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paulmst3k
Reviews
The Mummy Returns (2001)
Mind-numbing
Mummy Returns is, as expected, way worse than the origional. It pales in comparison. And, sadly enough, the first Mummy isn't very good at all!
So much to say why this movie didn't work: *SPOILERS AHEAD* 1. The plot is just cluttered with tons of legends, ancient stories, ancient artifacts, bracelets, spears, gods, armies of destruction and other such nonsense. ex. "They wake up Ahmontep to wake up and kill the Scorpion King who made a pact with so-and-so and got condemmed for ever, so Ahmontep can have his dark army, but he needs the bracelet to wake him up, and some Spear to kill whoever, and who knows how the O'Connells got the spear in the first place." All of this confusing stuff is in the first 30 minutes, mind you, and everything plot-wise becomes cloudy and muddled. The big problem with Mummy Returns, is that it's just not simple enough. 2. All the heiroglyphics, that everyone can read, say dumb stuff that would nobody would ever bother to carve. "This way to Scorpion King." "He who disturbs this chest (there are numerous chests) will surely die." And why would they carve how to kill the Scorpion King (with the sceptre of Osiris) in his own temple?! 3. The ever-annoying Alex. He's way to brave and smart for his own good. He's not even cute, and his one-liners are very contrived and not funny. Why doesn't he just write the name of where they are going instead of building sand sculptures? And where did he get that British accent? His parents don't talk like that! 4. The dazzling special-effects that we expect from every movie these days were non-existant. The airship idea was incredibly stupid, and it didn't look that cool. The tiny pygmies. Where did they come from, and what is their purpose? Who knows. But they weren't that cool, and had no motivation. I wasn't scared. Anubis army, they were okay, but they looked awkward and most of all, fake. And the graphics of the Scorpion King at the end were extremely laughable. It looked like something out of a video game. As for the fight scenes, Is it just me or is anyone else sick of seeing slow-motion every time a punch is thrown? 5. All aspects of the movie have failed, now it's time to see what we came for. The Rock. He's actually a pretty good actor. Oh, wait, he's only in the movie for a few minutes in the beginning. In spite of this, he graces almost every poster or promotional item for Mummy Returns. Why didn't they place "Bad Soldier #3" on the poster? I mean, he was in the movie just as long! Another prime example of Hollywood just out to squeeze dollars out of everyone.
That concludes my synopsis. When I see this type of movie I don't expect "Citizen Kane," or Shakespeare, but I do expect something a little bit more valuable than this drivel. Something that shows a worthy effort by the actors and the writing team, by someone who didn't read "Archaeology for Dummies," before he started. Anyways, watch the first Mummy or the perfect example of an action/adventure/comedy movie done right, "Indiana Jones." This movie is just another LOUD Hollywood Blockbuster sequel trying to make money off the coat-tails of the semi-popular predecessor. In that respect, it succeeded marvelously. Otherwise, it's just another forgettable film where nothing is tangible, nothing is sacred, nothing is genuine, nothing is good.
The Sixth Sense (1999)
Good movie, but a few flaws...
I believe that this film is very good, but not good enough to be spot #23 on the IMDB top 250 list. First of all, the movie is a little bit overrated. (which is understandable because no other decent movies were out at the time except for Phantom Menace)
Second of all, great movies get better each time you watch them. With each viewing, Sixth Sense gets less and less exciting and turns almost to the point of boring. The characters and their problems are not interesting enough to watch again and again. By the third time you've seen it, the movie becomes mediocre, knowing the ending does not make this movie good. (However, it is fun to point out things you didn't notice before about...well, *you know* (I don't wish to have a spoiler in comment)) Anyway, the problems with the characters is that they are too much the same. They're not melodramatic, but both Willis and (I forget his name) "the quiet kid" say all their lines in the same kind of serious, low-toned voice. There is feeling behind the lines, but not enough variety of feeling.
