matrix29 Reviews

The Office (2005–2013)

What can I say, but YAWN!

[2/10 · 20 January 2016]

This series is DEADLY DULL. It has some occasional candy in the form of comedy. But like any failure comedy show, the comedy is rare and thin.

The British series "THE OFFICE" at least had a number of comedy talents with the star Ricky Gervais whom is supremely skilled in physical comedy, comedic timing, the ability to do ranges from self-embarrassment comedy to brilliant awkward pauses. This man was the backbone of the British series "THE OFFICE".

What is the American series "THE OFFICE"? Flat delivery, poor timing, awkward pauses without any running gag rewards, haughty snootiness with no character depth, and many failures on the basic delivery of comedic function. Imagine one of your aunt's, long dull rambling stories with no interesting characters and no delivery in value for your time wasted. Imagine if all your music was bland and unfulfilling. Imagine if your point was pointless and irritating. That is the American version of "THE OFFICE". There is no reason for it to exist at all. On the upside, there is no talent squandered in the American version of "THE OFFICE". It is merely a dumping ground for boring people in a pointless series that gives no message, has no value, begins not only to breed contempt and wallows in disgust with no personal shame.

Wonder Woman (2011 TV Movie)

JUMP CUT Gang-Bang

[2/10 · 6 December 2015]

Wonder Woman starts out with her chasing a shaved guy (shaved head, shaved eyebrows) down a street. In order to "make this chase exciting" they use a horizontal line effect which makes the video look amazingly worse than most effects used in 1970's TV.

We get introduced to Diana Themyscira (Die Anna The Mascara). She is the CEO of Themyscira Industries which survives on the sale of a plastic action figure doll. And that's the high point of this series. There is a subplot about some black guy getting a college scholarship and then dying from the anthrax spores they included for free in the envelope and something plotwise about "steroid-growth hormone" drugs killing six boring people. Which is an excuse to do even more jump cuts on the irritating TV Pilot. Every time Wonder Woman commits a crime (Slander, Physical Assault, Violations of Airspace without Flight Plans, Breaking & Entering, etc) she smirks... slowly... and then we get more jump cuts.

What do you get for tolerating watching this series. JUMP CUTS. ENDLESS JUMP CUTS. If you watch this, you will be unlikely to be able to find a whole 20 seconds of filming without a jump cut. It is frankly nauseatingly repulsive. The series gave me a throbbing headache from 10 minutes in.

Like all lousy CW NETWORK Superhero DC Comics series, the dialog is snippy, dull, like a lousy soap opera, boring as the wretchedly stupid CSI series (every scene ends with an accusation or DUHN noise tone). In terms of production values this series pilot is more confusing than inviting. The set decoration is not horrible, but it is confused. The flying scenes are, for lack of a better word, inane rather than interesting. The female hair is good. The special effects for the warehouse fight is so desperate to match the fighting style of "The 300" movies it is embarrassing. There's a scene where she argues with one of her employees over the size of the tits of her action figure and that is just so amazingly stupid on so many levels if I were watching this on TV, I would have switched to anything else, even an infomercial to purge this lousy experience from my brain.

The costume isn't the worst Wonder Woman outfit (the Batman & Superman movie is going to get that dishonor with her leather sack). She is probably the worst Wonder Woman actress so far in terms of lack of charm, lack of making the audience feel invited in, lack of being anything but irritating (the obsessive frantic jump cuts are mostly the guilty party though). Gal Gadot is probably going to steal "Worst Wonder Woman" title pretty easily though (scrawny stick-girl with boobs and no personality). So there's that level of forgiveness for Adrianne Palicki who probably did the best she could with the crappy TV Pilot with the CW Channel style of spastic jump-cut-every-10-seconds that was handed her. And this TV Pilot at least wasn't as horrible as ego-mooch Halle Berry's 2-hour enema of a "CATWOMAN" insult movie.

Instant Rage (1989)

Kind of a dull movie

[4/10 · 5 April 2015]

It starts with a European ninja in a black togs shooting magic out of his fingertips to kill two guys in the woods.

Then we cut to the main plot of villagers being terrorized by a local mob. Most of the plot involves this subject matter.

The ninjas come back about 30 minutes later with a European "student ninja" in a white outfit fighting his master (the bad ninja introduced at the beginning).

Then it cuts back to the populace being bothered by bad guys again.

The ninjas are only indirect aspects of this movie. Like spliced in footage from a different movie entirely. They never encounter the main characters and are unreferenced by the main characters. They are just very short filler bits (under 5 minutes each for the 4 scenes) to allow better VHS box art.

The alternate title I just updated lists this movie as "THUNDER SCORE" (no previous listings at IMDb). Thunder Score https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIsGjYYfn2c

Paul (2011)

Don't waste your time or money on this lame movie.

[2/10 · 1 August 2014]

First, the good points of the movie. The photography is good, even in dim light, the images are clear and sharp. The audio (what there is of it) is well-recorded.

There you go. Enjoy.

Now onto the bad points. The script was probably about 2 pages long. There isn't enough dialog to fill even that much up. One hour per page of movie. One episode of the comedy series "ALF" has more comedy than this entire movie. And "ALF" has a more interesting character, a more engaging alien character, and a better family to play the comedy bits off of.

The plot itself is lazy. Obscenely lazy. Rage-inducing-lazy. Here is the plot. Two British men-children (Simon Pegg is losing what made his character so interesting in "Shawn of the Dead") go visit the town of Roswell, after they damage the truck of two also-boring characters, a car crashes in front of their rented Camper-Truck. Inside is the Grey Alien that calls himself "Paul". He can turn invisible, heal wounds, bring things back to life, and transmit information by touch (think of the alien character of "Roger" from the "American Dad" cartoon, but 1000 times less interesting). A FBI guy and two "Men in Black" (actually employees of the Roswell Tourist Industry) chase after the alien "Paul" and the dull man-child characters driving the camper-truck.

Blah blah blah, they end up accidentally kidnapping a rest stop's partially-blind Fundamentalist daughter. Blah blah blah, she gets "divine knowledge" from Paul and becomes a toilet-mouthed non-Christian jerk. Plot continues with 3 sets of people chasing the irritatingly-uninteresting men-children. By now this movie should be the standard chase-movie buddy-comedy high-excitement thrill-ride.

Right? Okay, so WHY IS THE MOVIE SO INTENSELY BORING? Rude-language is not a shocker when the populace no longer regards it as shocking. Where is the humor, the character interest, the dialog, the action? Go rent either versions of the movie "It's a Mad Mad Mad World" or even a Mel Brooks movie or better yet, the Chevy Chase & Goldie Hawn movie "Foul Play". That's how you do an exciting comedy "Road Trip" movie.

This movie is just DULL DULL DULL. It plods along with the robotic predictability of dominoes being knocked over. No real surprises, dialog so sparse you could pad it out with the rise & fall of 10 empires. This is, by far, the most uninteresting & least entertaining movie Simon Pegg has ever appeared in. If you rented this movie, enjoy the nice boring pictures and the clear audio, because they chew through the two pages of dialog at about 5 minutes per paragraph.

