BruceMc Reviews

Grindhouse (2007)

Leave after the intermission

[1/10 · 16 April 2007]

Robert Rodriguez' "Planet Terror," the first half of the double-bill, is terrific: very campy, very funny, takes all the good parts of the old exploitation movies and uses them to its advantage. Lots of gore, gratuitous nudity, none of the actors seems to take it seriously and that makes it that much more enjoyable.

The previews are well-done, especially Rob Zombie's "Werewolf Girls of the SS" and Rodriguez' "Machete." Eli Roth's "Thanksgiving" was a hoot.

Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof," though, is awful: boring, extremely dialogue-heavy: it takes all the bad parts of the old exploitation movies and doesn't improve on them. I'm not a fan of QT's movies, have always thought he's just seen a lot of obscure stuff and steals the best parts, but "Death Proof" is almost unwatchable. Kurt Russell is appropriately creepy but his "Stuntman Mike" isn't the star, nor is his souped-up car; instead, the stars are the uninteresting women who are Mike's victims. Really, really awful. As good as "Planet Terror" is, "Death Proof" just sucked all the enjoyment I'd had previously during the movie.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)

Awfully boring and boringly awful

[1/10 · 19 September 2004]

"Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" (an amazingly incovenient title) is simply a bad movie; it has no heart, no deep ideas, nothing very special about it. Yes, the CGI backgrounds look interesting, but the result is that the whole thing is shot in an annoying soft focus. Additionally, the movie uses music the same way as, say, "Gilligan's Island" or the Scooby-Doo cartoons-- IT NEVER STOPS. Terribly, simply terrible. There are no fresh ideas, either, just gobs and gobs and gobs and... etc., of bits taken from older movies and serials. There is no gatekeeper here, the movie just seems to exist because it can. Save your money and your time. Not entertaining at all.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (2003)

Awfully boring AND boringly awful

[1/10 · 31 August 2003]

One of the worst movies of 2003; an embarassment for all the actors involved except Peta Wilson who brings some nuances to her under-written role; but the movie's poorly written, poorly directed and has bad special effects and is MUCH TOO LONG. Really, really bad cinema.

28 Days Later (2002)

How can a zombie movie be so boring?

[3/10 · 12 July 2003]

With the exception of a couple of sequences, specifically the opening and penultimate, this a surprisingly boring movie. The violence and suspense we'd expect from an end-of-the-world/zombie move are mostly absent and have been replaced with an uninteristing commentary on family and civilization-- think "Lord of the Flies" (of which both versions are better than this snoozer). I suppose the reason for all the mundane scenes of shopping, eating, driving, sleeping, etc., are to make the "exciting" and "suspenseful" scenes more "exciting" and "suspenseful," but instead this is just a stunningly boring movie.

Hulk (2003)

Either awfully boring or boringly awful

[1/10 · 12 July 2003]

A stunningly bad movie of an inane comic book. Lots of high-school level Freudianism (slightly open doors, mirrors, frames-within-frames, etc.) and silliness about repressed memories. Basiclly we don't see Hulk do much except jump around in the desert. Very hammy acting from Nick Nolte and Sam Elliott and especially from director Ang Lee as the CGI Hulk. Avoid at all costs.

Cast Away (2000)

A boring, stupid movie

[3/10 · 15 January 2001]

"Cast Away" is not a good movie for numerous reasons, not the least of which is that for an hour of screentime the only conflict is Tom Hanks' toothache. Very simply, nothing happens on the island except some ridiculously silly bits of expository dialogue between Hanks and a volleyball: "What's that, Wilson? Why am I sad? It's because...." Stupid, awful screenwriting plagues the movie, from bad dialogue to equally ridiculous coincidences-- good thing that FedEx package contains something that Hanks can use as an axe!

Hanks is a fine naturalistic actor in the style of Spencer Tracy, and is always fun to watch, but "Cast Away" is boring: the only scenes of poignancy and impact are those that aren't set on the island.

Wait for the video. Better still, watch Nicolas Roeg's "Castaway"-- it's a far superior movie.

The Cell (2000)

"Dreamscape" but bloodier

[4/10 · 7 September 2000]

Video director Tarsem Singh's "The Cell" is okay if you haven't seen too many movies: you'll be impressed by the strong imagery, often quite disturbing but generally quite striking. But if you've seen, say, "Dreamscape" or "Mishima" or "Cat People" or movie by directors Andrew Blake or Michael Zen, what is supposedly striking is simply derivative: you've seen it all before

But the problems with "The Cell" aren't limited to copycatting, but also to casting. Jennifer Lopez as some sort of genius therapist? That's as bad as Denise Richards as a nuclear scientist in the latest James Bond movie. Lopez is lit so that she's always glowing, very radiant, but she speaks in a little-girl voice that is simply grating.

