A waste of well worn teen movie tropes shoehorned in, the movie that doesn't even bother to use its 3-D effectively. Hero is slacker with friends almost indistinguishable from users and bullies. The set ups and plot are so clumsy and obvious that you have to assume it's deliberate. Trying to be a parody? It doesn't appear to be self knowing though it just comes out as utter rubbish. The acting is all hammed up and over the top, even by horror film parody levels. There is not one likeable character or well done scene in the entire movie. No gore, no laughs, no engagement. Only the titles at the very end seem to make use of the 3-D.
Reviews
12 Reviews
The Gardener
(2021)
Can't act can't fight
12 November 2022
Absolutely rubbish movie. The worst fight choreography I have ever seen they literally take turns and pause to admire each others punch. The fight sequences are so slow where they're trying to remember whose turn it is to hit or be hit.. only two people in this film can act the mother and the tree. The Poundland villain, Richter wannabe, looks and fights like he's done a weekend binge watch of 70s blacksploitation movies. What is supposed to be? The twist ending is telegraphed so obviously from the first few scenes .Who puts up the money for making these really amateurish bad films? Plenty of first year students making better films than this.
Uncharted
(2022)
Unhearted phoned in performances for characters with no depth
12 October 2022
I'm annoyed at this film because I wish they would make more films like this but these people making this movie have doomed that. You can tell a lot of money was spent on how it looks who stars in it and the exotic locations. There is no chemistry between the actors, nonsense plot even for a popcorn movie and the makes no sense even with the after credits sequel teaser which I can't see being made. Should have spent the money on a decent script. On Paper a swashbuckler that I've been looking for, with people who's work I enjoy but in practice 15 minutes in I just wanted it to end. I had no idea until after that it was based on again but even that doesn't excuse this. Waste of film.
Say My Name
(2018)
Well written un-romcom adventuring through a night in modern Wales
21 June 2019
What a lovely film. I'm a big fan of stories set in modern Wales because it's a very different vibe to the romanticized Irish and Scottish stories aimed at American sentimentality. Characters in Welsh stories are more real, there is something more practical about them and their version of rural drugs and violence. Its more light-hearted than Twin Town a previous favorite of mine, this is a romcom where the protagonists have layers upon layers to their flaws. It's not obvious where they are going or that their story is inevitable. It pokes gently at some well-worn tropes.
Great atmosphere, feel of a declining seaside town short of jobs but where people still know how to have a good time. They mention the mainland a lot, I am don't know which island in South Wales it is, but its isolation adds to the story in the sense the rules are different here. The locals are all on the make, doing whatever is necessary, the police are inept but also probably know everyone, maybe turn a blind eye to family and neighbors. I also like the way everything changes over one night, their lives, their feelings, what the story is even about. With shifts through the landscape of night, dates gone wrong, clubs and drinking, hospitals and cells, pre-dawn roads and morning resolutions.
The writing and dialogue are excellent. I thought it was going to be a capsule film at the start, but it goes off the rails beautifully.
Great atmosphere, feel of a declining seaside town short of jobs but where people still know how to have a good time. They mention the mainland a lot, I am don't know which island in South Wales it is, but its isolation adds to the story in the sense the rules are different here. The locals are all on the make, doing whatever is necessary, the police are inept but also probably know everyone, maybe turn a blind eye to family and neighbors. I also like the way everything changes over one night, their lives, their feelings, what the story is even about. With shifts through the landscape of night, dates gone wrong, clubs and drinking, hospitals and cells, pre-dawn roads and morning resolutions.
The writing and dialogue are excellent. I thought it was going to be a capsule film at the start, but it goes off the rails beautifully.
Milk and Honey: The Movie
(2018)
How do these films get made when there is great new talent out there going begging?
27 January 2019
How does the money get found for making these films.
