blackxmas Reviews

The Black Gestapo (1975)

I'm speechless...

[25 July 2002]

BLACK GESTAPO is a hoot. I mean it's funny and entertaining and never bores. It keeps clicking along right until the very much unbelievable end. You got 'nads being chopped off, naked women all over the place, black men dressing up like nazis and a mean,nasty vibe this picture just can't shake. I suggest buying it. Today.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Painful yet watchable.

[3/10 · 25 July 2002]

HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS is by no means quality filmmaking but if you want nekkid women and very laughable gore effects, it's your movie. Luckily the damn thing only runs about 70 or so minutes therefore it doesn't wear out it's welcome. If it was only as good as it's title.

Assassination (1987)

ASSASSINATION pretty bad but pretty funny.

[6 July 2002]

This really is terrible yet I found myself laughing hysterically. Bad acting from the supporting characters, plot holes galore and a haphazard directing style that has to be seen to be believed. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it but for all the wrong reasons. It's worth a rental if you're in the mood for this sort of thing.

Murphy's Law (1986)

MURPHY'S LAW typical Cannon fodder.

[6 July 2002]

Nothing exceptional about this Bronson entry. It's still watchable. Kathleen Wilhoite's teen thief character says the dumbest things ever in an effort to be insulting. Who actually thought what she was saying was either funny or raunchy? Bronson gets to run around and shoot things and says "Don't f*** with Jack Murphy!" twice. A really goofy film that should please hardcore Bronson fans.

Tunnel Vision (1976)

Dated yet intellectual raunchy comedy

[6 July 2001]

If you don't think today's American comedies have been dumbed down, you should give TUNNEL VISION a look. Crude and tasteless, extremely dated, but very, very smart. It's amazing how many jokes you miss because here, it's all in the writing. Sure, kids today won't get a lot of the 70's pop and political references, but if you actually paid attention in your history and political science classes (as well as TNN and TVLAND), it shouldn't be a problem. Can you say that about TOMCATS and AMERICAN PIE? The wraparound segments of a federal hearing pertaining to the effects on the nation for watching the Tunnel Vision network are eerily prophetic given the current Media Marketing Responsibility Act Lieberman and Clinton and Kohl are trying to push. Politically Correct viewers may balk at some of the bits on race, but the film skewers everybody, plus it's obvious that there's more going on then just a cheap laugh at different minority (and majority) groups' expense. TUNNEL VISION is more than just an old sketch comedy movie from the 70's, and it's sad that most modern comedies can't approach the cerebral humor on display here.

Cisco Pike (1971)

Kristofferson's debut is excellent.

[16 June 2001]

Anyone looking for a downbeat, humorous melodrama should track down Kris Kristofferson's acting debut as the title character. Gene Hackman, Harry Dean Stanton and Karen Black compliment him nicely in a dated yet refreshing picture about a has-been musician who's recently quit dealing drugs. Hackman is a psychotic narc who blackmails him into selling stolen marijuana and Black is his put-upon live-in girlfriend that's just about had it with Pike's freewheeling ways. An extremely moody piece, punctuated with quick but successful comedic moments and quietly tense scenes. CISCO PIKE is from that early 70's less-is-more period of filmmaking and makes a great diversion from the feces currently hurled at us from Hollywood. Just goes to show that good movies age well, regardless of the pop culture it contains within.

Golfballs! (1999)

Not even breasts can save GOLFBALLS.

[9 June 2001]

This could be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Just because you are making a trashy exploitative ripoff of CADDYSHACK doesn't mean it has to be this bad. I mean, think about it. All you had to do was make a better film than CADDYSHACK 2. I like topless women as much as the next guy, but with my porn mags, my personal porn videos, my local porn video store...well, heck, you gotta come up with some kind of interesting story (or coherence) to support those breast shots if it's gonna be softcore. GOLFBALLS fails on every level:from the farting dog to the Nude Cart Wash back to the non-suspenseful golf game that comprises the finale. The outtakes over the end credits are funnier than the movie itself. I'm not kidding. Avoid like the plague.

The Dead Hate the Living! (2000 Video)

More of a bad trend.