My recommendation. DO NOT buy this movie. DO NOT rent this movie. IGNORE IT. It does not exist and did never exist. Otherwise you will be very angry at Simon Pegg and his fat fart joke balloon buddy, the human Whoopie Cushion. This isn't a movie, it is Exhibit A for a lawsuit of Entertainment Fraud.

Short Term 12 (2013)

Agonizingly Dull, boring shallow characters, Jiggly Cam, and tedium for all

[1/10 · 18 January 2014]

Wow, so this movie was about a Foster Care home? So far I've watched a full hour of the 90 minute movie and seriously I cannot name a single one of the characters.

We have beardy guy who tells an opening tell of following an escaped kid off campus and then beardy poops himself on the bus. It gets interrupted by a kid trying to sprint off grounds.

That is the high point of the long dull tale. No joke.

Then we meet the kids (names not remembered at all). The story then drags on in a dreamy Jiggly Cam manner for 50 more minutes. We meet the black untalented rapper who mumbles (that's his entire characterization). We meet the self-cutter girl who has zero value to the story until an hour later when she tells a rip-off octopus & shark themed knockoff tale of "The Giving Tree". The main female staff character reveals she is pregnant with beardy guy's baby and has no value to the story for about 60 minutes into it and the camera follows her every dull minute of existence.

These characters are shallower than beer coasters and less interesting than anything that you'd find written on a beer coaster.

You can keep about 8 minutes of the movie start, cut out 50 minutes of the movie after that and lose nothing at all. It picks up at about 65 minutes in, but frankly I think any audience not watching this on Cable TV or the Internet has all walked away by now. In fact, I am walking away from this movie after enduring 73 minutes of DULL DULL DULL moron-characters. It has no reward so far for enduring it at all.

World War Z (2013)

World War Z - Rate by Movie or Rate by Book Divergence?

[2/10 · 2 July 2013]

I am an owner & reader of Max Brook's book "World War Z". As such, it is difficult to rate this movie as a stand-alone viewing rather than in reference to the book. If you loved the book, you will only have the barest whiff of the "World War Z" flavor, kind of like walking past a restaurant and smelling the food.

*EDIT* It has been a few days later and my anger at the sheer NAME STEALING FRAUD of this movie has sunk in while my anger has gone into a full boiling froth. I originally rated this as "6" being generous to the movie as itself (it not having any relation to the book except for stealing the name of it). So I am altering my rating to reflect this rage and Brad Pitt's (actor & producer of this movie) fraudulent divergence from the well-written book "WORLD WAR Z". If there is a real movie based on the "WORLD WAR Z" book out later, I will rate it fairly. Since this movie is a FRAUD stealing the name of the book, I am now rating this as a "2". Avoid this movie, you time & money is worth more than this vapid rip-off of a movie. *END EDIT*

What is not in the movie? No traveling reporter unraveling the aftermath as the book did. No "Battle of Yonkers", no family reduced to cannibalism at a chilly Canadian lake, no "Battle of Hope" (where the army use the "Cherry Popper" incendiary bullets to roast the undead's brains, no Japanese survival experience with the Otaku & his blind gardener guardian. Pretty much NOTHING in the "World War Z" book appears in this movie (remember the good old days when charges of CRIMINAL FRAUD would be pressed and the movie producers sued for dishonest advertising practices, ah the good old days).

The barest SNIFF of the flavor of the book and in that you'll feel deeply cheated. So now that this is out of the way, we move onto looking at the movie as a "Stand-Alone Fame-Thief" using the book as a way to coax viewers in to watch a knock-off lesser quality imitation.

The story is pretty much Brad Pitt's character, "Gerry Lane", being a member of the United Nations with his family on the run from the devouring hordes. In that value, it is a fairly decent 1960's or 1970's style zombie-flick. If you rate it by itself, it is tolerable, but somewhat dumb, yet not painfully so.

Of the locations referenced in the "World War Z" book (you know, the book that coaxed you into seeing this movie), only the escape from Israel is vaguely in parity to what the audience desired (much like the "Walking Dead" television series has turned into an episodic series about the occasional undead attack while being filled to the brim with packing peanuts of idiots grousing snootily at each other).

Sadly "World War Z" the movie has borrowed heavily from "28 Days Later" (fast undead, 12 seconds to zombie conversion) and thrown all plausible physics out the window. What do you know about POWERLIFTERS? What can they lift at the record? 1268 lbs. Average human weight = 135 pounds, result, at your healthiest in perfect muscular fitness you can only support 9.3 humans. The human ladder in Israel would collapse at the height of 9 humans if all the humans were record-setting powerlifters. Undead, rotting humans, of average to lesser build, average weight? You'd be stomping through the ligaments at best when they hit 3 deep in Human Pyramid height. Let's not even get into the "magnetic flying CGI corpse" absurdity in the movie (worse than some of the Gary's Mod animations poking fun with Team Fortress).

Well, onto the good points. Brad Pitt is handsome. His real-life freakshow wife Angela DUCKFACE and her mini-multicult "Captain Planet" stereotype squad are not in this movie (yeah imagine being Brad Pitt and going home to something that looks like The Octomom every night, UGH!). Some of the other bearded leading men are rather exceptionally handsome, especially in the rained out base in Korea. The zombies are a tolerable movie plot threat, but comically CGI-animated when dragged about in reticulated spline clumps by their wrists like a poor POSER 3 models. If you plug your ears you can enjoy Brad Pitt being handsome without any stupid plot being too distracting, unfortunately he never loses his pants and only lifts up his shirt for a bit near the end without going bare-chested. Calling the movie "World War Z" is a pretty huge stretch, but Brad Pitt remains delightfully handsome with an ever so cute pouty face.

There is also some nonsense at the end about making themselves not-so-tasty to the undead by injecting themselves with a case of the Terminal Spinal Herpes which somehow is detected by MAGIC ZOMBIE VISION, but that is silly and dumb and only fit for 1950's corny Sci-Fi movies where the world is saved by aliens coming down with a case of Jersey Shore Gonorrhea from the Snookie-Monster. Ah, but Brad Pitt remains handsome for now, so if you like Brad Pitt then go see this movie as it is a tolerably forgettable "action flick" (which is a huge insult to the universe presented in the "World War Z" books). Oh well, vote with your dollars. If you hate his freakshow wife, DUCKFACE Jolie, then don't see it and she'll have to start a "Up With Pol Pot" singing group and go on inane road tours.