At the beginning, not bad, establishing a ruthless gangster with family issues getting moved in on by terrorists who want the money stream. A bit Long Good Friday meets Dynasty and more or less credible plot if you ignore New Girl Jess is totally unfazed by seeing people murdered in front of her on her first day. Jess may as well be wearing a t-shirt that says I have An Agenda You Will Find Out About Later in A Twist. Acting is good enough, for this kind of film. Then other plot elements get thrown in like a team of vaping teenagers designed it based on the last Netflix they saw. I can see it is low budget, made with a lot of people mucking in and there is nothing wrong with that. Ropey effects and saving money by filming in the lobbies of office buildings or whatever is fine. But the story just goes off the rails. Law enforcement of any kind is completely absent in this reality, despite suicide vests and heaps of bodies. A Hacker is not what he seems, but is in fact still a Hacker, so why would the people he works for need him to pretend to be something else to do what he does. Why doesn't his real employer just let him do the thing they cleverly get the gangster to force him to do? There is no reason for him to intersect with gangster family. It just made no sense at all. Why does the gangster have to turn out to be not who we think he is sexuality wise, how does that add to the story? His relationship with Jess, not the one she pretends she has but the actual one (confised, you should be...) doesn't need to connect in the way it does for her motivation to be what it is. It's just a weird twist serving nothing but its own twistiness. It's 6th formers trying to be too clever.
I won't spoil the end, I will leave that to the screenwriter, but Nicholas Brendon shows up at the 11th hour for the 5 minutes he is in it, totally justifying his place as 4th on the billing.
At the beginning, not bad, establishing a ruthless gangster with family issues getting moved in on by terrorists who want the money stream. A bit Long Good Friday meets Dynasty and more or less credible plot if you ignore New Girl Jess is totally unfazed by seeing people murdered in front of her on her first day. Jess may as well be wearing a t-shirt that says I have An Agenda You Will Find Out About Later in A Twist. Acting is good enough, for this kind of film. Then other plot elements get thrown in like a team of vaping teenagers designed it based on the last Netflix they saw. I can see it is low budget, made with a lot of people mucking in and there is nothing wrong with that. Ropey effects and saving money by filming in the lobbies of office buildings or whatever is fine. But the story just goes off the rails. Law enforcement of any kind is completely absent in this reality, despite suicide vests and heaps of bodies. A Hacker is not what he seems, but is in fact still a Hacker, so why would the people he works for need him to pretend to be something else to do what he does. Why doesn't his real employer just let him do the thing they cleverly get the gangster to force him to do? There is no reason for him to intersect with gangster family. It just made no sense at all. Why does the gangster have to turn out to be not who we think he is sexuality wise, how does that add to the story? His relationship with Jess, not the one she pretends she has but the actual one (confised, you should be...) doesn't need to connect in the way it does for her motivation to be what it is. It's just a weird twist serving nothing but its own twistiness. It's 6th formers trying to be too clever.
I won't spoil the end, I will leave that to the screenwriter, but Nicholas Brendon shows up at the 11th hour for the 5 minutes he is in it, totally justifying his place as 4th on the billing.
Atomic Blonde
(2017)
Not what you expected and that's a good thing
16 October 2017
Warning: Spoilers
As greginess7878-already noted, there are a lot of brief generic disparaging reviews for this film, and I strongly suspect it is anti LGBT trolls.
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, the only criticism I would make is the catchpenny title change from the original Comic and with the trailer and marketing. This was hyped up to be a distaff Bond/Bourne with a streak of Terminatrix. That's not what it was and an honest ad campaign would have served it better.
As it is, it owes more to LaCarre than Fleming. I found it more realistic than most of its genre, a real spy movie set in the turmoil of the Berlin wall about to fall and the impact that would have on the new world order. Parts of it captured the grimness and the cold war lack of trust between allies and dark deals of real politik with adversaries.
I think the trouble with some of the reviewers is they are a generation that doesn't have the frame of reference to comprehend this film. They didn't experience the cold war, the threat of nuclear war or how much the European allies thought Reagan was an out of his depth populist who was going to get us all killed. How times have changed, eh? I am not a fan of Theron, I've not understood how she got credibility as an action star since Aeon Flux. But she does actually a do a pretty good job of this. The acting is good, I would have criticized her too generic English accent if it hadn't been for the reveal. Her story makes sense, in the context of the cold war coming to an end when a lot of people liked it just the way it was. The fight scenes are realistic, she is not superhuman, she can only take so much of a beating before being exhausted, she relies on brief impactful viciousness and improvisation. But she doesn't just shake it off by the next scene like they do in so many action films where the baddie goes down with one punch, one stab or one shot. She's convincing as a spy the way that Bond isn't, she changes her look, she sexes it up to manipulate, she acts and manages her emotions. It's not clear initially if she play the lesbian seductress because that the way she is or as another spy tool to get information. I take it as presented that she does grow to care in a way she knows she shouldn't.
