides she's not interested in the ideas of motherhood and abandons the newborn to fend for itself.

Sounds positively dull until you start to watch this young mother and the footage the filmmakers gathered and you are pulled in - mesmerized, "How did the film crew get this?" It feels like a documentary, looks like a documentary but then there's the story obviously running along side the remarkable footage that you realize is scripted, storyboarded and a team behind the lens have planned. Amazing.

The Shipping News (2001)

The Shipping News is remarkable, stupendous, brilliant, witty and heart warming.

[23 December 2001]

Headline:The Shipping News sweeps all awards for 2002, the moviegoers cheer, and Spacey and cast snag a round of Oscars.

The Shipping News is about one man discovering himself when he wasn't even looking; when he's all but just given up.

Those familiar with Proulx's visceral scripting of lives -not-so-ordinary-in-reality will be pleasantly coddled as her Shipping News characters are brought to amazing life at the hands of some our time's finest actors; Dame Judi Dench, Julianne Moore, Cate Blanchett and Kevin Spacey. Each is known for disappearing into their roles, and with the combination of Proulx's perfect characters (misfits) the actors seemed engulfed.

Quoyle (Kevin-- clearing a spot for a few award trinkets as we speak- Spacey) is a sad, nearly nonexistent man. He gets no respect from anyone he holds near and dear. He's a guy you pass on the street and may remark at, if only to notice how sad he appears. His life is nothing spectacular. His story? His story is another kettle of boiling water all together…

His life takes a few dramatic turns as we meet him. His gallivanting wife Petal (Cate Blanchett) has absconded with their young daughter Bunny and his parents have done something equally dramatic. The events find him thrown together with his tough-as-nails Newfoundland born aunt Agnis Hamm (Dame Judi Dench). With his run of luck at the deeper end of long over, she invites him to try a fresh start, up there.

He's got nothing to lose so follows her up to his family's historic birthplace. A barren rock his people called home, only forty odd years ago, called Killick-Claw. Think, middle of nowhere with fantastic cliff and ocean views and the restaurant is the only restaurant. Small, quaint and a perfect place to hide from your troubles and the world.

He and his precocious, and "sensitive," daughter Bunny are adjusting and getting to know their new neighbors on the small hamlet, that appears to never see the season of summer.

Quoyle is experiencing a newfound meaning to life (his life especially)in Newfoundland. He is hired as a small-time reporter for the local rag-mag and community pulse serving paper The Gammy Bird. His writing starts to affect all aspects of his mundane life.

He also meets an equally sad and sullen gal named Wavey (Julianne "Best Actress 2002" Moore). She' s a widow who wears her heart on her sleeve and is weary of starting any new romances. Poor Quoyle.

Mysterious happenings and awakenings start to emerge all around Quoyle as well as a new sense of self, friendships and life. What's it mean?

The Shipping News is old time story telling at it's finest. Newfoundland in itself is a bit of a mystical place to most of us. Proulx creates her story's characters so rich in dimension with that same timeless appeal like a Huck Finn or Nicholas Nickleby, one expects to look them up in the local phone book when in town. But it's the subtle expert performances for subtle yet animated characters make this simply a masterpiece. The award shows are going to be quite redundant this year... A Beautiful Mind and its wonderful cast and performances will be The Shipping News' only competition in the BIG 3 categories - for sure.

Spacey (whom I adore to the point of actually being speechless in front of), brings us, perhaps, his finest performance to date in Quoyle (pronounced coil). Kev reveals Quoyle's soul is wounded and yet his heart, even with all the injustices it has faced in its forty-something years that should be bitter and hard, manages to pound sweet, strong and hopeful. It's an unbelievable performance. Not that I'm surprised…This man is a

scrumptious treat for the senses not unlike like fresh fried Ipswich clams drizzled in tarter sauce with a side of old fashioned delectable helping of New England style cole slaw!

Why's Spacey so great? Is it because he hung with Jack Lemmon in his formative years as an actor? Or because (like myself) he adores the complicated gritty works of Eugene O'Neill? Perhaps, because he makes himself aloof to keep his personality out of his films, thusly making himself completely disappear into the film? Um…yeah. Disagree? Get your own review. K-PAX aside, his work always brilliant, intense, or funny, or light…it's what ever he wants it to be. I'd breed with the man, sure, but I'm also sure I will not be alone in my admiration for his performance here. Sorry, Russell, your also grand and one helluva actor, but your "butt" has been elegantly drop kicked by Cadet Fowler for the mad mad race for Oscar…

Judi Dench is, as always, an inspiration on film.

Julianne Moore (Wavey) worked her plane Jane gorgeous self into a yarn of great depth and feeling. We wanted to make her tea and give her a hug by the end of the film.

Cate "I'm in every movie on the marquee this winter" Blanchett is a chameleon- somebody check her body temperature and dining habits! As Quale's rude, nasty, sluty bimbette squared love interest, Petal, she makes you loath her within the first forty-eight frames.

Petal and Quoyle's offspring, little "Bunny", was played by triplets Alyssa, Kaitlyn, and Lauren Gainer. These gals could give Haley Joel Osment a run for his bubblegum money. They played beside veteran thespians like it was their birthright. You can picture the little dolls finished with their scenes sneaking off to be kids again "please pass the play dough, please, I'm done with my scene mum."

Pete "Kobayashi" Postlewaite plays Quoyle's nemesis at the paper with tons of humor and that smoothness of delivery he's so famous for. Love this man.

Welsh and Sheppard's Pie of a manly man, actor Ryhs Ifans ( Little Nicky, Notting Hill) was adorable as Quoyle's new friend B. Beaufield Nutbeem. It was such a pleasure to see him- on so many different levels.

Director, Lasse Hallstrom (My Life as a Dog, Cider House Rules) is famous for quirky studies on the human condition. Here he's strung his cast together like a Newfoundland fisherman's net and draws them so tightly together so as not a syllable of dialog slips away. In lesser hands The Shipping News could have been a sentimental sugar encrusted bakers dozen of stale over done leaden donuts.

There's so many more involved and each deserves accolades for bringing an already warm story to the screen with a remarkable toasty reality that makes you laugh, stir, and wonder… I feel bad for Ron Howard. He finally gets a nod or two and he has to be up against this film.

Snack recommendation: Plain Donuts, fried octopus tentacle sandwiches and tea

Headline: The Shipping News looms over small cinema. Crowds, hearing the buzz, rush to see it opening day! The masses exclaim:" for once a film is better than its hype."

Blunt Aside: Have you noticed the names I've listed; Petal Wavey, Bunny? That's just some of Proulx's magic. She chooses her names in such a way as to metaphorically manipulate your mind without your even knowing it. Even Quoyle has significance. After you see the film (which is mandatory) the names will come gloriously into the light. Trust me.

A Beautiful Mind (2001)

There's no mathematical equation that can produce the number of stars this film deserves; it's infinite.

[13 December 2001]

A Beautiful Mind is as complex as its subject, Nobel Prize winner Dr. John Nash; it's a funny romantic thriller, high in drama. Russell Crowe is mesmerizing (per usual) and disappears into the role as he does each time he graces his screen.

It's a new year at Princeton 1947 and all the young minds of the future are chomping at the bit to be the next Einstein. There we find a fun group of genius' and one smarty pants is even "more" genius than the rest, John Nash (Russell-TOFOG- Crowe). Nash is a bit of an oddball and doesn't mince words with frilly superfluous adjectives. In fact he says precisely what ever his mind calculates as fact without editing. Hence he comes off a tad rude and uncaring and he's no hit with the gals, guys, or common types that wander in and out of his life. He's as socially defunct as he is brilliant.

His Princeton nemesis, Hansen (Josh Lucas), is nearly as "good" as him, and is headed for the position Nash had favored himself. Unless he can come up with something totally new, and hit the world upside the head with his astute theories. He does it is now known (and utilized) as equilibria in the theory of non-cooperative games. There's no layman's terms to that, really, just think games without set rules and you'll be close. With his simple idea, he revolutionized economics,globally, and refutes the long accepted ideas of economic genius Adam Smith. Professional success is his.

Then the government comes to him and asks if he can help them decode some ominous codes they've intercepted. He does. His mind, which is cracker jack fast, is able to crack the code fast as an eggshell cracks- and that's pretty fast- Jack. This attracts a secret agent type, Mr. Parcher (Ed " I played POLLOCK the artist not Pollack the fish!- Harris) who solicits even more secret assistance from the volatile Mr. Nash.

Nash is given top-secret clearance and put to work, finding secret messages the commies have planted in our magazines.

As his governmental extra curriculum begins so does a new phenomenon for the platonic genius. He meets a smart and beautiful gal named Alicia (Jennifer -classic beauty-Connelly) and as quickly as mercury is drawn up with temperature Nash falls head over quantum physics in love.

Meanwhile his government contact, Mr. Parcher, informs him the soviets may be on to him and there may be repercussions for he and his new bride. When Nash is shot at while meeting with Mr. Parcher the mental pressure, which is tremendous, starts to take effect. Nash is breaking down faster than an equation in a room full of mathematicians!

I don't want to give away the story…That's all you get. GO SEE THIS!

It appears director Ron Howard has started a tradition…each year right before the holidays he brings us an exceptional gift of a wonderful film. Last year's Grinch, and this year he tops that tenfold with this sensation, A Beautiful Mind. Bravo! His direction takes a sterling cast, and a brilliantly clever script and creates a masterpiece. Scenes are elegantly stitched together like an Armani suit draped upon an Oscar bound actor…

Beautiful Jennifer Connelly lit up the scenes she shared with her star, and not just held her own, but also stole a bit of Crowe's glow. What a talented actor she is. Jennifer is no new comer though folks! Her stunningly realistic portrayal of a junkie in Requiem For A Dream got her a coveted nomination for the prestigious Spirit Award. She was also in the hit sleeper Pollock.. Speaking of Pollock, its star and director Ed Harris plays his shady government agent Mr. Parcher, with the slither he's so famous for; smooth as a properly crusted Crème Brule.