G.I. Joe: D-Day at Alcatraz: Part 1 (1990) Season 1, Episode 15

This episode typifies the problems with the GI Joe DIC Series

[15 June 2012]

Cobra is captured easily (they surrender) by GI Joe at their Lapland Base and taken to Alcatraz Prison (recommissioned as a prison once again exclusively for captured Cobra troops). Cobra Commander reveals on the boat ride (in full Cobra uniforms and Metalhead retains possession of his backpack-mounted missiles) to the island jail that this is a scheme to steal the new Comstock Load submarine which has a shipyard very close to Alcatraz. When the Cobra troops arrive on the island they are issued prison uniforms (but Cobra Commander retains ownership of his metal helmet, Destro retains possession of his gold helmet, Metalhead retains his communication eyepiece and curiously all Cobra characters retain their Cobra uniforms under their prison garb in direct violation of obvious weapons & armor rules in prison). There is a subplot about the "Ghost of Alcatraz" to enable Metalhead to play up his comedic relief Norville "Shaggy" Rogers imitations. (GH-G-GHOST!)

In the kitchen Cobra Commander contacts the Baroness through Metalhead's communication eyepiece to attack the island prison. There is a short pie fight at the "RAW DOG PIE SHOP" (?!?) in which Cobra Troops and the Baroness are stealing pies (?!?) but is used to establish the plot point that the informant noted at the beginning of the episode was a Cobra agent in disguise. Alcatraz Prison is then attacked, taken over, Destro uses a voice modifying device to impersonate Pathfinder's voice to delay GI Joe's retaking of the island. Pathfinder is jailed with the female Warden while Metalhead does more Shaggy impersonations. There are some land-based battles with tanks to obtain control of the Comstock Load submarine (which is rather silly tactically as controlling an island base is only valuable for sea or air attack given that boating in tanks is more cost efficient tactically to drop at the attack point and not an island THEN later a shipbuilding dock). Granted there is a water-based attack later, but it is all tactically inane. Cobra Commander and the Baroness steal the submarine to reveal that the secret weapon was a "PM Generator" (EMP - electromagnetic pulse) that protects the submarine and disables weaponry at a radius of 5 miles.

The reason this episode is problematic is that the forced comedy and often less creative "World Domination Schemes". Stealing a submarine with a defense barrier is a workable tactical move (force the enemy to destroy their own military might), but not much of a World Domination game. Capturing a prison is workable, but usually to gain reinforcements or free a prized ally. The main rule of ground combat is that it can be easy to capture a land, but is often very expensive to hold a captured zone (you have to leave troops & weaponry vulnerable while tactically those troops could be used to eliminate enemy troops). Most of these DIC GI Joe episodes seem to be irksome filler material, chatter, barely comedic "BOINK!" sound effects, and time-wasting. Very little involves tactical maneuvers or serious World Domination Schemes. The GI Joe troops seem a tad more realistic (bumbling, thoughtless, easily captured), but only because Cobra has been neutered to a less threatening status.

Heartbeeps (1981)

Slow but charming in a way

[6/10 · 27 March 2011]

HEARTBEEPS is a movie about a pair of malfunctioning companion androids returned to the factory for repairs. A simple conversation about mutual shared functions progresses to a trip to the woods with a 'Catskill' comedy unit (that has a vocal patterned after Rodney Dangerfield). They determine that stealing a UPS P-600 type truck. They assemble another small child-minded robot 'child' to tote spare parts and begin to slowly treat it as their son. Meanwhile the inventory staff notice the robots were missing and begin a search, however, the overheard conversation with the factory boss unknowingly gives a malfunctioning 'Crimebuster Deluxe' robot the purpose to hunt down and return the 3 missing robots. The factory inventory employees are also now tasked with locating and retrieving the missing androids, but their paths do not cross with the overactive Crimebuster unit. During the story, both androids slowly discover their love for each other and the desire to make the best life possible for the child they built together. When the android duo deduce that their child will need to have some sort of purpose or it will be discarded or destroyed by the humans, the kindly scrapyard owners note that they should take their child to the factory to give the child a purpose. The android family now begins slow walk back to the robot factory, but their power packs are now running very low.

The plot itself is fairly charming if you are not too impatient about the slow pace or the overly redundant dialog. This isn't an action movie or even a sexy romance flick, but just a simple lightly romantic science-fiction movie with rather good makeup and nice special effects (but the effects are not plot-mover item for the story as is common with the movies these days). It aims for a charming fanciful mindset and achieves it, but the pacing is too slow and the story dialog so thin that it really does not have enough "oomph" to give an emotional investment from the audience. HEARTBEEPS is a slow yet charming movie with sadly not enough script or philosophy to fill out the movie runtime. I find I rather like it for what it wanted to be, but many people will not appreciate that and be disappointed. I think this could be remade today (now that audiences are more accepting of science fiction in general) with a similar budget and a complex conceptually expanded script and succeed as a charming sci-fi family movie.

Bob the Butler (2005)

One of the few movies in which Tom Green was not repulsive

[6/10 · 25 April 2010]

It appears Tom Green has gotten over trying to be Alan Funt's vulgar imitation and is actually not trying to actively repulse his audiences for once.

This movie is plotted rather bland and predictable for the most part. The camera-work is acceptable, the audio soundtrack is okay, the audio editing is only slightly above sub par (sharp audio cuts in musical tracks rather than volume fades plus failure to score out scene music to proper lengths to fit the mood and failure to gauge spoken audio levels in many scenes to emphasize emotional shifts).

As for the plot, a man who gets fired regularly from jobs gets butler training, takes over for a neurotic woman's babysitter as a butler, predictable boring bratty kid events occur, non-prudish butler guy eventually adapts and bonds with kids, neurotic woman views butler as potential father figure, butler quits job for professional reasons, woman chases after butler, butler marries woman becomes father to kids. It was nice to see that Tom Green can not make a repulsive jackass of himself for once although the movie is boring as all heck.

The Killing Room (2009)

Moronic. MK-PATRIOT is a worse lethal threat to America than the CIA's payrolled Al-Queda employees

[1/10 · 3 December 2009]

Implausible. Moronic. Idiotic.

So we've got a group of anti-American scientists running a MK-ULTRA program using a classified advert in the newspaper. Through the course of the moronic program they MURDER AT LEAST 79 Americans DAILY (statistic quoted is 1 in 20 pass the first 4 stages -- thusly 20 rooms of 4 American victims each minus 1 survivor to move to the Indoctrination Phase) to gain 1 suicide bomber. Now let us say that in one year of the program you end up getting 365 MK-PATRIOT suicide bombers (unlikely given the whole "second phase" nonsense), then these "Patriotic Scientists" have MURDERED 29200 Americans. With 8 years of anti-American George Walker Bush continual High Treason, that is a pointless murder rate of at least 233600 Americans. Of course, to be fair, the whole "Iraq has Weapons of Mass Destruction" High Treason levels of fraud has resulted currently in the pointless deaths of 4284 named American soldiers with an 30182 wounded rate (official Government and usually fraudulent numbers) That is up to the average of pointless mass murder Americans by every Republican President.

And we have to figure in that there will be some flunk-outs also resulting in further murders against American civilians. Oh yeah, the movie is a bit of a ride to the final bits, but if you can rub 2 brain cells together to a human level of comprehension the result is a movie that is utterly worthless. Only a completely insane mathematically-incompetent scientist would agree to this idea at all.