It has the right look for the time, the right music and nothing is as it seems, which is also right for the time.
This film has more layers than it appears, they should have kept the original title, it's a great spy film in the tradition of Harry Palmer and Smiley. Personally, I'd love to see a sequel.
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, the only criticism I would make is the catchpenny title change from the original Comic and with the trailer and marketing. This was hyped up to be a distaff Bond/Bourne with a streak of Terminatrix. That's not what it was and an honest ad campaign would have served it better.
As it is, it owes more to LaCarre than Fleming. I found it more realistic than most of its genre, a real spy movie set in the turmoil of the Berlin wall about to fall and the impact that would have on the new world order. Parts of it captured the grimness and the cold war lack of trust between allies and dark deals of real politik with adversaries.
I think the trouble with some of the reviewers is they are a generation that doesn't have the frame of reference to comprehend this film. They didn't experience the cold war, the threat of nuclear war or how much the European allies thought Reagan was an out of his depth populist who was going to get us all killed. How times have changed, eh? I am not a fan of Theron, I've not understood how she got credibility as an action star since Aeon Flux. But she does actually a do a pretty good job of this. The acting is good, I would have criticized her too generic English accent if it hadn't been for the reveal. Her story makes sense, in the context of the cold war coming to an end when a lot of people liked it just the way it was. The fight scenes are realistic, she is not superhuman, she can only take so much of a beating before being exhausted, she relies on brief impactful viciousness and improvisation. But she doesn't just shake it off by the next scene like they do in so many action films where the baddie goes down with one punch, one stab or one shot. She's convincing as a spy the way that Bond isn't, she changes her look, she sexes it up to manipulate, she acts and manages her emotions. It's not clear initially if she play the lesbian seductress because that the way she is or as another spy tool to get information. I take it as presented that she does grow to care in a way she knows she shouldn't.
It has the right look for the time, the right music and nothing is as it seems, which is also right for the time.
This film has more layers than it appears, they should have kept the original title, it's a great spy film in the tradition of Harry Palmer and Smiley. Personally, I'd love to see a sequel.
You're Next
(2011)
Hitting the spoiler flag for noting the high stupidity quotient
14 August 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Every now and then you come across a film that just makes you angry that someone gave them the budget when it could have gone to better use. You are going to hate the family, as you are supposed to, especially when they act like a teenager in an 80's horror flick. Having trouble keeping a pursuer on your tail? Trying screaming hysterically at the top of your lungs as you run through the woods. Of course, you're mad with fear, I get that, but still contained enough to bitch waspishly at your neighbor when you arrive apparently. Or our plucky heroine who carries around a flashlight useless for seeing anything with, but perfect for waving around when you aren't sure where your attacker is. How about lets check if a room has the suspected ambusher in it by walking into it backwards? All along to you know it can't end the way it should, because our filmmaker has to prove how clever they are by using a ridiculous jack in the box to make sure the audience walks away with no satisfaction from this film at all. Rubbish, annoying, predictable, rubbish.
He Who Dares
(2014)
How does rubbish like this even get funded?
19 July 2014
When there are some great independent film makers out there, struggling to get funds, how does something as bad as this even get made? It can't even of looked good on paper can it? No real actors, not even moonlighting soap stars, a plot that just doesn't make any kind of sense and the SAS made to look like they learned their moves from a YouTube teenage kung fu submission. The SAS look incompetent in this, always having time to give moody looks and exposition while they are waiting for one of the bad guys to just shoot them and put us out of our misery. Out hero always seems to think punching someone is a better plan than shooting them. Just dreadful and yet it looks like someone gave them a lot of money to make this. What a waste.