Rent "Dreamscape" again, instead. It's better, it's more fun, it's wittier. "The Cell" is one of those movies that pre-hyped itself so much, with claims that they had to cut scenes to meet the R rating, that the gore and the nudity, etc., were so in-your-face that the MPAA wanted to give it an NC-17 rating, etc., that you walk out of the theater asking yourself, "What was all the fuss about?", drive home, and by tomorrow have forgotten all about it.

Space Cowboys (2000)

"Armageddon" + "Firefox" = "Space Cowboys"

[7/10 · 7 September 2000]

Clint Eastwood's "Space Cowboys" is certainly fun, but it certainly isn't smart. An odd mix of "Armageddon" and "Firefox," "Space Cowboys" is better than both, but that's not saying much. Likeable, fast-paced, with a predictable climax and a good cast, but very slight.

A recent plot from Hollywood has been setting over-the-hill protagonists in one last chance at redemption, one last big caper, etc., and has had some terrific entries, most notably Eastwood's "Unforgiven." Michael Dinner's new release "The Crew" falls into this genre, too. So we get the inevitable old age gags about failing eyesight, horny old men, old friends are now dead, and so on, but for a comedic action movies, "Space Cowboys" falls short on both points. It's not that funny, and it doesn't have much action. Okay, but nothing memorable.

If you're interested in Clint, rent "Unforgiven" or 'The Beguiled." If you're interested in this "genre," rent Don Siegel's "Charley Varrick" with Walter Mathau. But see "Space Cowboys" only if you're in the mood for something very, very light.

Highlander: Endgame (2000)

An unsatisfactory mix of tv and film mythology

[5/10 · 7 September 2000]

Very simply, "Highlander: Endgame" isn't very good. It attempts to combine the mythology presented in the television series with the mythology presented in the first three (actually two as the second "Highlander" installment has little to do with the plot, characters, story, etc., involved in the first "Highlander" movie) films, and it never quite manages it. For a variety of reasons: it ignores the Connor and Duncan meeting in the first episode of the "Highlander" tv series, creating a new meeting between the two; it tries to include the Watchers (again, from the tv series), only to have them appear in a (stupid and needless) subplot; series regulars Dawson and Methos appear (again, stupidly and needlessly) in a scene or two. The movie, simply, tries to have it both ways, and doesn't succeed.

Sure, Adrian Paul looks good as Duncan Macleod, but Christopher Lambert looks tired and worn-out and OLD as Connor Macleod-- I thought Immortals didn't age. A problem, too, is in the climactic battle and the explanation of why neither Connor nor Duncan has enough kills to defeat the evil Kell-- again, I thought the Immortals gained strength not through the sheer quantity of kills, but through the quality of kills (that is, if I kill 10 Immortals, and you kill 11, you're not necessarily stronger than I am, as my 10 may have killed 10 each-- so I'd now have the strength of 100 Immortals). The movie sets up a logic, then ignores the logic.

The fight scenes are shot and edited well, but the movie as a whole has a "tv series" feel to it-- although showing in widescreen aspect, it clearly was designed to be shown on the small screen, in a smaller aspect ratio.

And yes, there's room for more sequels. Expect them. But hopefully they'll hire a director with large-screen experience, and will give him a larger budget to work with. "Highlander: Endgame" just looks and feels too small, both aesthetically and narratively.

Mr. Mike's Mondo Video (1979)

Without a doubt, the funniest, sickest video you'll ever see

[10/10 · 14 July 2000]

Originally intended to be a one-shot summer replacement for Saturday Night Live, "Mr. Mike's Mondo Video" was never aired due to its aggressive, in-your-face humor: "Christmas on Other Planets," "The Church of the Jack Lord," "Laser Bra 2000," "Nazi Oven Mitts," and musical performances by RootBoy Slim and the Sex Change Band and by Sid Vicious. Never aired by NBC due to problems with the censors, instead it received very limited theatrical release. Beware the now-existing video version (if you can find it), as the Sid Vicious performance of "My Way" is missing audio-- instead you get a scroll over the video explaining that Paul Anka, who wrote "My Way" refused to give rights to the video. Too bad-- it was pretty damn funny.

The movie is sketch comedy at its sickest, not too different from the best of SNL or "TunnelVision": one of the funnier pieces ("Beautiful Women Love Disgusting Men") has Deborah Harry telling the audience that she thinks "it's cute when guys miss the toilet seat."

A must-see. Simply incredible.