Paul Bettany ( who basically carried any frame of savable celluloid from that god-awful A Knight's Tale fiasco last summer on his broad lanky shoulders) is wonderful as Nash's best friend, roommate and confidant Charles Herman. I've loved this guy the first time I had the pleasure of seeing him perform. Though we know him here for his continuing comic roles, he's actually Mr. Shakespeare back in the Queen's land.

When you see and hear Russell Crowe (see n.male adj.manly v.to drool in the dictionary) as Nash complete with a quirky West Virginia accent, an odd over-bite and a goofydoodle haircut, you'll almost forgets this manly actor sexed up the screen as a macho hard bodied pheromone projecting studmuffin in Gladiator- almost. Those familiar with Crowe's works know he loves a role that gives him a challenge. It seems to be a kind of Rugby match 'tween the screen with him. Whether he's adding pounds and years to fight evil cigarette companies (The Insider) or leading clueless neo-Nazis to battle against erroneous enemies (Romper Stomper), he devours a role and spits out perfection. He's more than a beautiful body, he's a brilliant mind. I've told Santa I'm not a greedy little girl all I want for Christmas this year is a little Crowe. A 195 pound one named Russell! Gosh is this man gorgeous! I'd like to dip his entire naked being in strawberry whip cream and …well, er, um…sorry.

A Beautiful Mind is by far the best thing I've seen in a year. The Shipping News, with mega-talented cuteyufalagus Kevin Spacey opens in a couple weeks as well as Ali with chocolate sensation Wil Smith, and of course Mr. Ego (Tom Cruise) opens with Vanilla Sky, but for now, the Best Actor Oscar at the 74th annual Academy Awards may as well be cast with Crowe's name in it - it's his!

Snack Recommendation: Slow roasted Kiwi Crowe dipped in Strawberry flavored whip cream ...

L.I.E. (2001)

This is one of the most disturbing, brilliant, mesmerizing films I have seen in perhaps, a decade.

[5 September 2001]

This is one of the most disturbing, brilliant, mesmerizing films I have seen in perhaps, a decade. Too bold? Well, it's week later and I am still running the characters through my head. Shocking, revealing, and the kind of film that you find your hand repeatedly uncontrollably moving itself up to cover your mouth to shadow your dropped jaw over and over again.

L.I.E. is an intense, intelligent film that grabs you from the first frame and holds on till the last credit rolls by. Michael Cuesta who's written (along with Stephen M. Ryder) and directed L.I.E has created an eerie snapshot of a boy's life just as he's coming of age while his life is falling apart around him, yet he still manages to find himself all within the span of about a week.

Howie Blitzer (a stellar performance by Paul Franklin Dano)is fifteen and lives in Long Island near the infamous Expressway. He knows many people hav e lost their lives there, famous, not so famous, most importantly, his mother Sylvia. Howie says at the top of the film "On the Long Island Expressway there are lanes going east, lanes going west, and lanes going straight to hell." That's the film's prelude in a metaphoric tone for what's to come.

After the loss of his mother, Howie is left with his self absorbed, shady father Marty (a man with a DNA drop of Bruce Willis, Bruce Altman ) who's in his own life altering stage at present and is nearly oblivious to Howie's life crisis'.

As most teens do he simply dives into outside friendships to replace the losses...Howie hangs with the tougher boys in his neighborhood. They are that crass and baby faced breed of teens that are dangerous and cuddly as baby rattlers. The "gang" robs houses more for the hell of it then necessity without a thought for their actions.

One of these fellows Gary (Billy Kay) asks Howie to go in on a little side break-in. Howie is semi-smitten in more ways than one with young stud in the making Gary and agrees to go along on the heist.

Gary explains he knows a place where there's a treasure trove of stuff just waiting to be taken, easy as getting cigarettes from a convenient store clerk with your dad's I.D.. The two hit the house, sneaking in through the cellar, as the owners' party is in full swing above their derelict little heads.

When Howie knocks over the fine china vase teetering on the edge of oblivion the two skadattle but not before the homes owner, Big John (Brian Cox) manages to rip a bit of the shirt off a boy...

Big John's pretty upset. He sniffs the snippet of cloth from the shirt and begins the hunt. He heads right to Gary's stomping ground. Gary and he are old "friends" of sorts. When confronted, Gary immediately confesses how the other boy, Howie, set the whole thing up. Big John then goes after Howie. He gets him, and the games begin.

Howie quickly discovers both his friend Gary and Big John have secret lives. Big John, BJ, is a pedophile that has paid Gary for sexual favors for quite some time. Howie is not shocked or even disgusted, surprisingly. He accepts it and, while disturbed about the events doesn't seem shocked. I found it very believable with all his age group knows and sees in "their" worlds today. It's an under society, their society; from guns at school to hard-core drugs, sexual encounters (hopefully with, at least the same age group) and they just live with it while trying to fit in, look cool and make it through puberty.

Howie begins, at first, to toy with the immensely creepy pedophile Big John, and then even have an odd respect for him. He finds a nurturing friend, yech, a father figure in Big John. I know, I know, hard to fathom. I haven't lost my mind, it's the screenwriters who have managed to bewitch me and the whole audience. Big John's a scumpod with a heart of gold...no that's not right is it.

That is what is so amazing about the film. This movie showed the depth of humans and their facades. Big John's a pedophile, and a predator, but even he has his boundaries. Howie and Big John meet when Howie is the most vulnerable. Howie's got no father figure in his life, he's having fantasies about boys, especially this Gary, and he has no idea what the future is expecting of him. People like Big John salivate at these kinds of opportunities, or do they?

It's strong movie with many incredible performances. There will be a big controversy around L.I.E. because of its bluntness, honesty and willingness to show real life. The makers haven't prettied up one frame for the Disney audience. In fact the MPAA has given it a NC-17 rating- though I don't understand why- honestly.

No, this is not a film for everyone. And certainly it will not be one for families to join and view over the Thanksgiving turkey, while grandpa reminisces about the time he experimented...but it is an important film about secret lives, multidimensional lives, and lies.

Brian Cox, the actor who plays the repulsive Big John fellow gave an academy award winning performance. He was at once creepy, and charming, slimy and silly. His intenseness volleying with jovial pats on the back made him a particularly menacing villain. One you could actually like, if you were not so repulsed by what his extra curricular activities were. Brilliant.

Young actor Paul Franklin Dano was amazing in his ability to make us feel his confusion and get under the skin of a teen that has no one to turn to. His character was intelligent and probably closer to what the teens of today are like. They know a hell of a lot and they are not so easily shocked. He's the anti-Haley Joel Osment.

Billy Kay, the boy playing Gary, has an air about him. A strong young actor with the face of a cherub and the stance of a James Dean in the making.

Be warned this movie does contain graphic discussion of gay and pedophiliac nature. There are no sexual acts (thank God).

Snack Recommendation: Nada, your stomach turns too often for food products.

Rock Star (2001)

So you wanna be a rock star? Who doesn't?

[5 September 2001]

So you wanna be a rock star? Who doesn't? Cool clothes, hot babes (or mansteaks depending upon your preference) and world travel. These days one barely needs talent...

The cast within Rocks Star both the musicians and the actors playing musicians just don't have any oomph. It's hard for me not to love Mark Wahlberg, though.

Marky Wahlberg is not only one of the cutest croissants in the bakery of man, but he's a wonderful actor. His soft-spoken, near bookish demeanor and hard crusty bits mix in a large portion of talent perfection cocktail. Sure, I'm smitten, but it's the truth. This is one of his most humorous roles yet.

Jennifer Aniston is still trying to break out of her Friend's mold. She hasn't done it here, unfortunately. Her role, as Chris (Izzy)'s girlfriend could have been played by just about any starlet wondering the lot. Maybe next time she'll get some meat and dumplings to sink her perfectly shaped teeth into? It's hard to get out of the whole must see TV stuff.

Rock Star is a comedy, not a brilliant comedy, that follows the rise of Chris Cole. He's a lead singer for a cover/tribute band, Blood Pollution that drives the locals into frenzy while they emulate a real, famous, rock band Steel Dragon ; like all those tribute bands of the Grateful Dead or the Doors do even now at local dive venues to a screaming B class groupies yellin' over a quazi-karaoke night.

The year is 1985, big hair, tacky clothes and cucumber bulges rule, and so does metal. Chris is very much a part of the scene. He's a semi loser during the day, drives a beat up Dart, and lives at home- 'nough said?

When Christopher's unceremoniously booted from the band he lives for he's thinking life's pretty much a big old bag of rag weed you paid a premium for. That is until his phone rings and fate steps up to his microphone. He's asked to step-in for the Steel Dragon's singer, Bobby Beers (Jason Flemyng), ala the real life switch-a-roo Judas Priest pulled with leather boy, Rob Halford...

Chris has suddenly become the icon people in bands around the world look to be. Neat huh? But he wants more. Snore. Chris, now known as Izzy, does the whole Mick Jagger-Bowie-Poison gig and is livin the generic rock star life of legends...all while as his gal, who was always his strongest supporter, (sniff) Emily (Jennifer " I see Brad Pitt naked -anytime I want" Aniston) is starting to be lost in the fog machine of life.