Sleeping Beauty
(2011)
Slow and pretentious
28 June 2012
Warning: Spoilers
Slow pacing is artsied up with pointless monologues into camera, lingering but sterile shots of nudity and cold unsympathetic characters, especially the lead. Is it a spoiler to warn you of an "I'm too clever to give you an answer" ending? Just in case it is I will tick that box... If you think it's worth it to see a pretty girl indulge some kinkiness as we delve into a privileged and exclusive club for old men with ED issues? Nope, it doesn't even titillate. It's more likely to sap your will to live than make your sap rise. The premise of why she does what she does, multiple menial jobs, experimental testing and ultimately prostitution, both vanilla and niche, is completely overdone. Her sister and obnoxious brother in law are cardboard representations of a mediocre family life, but hardly symbols of desperate deprivation or abuse. Her life just isn't that bad, she's not the only student whose ever had to work through college unsupported by family. She comes across as cold, empty and looking for shortcuts for the simple reason she is that kind of person. Despite a nipple to screen time ratio a genuine porn film would be proud of, it's just plain boredom leading up to a pretentiously inscrutable ending.
Red Dawn
(1984)
I am more liberal than you would believe and I love this movie!
25 March 2011
Like a lot of 80's films, you have to view it in the context of the times. The Cold War was an ever present worry, there were two SuperPowers back then in a fierce arms race after the end of WW II. At the end of that war we knew just how brutal the Soviets could be, after defeating Germany and Japan we should have confronted Stalin, but the Allies were spent and so the Cold War simmered instead. History has been re-written to make Reagan a hero for facing them down, but at the time it seemed like he was foolishly provoking them. If you weren't alive then you don't appreciate how high the tensions were. The Soviets were a real mass murdering brutal enemy, armed to the teeth, relentless and expanding. The so called Terrorist Enemy of today is practically cuddly. Reagan crippled them economically by leading luring them to play catch up in arms, but at the time it seemed like things were escalating to a fight.
An invasion is fanciful, but the more realistic Atomic Annihilation would have been a much shorter film and wouldn't have had as much man in the street (high school) character drama. This movie puts Us into the situation in a What Would You Do? Collaborate or fight? It's not a great film, but it is a film that I enjoyed. It doesn't have a typical Hollywood ending, like the more recent Battle LA. It does however show some realistic skirmishes, some tough consequences of choosing to fight and just how clumsy and difficult that first taking of a life can be.
You just can't judge it with a solely post 2001 political and social mind set.
I am somewhat disgusted with the idea that the remake for 2011 has chosen the North Koreans as the bad guys. Hardly a SuperPower. Clearly we don't want to offend the real SuperPower of today, China. Though I can see why China invading would be laughable, they already own us.
An invasion is fanciful, but the more realistic Atomic Annihilation would have been a much shorter film and wouldn't have had as much man in the street (high school) character drama. This movie puts Us into the situation in a What Would You Do? Collaborate or fight? It's not a great film, but it is a film that I enjoyed. It doesn't have a typical Hollywood ending, like the more recent Battle LA. It does however show some realistic skirmishes, some tough consequences of choosing to fight and just how clumsy and difficult that first taking of a life can be.
You just can't judge it with a solely post 2001 political and social mind set.
I am somewhat disgusted with the idea that the remake for 2011 has chosen the North Koreans as the bad guys. Hardly a SuperPower. Clearly we don't want to offend the real SuperPower of today, China. Though I can see why China invading would be laughable, they already own us.
Down to Earth
(2001)
Did Rock even understand his own premise for the film?
17 August 2010
Warning: Spoilers
How is this so highly rated? I love Chris Rock and that's why I went to see it but I was so disappointed, if it hadn't had been raining I would have walked out.
Chris Rock doesn't seem to understand what the film is about. He is supposed to be playing a unfunny Black comedian reincarnated back into a white businessman who has just been bumped off by his wife and assistant. Even in a comedy you have to bring some sense of reality to make the humor work. His character doesn't change; he continues to act like a black guy, and not just any one but himself, Lance. Of course that's what you'd do your given a second chance, for no good reason other than heaven making an administrative error, and you use that most precious gift to continue acting in the same dumb way you did before. Why does heaven give him a second chance other than the weak plot demands it? Lance doesn't do anything special to deserve it in his previous life; he just seems to take it for granted he is entitled to it. He never listens to anyone else or any advice, he just talks over everyone in his own self centered pursuit of a woman he glimpsed ten minutes ago.