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (1999)

Laugh-out-loud stupidity

[7/10 · 16 January 2000]

For the "Billy Madison," "Ace Ventura," "Whoopie Boys" fan

only, "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" has bits of hold-your-side laughter. For viewers who prefer a more

subtle humor, forget it. "Deuce" is short and surprisingly sweet-- it doesn't have nearly the vulgarity

or the nihilistic madness as does, say, "The Whoopie Boys"; and that's unfortunate, because if it did, it would be a much funnier movie. As it is, "Deuce Bigalow" plays more like an extended SNL skit-- and since it's rated PG-13, that's not surprising.

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Tired, neither intelligent nor funny

[6/10 · 16 January 2000]

The problem with "Galaxy Quest," initially, is that the plot is tired-- we've seen it (or derivations on the theme) before, from skits on Saturday Night Live to articles in the National Lampoon. But that leads directly to the movie's biggest problem: it's aimed at a 10-12 year old mentality. That is, it's a little too advanced for kids, not nearly advanced enough for adults. If it had more of a bite to it, say of a "Dark Star" type, "Galaxy Quest" could be a terrific, memorable movie. Instead, it falls into a sub-SciFi channel type of movie-of-the-week, not very good and immediately forgettable.

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

Better than the original

[7/10 · 7 November 1999]

"The House on Haunted Hill" is a better-than-average remake of a 1950's film of the same name. It's VERY LOUD, somewhat gory, and zips along at a very quick pace. Unlike this summer's stupid and worthless "The Haunting," "The House on Haunted Hill" has a self-deprecating humor that the viewer would probably enjoy. May play better on video, but the special effects are impressive, and look good on the big screen.

And it stars the incredibly beautiful Famke Jansen, so you can't go wrong there.

The Insider (1999)

Extraordinary movie, but not without problems

[7 November 1999]

"The Insider" is the latest from "Vegas" and "Miami Vice"

creator Michael Mann. Mann's also known for his "Thief,"

"Manhunter," "The Last of the Mohicans," "The Keep," and

"Heat." He also won an Emmy for "The Jericho Mile." Mann has a terrific eye and style that is strongly reminiscent

of William Friedkin back when Friedkin was good, say, "Sorcerer" and "The Brink's Job." That is to say, he uses an extremely stylish mix of documentary techniques (hand-held cameras, quick cuts, occasional long stretches

of dialogue) and the more "cinematic" (fades, dream sequences, unnatural lighting). The visual sense of "the

Insider" is impeccable, thanks to the cinematography of

Dante Spinotti. Thematically, Mann's films usually involve an accomplished loner's attempts to maintain his

level of self-respect and professional expertise when the

world around him is changing.

Here, the story is interesting, albeit at about 2hrs and

45 minutes it's way too long. And structurally the film

has one big problem: the first two thirds of the movie

chronicle the conflicts-- he worries about his children,

his wife leaves him, he receives death threats, there are

implications that he considers suicide-- of tobacco scientist Dr. Jeff Rigand (played by Russell Crowe) going

public with his inside information by granting an interview to "60 Minutes." This portion of the film is

lyrical and beautiful-- Edward Hopper-like realism slowly

dissolves into memory and fantasy-- as it shows the interior state of conflict. However, once the decision is

made not to show the interview at 60 Minutes, the movie

becomes a parallel story of one producer's (Al Pacino)

fight to maintain journalistic integrity in a corporate

world. Although both stories are intriguing, after the

very slow, methodical, suspenseful build-up of the first

section of the film, the second seems rushed and not as

important-- there's a sort of a "been there, done that"

feel to that part of the film. And it doesn't help that

the film clearly considers the real hero to be Al Pacino--

the final (slow-motion) shot is of him resigning his position, bravely going out into the cold, mean streets,

turning up his collar, all to a lot of really loud music that doesn't match the rest of the film (think

of the music you hear every time Bob Hoskins shows up in

"The Long Good Friday"). The sequence that opens the film, with a hooded Pacino negotiating an interview with

Islamic fundamentalists, and then acting as an intermediary for 60 Minutes during the bickering that precedes the filming of that interview, doesn't really add

much to the overall flow, either. That is, the correlation is obvious, equating the terrorists with the

tobacco industry, and showing that it takes an intrepid,

ethical force to be heard by both sides, but the movie is

asking too much of the viewer to equate one man's personal (ethical and professional) conflicts with another man's professional conflicts.

This is a terrific, complex, intelligent film, filled with great performances (Christopher Plummer as Mike Wallace

and Russell Crowe as Dr. Rigand are sure to get Oscar nominations), brilliant direction and camerawork, that

works on all levels.

