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StinkerCritics - T & L
Reviews
Girl in Gold Boots (1968)
Dud in Old Boots
How many movies were we watching here? It seemed like 4 of the worst stories intertwined into one incoherent bust. We should've known this movie was bad simply from the fact that the name of the diner was "Eat." After that, a paper thin plot slowly developed which included many boring car and dance scenes that were just drawn out. Also, we missed most of the movie due to poor lighting conditions and muffled microphones. It's hard to enjoy a movie you can't hear or see, but then again maybe this was a plus.
The biggest flaw of this bag over the head was the crappy editing. Who was in charge of this editing team? Our guess was the local center for the blind. Mistakes were made that a dog could've pointed out. The worst being the most blatant continuity error in movie history. We are of course referring to the scene where Buzz magically teleports into the booth at the diner. How could someone fail to notice this obvious mishap? Did anyone actually watch the movie before it was released? We were violently thrown from scene to unnecessary scene while other scenes were cut in mid-dialogue. Also we are still scratching our heads as to why the dune-buggy scene occurred. It's almost as if the director was seriously hurting for two extra minutes to make this a 90-minute flop.
The sad thing about this movie was it really tried. To do what...we don't know. How good can a movie really be, when it centers around someone's footware and characters named Buzz and Critter. By the way, either we're colorblind or those boots were as sliver as a piece of Reynold's Wrap. In conclusion this movie stunk like yesterday's work boots. After this movie was over we took the tape out, strapped on our gold, we mean silver boots and endlessly go-go danced on it until it was damaged beyond repair. If you ever feel the need to rent this movie we suggest you just bag it!
Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)
Howling: New Dud Sinking
We watched this movie expecting the worst. We were already forewarned about its suckiness, but nothing could have prepared us for such crap. Although we didn't see the first 6 movies, we highly doubt that they were this awful. We were confused on the genre of this movie. Was this a comedy, horror, country/western, or some hick's home movie? Our guess was that it was simply stock footage taken from a redneck bar, largely due to the fact that all of the people in the movie kept their real names as character names.
This movie was plagued with numerous flub-ups. Most importantly, there were no werewolves in a movie supposedly about werewolves. Actually, there was one werewolf which appeared in the last 30 seconds of the movie. However, this was hardly a werewolf...it looked more like a person's face was crappily stretched on a computer. This was possibly the worst special effect in movie history. Second, the "actors" looked directly in the camera and it was obvious that they rehearsed their lines to the point of just regurgitation. There were also several unnecessary scenes. One being the endless line dancing. Did someone forget to turn the lights on? We've seen more active dancing at a senior citizens home. The movie really hit a low point when it resorted to using "the old chili makes you fart" joke. This was badly recycled and served no purpose in the movie. Speaking of chili, if one more character had told Pappy there was dirt in the chili, we were going to fart until the end of the movie just to distract ourselves from a weak script. This and other jokes, including the Paula's shirt joke were reused way too much.
This movie was cheaply done and was not the least bit scary. The only "horror" part of the movie was when a tinted red lens killed people. The true horror of this movie was the acting, singing, and dancing of the yokels. It's nice to know in small towns that you can always count on a drunken campfire sing-a-long to drown the pain of multiple homicides. In conclusion, this movie was insufferable and should only be watched if you feel like subjecting yourself to senselessness and incompetence. When the movie was over, we took the tape out of the VCR and stretched it out to pay homage to the worst werewolf morphing job in cinematic history.
Orgy of the Dead (1965)
Origin of the Dud
Was this a movie or a bad dream? If this was a movie, it stunk to high heavens. What Hollywood producer read this script and said "This is a great idea, go with it!" He obviously was either trying to get fired or was completely delusional. This is by far the worst flop that was ever made. It makes movies like Troll 2 and Manos Hands of Fate look like Casablanca and Gone with the Wind.