The only plausible idea would be that a cocaine-addicted moron of a fake President whom is the son of a Nazi cocaine-trafficking kingpin would consider this a "equitable trade off". God knows the psychotic godless Republican Party would sign off on this with big grins.

This movie deserves much less than a 1 star rating.

Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

Beautiful SUPERB special effects -- Island of Retarded Monsters

[4/10 · 19 October 2009]

For the first 30 minutes you get to met Max. Max needs serious psychological consoling and probably medication for his manic depressive wild mood swings. Max bites his mother, runs away from home, finds a boat, sails away, ends up on the "Island of Retarded Monsters".

The good point is the regular lingering menace given off by the monsters (in the same way you would feel as if you were the smartest child born into a home of violent mentally-unstable mostly-intoxicated retards who tend to be nice for the most part and evil to the core when they are angry or confused).

That at least retains the "monster" part of the monsters despite the short average-sounding human names in the movie. In fact, most of these monsters you could grow to love one-by-one (when they are not being violent threatening retards) if they were separated from the bad influence of each other. As a gang though, the uncomfortable air of menace is constant.

I figure the story was a way of the author retelling his troubled childhood growing up in a home of violently abusive incompetent alcoholic retarded dimwits who were in such a constant state of stupor it was a wonder any of them survived (not that the burning bones of the previous failed "king" AKA "problem solver" AKA "stranger not born into the psychotic redneck clan"). The special effects though are SUPERB, despite the whole story being SLOOOOOOW and depressing for the most part tale and also being like a week living with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family or the Charles Manson Family after they've freshly murdered a stranger passing near their property.

Also note that it appears that Max and the Retard Monsters never needed to eat (the retard monsters being filled with magical sawdust or sand for some reason) or drink water or poop for the entire time of the tale. I would've given this a much lower rating if not for the acting quality, the special effects quality, and the quest for finding out what made the story work or author write this tale.

Wilder Napalm (1993)

Great movie well worth buying on DVD

[10/10 · 17 November 2008]

The characters were alive and interesting, the plot was excellently paced, the pyro effects were masterfully accomplished, and it takes a basic love triangle story and tosses in a science-fiction element into it. I could identify with many of the characters and their motivations made logical rational sense in the framework of the story.

The camera-work was great, the audio clear and accurate, the background music perfectly chosen for effect, the singing firemen a nice talented memorable oddity, the sets brilliantly crafted, and the special effects performed with a skilled talent.

I am a tad puzzled how an entire mini-carnival in a chain-store's parking lot could be powered by one single lamppost outlet. That seems impossible to say the least. The fight between the brothers near the end of the movie was brilliant though. Having Jim Varney in a non-clown role was a wonderful touch too as played the semi-serious role of a carny very well.

Transmorphers (2007 Video)

Transmorphers - A unique concept

[1/10 · 11 November 2008]

I caught this movie about a half hour into the movie on cable. The movie has no audio mood setting bits to diminish the cruddy dialog. Generally I have seen nothing worth watching at this point.

I am cheering on the "killer robots" even though I haven't seen them. The "heroes" are all such whiny in-fighting petty jerks that if this is all that remains of humanity, the world is better off without these pathetic morons. The dialog is so agonizingly trite and bad I find it difficult to endure the idea of watching 5 more minutes.

Okay, moved into 45 minutes into the movie. The killer robots have appeared (moderately passable CGI, but pretty poor motion scripting) and the moron gang of humans are fighting them. Sadly at 50 minutes in, none of the humans have died. The dialog is still badly ripped off "generic drama" lines from many better action flicks. The human characters are as dull and generic as the "enemy robots" and there are no characters which are notable or even describable. One of the female characters is apparently an realistic human-appearing android, but I've already lost interest or caring about whom it was.

Some of the real set pieces seem moderately passable although they have a flat unrealistic "matte painting" background for the wide outdoor shots (which is a weird choice given that if you have CGI creatures, having a 3D CGI background is the only logical choice). A notable bit in the movie is that at the one-hour mark one of the generic uninteresting female General declares that they need to rescue a woman because "She's my wife". I'm personally trying to figure out just what genre this is so awfully trying to ripoff. It is a "Command & Conquer" setting or a lousy interpretative of the "Battlemech" concept or a cruddy ripoff of some episode of the animated "Starship Troopers: Roughnecks" series.

Well, at any rate I am bored to my limit on this movie. I just want to walk up and slap every idiot given a line of dialog and say, "STOP HAMMING IT UP YOU RETARD!" Oh well, changing channels now. I hope the killer (alien - learned that around the 55 minute mark) robots win and all these lame bad imitations of humans die horribly. Please have these characters all die horribly.

Kidco (1984)

Pretty watchable movie

[9/10 · 3 October 2008]

KIDCO is a very watchable movie about children creating a Fertilizer Distribution Business, resulting in these children being sued by a rival Fertilizer Salesman (the character of Orville Peterjohn) who once held local dominance in town. Orville Peterjohn, angry at losing his monopoly on his Fertilizer Sales business decides to sue KIDCO under a variety of corporate regulations, state requirements for submitting documentation to the variety of agencies as well as failure to pay sales tax. The courtroom drama being precisely a strong Conservative message (without dipping into hysterical rants) about how there are too many forms to submit for approval in the basic creation of a new business entity. The movie plays out with some tiny "twist surprises" in the courtroom scene, but at no time drives off into insultingly stupid territory or insults the children as human beings or insults the legal system (as it is) despite having the courts becoming "the tool of oppression" working on the behest of the character of Orville Peterjohn.

The children here are wonderfully sane, rational, logical, emotionally normal, and very human. The courts, family, and townspeople all remain believable human beings and not grotesque insane idiotic parodies of human beings as is so common in "children's entertainment" these days. The movie moves through the story at an enjoyable energetic pace and did not bore me as a viewer. There are no explosions or cartoon characters or "zany sound effects" or digital animation, just regular human people of a normal intelligence level sanely seeking to better themselves and their families with creative wit and enduring the challenges of a short realistic courtroom drama about defending their interests from the tyranny of a business rival.

My summation is that this movie is wonderfully not insulting to the intelligence of the children or the adults viewing this movie.

If your children are vapid overstimulated psychotic idiots, then you should take them to go see "The Bee Movie". If you want better for your children and your children want a better life for themselves, then get them a copy of this movie.

======== KIDCO did have a few minor audio editing problems (no audible audio distortion or distracting unnatural audio noises, just a bit more editing was needed to lessen standard human audio of feet shuffling bodies as they flump into a sitting position on chairs and so on). The movie was professionally lit and framed to best set the proper mood for the movie in a natural manner. The acting was exceptional for a movie for children and the script, although only simplistic at points to not drag the movie into tedium.

Ron Rifkin provides a very comprehensive (and handsomely bearded) performance as the lawyer for the plaintiff.