Double Jeopardy (1999)

Predictable and stupid

[3/10 · 30 October 1999]

Bruce Beresford's "Double Jeopardy" is the nadir of his spotty career. Neither suspenseful nor smart, it's the kind of made-for-tv movie you'd see on "Lifetime"-- a wronged woman in trouble who will defy all odds (and logic) to return to her son.

By this time everyone knows the plot, so it's not worth rehashing. But it's worth commenting on the (uniformly terrible) Ashely Judd as the wronged woman is simply awful, as usual-- watching her try to emote is like watching a toothless man eat peanut brittle-- she tries, but it's a mess. Tommy Lee Jones is no better, as he just kind of sits around and grimaces and growls in an unfriendly way. Bruce Greenwood, who is a very fine actor, brings a bit of professionalism to the movie, but he's limited by 1) not having much screen time, and 2) an insipid, predictable script. For example, Ashley Judd is sent to a minimum-security prison for 4 years for murder? What? And why is it every time a film needs to show an "exotic" location they shoot in New Orleans, even when it doesn't make any narrative sense?

Save your time, save your money. If you like wronged-women-in-trouble movies, see "Caged Heat" or "Chained Heat" or any other movie with "Heat" in the title. But don't see Michael Mann's "Heat," because Ashley Judd's in that too, and she's just as unwatchable.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

DON'T BE FOOLED: boring, annoying garbage

[1/10 · 1 October 1999]

DO NOT BE FOOLED: "The Blair Witch Project" is incredibly boring, isn't scary, and contains some of the worst acting you've ever seen. Heather Donahue is the most annoying character to curse the screen since Jodi Thielan in "Four Friends," more annoying, even, than Jar-Jar Binks.

Everyone knows the story of "Blair Witch Project" by this time, due to all the hype and incessant promotion, so it's not worth the time to comment on. What could have been an interesting little horror movie looks, instead, like a C- film student's thesis project. The "acting" is loud, the characters are annoying, and the "cinematography," if we can call it that, is worthless: since most of the "scary parts" happen at night, and most of the movie is shot on a hand-held video camera, there is very little that is actually visible. That would be commendable, if the actors and sound were good enough to carry the story, but they're not. (See "Wait Until Dark" if you want a good example of how this SHOULD work.) Example: Heather hears an unidentifiable sound and mutters to herself, "What was that? What was that sound? Oh, God, I'm so scared!" Ridiculous. The filmmakers don't trust the audience to even figure out that they're supposed to be frightened.

Additionally, the events that scare the characters aren't scary: awakening to find a pile of rocks by the tent isn't scary. Heather: "Oh, my God! That pile of rocks wasn't there last night! Who could have done that?"

Also problematic is the fact that nothing happens for the first hour of the movie except the slackers get lost in the woods and whine a lot about how they hate each other.

By now you've all heard that the end of the movie is "truly frightening"; even if you find it frightening, it doesn't make up for the sleep-inducing first hour and 15 minutes.

"The Blair Witch Project" may be the stuff of nightmares, but only when you consider that the video will be out soon and that a sequel is in the works.

DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS INSIPID NONSENSE!

The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)

Bad movie, great body

[3/10 · 1 October 1999]

"The Thomas Crown Affair" is a terrible remake of a not-very-good movie, redeemable only for the topless shots of former supermodel Renee Russo.

That's it. The plot is negligible, Pierce Brosnan phoned in his part, and Dennis Leary (as usual) plays an annoying Irish cop, but I couldn't take my eyes off the beautiful Ms. Russo. There's an okay love-making scene on a stairway, a terrifically sexy ballroom dance, a topless beach scene, and a roll in the sack. Oh, and there's a painting stolen from a museum and a catamaran gets sunk.

But let's hope other directors recognize Ms. Russo's perky attributes and cast her in more, highly-visible roles.

The Haunted Sea (1997)

Large breasts, not-too-special-effects

[22 September 1999]

"The Haunted Sea" is an incredibly bad, cheap movie, noteworthy only for its short length and gratuitous nudity. Krista Allen-Morritt's so-big-they-won't-fit-in-a-football-helmet breasts are the true stars of this "Aliens", "Q, The Winged Serpent", and "Leviathan" rip-off, as she's topless at every possible occasion, including dream sequences and a shower scene.

Casting borders on the ridiculous: extraordinarily beautiful Joanna Pacula is the freighter's 2nd-in-command, and James Brolin (Barbra Streisand's paramour) is the ship's captain who uses such nautical terms as "left" and "right."

Special effects are ridiculous: the monster looks like a cheap Godilla (think of "Godzookie" on the old cartoon); animated "lightning" jumps off ancient Aztec statues; the assorted killings are amateurish at best.

See it only if you have nothing better to do for it's 84 minute running time.