Basically the ingredients for making Origin of the Dud are as follows: 1. No, and we mean absolutely and positively NO PLOT whatsoever. 2. The worst assemblence of backyard, community theater rejects, who could barely read a cue card. 3. Add in no dialogue. 4. The sounds of flipping cue cards as Criswell stumbles through his lines. 5. A werewolf that was dressed in a K-mart mask and street clothes. 6. A mummy complete in Charmin Soft toilet paper who spoke with a bogus English accent. 7. Use stock footage of a rattlesnake from an elementary school filmstrip 8. And have 85 grueling minutes of dancing packed into a 90-minute bomb.
Lets examine some of the movies lower points. The driving scene in the beginning was just awful. Did anyone notice that when they showed the car driving it was broad daylight and when they showed the couple up close it was as dark as the ace of spades? Unless they were in some kind of freaky tornado or a place where eclipses happen every 30 seconds, this was an obvious mistake. Also, the clod main actor was turning the wheel back and forth and the car wasn't moving. The car was obviously staying stationary while the lame actors stammered through their cue cards with a fan blowing in their face.
Even though its painful just to think about, we have to talk about the dancers. Watching these trailor-faced girls trip all over the set was certainly an endurance test. Each dance consisted of two steps, an overused fog machine, and was accompanied by music from a toy piano. The songs were literally 8 notes constantly repeated. Every time you thought a dance was over, another pot-bellied woman comes out of the cardboard grave to writhe for another 15-minutes. A major movie no-no is switching your main actress mid-movie. Origin of the Dud is guilty of this offense. In fact they switch mid scene. One scene her hair is frizzed and teased to no end, and the next scene the new actress looks like she's wearing a lamp shade.
The only dialogue in this movie is when Criswell shouts "More Gold!" over and over as the men in skirts toss the girl behind, instead of into the pot. This whole movie was just one big mistake. At one point we fell asleep during a dance, woke up a half-hour later and the same girl was dancing. It seems like the producers of this movie only had 90 minutes of tape, so whatever was filmed made it to the movie, including all the mistakes. We can only think of a few reasons why this movie should actually be watched: 1. If you want to torture somebody 2. You want to torture yourself. Finally when this bag over the head was finished we sat there in silence, with our mouths open, pondering what circumstances lead to the creation of such filth. Then, without saying a word, we looked at each other, both got up, took the tape out of the VCR and threw it over our dividing-line property fence.
Ice Cream Man (1995)
Ice Cream Dud
After reading other reviews on this site, we weren't sure if we were going to be able to critique this movie because it didn't sound bad enough. However, 2 minutes into the movie, we knew we were in for another flop. No summer is complete without ice cream, but this movie served up a melted, sour, broken-bottomed ice cream cone (you know, the kind that leaves you sticky and dirty and looking for a wet-nap). The biggest problem with this movie was the plot. What was it? It appeared to be a psychotic ice cream man driving around the neighborhood. That's it. Nothing else happens. First of all, what are the qualifications for becoming an ice-cream man in this crap town? 1. Spend several years in the most ridiculous mental hospital known to man. This hospital was plagued with clowns, graffiti, fake plastic sunflowers, and oversized syringes to the head. 2. Have extremely poor hygiene and a mutant face to scare the kids away. 3. Make sure your truck is stocked with severed body parts, roaches, and don't forget the eye whites!
The actors in this movie are pure B-Movie caliber. Mixed in with a bunch of unknowns is, who other than....a trailer-trash version of Macaulay Culkin!! Even his bratty charm couldn't save this kick in the pants. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason for any of the murders in this movie. The whole concept of the movie reeked! Who would kill an ice cream man in a drive-by shooting? Gangsters? Fiends? Vanna White? Who? We are still struggling with this question.
Whoever was in charge of the wardrobe for this movie should be immediately blacklisted from Hollywood. Did they honestly think a pillow under a kid's shirt would make the audience believe that he was really fat? Did they forget about the arms, face, legs, and all other body parts? Second of all, this movie was made in 1995, yet the wardrobe seemed to be picked from a lame 80's movie, evidenced by the big brother's white, crotch-hugging high-water pants.