He's rude, crude, whoring around and into drug food. She's gotta dump the creep. Oh, how quickly people forget who was there when they were beggin' for change to fill up their gas tank...He gets his ego bruised a little to though... hehehe (<-evil cackle)

Rock Star's problem? There's a lack of edge, no real energy of the "time" is present, and few belly laughs await you, dare I say it's a Spinal Tap lite? Granted Rock Star has some great scenes, some decent acting and lots of young hot bucks in tight clothing wriggling about a stage and scantly clad felines for all the audience to enjoy. Remember Mark "the actor" Wahlberg was once an underwear exposing hip-hop artist ricocheting around a stage in his Calvins, grabbing his crotch to sound of screaming girls simultaneously in prayer that his stylin' oversized jeans would plummet to the floor and reveal his winky. While Rock Star's music is other end of the jukebox different, Wahlberg's had the rock star experience and he does a great (I just think it could have been even better) job of bring Chris up to a quazi-believable star. Mark did provide less of a lypsyncing-local-talent-show impersonation and managed to capture an essence of what schmoo turned icon would be reacting like. The movie itself just didn't grab you.

The band Steel Dragons actually boasts real musicians with a bit of a name for themselves; the drummer is the real Jason Bonham (son of Led Zeppelin's John Bonham -second only to Moon in talent), the bassist is Dokken's guitarist Jeff Pilson, and Third Eye Blind's lead singer, Stephan Jenkins plays a rival bands lead singer. So there's tasty treats for the diehard music folks sprinkled in the audience.

Often I thought of Spinal Tap, the quintessential rock star mock and wishes for Nigel (Christopher Guest) to pop up backstage arguing about finger sandwiches and the evils of bread crust...it never happened.

In the end , Rock Star is a big old metaphor for how important it is to be yourself. To find your own voice. Sure Chris/Izzy's made it big, filling the shoes of Steel Dragon's ex-singer. Somebody who already paved the road, so the fans aren't really gushing over Chris at all. That's gonna effect your psyche eventually huh? He's an artist after all...

Rock Star is also a chance for some rock and roll nostalgia. Not just for the fond memory of the ridiculously made-up boys of the eighties, but for those shapely men in their super tight custom leather performing a kind of bare chested ballet to screaming guitars and half hour long drum riffs. If your one of them rush and see this...if not wait for rental.

Snack recommendation: Beer and donuts, while reviewing Boogie Nights just one more time...

Ghost World (2001)

Ghost World is one of those rare films that you find yourself drawn into, but you don't know why.

[26 August 2001]

Ghost World is one of those rare films that you find yourself drawn into, but you don't know why. The cast is certainly part of the reason since it's a character driven piece with Steve Buscemi "The King Of Characters" at the wheel. And the film is based on the underground comic book by Daniel Clowes of the same name ( I have never seen, sorry) has one of those elegant simple stories moving it along.

Ghost World's just about a young odd girl, Enid (Thora Birch) and her prettier close friend, Rebecca (Scarlett Johansson), who have just graduated from high school and though they're not really the hippest cats in the milk crate, they'd tell you otherwise. Their friendship strains as they start to do that "G" word- grow up.

You're hooked from the first three frames.

The girls try to fill their days with a few dissipating attempts at girlish pranks. One particularity cruel prank involves responding to a sad lonely man's ad in the personals section of the LAWeekly. They call Seymour (Steve Buscemi), and fix him up with a date that is never coming. The girls, not really evil, just immature, feel bad and follow him home from his anguishing blind date that never happens...Bizarre, true, but they do it in a nice way.

Enid gets closer to the man and actually starts to befriend the "geek" learning people are not always what they appear to be on the outside. Quite frankly the man was interesting and intelligent, obviously a scripted character, not that I'm bitter...

The audience watches as Rebecca conforms to adult life, by getting an apartment, securing one of those "first" mundane jobs, and steps into the way of oncoming adulthood. Enid fights it, kicking and screaming. She chooses to ignore the paintings all over the wall and clings to the things that we all experience in those few awkward months after high school's over. Her world, however, is not so keen on her decision and is moving forward to the inevitable future with every tick of it's trendy faux fifties diner clock on the wall tock.

Poor Enid.

The greatest thing about Steve Buscemi is not the fact that he refuses to fix his barracuda style teeth, no; it's the way he seems to choose his roles. I can honestly say, I have never been disappointed with a movie he's done. I own nearly every one, even Ed and His Dead Mother- which I find hysterical.... Oh, right, Final Fantasy doesn't count technically, that was just his voice...He probably did that for his kid or something. He's forgiven.

Thora Birch, GW's star, exploded on the scene in American Beauty, though she's been working since she was four. She's a natural actress and one I'm looking forward to seeing in the years to come. Hopefully, she'll keep throwing in these interesting pieces between the rent paying gigs. There's an award in here from someone...

Dave Sheridan who makes a couple of brief appearances as a mullet sporting redneck with that over active red, white, and blue thyroid is so funny I nearly smashed my cranium in the seat in front of me.

Illeana Douglas has a small role as one of those free spirtited art teachers everyone's met at one point. She's a brilliant actress who continually turns in strong, memorable performances. She's almost a female Buscemi, not looks wise, but in the quality of work she's produced and her ease of diversification.

Ghost World really is this simply. You visit with the girls for a while and learns a little about how their lives are heading, nothing more. But it's the solid performances by Thora and Steve and the gaggle of thespians beside them that make you wish there was another couple of hours to enjoy. Odd huh? If you're a film person, not so much a blockbuster junkie, you'll enjoy this. There's not one chase scene and absolutely nothing blows up.

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001)

J&SBSB is a F*&^%in' Hysterical Flick

[25 August 2001]

Cult icon writer/director/actor Kevin Smith is at the end of his infamous (to those who know him) " Jersey Chronicles." He burst onto the indie film scene with the itsy-bitsy budgeted, big splash reaction anticlimax film Clerks. He went on to make a few more day in the life of your average-American- population-is-like-this- lackluster person films that, each involved strong oddly likable average characters doing oddly enjoyable average things. They are a collection of hip quazi-Seinfeldesque films geared towards the 18 to 25 year olds if you will. Smith had the comic book store society, lots-o-pot, alluring yet unobtainable chick babes, and these brilliantly profane verbal ballets by a particularly funny and perverse stoner-dude named Jay (Jason Mewes). Jay's a "bellow the radar" type who always manages to offend or spew words that continually back up the assumption of his general uselessness to society…other than being a supplier of a well-needed bag of blunts (Maryjane-joints-doobies-dimebag) to the locals of course.

With J&SBSB you get the feeling Smith sat at his desk, or commode, and thought "I'm gonna make this final hurrah as out there as possible, throw in every gag I can think of, stay true to my pop culture references and cynicisms and get some big stars, whom I have incriminating pictures of, to rag on themselves, in the funniest ways imaginable..."

He's called in a troughful of these stars in delectable cameos. Including a few household names, like the mega-edible (in a toasted blueberry muffin with full fat butter dripping down the edges way), Ben Affleck and Ivy League looking cutey (aka Boston Choppers), Matt Damon, he's enlisted the actor forever linked to fornication with a pie, Jason Biggs, called on a big Blunt smit- Mr. Will Farrell - who shows up to steal scenes away from his fellow actors, and parlayed that "just -has-to-glance-your -way-and-you-laugh" chocolate delicacy Chris Rock. Smith's also brought back a bevy of characters "his" past audience will cheer for as they prance across the frames too like; charming Jason Lee and annoying voiced Joey Lauren Adams, and the original "pot" comic George Carlin in a brief but funny appearance.

Story goes Hollywood is making a movie about Bluntman & Chronic, a comic book based on New Jerseyians Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob's (Kevin Smith) life as stoners turned action heroes. Jay and Silent Bob had no idea. Not to mention, what about a "little dough to parade one's life? That's not what really upsets them though. They're all worked up into a revengeful tizzy because the Internet buzz that developed around the soon-to-be-made movie is all about what losers the real Jay and Silent Bob are. They're being called names, and that is just unacceptable dude! And as boys will be boys the answer is simple to Jay; they've got to stop the film from being made, that's the only way to end the gossip and save their sterling reputations. Simple enough...so the cashless, clueless palookas hit the road, off to California to battle the studio.

Thumbing across the states, their road trip is the body of the film. Jay and Silent Bob encounter all sorts of wacky people, and some that border on hallucinogenic. They burn a few blunts with Scooby Doo and the gang. Meet up with a gang of gals ala an "every guy's fantasy sequence" who turn out to be less then what the boys had expected. This gets the boys involved with the law, a secret organization, and ads an Orangutan to their posse. Which sets the law on their trail, well, a dimwitted wildlife ranger (Will Farrell) a few plays on some famous films like the original Planet of the Apes, The Fugitive, Star Wars- including a bit part by Luke Skywalker himself, and bingo you've got the plot and about 5000 laughs a minute.

Being versed in Smith's past works and in on the joke here, I say J&SBSB is a f*&^%in' hysterical flick! Smith's managed to spoof himself and Hollywood in so many ways, you may have to see it twice to truly enjoy and savor every oozing juvenile word. Sure, some people are going to be offended…There's already hoopla boiling around the opening from GLAAD about the bombardment of gay jokes that run through out the film. Jay and Silent Bob, have always been an ambiguously gay duo no? And it is done in a "what an idiot these guys are" way. To me, Smith seems to be making fun of people that homophobic, and ignorant, more than glorifying them.