Knocked Up (2007)

Great movie, hits all the targets brilliantly

[10/10 · 27 June 2008]

Normal guys are not constantly serious. Men have hopes, dreams, fears, the need to relax, and lots of illusions of how things might be. Watching "Knocked Up" really makes me see the Judd Apatow was not the cause of "Don't Mess With the Zohan" being an unfunny unentertaining bore-fest. Judd Apatow's writing and direction in this movie keeps the scene pacing clean and the movie flows smoothly to each plot point. Judd makes each character believable with interesting complexities. Judd Apatow has a highly introspective mind which can detail the personalities of a person so that the viewer relates to the unspoken thoughts reflected in the faces of the brilliant actors & actresses.

The characters were a bit generic in design, but perfectly fit this movie pitched to an audience of men deciding whether to commit to a marriage and raising an unexpected child.

Seth Rogen plays the non-serious guy wanting a life of easy pleasure and no responsibility. Katherine Heigl plays the funny sexy idealized wonderful girlfriend (bizarrely ignorant of popular entertainment) who is okay with the non-serious guy, but starts needing a guy who can be reliable and trustworthy when the baby is due. Paul Rudd plays the pussy-whipped husband who is highly reliable and has a good-paying job, but is slowly dying inside from his over-bearing snippy constantly judgmental nightmare wife. Leslie Mann has the hardest role here as "The Nightmare Wife" in that she plays the shrew wife which unforgivably picks at constant irrelevant flaws because she is scared and bored and unhappy and unable to deny she is getting older as well as slightly less attractive. However, Leslie Mann's character is also highly supportive of her sister and she is serious and focused about dealing with life's difficulties and is thusly a highly desirable woman of character to have around even if she is an unreasonable highly demanding witch for 90% of her life. Leslie Mann has the hardest character to play because she will be the one that everyone is programmed to hate (note that she is ACTING and this character should not be considered to be the real life Leslie Mann in the same way that Ron Perlman is not a superhero demon or an alien or a circus strongman).

The only flaw I can find with the movie is the problem of people doing whatever they desire and then dealing with the consequences haphazardly afterward (as this was the punchline to the movie "Idiocracy"). However, life happens that way and this movie sells the idea that even though the circumstances are not ideal, they are tolerable and common and workable no matter how much they do not mesh with your dreams and plans.

I highly recommend this movie for viewing even though it is a sales pitch.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan (2008)

The South Park manatees were working hard on this movie

[2/10 · 21 June 2008]

The upside of this movie is that Adam Sandler looks pretty hot with a beard or goatee. That's pretty much it for the good points. The scenes are in focus plus well decorated, the lighting is good, the sound is audible with many of the voiced redubbed fairly clearly, the special effects shots are competently handled, and the clothing looks appropriate for the settings.

I did like a number of the actresses playing customers in the hair salon. These wonderful women (under-appreciated for not having "super pretty young girl looks") were about the only high points of the movie. Ido Mosseri playing the "best friend" role while not being not too obnoxious for an Adam Sandler movie helped pull many of the horribly acted scenes together and he is well-suited for a major movie role so long as he does not become ego-blinded. Emmanuelle Chriqui played her role well. Lainie Kazan performed well too and worked well with Ido Mosseri.

Now onto the major flaws in the movie. STORYBOARDING - Far too many scenes don't know how to frame Adam Sandler's spastic ego-blinded movements to appear as "a guy who is in charge while not caring how the world sees him" versus having him really appear as he really is, "a guy going through worthwhile emotional growth with wisdom but coming off as a dorky spazz with too much pushy power for his own good to listen to people noting that to everyone else he is acting like a big dorky spazz drunk on power".

DIRECTION - Adam Sandler though was indulged in far too many shots that never worked for the betterment of the movie. The camera placements on the stunt effects resulted in the least impressive reactions to the shots. I think perhaps that this movie needed an oppressive laugh track to cover up the fact that none of the scenes ever reached a "funny" status.

WRITING - Much of the movie was brought down by the lame 35-year-out-of-date stereotypes. This weakness oddly enough was a bonus in noting how severely retarded the Middle Eastern nations are morally and ethically and culturally. I am conflicted on whether using the stereotypes (with super-lame outdated stereotype dialog) was some kind of deep political plotting to undermine much of the severely retarded culture of the Middle Eastern nations or just crappy hack writing from a giddy comedy writer smoking too much weed while the sober people around them groan in unentertained boredom. The humus running gag just never really worked.

ACTING - Although many of the secondary actors performed superbly and sold me on their characters, some stand out as just getting worse and worse with each future role. Adam Sandler was brilliant in "CLICK" but here he doesn't seem to be able to comprehend any remote concept of whether the scene that was just shot was "funny". Sandler seriously needs to hire some smart unprejudiced fanboy or clever fangirl of MST3K to review shot scenes and detail what worked comedy-wise and what failed. This is not an understatement. Rob Schneider was great in "Deuce Bigalow", but he also needs to hire some secondary person who is not a butt-kisser to tell him whether his scenes are funny or not funny and why specifically the not-funny failed. I am trying to be kind as possible, but frankly this movie is proof that Adam Sandler no longer has any clue why people found him amusing (in the same way that Tom Green no longer has a clue that he was funny for rehashing a slightly more perverse version of Allen Funt's CANDID CAMERA gags). Kevin Nealon failed to sell his briefly seen character and seems to have forgotten how to act entirely despite his hilarious skill in SNL. I wonder if Kevin Nealon has been afflicted with some level of chronic pain preventing him from caring about how he earns a paycheck. Nick Swardson plays a great "Terry" on "Reno 911" and was great in "Grandma's Boy", here he is just over-playing the importance of his role and needs to tone it down to a level fitting the role he is playing.

SCENES - This movie just kept the not-amusing levels of agony going mercilessly. Zohan at the beach. The scene would have worked better rather having Sandler appear interested versus bored intensely with the characters that are supposed to be close friends.

The scene in the Israeli intelligence office where Zohan kicks the guy in front of him and nobody reacts in the slightest. Why is watching somebody else's home-made travel movies dull? It is because the people that did not travel lack emotional attachment to the scenes. Give the viewer a reason to care by getting them emotionally involved. If you are bored while making this movie, your audience will be intensely bored when viewing your movie. It kind of reminded me of cheap porn in the same way that the actors all looked overly bored while deriving no pleasure from something that should be very enjoyable if done correctly.

Sadly, the intended "funny" part of the story all revolved about the "gross incompetence" of a man who made it to America and could drive a cab while doing live marketing calls and keep track of his backseat passengers complaints. These characters could have been better served with more minor backstory to make them somewhat conflicted culturally-enslaved characters driven to do horrible deeds despite the fact that they no longer live in the retarded Middle Eastern lands. I walked out around the second "Hezbollah Hotline" call after the redneck vandalism squad was hired. I figured that since I was so intensely bored and not even working up a slight chuckle at the movie. If you have insomnia and need something to knock you out, this is the sleeping pill to drive you deep into slumber.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008)

I learned many things from this movie about Narnia and Prince Caspian

[6/10 · 19 May 2008]

Firstly I wish to state that the special effects, costumes, battle scenes, camera work, sound creation, screenplay writing, direction, acting, and everything else was superb about this movie. Great entertainment is to be found for all in this movie.