While we were watching this shotty production, we both developed severe cases of ADD. We found ourselves leaving the room to walk around aimlessly. At many points it the movie, we found that staring at a blank wall behind the T.V. set was more entertaining than the actual movie. We were stunned that this movie didn't make it to the Bottom 100. Afterwards, we took the tape out of the VCR and left it on the black top to melt like a sub-standard ice cream cone.
Uncle Sam (1996)
Uncle Dud
Just in time for The 4th of July we rented this stinker. Yet instead of fireworks we were left with a strip of soggy duds. I guess the producers of this movie didn't think we could make it to Halloween for another Michael Myers movie so they just spun this blatant rip-off. This movie was plagued with all kinds of errors, plot holes and unrealistic happenings.
Lets start from the beginning. First of all, did anyone think to question the fact that elementary school was still in session in the middle of July. Of course not, that is why this is a B-movie. What about when they ship Uncle Sam's body home to his sister's house. She proceeds to leave the coffin in the middle of the living room for days like its a damn Christmas tree, and had dinner parties without even acknowledging it. Now are we to understand that Sam only kills people that aren't patriotic? If this is the case then why does he kill everybody. Can you say plot holes in a paper thin plot! And what is with this town? How many murders have to happen before they stop their annual redneck dirt celebration!
One of the many whitetrash townies was a child thats in a wheelchair. This kid goes from being an extra in mid-movie to becoming a hero at the end. Probably the most unrealistic story of the movie was how this kid actual became crippled. The story is that he was hurt in some kind of freak firework accident. Now as hard as we try, we can't imagine what kind of firework would leave a kid blind, deformed, confined to a wheelchair with third degree burns...oh and don't forget that the accident left him with a "sixth sense." Did they strap an M80 to his bare spine or what? If this accident was so traumatizing, then why do his parents wait til the 4th of July to take him out. Do they want him to have flashbacks of his near death experience? Also did anybody notice how the other characters in the movie just leave this kid alone on the sidewalk like he's yesterdays trash? This happens quite often.
This picnic was just a real bust. The highlight was an extra long potato-sack race through the woods which was plagued with trippable objects and rusty cars (and probably rusty nails). This is a definite potato-sack no-no! One of the teenagers in the race will just do anything to win. He knocks over everybody from toddlers to elderly women just so he can detour off the trail and roll down a hill for what seems like 10 minutes.
Enough about the mistakes, lets talk about how the movie had several scenes that were in slow-motion just so they could stretch this piece of garbage into 90 minutes. In conclusion this movie stunk. It was just another recycled slasher movie. The only good part was after the credits when they show an out-take of an actor actually being injured, but you have to sit through a poem that sounds like it was written by a third grader. I'm sure someday Christopher Ogden (Jody) will meet up with Michael Stephenson (Joshua from Troll 2) in group therapy and have a good cry over the fact that they both committed career suicide before they hit puberty. This movie was so bad that afterwards we had to break into our 4th of July fireworks early just so we could blow it up.
Troll 2 (1990)
"D.U.D, oh my God, thats Dud spelled backwards"
We can't imagine what circumstances lead to this movie being made. Did somebody lose a bet? Honestly, where did they find these actors, we have a few theories. Theory 1 - These "actors" happened to send their "Win a Starring Roll in Troll 2" cards back first. Theory 2 - The Casting Director stumbled through K-mart in a drunken stupor slurring "Who wants to be in a movie" Theory 3 - when the budget got tight, the Director was forced to employ his babysitter, his paperboy, his hairdresser and his cousin in starring roles. Theory 4 - these people didn't even realize they were being taped.
There is so much wrong with this filth its hard to know where to begin. Lets start with the ridiculous plot. The family exchange program was just ludicrous. How hurting was this family for a vacation that they would agree to such a ridiculous idea. The food issue was also a bogus idea. The family didn't eat for three days and didn't even seem to notice. They also didn't seem to care that all the food was bright green including the butter on the corn and rolls. While we're on the subject of food, we should mention a scene that should've been left on the cutting room floor. I'm speaking of the scene in which the witch seduces the teenage boy with none other than corn on the cob. The scene proceeds to have minimum wage stage hand throwing handfuls of popcorn from behind the camera.