Smith can handle the latest wave of large wave mayhem surfing, he's probably sitting back and drinking in that cool refreshing controversy tea his so famous for. Controversy you say? You may recall his last film noir Dogma the religious spoof received a verbal lashing from the Catholic Church folks. He was labeled a heathen working for Lucifer or some such nonsense. Did they see the movie was a thought that sprang into this God-fearing reviewer's mind instantly...Dogma wasn't that great and certainly wasn't going to start springing up cults of anti-Catholics across the continental divide. Though Smith will have to 'splain himself to the almighty later for the Alana Morrissey casting…

J&SBSB is not an academy award-winning venture; don't think Smith intended it to be. The film work looks like a high school student's dad gave him a movie making kit for graduation. But, it's still very funny. Yes, those familiar with Smith's prior works are the targeted audience and will laugh harder since he's made a celluloid stew of in-the-know references, certainly that was his intention.

J&SBSB is juvenile, and be warned, often crude. It would be a big mistake to take your youngins'. And, I triple double warn you if you're a PBS subscribing suburbanite who's only joy in life is getting in the shortest teller line at your bank's branch or the New York Times Crossword puzzle gets you sexually stimulated- you should skip this. The rest of you be there opening night.

Snack Recommendation: Mooby's Brand Breakfast Sandwiches

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Those nostalgic for the original take heart- there's still only one Cornelious

[25 August 2001]

Show of hands...how many of you were secretly ecstatic over the thought of A. Marky Mark, er, Mark Wahlberg (excuse me) all muddied up running around a Tim Burton set and B. that they were even remaking this accidental classic, which easily is near the top of America's Cheesiest Films Of All Times list (right below Blackula, Killer Tomatoes and Jon Waters' purposely cheesy farces of course).

For those too young to remember, Planet of the Apes first appeared in 1968. It was a sensation with audiences and panned by critics. The costumes were state-of-the-art for the times and the sets were as other worldly as they could portray in a sixties Star Trek quazi-realism way.

Those who enjoyed the first version(s) even passed up the concession stand goodies for fear of losing that comfy close-up seat. The suspense of what the apes would look with all the modern gizmos the FX folks have at their disposal nowadays was almost unbearable. Like with The Grinch's recent successful transformation into 21st century-gadget- hoopla- infused- bing- bam box-office magic, TPOA does not disappoint on that level.

As for the the rest of the film? Well, the plot is as deep as Green Eggs and Ham and the "human" cast is about as exciting as an instructional video on an anal polyp removal from the lower bowel of a brown field mouse, yet still, mad-director Tim Burton left just enough camp to keep it, surprisingly, enjoyable.

The story goes...Astronaut; Leo Davidson (Mark "softly spoken" Wahlberg) is aboard a space station USS Oberon, training primates to play Astronaut. One starry night he is told to send one of these Chimps out to research a menacing energy field approaching fast on their starboard side.

The "canary in the coal mine" never returns...So, Leo, bored with his mundane duties anyhow, jumps into a delta pod to rescue the fellow, and, surprise, gets transported through time to a place ruled by...

He crash lands safely in an eerie swamp. But, before he can shake his banana dry, he is over run by a group of fear-for-their-lives types ricocheting through the forest being pursued by dressed, orating, violent apes. Leo is trapped, along with these ratty anorexic -Mad Max looking- extras each with a perpetual glaze over their faces like deer locked on headlights (or Nick Cage in an emotional scene), and sent to market. The market is run by Limbo (brilliant Paul Giamatti) a sleazy Orang creep.

Leo and a boopsie faced tribe gal, Deana (Estella " be careful of bimbo typecasting dear" Warren), meet in one of Limbo's human slave holding cells. She's smitten, but he's focused on his personal inner dialog, his sequel, "Exit El Quicko from the Planet Of The Apes."

They end up working together and gather a few others including, human rights activist girly ape Ari (Helena Bonham Carter). They all escape the city and head to "rendezvous" with Leo's space colleagues who have been sending out a signal to him via his space age transmitter he rescued from his sunken space pod. The humans hope Leo is their savior fallen from the sky to save them from the mini-Kongs that suppress them. Leo hopes his friends are waiting for him, just over the mountain range…

The fleeing party faces some pretty mean mother-apers en route to Shangri-La! One ape in particular, General Thad, (Tim Roth) hates humans in a Hitler- southern plantation owner-circa 1800 way. He wants the filthy creatures (humans) completely annihilated and is schmoozing with the ape senate to get his wish. Leo is just what the nefarious Thad ordered when praying to their almighty Semos for a sign the humans must all go. With Leo's frightening display of intelligence and back bone, the senate will be scared bananaless into giving Thad the Marshal Law decree he so desires.

Will Leo and his new tribal friends make it to the space command center before Thad's wicked army finds and crushes them? Is Leo the god they have waited for all these years? Could the last fight scene be tackier?

Don't worry, I'm not ruining anything here for you...It's so telegraphed G.W. Bush would know the ending half way through. Okay, maybe right before the credits at least.

The story is a tad blasé. You may find yourself adrift about the screen, looking for something to busy your brain when Mark and crew aren't battling the Apes. Which brings up a kind of humorous point of observation, Wahlberg's "Leo" has like three sentences of dialog in a scene, then smacko, he's immediately in primal combat again; like an odd ballet of film you watch and keep a mental metronome swaying in your head…1-2-3 fight, 1-2-3 fight.

TPOA is really all about the visual treats; like watching intense thespian Tim Roth bounce about like an extra at Ringling Bros. & Barnum Bailey Circus of the Cruel in his cute little money, er, ape suit. Tim Roth's "Thad" was super creepy. Hate oozes from his furry little pores to the point were you feared he may really have gone rabid. Even with all the schtuffamagal Roth had burying his features, the feeling and depth from the actor beneath came through. Or Helena Bonham Carter, all made up in ten pounds of latex, a far cry from the West End beauty she is, for sure. Still a lady, even as an ape.

Then there's MM Wahlberg. His picture is in Compton's Encyclopedia under "example of the Male Homo Sapiens " -In my version anyway… The man's body is, simply, dare I say, perfect. He's a double cream serving of Pistachio Ice cream with a hidden layer of marshmallow fluff. Scrumptious. Leo was a dull character so MM's signature "whisper" delivery worked. I think I need a Boogie Nights fix...

TPOA has quite a few exciting moments. Enough to recommend it. Those nostalgic for the original take heart- there's still only one Cornelious (Roddy McDowall) and this is not a replacement, it's just another look at a pretty wild concept , modernized for the new generation to enjoy.

An aside: Danny Elfman, Timmie Burtonski's favorite music man, is back incahoots producing the film's score. As always, Elfman delivers a catchy, flowing gently ominous orchestration of notes.

Snack recommendation: Banana nut pound cake and Pistachio ice cream.

Clay Pigeons (1998)

A Big Old Helping Of Oddball

[25 August 2001]

Joaquin Phoenix stars in this sleepy story about a handsome serial killer that strolls into a sleepy town as one of its long time residents accidentally heads towards self-destruction. It's an intensely creepy, slower, film with some great actors doing some rich characters.

CP is an indie film with all the little hot buttons, and key phrases movie buffs love to throw around like "character driven," "intriguing cinematography" and an "ensemble cast" that'll make your eyes stare without a need to blink. Just as John Turturro's name always brings to mind a happy, albeit often different movie experience, so does Janeane Garofalo's name bring to mind oddball, albeit, likable flicks. Here's a big old heaping of oddball.

Story goes Clay Bidwell's (Joaquin Phoenix) out shooting bottles with his best buddy when things get a tad bizarre. Their Sunday ends with Clay learning a thing or two about friendships, big mouthed vixens with pure evil in their heart, and his education on the a to z's of planning a perfect cover-up. By sundown, his best friend is dead and Clay may be the prime suspect unless he plays it cool.

He figures things can't get much worse than that afternoon. Never say that, or even thunk it. Now, his best friend's new widow,Amanda (Georgina Cates) decides she done like her this Clay fellow and is none too keen on his running around with another gal...She even makes a sultry attempt at corralling the young buck at the local watering hole and he causes a bit of a scene by declining her feminine offerings via a strong back hand across her lily white face. She storms out and he's thinkin' the night's sinking into the pig slop when a tall cowboy with a silly grin and a knack for charm asks him to share his pool table.

His new pool hall friend's a looker named Lester Long ( Vince-cowboy clothes do this man good girls- Vaughn) share some common interests like most of the boys; backlake fishin, chick killin, and long neck beers. Poor Clay all he wants is his life back, but Lester's hell bent on havin' some serial killer fun with the locals.

Lester's works are not unnoticed by the FBI and there closing in. Agent Shelby (Janeane Garofalo), who's followed the killing to Clay's hometown, has noticed a particular pattern the man has with his smokes that ultimately will prove to be his undoing...Maybe.

The performances are simply wonderful. Joaquin is complete perfection as always. Love this guy. Janeane Garofalo is about five foot tall, and every inch is filled with natural talent. Then there's Mr. Vaughn. MMM, is that one man God's made right. I'm going to have to use the "p" word - patience- whilst I wait for this to come to dvd! Oh, yeah there's a scene between Vincent and Georgina Cates that'll have your eyebrow straight up and erect with attention. Trust me. Excuse me I have to take another ice shower...Okay, primal desires aside this fellow's got talent. He's super eerie and exact as Lester the twinkling manic. Can't wait to see how his career shapes up.

Get out and see this. It's going to be harder to find, but it'll be worth it. I've picked up the soundtrack as well, it's great for a long drive down a dark country road...

Snack Recommendation: Johnny Walker Black and Cherry Pie

Captain Corelli's Mandolin (2001)

Could have been 4 stars!