Now onto the "What I learned": (1) In battle, a mere bloodless slice across the chest is not only enough to kill a man (thank you "Lord of the Rings"), but also enough force to cause them to collapse to the ground.

(2) Although great leadership by "The sons & daughters of Adam" for over 40 years remains well beloved, your deeds and works will all be forgotten in 1300 years.

(3) Narnia's time passage runs much faster than our own. A mere year of time results in 1300 years passing equal to one of our years. 1 Earth day = 3.56 Narnia years. That means in "The Lion, the Witch, and The Wardrobe", 40 years of life in Narnia equals 11 days on Earth. So, children missing for 11 days on Earth will not cause any hysterical reactions when found stumbling out of a closet by a kindly Professor.

(4) A viewer should not expect any drastic technological improvements in Narnia even with a 1300 or longer year jump.

(5) A Christ-like lion (the embodiment of the creator of Narnia -- AKA the Sysop of Narnia's universe) will wait until 98% of Narnia's native population is slaughtered by inconsiderate humans before getting off his lazy butt and taking an active interest in local affairs.

(6) Even worse, after dawdling like a senile shut-in for 1300 years of unrestrained slaughter of the native Narnian magical-animal & humanoid-hybrid population to come to the rescue at the last minute of centuries of pointless horrific bloodshed, the remaining native Narnian population will cheer this long-absent grossly-amoral sociopathic Christ-Lion with the eagerness of starving slaves praising their cruel enslaver for getting a few table scraps of food.

(7) Then after all has passed and an uneasy forced peace is enforced by the nearly genocidally-exterminated Narnians and the exterminating Telmarines (humans) the Christ-Lion will politely banish two of the group of four who saved his sorry broken kingdom in a super-jackass move.

See kiddies, movies can be educational.

The Invisible (2007)

The real shame is that the main character survived

[1/10 · 6 April 2008]

QUOTH THE TRAILER: "Life, death and something in between. How do you solve a murder when the victim is you? Together they must solve his murder... Before it's too late."

EXCEPT --- The viewers already know who murdered Nick. THERE IS NO MYSTERY! NOTHING IS UNCLEAR OR VAGUE IN THE SLIGHTEST! In fact the rest of the movie is just a bunch of boring morons grousing about being morons in really unentertaining moron ways. Seriously, "before it's too late" for WHAT?!? Dead people tend to stay dead once they are murdered. Talk about spoilers for the "plot". Did they cut out a whole major plot line centered on the police investigating the murder with all of this mopey nonsense centering on the main moron and moron friends?

Wow. Wait a half hour for a bunch of moody morons to "kill" off the main character. Wait another hour for the "dead" main character to be rescued from vague-certain-death. Then 20 minutes of stupid to chug on afterward.

After watching the main character mope around for an hour, I really wanted the main character to stay dead and the movie to end. It got to be overly-long around the 40 minute mark. It became a chore to endure at the 50 minute mark. The good news is that the body-count of the moronic gang of killers tops off with main character moron's buddy and Annie-moron's boyfriend. Plus Annie-moron gets slapped (something long overdue sadly lacking a few punches and kicks and more punches - hey, that character wonders why she is abused when she provokes it constantly) near the end by Nick-moron's mother. Thankfully, a bleeding hours-old gut wound is not visible through a shirt, does not affect a character's expressions in the slightest, and allows for long line-repeats from other characters.

The ending is just as stupid as every stupid shallow vapid character in this movie. The photography and audio and lighting were good though.

The main characters and the writers (excluding the mom plus the police) all deserved to be beaten until death. The good ending would have ended with Nick's week-long coma resulting in certain death.

Wizards of Waverly Place (2007–2012)

Chock full of ham

[2/10 · 6 April 2008]

Each actor and actress seems to have gone to the acting school of, "MY HANDS! LOOK AT ME! I'M TALKING LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!" I am annoyed just watching these over-gesturing spotlight-hogging spastic people. None of the acting cast seems to comprehend that they are not the single star of the show and each person is trying to out-ham-act each other, every single second of the show. That would be fine if they were all in the proper clown makeup with props, but as a show cast, is repellent.

The set design looks well thought out with almost every set looking visually interesting, but the breakfast nook is way too visually busy. The special effects are not too obnoxious. The sound is not well managed as the laugh track is an over-bearing over-eager spastic grating on every single hint of a comedic pause. The sound editor fails to clip off the shrieking edge on the character's voices. The film editors seem to have filmed more "establishing shots" than 30-minute show with a 20-second clip of nothing interesting being shown every 3 minute stretch. The camera work is pretty well done despite all of the other flaws of the series. The lighting is great and compliments the set design very well.

The writers are not so horrible as the direction is incompetent and the cast is obnoxious to the level of acting like corny cartoony imitations of human beings. I would like to slap their acting coach if given the opportunity. The sad thing is that using the timeless question of "if this character died, would I miss them" the result is "no, not a single one of these characters would be missed if they died." The only actors and actresses that can act properly in a comedic series are the secondary characters who are able to "tone it down" properly for a scene and are properly not trying to hog the spotlight like a retarded hyper-spastic version of Jim Carrey.

I would normally review a show in regards to the characters, plot, and highlights. This show is so blaring in over-the-top incompetence in direction and acting that nothing else about the show is really noticeable unless a person is forcing themselves to see past the screaming obnoxious flaws.

I will note that the set for the opening school hallway of the show is same one from Howard Hessman's "Head of the Class" (1986-1990)series.

Thirst (1979)

Like a vampire version of Candid Camera

[4/10 · 15 December 2007]

Generally the movie is slow, but memorable.

I remember watching this when I was a teenager. It was shown on Channel 50's "Creature Feature" sometime in the mid-80's. The plot is as mentioned in the other comments here, but I remember most the vampire Candid Camera moment when the main actress is undergoing forced "vampirization" therapy which consists of a the fake vampire cult sneaking human blood into everything. Initially shocking, when carried to multiple instances it all becomes hilarious.

The scenes that stick in my mind.

The lady goes to the fridge, opens up a milk carton, drinks from it and (SURPRISE!) you see blood streaming down from the edges of her mouth. She reacts as if nearly vomiting and the shock diminishes as these instances are repeated like a series of bloody pranks.

It seems like she cannot eat or drink anything without it having blood previously injected into it.

She goes on a picnic with her cute mustached boyfriend, bites into a deep fried chicken leg and golly gee, it also is squirting out blood like some weird prank.

The one uplifting star of wannabe "Vampire Candid Camera" is that there is a fellow that I mistook for Patrick Macnee (one of the stars of the 1966 British TV series "The Avengers"), but he only plays a minor role.