The point of view was all wrong, if it was supposed to be funny seeing a middle-aged white guy talking like a bad black comedian then that's what we should have seen on screen, not Rock except in very brief flashes. The reincarnated Lance shows no sense of having gone through the biggest change anyone can make other than changing sex. There is no awareness of his situation at all. We are supposed to despise the ruthless business man but Rock is an equally irritating replacement character with a different but just as selfish moronic single mindedness in getting the girl. The idea of a young attractive black girl being genuinely in love with a paunchy, balding and pretty ancient old man and kissing him passionately on screen would have just been stomach turning and I am at least glad Rock wouldn't let the cameras stray off him for that.
Rock just didn't do anything to make it work. He created an unsympathetic selfish character who acted oblivious to his own situation and the reactions of everyone around him. But worse, he just wasn't funny, which let's face it most of us had gone to see.
Chris Rock doesn't seem to understand what the film is about. He is supposed to be playing a unfunny Black comedian reincarnated back into a white businessman who has just been bumped off by his wife and assistant. Even in a comedy you have to bring some sense of reality to make the humor work. His character doesn't change; he continues to act like a black guy, and not just any one but himself, Lance. Of course that's what you'd do your given a second chance, for no good reason other than heaven making an administrative error, and you use that most precious gift to continue acting in the same dumb way you did before. Why does heaven give him a second chance other than the weak plot demands it? Lance doesn't do anything special to deserve it in his previous life; he just seems to take it for granted he is entitled to it. He never listens to anyone else or any advice, he just talks over everyone in his own self centered pursuit of a woman he glimpsed ten minutes ago.
The point of view was all wrong, if it was supposed to be funny seeing a middle-aged white guy talking like a bad black comedian then that's what we should have seen on screen, not Rock except in very brief flashes. The reincarnated Lance shows no sense of having gone through the biggest change anyone can make other than changing sex. There is no awareness of his situation at all. We are supposed to despise the ruthless business man but Rock is an equally irritating replacement character with a different but just as selfish moronic single mindedness in getting the girl. The idea of a young attractive black girl being genuinely in love with a paunchy, balding and pretty ancient old man and kissing him passionately on screen would have just been stomach turning and I am at least glad Rock wouldn't let the cameras stray off him for that.
Rock just didn't do anything to make it work. He created an unsympathetic selfish character who acted oblivious to his own situation and the reactions of everyone around him. But worse, he just wasn't funny, which let's face it most of us had gone to see.
Planet of the Apes
(2001)
Looks great, great attention to detail, loses it's plot half way through
30 July 2001
Great looking film. Great acting, particulalry Tom Roth and Helena Bonham-Carter. Ape movements and portraying them as a culture used to moving in all three dimensions is excellent, well thought out. Great use of cameos and dialogue from first films. But...
Estelle Warren has a pointless role and is completly wooden. The plot peters out into cliches on top of cliches as soon as they arrive at the final destination. Brave but idiot child doing something idiotic, so hero has to rescue him - even has the old weekly serial device of the danger being right on top of him them shifting to not being nearly so close once the situation is resolved. Gimmick to resolve the major conflict is unconvincing, no explanation of why secondary protagonist should drop all his objections and want to live in harmony with species he has despised all his life. Hero doesn't even make a case to him as to why he should do so. Doing for mere appearance of an apparent saviour is incredible. Using small pod to traverse god knows how many universes and our solar system to get home requires too much suspension of disbelief. Ending is just silly.
Estelle Warren has a pointless role and is completly wooden. The plot peters out into cliches on top of cliches as soon as they arrive at the final destination. Brave but idiot child doing something idiotic, so hero has to rescue him - even has the old weekly serial device of the danger being right on top of him them shifting to not being nearly so close once the situation is resolved. Gimmick to resolve the major conflict is unconvincing, no explanation of why secondary protagonist should drop all his objections and want to live in harmony with species he has despised all his life. Hero doesn't even make a case to him as to why he should do so. Doing for mere appearance of an apparent saviour is incredible. Using small pod to traverse god knows how many universes and our solar system to get home requires too much suspension of disbelief. Ending is just silly.
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