[18 August 2001]

i Nicholas Cage è un uomo bello! Shame on Captain Corelli's Mandolin for taking away a four star rating from itself! What am I talking about? Well, CCM is one of the most romantic wartime films since English Patient, but, unlike the English Patient with its dramatic heart wrenching- mind-altering ending, Corelli goes past possible perfection and heads into "enough already" territory. A film afraid to let down any part of an audience (here the Hollywood ending portion of you), often alienates the audience that would have embraced it; this is Captain Corelli's Mandolin.

It's a terrible shame, because Nicholas Cage was excellent- once you got over his accent and desperately stopped imagining his other less, shall we say, moviestar roles that sit in your memory caves making you smirk with each uttered "bello bambino" he presents from his adorable lips. Face it no one takes him serious and Captain Corelli could have changed that...

The sexy sleepy eyed mankabab can act. Imagine that! But his filmmakers ruined his glory by foregoing a dialect coach, and leaving a rancid taste of week old mozzarella by way of the unnecessary, ongoing ending which muddied up the awe and left the audience bitter, once again. Think Artificial Intelligence, positively brilliant till Spielberg had to ad that last 30 minutes...

Capt. Corelli takes place on picture postcard beautiful (thanks to cinematographer John Toll) Cephalonia (Kefallonia), Greece right as the Greeks have had a small victory in WW2 over in Albania. Hitler doesn't take to well to this small defeat and orders the allied Italians to "move in" on the Greeks. It's war stuff I won't bore you.

On this small, but strategically placed island we meet a beautiful (I, personally, think she looks like a chicken) girl Pelagia (Penelope " I don't even have to change my last name if we marry momma" Cruz) and her father, the island doctor (a brilliant John Hurt). Pelagia has agreed to marry her studly Greek boyfriend, MANdras (studly Christian Bale) when he returns from the war.

They are young and in love, or is it just lust? He's off and she is left alone to worry and wonder as to his faith because Mr. Sensitive, Mandras, never so much as etches his "X" into a letter and she fears he is gone forever.

Meanwhile her father, in dire need of medical supplies, agrees to house a captain from the Italian army that's been sent by the allies to secure Cephalonia. More war stuff…The captain, named Antonio Corelli (Nick - remember to call Emily Blunt-Cage) is a life-loving, free spirit caught up in a war with his childhood friends not hell-bent on killing anyone, as, I imagine many young men are in a war. Capt Corelli will only shoot you if your opera preference is Verdi, then he has no mercy, and will not be held responsible for his troop's reaction. It's a little joke, as his men are all singers or musicians and part of an opera club back home. He and his bellowing Italians almost make war look fun.

Pelagia and Capt. Corelli get off to a bad start. She thinks he's an ass for being so happy while war is all around them. He thinks she's adorable when she yells. So you know love is sneaking in through the goat's cheese poop of circumstances surrounding them. Naturally Mandras, her betrothed love, returns just as her heart and head is filled will wild Rhesus monkey sex thoughts of the charming Capt. and herself alone on one the many romantic island beaches partaking in some mixing of two ancient cultures under the Grecian moon.

But, before the two men can battle each other the war takes a turn and Hitler is no longer cozy with the Italians. He's sending other Italian squads north to concentration camps and Capt. Corelli must make a decision involving trust and his future.

As they say in Italian as the last drop of Chianti Classico Castello di Volpaia is sipped from the roman goblet, "il partito è sopra"

Sure, I'm biased about Cage- I adore this fellow. Admittedly, I'd like to wrap his tilapia in tzatziki and slowly undress him like the fine-layered moussaka he is. I also think he's become easy pickin's for the meaner-spirited press. Yes, he's the chairman of the board at the Nicholas Cage School of Acting where the motto is: "one expression equals all expressions," but he really did a good job in Corelli and it will go unnoticed and ridiculed. He's no Benicio del Toro or Gary Oldman in the impeccable dialect/accent department. It seemed Nicky's education on Italian accent pronunciation probably involved simply popping in couple of Coppola's scenes involving a Godfather movie or two, while he slurped down an espresso. Next time he'll invest a little time. But still, he was, as always, enjoyable to watch and a helluva lot better than expected!

Christian Bale looked his usual dangerous sexy self. I think I need a fix of American Psycho. He's a talented fellow who commands his screen.

John Hurt, what can I say that hasn't been said in his long career? He's an ever-morphing actor who, no doubt, hires a dialect coach when on call for a "foreign" role. Ahem.

Penelope Cruz didn't suck. I admit I don't understand the Hollywood hubbub around her. I think she resembles Ringo Starr in drag quite frankly but, I'm not a clam diggin' gal or a red-blooded man so, I'll leave it at that. She tries to be all pouty a little too much here or her performance would have been much better. I have liked a couple of her works so I'll spare her the verbal ballet.

Snack Recommendation: Ouzo and Chianti, served with Porcini Pasta, Pancini Risotto, Patissada di Polenta, dolmades, for dessert, La Nociata and Baklava (walnut kind!)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Penélope Cruz, John Hurt Christian Bale, David Morrissey, and Irene Papas

Directed by: John Madden

America's Sweethearts (2001)

Oi! Dis Wasn't Waddi Ordered

[27 July 2001]

I have to begin with a preamble here folks. The cast, John Cusack, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, reads like a director's dream list. I love John Cusack. I have since the teenage years. He's super swell on the retina and simply charming. Catherine Zeta Jones is a very talented and beautiful actor. She's proven herself in more than a few good roles, and stood-up to the less-than-flattering press for her personal choice in spawning partners. Julia Roberts has that certain light within her that could keep a small fishing village lit through a storm of many days…. BUT, I still hated this colossal erroneously cast hack-fest-extravaganza.

It's not that any actor involved was bad. Contrary, they were consummate professionals uttering the doggie doo-doo script they were given as best they could. It's not that the film was telegraphically predictable, which it was, that made it so unbearable. It was just its relentless corniness and goofy music piping in all around in Dolbly accenting the kucka that made one squirm with each frame. Don't get me wrong it's a comedy, you don't look for Schindler's List depth - if you know what I mean. Even park- your-brain- at- the- concession- stand comedies are bearable, enjoyable even charming--when they work. You're there to laugh, giggle, dare I say have a few Guffaws! Not here. American Sweethearts has no such comedic charm, and left the laughter for part two I guess.

Poor Bill Crystal reduced himself (as he co-wrote this) to spewing Yiddish jargon for laughs. And you always know you're in trouble comically when they bring out the testicle jokes (Farrelly Bros. Films being the solitary exception to the God-deemed rule).

The veneer they call a story revolves around America's movie sweethearts, Eddie (John "still talented-even if I sometimes pick Stilton cheesy scripts" Cusack) and Gwen (Catherine "I just had to get out of the house…that baby cries all the time" Zeta Jones).

They are actors responsible for Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks-esque fluffy romantic fare the public can't get enough of. They are also, married off screen, though not happily. Their marriage is on the rocks; big old New England coastal rocks. Gwen had an affair, which lead to a separation, which lead to Eddie's breakdown. She's living with a Spaniard named Hector (Hank Azaria). And the token Spanish jokes are flying.

Gwen and Eddie are still the world's most romantic couple-in the public's eyes. Though, the reality is quite different. Eddie's distraught, a year and a half later, over the celestial break-up and is knee deep in herbal healing tonics and found repeating silly daily inspirations stashed away in a Hollywood style "wellness center", while Gwen enjoys long hot days fiddling with her new man kebab while sipping on fame's cool elixir. Her last two movies failed and she's getting nervous about her star's shine though.

The two have a "last" movie in post-preduction, Time Over Time, that could resurrect her career, and after all, promotion of the film regardless of their personal dysfunctional differences, must go on.

So the sneaky manipulative studio head (Stanley "way too good to slum like this" Tucci) gets Lee (Billy Crystal) a sneaky manipulative PR guy from the studio to get them together for a studio saving press junket in the middle of nowhere. The couple will have to be seen together, pose together, and play nice for the nice press people. Lee begs Gwen's assistant, sister in chains, and all 'round do-girl Kiki (Julia " Top Of The World Ma" Roberts) to get the high maintenance Gwen to the Hyatt hideaway in the desert.

Lee pays off Eddie's wellness guru (Alan Arkin) to convince Eddie he's among the sane again, and off they all go for a fun filled lithium free weekend of promoting, doting, and gloating. Oh, the hilarity! Not. But there's more in the comedy slop, er, stew. Seems their coveted "last" film, Time Over Time, Is being held captive by its brilliant borderline commitable avante garde director (Christopher Walken- walking through the role).

Now what are they going to do? If the press finds out there's no film…or that Eddie and Gwen are heading to divorce court…. or that there's a funny movie in the other theater they're outta there! No press is worst than bad press? Never heard that one...

The casting is all off too. Taking the Hollywood's "IT" gals and hodge-podging them together does not an instant success make...It was hard to believe Catherine and John as a couple. She is so much more mature. Not old! Mature. He still has that punk edge. He was wearing black leather pants for criminey sakes, while Zeta-Jones is elegant in a Bonwit Teller sheik way. And Julia...They stuck a quazi-fat suit on her for a couple of scenes

but left her sterling personality in tact. So it was hard to buy the overlooked- never- had- a -man -sister routine. Fat folks get loved too. Please.

Hector's (Azaria) campy exaggerated Spanish accent was very funny for a a few scenes. But, like the rest of the cookie-cutter characters these mega-talents impeccably portrayed, he too became a heaping helping of dullburger helper in a very short while.

John Cusack is his adorable, edible self. A tall slice of man I wouldn't mind sautéing a while on a long summer's eve. He is a talented fellow, who should return to something dark, or brainy. Remember Being John Malkovitcabbage? Brilliance.