Tin Man (2007)

First Part is rather dry and overlong to get to a point

[5/10 · 3 December 2007]

I liked the beginning part with the parents getting a chance to be viewed as compassionate humans, but D.G. comes across as so bland (though her voice is wonderful for short lines of voicework in other media). The reimagined Dorthy isn't "awed" by this strange new world, she just seems as bored as a kid who has played too much FINAL FANTASY. Sure, culturally she's "been there, done that" yet she doesn't offer anything of interest. The speaking with a nasal edge (scrunch your nose up and then speak and you'll sound just like Zooey Deschanel) does get old in stretches past 30 minutes though. She is rather beautiful though (as is common with most kids these days) given that society has been trained to "breed for beauty" over any other useful genetic worth. It is rather a shame that she never learned how to act using her body language or face or eyes to imply emotions much less modulate her voice aside from shifting the loudness of it to indicate a feeling. Her voice as it is now, however, is great for stating lines in a computer game without distracting the players.

This story kind of prances around a series of interesting concepts if they were in book form (more time and pages to appreciate tidbits of backstory along with unspoken inner thoughts as well as scene-setting). The problem comes in putting that on screen. "Return to OZ" actually did this at a pretty snappy pace while this "Tin Man" mini-series has yet to get that far in 2 hours.

The characters are all set up to generally be "Sympathetic Characters". However, once the story gets moving 37 minutes in the roles are more generically defined. The Scarecrow "Glitch" is the Exposition Character (informs of key plot points and explains unobvious things to the audience). The Tin Man "Detective Wyatt Cain" is the Pained Strong Character who engages conflict elements and helps push the plot along when things get slow. The Cowardly Lion "Raw" is supposed to be the voice of caution in the books, but here he is used as the Backstory Device and Tag-Along Healer (generic video game keep-alive tool).

Dorthy Gale "D.G." here is supposed to be "The Explorer" and "Voice of Wonder". Here she is used as "The Lost Magic Royalty" (AKA The Long Lost Messiah) come to save the world, universe, cute little puppies, etc.

The Wizard "The Mystic Man" is supposed to be the Epilogue Guy who tucks everyone in bed at night telling the kiddies that despite all of the wonder they encountered, it is safe to go to sleep now. Here he is cast as The Bitter Reluctant Rich-Rebel whom is powerless to escape the chains of his office yet tries to undermine the horrors that he has been forced to help enact.

The upside of this story is that most of the characters are rational in their motivations and anguish. The downside is that writing seems to enjoy "restating the obvious" at least 15 times in 30 minutes. This might have been to ensure that key plot points were not clipped by an overly-chop-happy non-reading director. It just gets annoying without being clipped to limit the restating of plot bits a mere 5 minutes ago. So far the movie just speeds along with quick nods to the "reimagined into a harsher crueler world" versions of the OZ characters without really going anywhere useful. I could recut these first 2 hours into about 45 minutes if I had to, but a fairer version would be 1 hour + 15 minutes.

At any rate this review covers Part 1 of 3 of the "TIN MAN" 6 hour mini-series.

The Holiday (2006)

I was eagerly awaiting the shallow vapid worthless hysterically-paranoid lazy character to die

[3/10 · 20 September 2007]

Cameron Diaz's character comes across as a woman I would really love to see die horribly in a car crash. The movie picks up a bit after 24 minutes into it, but dear lord, how can a man endure such a vapidly worthless woman moaning about "I never get to read books, I just end up reading magazine reviews"? Sheesh, if she wanted to read a book, READ A BOOK THEN! Stop whining like some moron. God I despise "Learned Helplessness" as much as wanton ignorance. I admit that it was brave to start the movie with a character that the viewers just want to see die horribly and never redeems herself (pretty much identical in should-be-dead like the worthless real-life character of Eminem).

Kate Winslet's character is charming and a viewer can sympathize with her completely. I am now 33 minutes into the movie and Cameron Diaz's infantile character has yet again failed to die horribly in a car crash. That is a real shame. The various "Movie Bumper" clips in the office, then the airplane, then on the television in the cottage home, are all annoying as well as repelling.

At the moment, the only saving grace of this load of agonizingly repulsive movie centering on the agonizingly repulsive Cameron Diaz's shallow character are the set pieces and the low-contrast photography. I remained eagerly patient for the moment in which Cameron Diaz's character would be horribly disfigured just to give even the slightest level of introspection, humility, or grace as that character worked past the agony to become a tolerable human being. Sadly, it appears that she does not. I would have cut as much of Cameron Diaz's role out of this movie as possible and focused entirely on Kate Winslet's character. I honestly did not care one way or the other about either actress before seeing this movie. I dearly pray that Cameron Diaz is not as repulsive a human being as she plays in this movie.

I would give this movie a 5 (no impression at all --- leaving me not caring in the slightest about the movie before or after), but Cameron Diaz's role was such a huge negative impact that it would be painful to rewatch and submit myself to enduring the twittering pointless idiocy of Cameron Diaz playing a character with less dignity than a 3-year-old child in a 30-year-old's body. She plays a fine CGI-animated Princess Fiona, but in this movie, YUCK!

Fellini Satyricon (1969)

Pretty retarded, tedious, and boring to the core

[1/10 · 3 July 2007]

The movie starts out with a stupid blonde guy ranting in a desolate Roman bathhouse about his teen lover being sold off to some theater group. Then the stupid fellow fights with his black-haired thieving friend about the selling off of the teen lover. So, the stupid fellow walks off to the theater and convinces the "extremely low threshold for entertainment" crowd to return the teen bimbo-boy back to the main blonde character. So, the bimbo and the moron return to their home in a 5-story lunatic asylum hovel and have sex. After that, the thieving black-haired friend comes back and they fight over their meager possessions and divide them up. Bimbo-boy decides to take off with the black-haired thief, blond-haired main character considers killing himself and an earthquake destroys the lunatic house. Good riddance. This is almost the highpoint of 23 minutes of pure boring worthlessness.

My review is rather cynical at this point, but to be blunt this movie really rather sucks. You can watch this all, but consider flushing 2 hours of your life away for this.

The main theme seems to be that 90% of Romans back in that day were retards, morons, and lunatics. I could go on about the outdoor feast, the slave boat, the main character becoming the male bride of one of the idiot-moron Caesar's thugs, the killing of Caesar on the island, and all of the other severely retarded and horribly boring "plot points", but that would be lending an air of credibility to the movie for wasting 45 more minutes of film. If you've seen any bit of the series "ROME", then you'd comprehend just how much this Fellini movie limps inanely and worthlessly along. The thieving black-haired friend rejoins blonde-idiot for the rest of the movie after this. Rome could never have become an empire with the human beings shown as examples in this movie. Extreme lead poisoning barely could explain the idiot lunatics shown as examples of Roman subjects in this movie.