[2 June 2001]

I'm so tired of supposedly clever, overly self-conscious horror films. I know there are generational differences and a lot of people find this type of thing humorous and hip. In the early 90's, there was a film called "There's Nothing Out There" which was about a slimy green monster from outer space killing vacationing teens at a house in the woods over Spring Break. There was a horror movie nut who bothered everybody by making references to other horror films. At the time, that seemed funny and the movie itself is a ragged, messy charmer. I believe this is the film Kevin Williamson used to help him along in writing the script for "Scream", which while I did enjoy it, has hurt the horror genre through it's lazy deconstruction of modern horror. "The Dead Hate The Living" is a bandwagon film that only goes to show that even with a larger than usual budget and good intentions (but obviously pandering to the "Scream" demographic), a horror movie you cannot make.

I do have a theory that maybe people who like horror a little too much and are too eager to please cannot make a decent, serious horror picture. I do have a problem with people who like references to Warbeck and Campbell and Fulci. Do you like being patronized? I don't think you do. Why do you make special concessions for filmmakers who obviously take the easy way out by making you feel superior because you can pick up on what are basically pop-culture references? All the horror films of the past we champion have none of these obvious references. Are we so devoid of creativity or original thought (or filmmaking prowess) that we cannot make(or get to see) a good horror film anymore? I think they got us in a box and we can't get out.

Longshot (1981)

Foosball epic. Believe it...

[10/10 · 27 May 2001]

So we're sitting around at work watching one of our favorite bad sports movies THE BREAK, when C.G. exclaims "They should make a foosball movie!" I think for a minute and go "Jesus. They did. And Leif Garrett was in it. I saw it on cable in the 80's. It was called LONG SHOT and it had this really bad song that went 'I'm lookin' for a long shot to come through...'". So we hit the IMDB to make sure I was right, then we head over to eBay and get a copy (the Thorn EMI original although there is a retitled version at Amazon called LONGSHOT KIDS). A week and a half later, it comes and we watch it. And it's as bad as we figured (and as I remembered). So it's a keeper. It's a foosball spectacular comedy drama about kids who try to make $50,000 playing in a Lake Tahoe foosball national championship. There's laughs, and loves, and non-stop foosball action. It's boring, badly acted, and almost unwatchable. Yet we love it. There's no hope for us. We can't defend ourselves or this trash. We just urge you to watch it.

And Leif Garrett's in it. The foosball champion of the world. Lookin' for a long shot to come through....

That Darn Punk (2001 Video)

THAT DARN PUNK a darn shame.

[2/10 · 11 May 2001]

Hoo boy. Here's a film with a built in fan base that's going to love it no matter what. I could think of a lot things to say but it'd be a waste of my time. The acting stinks, the writing worse, and I can't remember the last time I was bored by a movie because of it's uninspired camera work. The back of the box makes the claim that 'THAT DARN PUNK is the first film of it's kind to actually entertain audiences worldwide while completely ignoring the Hollywood machine'. What KIND of film are they talking about? What KIND of vague statement is that? THAT DARN PUNK is all that's bad with independent cinema and that SELWYN'S NUTS trailer at the beginning (has to be the worst trailer ever assembled from a technical standpoint)looks even worse. I guess this is what happens when self-styled punk rockers make a punk rock movie. Punk rock movie. Who are they fooling?

High-Ballin' (1978)

HIGH-BALLIN' a bit slow, a bit strange.

[5/10 · 24 March 2001]

If you think you might be getting into a jovial SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT type film thanks to HIGH-BALLIN's ad art, think again. What the film delivers is a dark, moody piece set in snowy Canada that doesn't seem to know what direction it exactly wants to go in. Reed plays Duke, an independent trucker who just happens to be next on the list of a bunch of local truck hijackers. Fonda is Rane, an old trucking buddy come to visit for a spell and ends up helping Duke take on the hijackers. Is it supposed to be a comedy? Well, there are some funny moments. Hard ass action flick? Well, there are some cool stunts. Romantic drama? Well, yeah, there are some tender moments. For some reason though, there is that aforementioned dark tone that somehow squeezes out any ounce of humanity and replaces it with an ominous aura that lays itself out on the characters and the landscape. Maybe it's 1970's Canada, as I got the same feeling watching Cronenberg's FAST COMPANY. It may sound as if I don't like this film but I do. It's different and odd, especially for it's genre. Definitely worth a look.

Land of the Free (1998)

LAND OF THE FREE: It ain't terrible but...