I love the people in this movie. I tried to find something. I forced a few laughs, for nostalgia's sake. I recommend you rent another movie by each cast member and forgo this farce. Maybe rent it later on, if Gross Point Blank, High Fidelity, Notting Hill, Analyze This, Traffic, The Impostors, Big Night or Celebrity are all out at the Blockwood Video.

Snack Recommendation: Runny scrambled eggs

Starring: Julia Roberts, John Cusack, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Billy Crystal, Christopher Walken, Stanley Tucci, Seth Green, Alan Arkin.

Directed by: Joe Roth

Bully (2001)

Kids These Days...

[27 July 2001]

It has been incredible watching young mansteak in waiting Nick Stahl grow into legal fixin's. He's maturing rapidly and growing into his deep smoky eyes quite nicely. He's the main cat, Bobby Kent, in Bully. A mean, creepy over bearing friend who pushes his underling friend, Marty ( Brad Freno) too far. So far in fact, that instead of simply avoiding Bobby or ceasing to "hang out with him" Marty and his white trash posse decide the best thing for all involved, perhaps the world, is to kill him.

The saddest part of Bully, and the thing that keeps you from leaving the over Indie- Indie 40 minutes into the thing, is the fact that this is a true story. Based on a group of Florida teens, suburban misfits from semi-normal families, (an oxymoron) who in 1993 actually plotted and schemed to execute their friend because he was a big bad neighborhood bully.

Granted Bully's Bobby's a bit of a cruel sadistic nimrod. He makes, forces, poor moronic Marty into mock stripping for 100.00 to help a couple of gay fellows better enjoy the evening. He rapes the town slut. And I mean she does anything to anyone, and was having sex with him when he got rude-n-rough, so technically YES it was rape. He also slept with his best friend Marty's girl Ho. In fact when the darling wee trash-lite gal gets pregnant she's in a quandary over which sperm donor is actually her future career grocery-bagger child's teenage daddy.

The director, Larry Clark (who also brought us the ominous "Kids" in '95) gets an over zealous with the trash le Blanc on trash le Blanc sex scenes. Okay we get it, teens have sex. Teens have kinky sex. Onward please. He ads to the point of squeezing a two-hour movie into a three-hour documentary-like life lesson filled with shocking revelations for the gasping parents of teens across the globe who find themselves in his audience. But, for we folks "in the know" of the pubescent monsters high on Eminem (or who ever is the Backstreet-InSyncy-Britney Aguilera- bubble pop "in" idol that day) the whole thing got a trifle boring, and tried too hard condemn the species of teen. Not all kids get high on acid everyday, not all kids know more about Kama Sutra then Hugh Heffner, and, certainly, not all kids dissolve their childhood friendships with a quick bludgeoning and a (stab or 40) in the back. You wouldn't think that if Clark's version of adolesance was your text book on the subject. Lucky (and sadly) , for Clark this was a true story or Bully really would have been intolerable.

The young cast members were excellent. Except for Brad Renfro who was the star, Marty. Heapparently was told drama equals excessive drooling and smooched tiny teeny lips with pursed eyebrows. He's young he'll hopefully learn to stretch that Brady Bunch anger routine. Although, he was super unnerving as the jock-neo Nazi a few years back in underrated Apt Pupil. Maybe, it's just I have seen better from him...

Nick Stahl besides being baklava sweet on the retina is quite the budding actor. I have enjoyed every peice....of work he's done. Here, even with the shock filled dialog he was given as Bobby, he came through as menacing and dangerous not because of his vicious filthy words, but because of what Stahl had brewing behind those handsome piercing eyes. He wasn't "this guy needs to die for the good of mankind" menacing but, he made Bobby as bad as the dialog allowed.

Rachel Miner, who plays Marty's innocent- as- a- banshee -in- heat gal pal Lisa, did a great job until the beating/murder of Bobby Kent. Then she was possessed by Joan Crawford's "Eye's! Watch my eye's " soul risen from the Hollywood ham's grave, alive and kicking with film noir over acting.

Bijou Phillips (sibling of Cynna and Mackenzie) on the other hand as Ali the town whore, was unbelievably good. She hit every emotional plateau the script called for with realism actors twice her age are still reaching for. She's great at these rock-groupie-minishirted-bl**-ya-for-a-joint style gals. Keep your eye out for this "kid."

Bully a bit long and repetitive. If edited a wee bit it could be riveting. That and wipe the godforsaken drool from Renfro's mouth. It's shocking to see kids, I mean kids, go this far, so fast. They have now regard for taking another's life, a "friends" life. You couldn't see a dram of conscience between them.

See this if just for the up and coming generation of talent hodge podged on Clark's canvas, but be ready to be dragged through gratuitous teen sex scenes, and mind numbing visions of a group of youths so lost in oblivion you'll think twice about giving the drag racing teen next to you the finger ever again!

Snack recommendation: Pizza Hut©

Starring: Brad Renfro, Rachel Miner, Nick Stahl, Bijou Phillips, Michael Pitt, Kelli Garner, Daniel Franzese, Leo Fitzpatrick, and Deborah Smith Ford

Directed by: Larry Clark (who has a brief appearance as "the hitman's" dad.

The Score (2001)

What a cast! What a Movie!

[27 July 2001]

A movie with this delicious a blend of visually pleasing and talented actors, only comes along every decade or so. The Score serves up the ever smooth Bob DeNiro, snickering Edward Norton, a welcomed-back-to-the-screen Marlon Brando and hold-her-own-with-da-boyz Angela Bassett. All this oozing talent is directed appropriately by a man use to "puppeteering" Frank Oz. How could it lose?

And it didn't. The Score is a rich combination of talent, intelligent script and great direction.

Here's the score...Nick Wells (Bob " Tribeca Boy" DeNiro) is a master thief. He's also an upstanding citizen type who enjoys subdued lighting and fine brandy. He's smitten with a fine young thang, Diane (dazzling Angela Bassett). All he wants is to spend a little time around the house. Get to enjoy his rewards. So when what he thought was his eternal "last job" loses it's buyer ala a bronze casket six feet below the top soil Nick is lured by a long standing friend and colleague Max (Marlon "Please- No fat jokes, I've heard them all punk" Brando) into the quintessential last "last job." Max wants, needs, Nick to join in with an "inside" guy named Jack and do a team job on a priceless (not to them) artifact.

Natch, this last job is the über heist that will set him and his sweet chocolate love, Diane up for the rest of their lives and their future off springs lives. Still, Nick is apprehensive.

Enter Cracker Jack, wise Cracker, Jack (Ed- call Emily Blunt at 1-800-742-6565-Norton). Jack's a young bright uprising criminal who's has that strong odious belief that his poo above all others poo doesn't stink. Nick instantly hates him. Max kind of hates him. But they both need him. They all play nice.

The stage is set. The job is a go, and it's a beauty. Physics and facts play a big role in assisting the mix-matched duo in pulling the job off. Nick an expert at safe cracking and Jack an expert at...well, BS and codes. Max? He's the friendly neighborhood "fence" (the guy who sells the goods-the thieves steal). A big time criminal fence burrowed in a large palatial home filled with deep cavernous crevices where one might hide an extra freezer or two to store food in for the winter or for a late night snack (Couldn't resist).

DeNiro is a God. An acting God. He's also one of the sexiest men living. Of course it's a well known fact Mr. D enjoys the darker slices of female meat, and in The Score he's paired perfectly with a sultry Angela Bassett. The two are believable and romantic.

Let's talk big old smitbug bite. Edward Norton. I simply adore this man. Why? Have you seen Fight Club? Or American History X. At first he appears all dorky and innocent till he opens his sexy brilliant mouth. The boy can act with one hand tied behind he handsome back. Wrap him up...I'll take him. The fact that he's apparently, an intelligent man as well, only ads a whipped heavy cream topping to the already devilishly decadant slice of man pie! Maybe we could chat about the downfall of the Turkish Empire pre- Macedonia as I hand feed him Godiva dipped blueberries? Just a thought...

The cast usually tells a story about what you're heading in to see. The Pledge faux pas aside. The Score telegraphs it. It's going to be dynamic on so many levels! Frank Oz directs his human puppets to perfection, milking spectacularly sublime performances from some of our greatest living talents.

And, frankly, all fat-guy-puffin-through-the-flick-like-a-black-sheep-Daniel Baldwin-high-on Twinkies and Fritos brand corn chips jokes aside, legendary Brando eases through his role as Max showing people why he's an actor's favorite actor. His signature voice softly delivering lines that had more then a few of teary eyed as we watched a hero, an icon, back where he belonged and in the company of actors, that could not just hold there own, but that shared the screen comfortably with this colossal (sorry) legend.

Get out and see this. It's an all around pleaser; great looking cast great actors, great script, and great direction. Bravo. And thank you Mr. DeNiro, I was getting worried after a few of your "choices" in the past couple of years. Doubts rested.

Snack Recommendation: Sonny's all you can eat beef and pork parts BBQ, with sun-dried tomatoes.

Starring: Robert De Niro, Edward Norton, Marlon Brando and Angela Bassett

Directed By: Frank Oz

Planet of the Apes (2001)

The Planet's In A Heap o Trouble!

[27 July 2001]

Show of hands...how many of you were secretly ecstatic over the thought of A. Marky Mark, er, Mark Wahlberg (excuse me) all muddied up running around a Tim Burton set and B. that they were even remaking this accidental classic, which easily near the top of America's Cheesiest Films Of All Times list (right below Blackula, Killer Tomatoes and Jon Waters' purposely cheesy farces of course).