The movie does pick up about the the time the main moron character is mostly ignored (good) and we cut to a father freeing his family's slaves. After this it becomes a briefly tolerable non-moron-heavy movie. Then the morons reappear, we waste time with them for the rest of the movie. If I could convey just how much this movie severely reeks, then I would suggest the mental exercise of sticking a wad of chewing gum in your ear canal. That exercise would be more mentally challenging and exciting than this movie. I have watched a lot of television in my lifetime (about 35 years worth). I have watched bad programs, great programs, and average programs. I have probably watched about 2500 movies in my lifetime. Some movies were popcorn fluff, some were brilliant philosophical challenges, some were horrible, some were sub-par unless you approached it with a certain mindset. This Fellini movie was simply astonishing in how much effort and budget was put forth to render something much less viewable than a golf and table tennis marathon.

I cannot judge Fellini as a director given that this is the only movie I have seen by this director, but "Wow!" if I were a far less generous person I would never watch any other Fellini movie in my lifetime. You could not pay me to watch any other Fellini movie in my lifetime if this is a prime example of Fellini's work.

The Outer Limits: In Our Own Image (1998) Season 4, Episode 26

First off, this episode is a "Clip Show"

[3/10 · 6 March 2007]

"In Our Own Image" (Season 3 - Episode 12) The "Mac 27" Android escapes from the Innobotics Corporation, kidnaps a woman and then escapes to a remote warehouse. During this time she grows to care for the android and defends him from capture. But there is a twist!

The problem with this episode is that it includes "Android Episodes" from future settings, notably showing:

"The Camp" (Season 3 - Episode 7) A woman challenges her android captors in a prison camp and they are the prisoners are the only survivors of an exterminated humanity and a world of permanently poisoned crops.

"Identity Crisis" (Season 4 - Episode 72) A soldier's consciousness is transferred temporarily into a prototype android body, but a laboratory accident destroys his human body. Then the android body begins to malfunction and will shut down in 12 hours.

"Bits of Love" (Season 3 - Episode 1) The last survivor of a nuclear war relies on computer generated holograms for companionship.

"Valerie 23" (Season 1 - Episode 3) Frank Hellner, a researcher at a robotics company (Innobotics Corporation), is left paraplegic after an automobile accident. His friend and boss Charlie Rogers arranges for Frank to test Innobotics' latest robotic innovation — the "perfect woman". Reluctantly, Frank agrees.

During the clip from "Valerie 23" it is hinted that the emotional emulation programming of "Valerie 23" was the cause for the malfunction of "Mac 27". The more serious problem of this show is that unless this is past an alien-inflicted invasion and the resulting nuclear war, the setting is way too modern day year 2000 to be functional for this episode's basic plot. "Identity Crisis" and "Bits of Love" would be workable for the modern-day setting. The post-human extermination settings of "The Camp" and "Bits of Love" would also work together if not placed prior to this clip show, but are plot lines just wouldn't logically mesh to precede this clip show,

The Uninvited Guest (2004)

*SPOILER* I think I know the answers to the confusing aspects of the plot

[7/10 · 8 February 2007]

This movie is kind of like an adult version of "HOME ALONE" except there are no comedically-slapstick traps and it is a heck of a lot creepier. Think "The Lurking Burger King" mascot kind of creepy without the delivery of fast food upon locating the hidden lurker.

Felix (the man terrified of the hidden stranger in his house) breaks up with his girlfriend Claudia. A stranger stops over and asks to use the phone and then vanishes when Felix turns his back. After more jumping at shadows, calling the police with finding no stranger, and getting Vera (the twin of the wheelchair-bound Claudia) to stay the night after some lovemaking and a shared conversation about loneliness Felix wakes up to discover Vera missing. Later outside the closed kitchen door he hears Vera talking to some unknown person (the unknown person never audibly talks back) about "You can't hide in here forever Martin, he will discover you...", Felix bursts into the kitchen, scares Vera and she denies that she was talking to anyone. That leads to a breakup and Vera leaves again. Felix discovers his neighbor's dog outside his kitchen door later and he uses it to hunt for the mystery lurker in his home as the dog rushes upstairs. The elderly woman that owns the dog is scared of Felix because of the knife he is holding and she chases after her dog and ends up falling down the stairs and breaking her neck and dying. The police clear Felix of the death by declaring it accidental.

Felix goes home after stealing a gun out of the detective's desk drawer. Goes into his attic, sees a man-like shadow and shoots it. He follows the blood trail and locks the stranger in his basement. Felix then goes and locks the entire house down and oddly enough smashes his home alarm. He drives off, stops the car, takes his crumpled sketch of the vanished visitor and falls asleep in it and later wakes up hear 2 kids talking about whether the person in the sketch lives in a nearby house. Felix goes to that house and becomes a mysterious lurker in the home of the wheelchair-bound Claudia. It gets interesting after that.

Cutting to the chase... DO NOT READ THE REST IF YOU WANT TO ENJOY THE MOVIE... READ AFTER YOU HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE TO DE-CONFUSE YOURSELF...

Felix is the star of the show and the victim of mysterious lurkers.

Claudia is the wheelchair-bound wife of Martin.

Vera is the twin sister of Claudia. She might also be a lurker as well given the ending and the fact that Martin could not leave the basement after Felix and Vera's breakup and Vera might just have gone to Felix's house secretly to locate Martin without upsetting Felix. Or she could just be a child of a family that were pros at the whole game of "Extreme Hide and Seek", though the easy obvious way to foil a hidden-home-lurker is to get a dog to seek the lurker out with the next most obvious way is to sprinkle powder on the floor to detect footprints (Kool-Aid would be hard to "redust" to hide footprints and a pain to clean up later).

Martin is the vanished phone user and mystery lurker who is found in the tunnel out of Claudia's basement at the end of the movie. He dies from a diabetic coma in the basement tunnel to Felix's house after Claudia locks the door to the basement, trapping Martin inside. Martin has to have been in Felix's house before Vera broke up with Felix. I assume Martin was lurking about Claudia's house too because he was a bit nutty before lurking around Felix's house to find out about where the tunnel exited. Since the tunnel from Claudia's basement wasn't open (plastered over bricks) from Felix's side of the house I have to logically assume that the second lurker was Vera trying to find Martin in Felix's house and she became a hidden lurker in Felix's house for the same weird motivation that Felix found in lurking hidden in Claudia and Bruno's house. Martin is the archaeologist husband of Claudia .

Bruno is most likely the brother of the wheelchair-bound Claudia and Vera. So this makes the family in the other house -- Felix + Claudia. Since Bruno isn't chatting about Vera all the time I can assume he isn't Vera's husband, so him being a brother makes the most sense.

I won't spoil the ending itself as if you have read to this point, you should no longer be confused what happened plot-wise now when you watch the movie. It is also logical to assume the tunnel between the homes might have been a way for the former home owners to escape danger or smuggle illicit items. The whole plot actually revolves around Martin's weird obsession of hiding from his wife all the time and then doing the same in a stranger's house. The only logical flaw I think for this movie is that Felix didn't go out a purchase a dog to locate the stranger in his home or just "bug bomb" the place. It would've been a pretty short running movie though if it were.