Finally, there are a few plot holes, but I don't wish to discuss them because previous commenters already have. Cole "the quiet kid" did a fine acting job (compared to all the other kid actors out there, he looks like Orson Welles) it wasn't incredibly entertaining to watch his acting skills, but they were good. I hope the poor kid isn't scarred for life by the tone of the movie, and I hope he doesn't become type-casted and turn into another MacCullay Culkin.
Anyway, a good suspenful movie (not really scary) and I would strongly recommend watching the movie once, but not twice, and definately not six times.
Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)
Cherokee Jack's Classic
Before I begin with the summary, let me just say that this movie should only be watched with the help of Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo. (or collectively: MST3K)
Anyway, I'm what you call an obsessed fan of MST3K and I own this episode and have seen it many times. On one of these viewings, I decided to push out the hilarious comments of the Bots and focus on the actual movie, just to see if I could actually understand the whole thing. And I'll be honest, I did kind of understand where Francis was going with this whole thing. The movie is unforgettable, because it is so bad. The characters, the plot, the editing, the music, the crudely drawn map used to invade Cuba (looks like it was drawn by a 7 year old trying to draw like a 4 year old), and the really long drawn out scenes. Everything about the movie is bad, and maybe that's Coleman Francis point. He's not going to entertain us with a happy ending and interesting characters, he's making us face brutal reality. People are mean, evil, like sucks for some people. Francis is portraying all the dreariness of life, and he succeeds because he is able to make the audience suffer through what the characters suffer. Think about the part when the car is at the side of the road, and the camera pans over to the crosses with words on them that spell out something like, "You will be here forever." Think about it as long as you like, maybe Francis is trying to say with his dreary sets, dreary plots, and dreary characters that life is dreary. Take the movie for what it's worth...dreary.
I don't know, maybe I'm just nuts. Maybe Coleman was trying to do a edge-of-your-seat thiller. But he didn't. Still, I'd rather watch this movie than "Waterworld" "Speed 2: Cruise Control" "Police Academy 7" or "She's All That." I have a good idea for a sequel focusing on the uprising with Manuel Noriega, you could call it "Red Zone Nicaragua."
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Terrible...but somewhat intriguing
Let me just begin by saying this movie is really, really, bad. Even watching MST3K with it is sometimes painful.
However, there is something about this movie, that you can't turn away from the film in all it's horror. It somehow appears to be a "snuff film," I don't know if such movies exist, but Manos: Hands of Fate is a good piece of evidence that it does.
Once I learned that the actors who played the Mother, the Kissing Girl, and Torgo had all committed suicide the same year the movie was made, I was freaked out. You almost think that the whole cult and sacrifice is probably real. It's probably not true, but watching the movie with a viewpoint that these people are filming a documentary about their cult gives you a whole other feeling, one of unsettling curiosity. Hey, maybe this movie could be considered the father (or Master) of "Blair Witch Project"!
Maybe I'm just crazy. Probably the whole reason this movie was made was so we could see the Master's brides wrestle in diaphonous gowns. Despite the wretchedness of the movie, Torgo is an incredibly unforgettable character. You can't help but think of what his ambitions, goals, and motivation. Once you really dig deep down in his character, you realize how disgusting it is, and try to free yourself from the grossness of it all.
Final word of caution: don't watch without Joel and the Bots.
Long Live Torgo!
The Muppet Movie (1979)
I'm 17 years old, but I still love the Muppets
Words really can't explain how much I love Jim Henson and his zany muppets. But, I'll try my best...
This is my favorite muppet movie (appropiately titled "The Muppet Movie") because it is both hilarious and endearing. It doesn't sacrifice it's charm for the sake of being funny. It's wonderful and lots of fun. All the cameo appearances are great, especially Orson Welles and Steve Martin "Finest Wines of Idaho...excellent choice." And all the origonal muppets are great too: Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Scooter, the Electric Mayhem, Rowlf, Sam the Eagle, Lew Zealand, and most of all, Fozzie Bear, "Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?" The movie also has wonderful catchy tunes (whenever I go on a road trip I always sing "Moving right along!") I love this movie.