[13 March 2001]

Jeff Speakman plays a campaign manager for would-be senator William Shatner who finds out that Shatner wants to take over America with the help of militias. This is a lesser PM Entertainment film that concentrates on being a kindler, gentle action film. With the inclusion of a wife and kid amidst all the on-the-run action, it's obvious that this film is pandering to many varying demographics. It slows down the pace and adds only bad melodrama.

Even the action scenes aren't as good as some other PM releases. William Shatner isn't even allowed to ham it up. It's not bad, but, it ain't good.

Empire Records (1995)

EMPIRE RECORDS a Teen Trash Classic

[13 March 2001]

In reality, this movie really stinks. It's obviously rushed, not well thought out, and reeks of mid-90's alt-slacker non-revolution. Yet it's totally interesting from a cinematic standpoint as we watch Allan Moyle cannibalize the themes from his previous teen pictures into one big ball of overly-romantic teen angst. It's compulsively watchable and highly embarrassing at the same time; you wouldn't want to be caught watching it by your friends. Everybody in this film seems to be having a good time making it and that vibe is infectious. It also gets better with repeated viewings. Go figure.

Raiders of the Sun (1992)

Another Santiago Mad Max Ripoff

[12 March 2001]

Goofball reworking of MAD MAX that seems strangely competent for Cirio Santiago, but it's still a mess. Instead of gasoline, warring factions battle for gunpowder. It's all highly watchable and relatively painless, and actually contains some lively characters. Who would have thought? It's still a big mess, though.....

Red Line (1995 Video)

RED LINE a slow, uneventful ride.

[11 March 2001]

RED LINE is a bore. A sloppy, unfunny mess of an action film with an inviting box and a well-cut trailer. The acting is bad, the camera work is bad, the stunts are bad. Everything about this film, really, is bad. Decent exploitation cast is wasted. Jan Michael Vincent is interesting to watch because his face is a mangled mess thanks to his unfortunate car accident. This is another of those productions that could've been a lot of fun with a competent director concentrating on making the car chase scenes exciting, rather than a hack job to flood a market overflowing with lackluster action pictures.Yawn.

The Zodiac Killer (1971)

Unintentionally funny and frequently creepy

[7/10 · 19 February 2001]

Wow. This is a keeper. Loosely based on the Zodiac's reign of terror, this laugh-out-loud horror-thriller fully satisfies the right type of viewer. While the acting is the source for most of the hilarity, there are scenes that actually provide some surreal, creepy moments. That's sometimes hard for filmmakers on $1.05 budget. This holds up to repeated viewings and never fails to entertain. What we need is a new film about the Zodiac killings, probably some of the most interesting, yet sadly, unsolved crimes of the last century. This release from Academy is misspelled as THE ZODIAK KILLER, so take that in consideration when looking for around for it.

The Lifestyle (1999)

Hilarious,unbiased look at an alternative lifestyle. SPOILER!!

[18 February 2001]

An extremely well-made documentary about swinging. Surprisingly graphic and frequently amusing, this ode to wife-swapping is chock full of normal,everyday people who cheerfully talk about their passion for multiple partners. From back-yard BBQ's to full scale conventions, these low key, yet refreshingly eccentric free spirits win the viewer over and over again with what seems to be a healthy attitude towards sex. The vibe of the film is on par with the classic documentary WONDERLAND, another Good Machine production. Highly Recommended.

The Yards (2000)

Cliche script sinks engaging ensemble cast

[4/10 · 18 February 2001]

It always seems like an intellectual slag when somebody derides someone else's review of a movie as obviously "not getting it". No, I get THE YARDS, but what I don't get is why someone would write such a generic story and then somebody would spend some large amount of money to produce it. THE YARDS isn't bad. It's just boring, held together by good actors working with a script written by someone who paid TOO MUCH attention in scriptwriting class. Technically, it looks fantastic, but everyone in Hollywood now has the technology to make even the worst movie at least look good. So what's left? The lack of tight, non-padded script. Everything that happens, one can see coming from a mile away. I don't expect crime thrillers to be wholly original, but there is nothing that distinguishes this from any straight-to-video dreck that ripped off all of Scorsese's crime films and say for example, USUAL SUSPECTS, other than it actually got released in theatres. It obviously goes on way too long, by what I can honestly say is a good 25 to 30 minutes. Certain scenes are painfully unnecessary, just absolute filler. It would be a great film to teach by; have the class watch it, discuss what subplots could be avoided, where proper editing can add punch in places and speed up a lagging narrative. Recent examples of decent films within the same MEAN STREETS genre: BOONDOCK SAINTS and MONUMENT AVE. Not original, but engaging, localized crime thrillers that ENTERTAIN. Somewhere within THE YARDS is a good movie waiting to be rearranged into something solid, but as it stands, now suffers from its pedestrian excesses.