For those too young to remember, Planet of the Apes first appeared in 1968. It was a sensation with audiences and panned by critics. The costumes were state-of-the-art for the times and the sets were as other worldly as they could portray in a sixties Star Trek quazi-realism way.

Those who enjoyed the first version(s) even passed up the concession stand goodies for fear of losing that comfy close-up seat. The suspense of what the apes would look with all the modern gizmos the FX folks have at their disposal nowadays was almost unbearable. Like with The Grinch's recent successful transformation into 21st century-gadget- hoopla- infused- bing- bam box-office magic, TPOA does not disappoint on that level.

As for the the rest of the film? Well, the plot is as deep as Green Eggs and Ham and the "human" cast is about as exciting as an instructional video on an anal polyp removal from the lower bowel of a brown field mouse, yet still, mad-director Tim Burton left just enough camp to keep it, surprisingly, enjoyable.

The story goes...Astronaut; Leo Davidson (Mark "softly spoken" Wahlberg) is aboard a space station USS Oberon, training primates to play Astronaut. One starry night he is told to send one of these Chimps out to research a menacing energy field approaching fast on their starboard side.

The "canary in the coal mine" never returns...So, Leo, bored with is mundane duties anyhow, jumps into a delta pod to rescue the fellow, and, surprise, gets transported through time to a place ruled by...

He crash lands safely in an eerie swamp. But, before he can shake his banana dry, he is over run by a group of fear-for-their-lives types ricocheting through the forest being pursued by dressed, orating, violent apes. Leo is trapped, along with these ratty anorexic -Mad Max looking- extras each with a perpetual glaze over their faces like deer locked on headlights (or Nick Cage in an emotional scene), and sent to market. The market is run by Limbo (brilliant Paul Giamatti) a sleazy Orang creep.

Leo and a boopsie faced tribe gal, Deana (Estella " be careful of bimbo typecasting dear" Warren), meet in one of Limbo's human slave holding cells. She's smitten, but he's focused on his personal inner dialog, his sequel, "Exit El Quicko from the Planet Of The Apes."

They end up working together and gather a few others including, human rights activist girly ape Ari (Helena Bonham Carter). They all escape the city and head to "rendezvous" with Leo's space colleagues who have been sending out a signal to him via his space age transmitter he rescued from his sunken space pod. The humans hope Leo is their savior fallen from the sky to save them from the mini-Kongs that suppress them. Leo hopes his friends are waiting for him, just over the mountain range…

The fleeing party faces some pretty mean mother-apers en route to Shangri-La! One ape in particular, General Thad, (Tim Roth) hates humans in a Hitler- southern plantation owner-circa 1800 way. He wants the filthy creatures (humans) completely annihilated and is schmoozing with the ape senate to get his wish. Leo is just what the nefarious Thad ordered when praying to their almighty Semos for a sign the humans must all go. With Leo's frightening display of intelligence and back bone, the senate will be scared bananaless into giving Thad the Marshal Law decree he so desires.

Will Leo and his new tribal friends make it to the space command center before Thad's wicked army finds and crushes them? Is Leo the god they have waited for all these years? Could the last fight scene be tackier?

Don't worry, I'm not ruining anything here for you...It's so telegraphed G.W. Bush would know the ending half way through. Okay, maybe right before the credits at least.

The story is a tad blasé. You may find yourself adrift about the screen, looking for something to busy your brain when Mark and crew aren't battling the Apes. Which brings up a kind of humorous point of observation, Wahlberg's "Leo" has like three sentences of dialog in a scene, then smacko, he's immediately in primal combat again; like an odd ballet of film you watch and keep a mental metronome swaying in your head…1-2-3 fight, 1-2-3 fight.

TPOA is really all about the visual treats; like watching intense thespian Tim Roth bounce about like an extra at Ringling Bros. & Barnum Bailey Circus of the Cruel in his cute little money, er, ape suit. Tim Roth's "Thad" was super creepy. Hate oozes from his furry little pores to the point were you feared he may really have gone rabid. Even with all the schtufamagal Roth had burying his features, the feeling and depth from the actor beneath came through. Or Helena Bonham Carter, all made up in ten pounds of latex, a far cry from the West End beauty she is, for sure. Still a lady, even as an ape.

Then there's MM Wahlberg. His picture is in Compton's Encyclopedia under "example of the Male Homo Sapiens " -In my version anyway… The man's body is, simply, dare I say, perfect. He's a double cream serving of Pistachio Ice cream with a hidden layer of marshmallow fluff. Scrumptious. Leo was a dull character so MM's signature "whisper" delivery worked. I think i need a Boogie Nights fix...

TPOA has quite a few exciting moments. Enough to recommend it. Those nostalgic for the original take heart- there's still only one Cornelious (Roddy McDowall) and this is not a replacement, it's just another look at a pretty wild concept , modernized for the new generation to enjoy.

An aside: Danny Elfman, Timmie's favorite music man, is back incahoots producing the film's score. As always, Elfman delivers a catchy, flowing gently ominous orchestration of notes.

Snack recommendation: Banana nut pound cake and Pistachio ice cream.

Legally Blonde (2001)

Blondes Have More ...Brains

[13 July 2001]

Reese Witherspoon is back baby! She weighs like 100 pounds or something. I guess she birthed (hubby=angelic Ryan Phillipe) and bolted out to the gym. Good little starlette.

While Legally Blonde hasn't got the charm of Nurse Betty, the laugh out loud legendary Private Benjamin, it does have Reese and she brings the movie to life and makes it witty and bouncy enough to recommend. It's campy silly humor delivered by a witty and bouncy beautiful actress.

Legally Blonde's story goes...Spoiled yet kind Elle Wood (Reese " peanutbutter on a" Witherspoon) goes to CU. She's a Bel Air gal born and breed. Tropical Problem is she stuck on East Coast snob, Warner Huntington III, from a blueblood background trying to Kennedy his way into life and law school. Elle's a tart of sorts. Bright clothes, gosh-golly head tilts, versed in fabric qualities, and knows a last season DKNY when she sees one- shudder. She's just not "Jackie" material. No self-respecting congressman-to-be could marry her she's just too BLONDE! So she's dumped.

For some reason she believes she can, and must, "prove" she's worthy to this horrible third generation snob cake . Yech. Poor girl. How? How does a bright beautiful women impress an Ivy League lug? Simple, all she has to do is get into law school. HARVARD law school, where the beau of her fogged little mind is attending.

We learn Elle's actually a smart ditz; 4.0 in her current major (Fashion Design), as well as top of her high school graduating class. All she needs to enter is a 175 on the feared and dreaded LSAT test! Yeah, that's all...Elle tortures herself by cutting out all pedicures, shopping sprees, even PJ sorority parties, for the LSAT 40 pound 3400 page cram books. She want everything to go perfect, so she even hires a Coppola to direct her Harvard submission "video." She's got sass. She sassy.

Obviously she gets in. However, she may learn more than just the corpus erectus platunmbatum cardious ruling of 1978. She may learn, life's more than stuck up boyfriends, furry phone covers, and emergency manicures!

Or not.

The story had a few terrible scenes where you just looked at the screen in pure horror at their generic attempt of intriguing sub-plot before you. But, there are so many cute, scenes mixed with a nice, light, mindless humor, and of course Witherspoon you can forgive all that. If your one of those "despise her" people, well, you're gonna hate this-warning you.

Reese is typical Reese, cute and funny, flirty and dingy. It's a role that comes easy to this young underrated chickbabe. Though, it was similar to her Election character, she may be in for some ridicule from less forgiving reviewers...They are similar but not identical. They've got that whole ditzy girl who's secretly a powerhouse theme. Ree has a knack for comedy to be sure. A facial contortionist who delivers lines with a linguist's perfection.

Luke Wilson, who plays Emmet a friend of Elle's at Harvard, has manly man features gone awry. He scared me. I don't know, too much jaw line, which, before Luke, I hadn't thought, was impossible. Is there a name for that phobia? Acrhnojawthatbigia ? His body, however, is delectable...But how does one get over the Hamster-storing-a-snack look?

Mathew Davis, here as Elle's blue blood bean headed beau, is terribly attractive in a blue blood bean headed way. I noticed him in Pearl Harbor all beefcaked up and scene stealing. He's a little to, well, "Harvard boy" to ever be a true Blunt smit. Perhaps if I were able to take the squeaky clean puppy and roll him in semi-wet mud he'd come out all scruffy and Brad Pitt looking, thusly a whole lot more do-a-bell. Meow.

Selma Blair was great as the seething girlfriend/fiancé' determined to ruin Elle's scholastic reputation as well as her credibility as a semi-intelligent being. Her character fails of course, because Elle's got that rubber-tree plant and the ant mentally. That or a great dosage of Prozac keeping her days perpetually sunny!

If you're in the mood for a silly, mindless giggle-girl fest go take a look. Your male companions (and clamdiggin' chicks) may enjoy this too. There are plenty of attractive ditzy blondes, brunettes and mini-waisted scantly dressed college gals to keep them from exiting pre-credits!

Snack Recommendation: Evian and diet pills Starring: Reese Witherspoon , Luke Wilson,Selma Blair Matthew Davis, Victor Garber, Jennifer Coolidge, Holland Taylor, Ali Larter, Jessica Cauffiel, Alanna Ubach with Racquel Welsh Directed By: Robert Luketic

A.I. Artificial Intelligence (2001)

Spielberg has truly outdone himself with this mega-masterpiece

[30 June 2001]

Without a doubt Steven Spielberg has truly out done himself with this mega-masterpiece.

I see a lot of movies some good some bad, and rarely as great as what I saw this evening. Again, as with Castaway last season, the audience was viciously divided. I stand firmly and unswerving on the A.I. fanatic side.