Now the sister in the movie's acting deserves a paragraph all by itself. It had to be the worst display of acting ever, a few choice words to describe her performance would be - horrible, lurid, loathsome, appalling, nausiating, awful. I think she would've faired better in a high school play that was thrown together in a week. We also found it utterly annoying how Joshua and his sister referred to each other as "Big Sister" and "Little Brother". Who talks like this? It's almost as if the screenwriter forgot to proof-read or the actors were just told to make up their lines as they went along. Maybe the writers just worked on the script during the 4 days that this movie was being filmed.
Finally the costumes looked like something you would pick-up the day before Halloween at Family Dollar when all the other costumes were gone. To wrap things up there were a lot of things just unnecessary with this film. The gruesome use and abuse of green food-coloring and sweat plagued this film. The ridiculous scenes involving a bologna sandwich and Joshua urinating on the food were just plain stupid. Without giving away the ending we can honestly say it reeks. After watching this "movie" we had to take long showers to cleanse ourselves from the memories of Troll 2.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Dud-os, the Hands of Fertilizer
This movie was hands-down the worst piece of trash we ever viewed. We don't know what Hal Warren did or said to convince a movie studio to unleash this dud. Did this fertilizer salesman actually think he could entertain somebody by: 1. assembling a cast of slack-jawed yokels, 2. borrowing a road camera from the DMV to film the movie, 3. throwing together a cheap wardrobe that consisted of garments from local rummage and garage sales, and 4. using the same person to dub all of the voices.
Enough about production values, lets now talk about the "plot." The beginning road scene took about 20 minutes of endless driving, in which the car appeared to be driving in all different directions. This seemed to be a theme of the movie, pointless, endless scenes where nothing happens. There was a severe shortage of dialogue in this movie, talk about uncomfortable silences. The only time the silences were broken was when Torgo grunted and groaned, like he was on the toilet. No one is going to believe that this family wants to stay with a half-man, half-goat, stuttering mutant. However, the father kept reassuring his family that everything was all right, even when they found half-naked women chained in the basement. There was a string of scenes which featured a couple making out, that were completely unnecessary. What is the point of this? This couple was making out during the whole span of the movie in the same place.
Basically this movie was the most sloppy piece of cinema ever thrown together. We have an idea. Set up your tri-pod, point it at the toilet, flush it, and put it on a continuous two-hour loop, and it would make for better film. Somehow, our lives are a little bit worse after viewing this bag over the head. We feel tainted by the fate that Manos has set upon us. If you ever come across a copy of Manos at a dingy, run-down video store, dusty and covered with cob-webs, please do your public service, and smash it, then burn it, then bury the ashes in a cool, dry place where not even "the master" can find them.
Kazaam (1996)
Another Slam Dud for Shaq!
We would really like to give this movie a full, detailed review, but unfortunately we periodically left the room for no reason at all just to get away from this brutal disgrace of a movie. First of all, this movie appeared to have a large budget, yet the director clearly forgot to address Max's snaggle tooth. With all the special effects in this movie, they could've at least made this kid look like he kept a dentist appointment. Now, let's move on to the major flaw of this movie--Shaq. It appears that this guy can do it all--play basketball, rap, and act. However, these last two things are severely lacking. His raps consist of such memorable lines as, "I'll be the cream for your coffee," "I'll green eggs and ham it," and "fresh out the box like a premature burial." This rap song was awful....it was right up there with his breakthrough flops "I'm Outstanding" and "Biological Didn't Bother." Possibly the worst scene of the movie was the recycled after-school special speech by the soon-to-be step-father, Travis. We cringed when we heard Travis reassure Max that he would not take the place of his father. There were a lot of unnecessary scenes with Max's father that we left the room for. However, when we returned we caught the tail-end of some poorly acted "bad-guy" scenes. This movie was plagued with weak walk-on parts, such as 'Da Brat and Spinderella. We found it very preposterous how Shaq became a pop music icon after "rapping" one stinkin' song in a dingy club. We also found the recycled "school is cool" message to be extremely played. In particular where Shaq plays Max's tutor (a job that seemed extremely far-fetched for Shaq). In this movie, Shaq claims that he is more intelligent than a Harvard grad. Once again, this is just stupid. In reality, Shaq has the equivalent of a 5th grade education, as evidenced by his stammering as he struggles through the cue cards. Overall, this movie is unbearable and painful to watch. Shaq should really look into other hobbies in the off-season, and Francis Capra should receive dental assistance before even thinking about going to another audition.