The Flight of the Phoenix (1965)
Overlooked Jimmy Stewart classic
This is probably my favorite Jimmy Stewart movie ("Harvey" and "Rear Window" are close behind) but not many of my friends have seen it. That is unfortunate, because this is the perfect example of a disaster/survivor movie done right. Almost everything is done right, the movie concentrates in one area, making the set unremarkable, but therefore allowing the aspects of dialogue and character develop beautifully, while avoiding cliches and stereo-types. Jimmy Stewart, Richard Attenbourgh, Hardy Krueger, George Kennedy, Ernest Borgnine and Peter Finch all give great performances. My favorite character is the cowardly Sgt. Watson, his behavior in the survival is interesting to watch and see how is weakness of character unfolds. You can almost feel the suffering and heat that the crew is experienced. Overall, this movie is wonderful and surpasses the usual trash-collecting "disaster" movies that Hollywood never seems to tire of making. This is a must see.
She's All That (1999)
She's Really Dumb...
WARNING: (might contain spoilers) (of course this movie is so predictable, I don't believe it is possible to have spoilers)
This movie is a cesspool of cliches, swearing, cute but untalented actors, and lots of "hip" and "cool" so-called "music." Freddie Prinze, Jr. plays the typical popular guy. (i guess that's because he plays soccer, that makes him popular, just like real high school, right?) Anyway, his bleached-brain friends start a bet to turn an ugly duckling into a prom queen. Unfortunately, they already picked a beautiful swan. In fact, the movie points out that Cooke's only "ugly" attribute is that she wears glasses. And, naturally, we assume that glasses make her nerdy and ugly. It would have been much more interesting if they picked an overweight girl with braces, and started an alternate day bulk-up routine and a diet of Slim-Fast, to make her skinny enough for prom-queen acceptable. Instead, the filmmakers make it easy on themselves by simply getting the girl contacts. The rest of the movie tries to make us believe that this is how high school students behave and act, and becomes offensive. I hated watching the scenes of the big parties, the walking on the beach, and the unsightly hair on the pizza. Don't any of these students take time to study and learn? Oh, no. Of course not. That's what all the nerdy people do, and we're trying to make them prom queen. And prom queens do not like books (according to the movie) Anyway, I am sorry to say that I saw this movie, luckily I saw it at the dollar theater. I'm hoping that Hollywood will come out with a satrical, unique high-school comedy in the future. I continue to wait...
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
"Once again Dr. Jones we see there is nothing you can possess which I can not take away."
WARNING: POSSIBLE SPOILERS
What a wonderful and fun movie this is. I saw this movie when I was about seven years old, and since then I've always wanted to be an archaeology. (of course, I realize archaeology is nothing like the movie, but, it's still fun)
From the opening scene to in the South American jungle, to the climatic scene in a remote island in the Aegean Sea, this movie is so memorable, awe-inspiring, and filled with wonderment. It's almost become an enigma of adventure movies, and the funny thing is, it's so simple. Dr. Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is our somewhat sarcastic, free-spirit hero who gets help from an independent spunky woman named Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), and a boisterous, friendly, baritoned-voice Egyptian named Sallah (John Rhys-Davies). (Whenever I feel happy or I have done something victorious I can't help but break into a few bars of "Monarch of the Sea," and "A British Tar is a Sterling Soul.") Anyway, they fight against a competing French Archaeologist, Rene Belloq (Paul Freeman) and arrogant, Nazi stooge General Herman Dietrich (Wolf Kahler) and the sniveling, impish Nazi thug named Toht (Ronald Lacey) in the quest for the Ark of the Covenant. Denholm Elliot also has a brief role as the intellectual Dr. Marcus Brody, (who became much more prominent in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."
All the characters are memorable, especially Ronald Lacey's portrayal of Toht. You can't forget the small balding guy, competely decked out in the all-black uniform, and those glasses perched on the end of his nose, he is great in the bar scene at Nepal.
Overall, this movie is just tons of fun, with plenty of action-packed scenes, elaborate sets, and memorable and witty dialouge. I love the Arabian swordsman scene :) I believe it the best of the Indiana Jones trilogy and is definitely a must-see. And remember: "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first."