A.I. combines a brilliant believable premise, meticulous ornate sets, a precise cast and a wonderful three dimensional script which is all orchestrated by one of our greatest living directors, Steven Spielberg.

The premise behind A.I., a boy-bot with nearly human emotions, is not so far fetched. Artificial intelligence is all around us now. From the purchase of an airline ticket to gasping up your tank at the gas-n-blow mart. We deal with it everyday on a lower level. Meanwhile, MIT's (a really smart person place in Boston) Dr. Cynthia Breazeal has actually even invented a animated robot with higher than the normal wax your- shoes- cart-your-drink-intelligence, named Kismet. It actually has the ability of instantiation. Reaction. Not as sophisticated as A.I.'s near-perfect "David" but I'd say they are heading there. Through the science of film and sound, Spielberg brings us to the future. A time when human-esque robots wait on us, make love to us and are as common as fluffy pink elephant slippers. A pair in every home.

A.I. is about a new kind of robot or "mecha", mechanical being, that is being beta-tested. There's only one and he's been programmed to accept and give love. Feel.

• Before you start gasping for air from a sudden aneurysm caused by the traumatic memory of that mega-creepy-flop Bicentennial Man (Robin Williams, hardly seen film faux pas) remember this is a Spielberg production. No short cuts and no expense spared ...

We meet David (Haley Joel Osment). David is to be placed with a family that meets all the designers' criteria, mostly their despair.

The "real" son the adoptive family presently has is frozen in a lab waiting for a cure for his particular illness. When the father's (Sam Robards) place employ, a cybertronics plant, offers him their newest and most avant-garde robot/product to date, he thinks it would be healthy for the wife (Frances O'Connor) to have a mock-child to love. Not to replace the freeze-dried carcass, er, son, they visit every weekend, but to perhaps, to help her let go and love again...

Okay it starts off a bit hokey. Stay with it.

David arrives not by stork, but by elevator, and is coming along with his new mommy and daddy. One dysfunctional family unit day, David gets a rude surprise. Poor boy, er, robot. Ultimately, he must be taken away from the family, worse his beloved mommy.

He and his personal animatronic super-toy he received from his mom, a wise old teddy bear that walks and talks, advises (and will be in my vast obsessive toy collection by Sunday), named, Teddy, are left in a mean, robot hating part of the world to fend for themselves.

David is rounded up, with other misfit "toys" and sold to a Flesh Fair, where humans string up, smash, melt and torture robots in a protest to their "taking over." How, humane. But, it's in this wretched scary circus of the cruel and bizarre that David meets and befriends a renegade man lover-bot, yes, I mean LOVER-bot Gigolo Joe (Jude- dreadfully handsome-Law).

Together the set out on a journey never before attempted by their kind. David wants to find the magical fairy that he had heard about, unfortunately, in a fairy tale he'd been read when back with his "family." He's smart, but not Dennis Miller smart, just child-like smart. David believes in his little panel wired heart it is only through her he can become a "real" boy and gain acceptance and true love from his mommy. Sniff.

As we travel with David, Teddy and Joe we are introduced to a world that comes spectacularly alive and surges off the screen. One such place is a future metropolis, with Gotham tendacies and Las Vegas style glitz called, Rouge. A sleazy red-light district of the future that would make Amsterdam blush with modesty. Lover bots carouse, sex shows abound, XXX is the name of the game. But, Rouge also happens to be where an all-knowing Wizard of Oz-like character resides. The wizard holds the answers for all, and most importantly for questing David, to ask.

Besides all the magical directing wonders that you'll feast your eyes upon, Spielenbergenschnitzelheimerschmidt and his creme-de-la-creme behind the scenes crew of fantasy makers have created a believable world that's at once original, a tad scary- like Woody Allen's Sleeper, or a A Clockwork Orange, and yet still has the innocence of Pinocchio.

Spielberg's the only guy I can think of that could have pulled this off so flawlessly. Okay the long beginning aside.

Haley Joel Osment is perhaps, the only child that makes my bothering "clock" tick. I simply adore this child. If you could be absolutely guaranteed a little Beatle-cute thing like that...Well, I'd say "stick an epidural in me and call a mid-wife." But, with my luck I'd get a mutant demon spawn, so best I stick to canine children and leave the breeding to those who can handle it. H.J Osment is an intense talent, who just keeps turning in remarkable performances.

Jude Law is so sharp and tangy looking, in a slather him up in Thai peanut sauce and finger-paint the day away way. He's a pretty boy. BUT a manly, sexy pretty boy. Especially in the Who Quadrophenia gear they have him sporting in this shindig. Anywhere, anyhow, anyway! He's a sensual hit with women, men, and I believe, Koalas. We eat him up- yum. Another immensely talented actor who seems to pick his work for script and not loot. Though, hopefully, he "Aflecked" this deal and made his contract include a percent of profit. I even loved The Talented Mr. Ripley. Still don't get people's loathing of that movie...

William Hurt plays the man who creates young David. It's a small role delivered in his usual ease. Thanks to Kevin Spacey's impressions of him, I now laugh aloud whenever the man hit's a screen. Dam you Spacey and your razor wit!

While the screenplay is scripted by Spielberg, it's based on a short robot toy story,"Super Toys Last All Summer Long," by acclaimed Sci-fi writer Brian Aldiss that had appeared in a 1969 Harper's Bazaar, and it was the late visionary Stanley Kubrick who first wished to see it done with technical extravagance on the big screen.

Kubrick, a colossal multi-talent himself told friend Spielberg of the A.I. tale. Stan trusted it to his friend before his death, and he wouldn't be disappointed in what Stevie's done. A quote from long time Spielberg associate, Kathleen Kennedy, sums it up best, " There's no question this is a movie that has Steven Spielberg sensibilities all over it. But the subtext is all Kubrick."

So, relax Kubrickians. It turned out to be -out-there-enough that it would have intrigued your beloved Kubrick, and gosh-golly enough to keep it in check.

A.I. is a modern fairy tale for the more computer savvy audience. It has a PG-13 rating and deservedly. I would say watch out with the real preteens. This is heavy, thought provoking, possible nightmare inducing stuff for the wee-er ones folks. Not to mention the six or seven heart in your throat emotional moments, moral issues on creating- that will have their little heads near combustion with confusion. Yep, best to leave the squirts at home with their artificial intelligence...You know their computers, their play stations, their Furbys. I hate those creepy little monsters...The Furbys- not your kids.

The Animal (2001)

Happy Madison productions brings you another hysterical movie!

[1 June 2001]

Happy Madison productions brings you another hysterical movie! Granted, anybody who has ever known or been around animals will laughter a little harder, but still this is the funniest movies in quite a while.

Rob Schneider was the perfect man to pull this puppy off. He's, um, er, petite and we bought the loser turned animal bit- a little too easily perhaps. The story was surprisingly unique and fast paced.

You'll want to avoid and kind of intaking of a beverage natural while viewing this movie, because dollars to donuts it'll come blasting out of your nostrils onto the guy in front of ya-- trust me.

Story goes... Marvin Mange (Rob -If he were only a smidge taller- Schneider) is a wimpy asthmatic loser with exponents the size of Benicio del Toro's thighs. He's desperate to get on the police force, but as he's failed the obstacle course four times there's a better chance of Rosie O'Donnell being straight...

He's left alone one day while the rest of the boys form the precinct are out playing some ball. He gets a 211 (armed robbery) call and has to go it alone. Enroute he is derailed by a circus seal mysteriously blocking the road. He flies over the cliff, in one of the funniest car-over-the-cliff- scenes I've ever seen, and is left a broken man- literally.

A strange ranger sort saves him by rebuilding him a' la the six million dollar man meets Dr. Doolitle. So Marvin's more of a Frankenweenie human with a keen sense of smell that's perpetually in a state of heat. See, Marvin gets his new chance at life after miscellaneous animal parts are transplanetd through a proceure known as "Radical Transpeciesoctomy" or some such nonsense. And after a whole week's recovery (go with it) he's back in the world of Human Erectus'.

Problem is his new animal parts he inherited are taking' over the his normally dormant animal instincts. The hilarity begins.

He meets a pretty gal and animal activist, Riana (Colleen Haskell-yes, that girl from Survivor- who happens to have a degree in theater. Hmm. Nah, that show was real. It wasn't a fix. The cast was really just everyday actors-er-models-er-folks like us). Will the love bug bite or Marvin?

Then just as poor Marvin finds happiness, some manbeast is ripping apart cows at night. The village people want blood, Marvin's blood. That and to carry their lit torches in an angry mob!

What's to become of the elfin Marvin? Will he be hunted down like wild boar, and his bulbous head mounted on the mayor's wall? Or will he settle down with a nice Billy goat from the right side of the tracks and start a small herd of his own?

You'll have to just go and see, because this one is highly recommended.

There are a couple of other cast members that need mention. Norm McDonald, who I'd jump on like a rabid rhesus monkey given the chance, plays a callous mob member riddled with confusion at how the whole darn mob mentally flows. Of course Adam Sandler makes an appearance- ever so briefly- to cheering audience members. That was weird. And Marvin's nemesis the sargeant at his police department, played by John C McGinley, is as obnoxious as any drunken bleacher quarterback in the cheap seats at the superbowl. Brilliantly funny!

Hmm, I use to dislike Sandler so very much. Now there's this new funny trend he's jumped on. I may have to rethink this year's ASSCUKA (American Sandler Sucks-Cocky-Unfunny Kreep- Association) membership dues...Cause the boy can pick them. Funny movies to produce I mean.

Snack recommendation: Badger milk and semi-chewed earthworm.