Fever Lake (1997)
Lake Dud
What isn't wrong with this movie? First of all, lets start with the ridiculous use of stock footage from a discovery channel program about wolves, terribly edited into the movie. Next... the use of a white man in the role of the Indian, who by the way, couldn't act a lick. We also see some of the worst acting from the worst assemblance of has-beens. Corey Haim and Mario Lopez should immediately fire their agents. Nothing in this movie made any sense. Talk about huge plot holes! There is about 78 continuity errors. What power of evil are we dealing with here? The evil that bubbles from the lake has such random, ludicrous powers that control a wolf, can make cars mysteriously run out of gas, knows how to use a laptop computer and can turn our beloved Corey Haim into a raving psycho. This movie is the biggest bag over the head. There seems like there are four movies intertwined into one awful plot. Some scenes should have been left on the cutting room floor, especially any involving the incompetent police officer who wore the same jeans throughout the movie. Can we get a better wardrobe budget please! All in all, this movie looks like it cost $1000 to make and grossed even less. However, if you want a good laugh, watch this movie. You'll chuckle at the fact that Corey haim is 35 years old and once again playing a teenager. Will this guy ever escape typecasting? The sad fact is, the director didn't even think to shave Haim's dirtstache before shooting. This movie should have been called "Script should have been thrown in the lake". I actually felt nauseous after viewing this piece of garbage. I totally lost faith in the American filmmakers guild. I don't know how this movie made it to HBO or let alone was funded for. The more I think about it, the more it has become clear to me that everybody should see this movie just to laugh and realize that Hollywood is spuing us a huge pile of puke.
C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud (1989)
D.U.D. II - Dud the Chump
Where to begin with this flop of a dud. Lets start with the pathetically weak acting coupled with the paper thin plot. Now, neither of us have seen the first D.U.D. movie, and after viewing this nightmare of modern cinema, we have no desire to ever talk, listen or think about anything associated with the D.U.D sequel. There were several problems that plagued this film. First and foremost is the inconsistent behavior of the Chuds. Were these creatures supposed to be scary. After several scenes with Chud chantings (meat, eat, buffet, rah rah rah), a choreographed Thriller dance took place unexpectedly. This is hardly scary. The scary part was the music that accompanied the Chuds every time they searched for their prey. What was this noise pollution that the producers of this movie subjected us to. Basically, it was lyrical brilliance (dada dada da Bud the Chud). Now the whole point of the movie was that the Chuds supposedly ate people, yet nobody ever got eaten. They just were transformed into Chuddy Duddies and once again a recycled plot (Night of Living Dead) rears its ugly chuddy head. Another fatal flaw and unnecessary plot twist was Dud the Chump falling in love with Katie. It caused him to turn into a pathetic whiney wimp in which he says "Hi" in a very feminine voice and continues his sappy behavior by ripping out his heart. Another just flat out stupid scene was the Chud trying to pick up his head as it rolled around the woods. And what was with this research center? It was as accessible as a public phone booth. I guess anyone who needs a diseased dead body can pop in late at night and take one. And the computers at this place looked like Lite-Brites. We really don't feel like wasting anymore time reviewing this movie so we'll be brief about the mistakes - fake fish at the mall, fake stuffed poodle, one bullet causes a car to explode, the speed of the gurny as it exits the school changes abruptly, and plot holes dealing with main characters chudimizing without any explanation. Without revealing the ending we can honestly say it stunk to high heavens. It just made no sense, you have to see it to know what we're talking about. We both had to watch this movie in installments because we kept falling asleep from boredom. Afterwards we took the $0.79 five-day rental out of the VCR and it chuddimized right before our eyes.