Twisted Love (1995)

Ugh...

[2/10 · 6 February 2001]

Slow moving film about a crazy girl who kidnaps her dream boy when he wrecks his ride. A cross between Fatal Attraction and Misery that is about as entertaining as a visit to the chiropractor. But...there's this hilarious scene in the beginning where Mark Paul Gosselaar gets beaned in the face with a football. It's obviously a flub but they left it in. My roommate and I kept rewinding it and laughing our butts off. So now I have to keep this garbage in my collection. Great....

Fast Company (1979)

High-Octane Excitement with a Cronenberg Twist!!!

[2 February 2001]

William Smith plays Lonnie Johnson, an aging race car driver, who's sponsor, FastCo Motor Treatment, represented by John Saxon, is about to can him due their quest for a youthful and cheaper image. Claudia Jennings is his long-distance girlfriend in a not wholly original, but fascinating look at the traveling race-car circuit and it's casualties.

This may be the ultimate drive-in feature; part-documentary, part-exploitation puncuated by moments of eerie silence that proves Cronenberg can do anything he wants with any type of material and make it interesting. Strange, lingering scenes of mechanics maintaining vehicles with up-close clinical precision (as well as surreal inside-the-car camerawork) will satisfy Cronenberg's most hardcore fans, as well as the sense of desolation and alienation amongst the highways, broken-down racetracks, and most importantly, the fans and drivers of the Pacific Northwest. This may be Cronenberg's most interesting film, since it's material you would never expect him to tackle, and because it's the least-seen movie in his catalogue. Highly recommended and worth tracking down by any means necessary.

Highball (1997)

Ernie Fusco strikes again!

[22 January 2001]

That Ernie Fusco! What a character! He makes such funny films! HIGHBALL is no exception. I love this witty, underlit, six-day wonder so much! If you've seen any of Fusco's other films, then you know what you're in for. Just one question, who the heck is Noah Baumbach? See this movie. It'll make you want to be a big lizard next Halloween.

Gargoyles (1972 TV Movie)

Gargoyles gonna getcha!!!

[30 December 2000]

A staple of the early 80's Creature Feature program that aired on Channel 6 in Miami, FL, Saturday Mornings at 10am. Then wrestling would come on hosted by Gordon Solie. And kids think they got it good cause of the Internet. Still fun after all these years.

The Undertaker and His Pals (1966)

One of the best!!!!!

[30 December 2000]

Oh, some people will think it stinks, but for my money, this is moviemaking! Short running time, graphic violence, bad puns and swinging sixties music all combined to make one of the most enjoyable features I've ever seen. No joke!! The DVD is the best it's ever looked except for probably it's initial release. I highly recommend it, especially for younger teenage horror lovers. Loads of fun.

Wonder of It All (1974)

Sooooooooothing.......

[6/10 · 11 December 2000]

I was hungover with some type of food poisoning on a Sunday afternoon. I popped this in a friend's VCR and we both agreed it's rather helpful in trying to get over a previous night's drinking. Animals running around, being filmed all over the world. It's nice to watch. I did have to get sick in the bathroom one or two times but it made the visuals all the better. What's great is the filmmakers setting up "encounters" where all these weird staged fight scenes between animals take place. Guess the American Humane Association wasn't monitoring this set. I feel better, so thanks for asking.

Nemesis (1992)

NEMESIS emits a Pyun-gent stench.

[1/10 · 11 December 2000]

Al's made another stinker so boring, confusing, and sleep-inducing that they actually made three sequels to it. The trailer for this film makes it look good. It's actually one of the only times I've been suckered by a preview, so I'll give it that. Cyborgs try to destroy humans in the year 2027 with mind-numbing results. If you fast forward to the end you'll get to see the stop-motion I was suckered by in the trailer...for about 3 minutes. AVOID like a freakin' plague.