Pigface1 Reviews

Kickin' It Old Skool (2007)

That 4/10 rating is about right

[4/10 · 3 May 2008]

I generally like Jamie Kennedy and thought Malibu's Most Wanted was pretty funny. But holy crap, this movie was a pile of ****.

They had a great premise to build on and they blew it. Could have had cameos all over the place, Turbo and Ozone from Breakin', Kool Moe Dee, Grandmaster Flash, etc etc.

Instead, they put in a bunch of Busch league dancers who were flat out annoying, and jokes written with zero creativity. It reminds me of another turd that came out recently, Drillbit Taylor.. Annoying characters, a script that wouldn't pass a 5th grade Creative Writing paper, with a few people that *could* have been funny (and are in other movies).

At minimum it should have been funny and it should have had some ridiculously good breakers and it failed miserably on both counts.

I'm being kind by giving it 4/10.

Rocky V (1990)

I loved this movie when it came out

[11 December 2006]

We were half way through highschool and as far as we were concerned it was one of the greatest movies ever made. I don't know how many times I saw it in the theater and later bought the 1-5 VHS box set. But, I was about 16 and didn't know any better.

Just the other night I watched it again. I love the Rocky series, but Rocky V is a steaming heap of manure. Holy crap it's bad. Whether it's the worst soundtrack of all time, Tommy Morrison's stellar acting, Duke's joke of a Don King (vs Creed's dead on 'copy' of Ali), or the son telling his dad to "Go for it," there's plenty to shake your head at.

Thank God Stallone is making Rocky Balboa and hopefully it will redeem the Rocky series.

Last Days (2005)

This is not art

[1/10 · 7 November 2005]

The only argument I'm seeing over and over for how "powerful" Last Days is, is that it's not some big budget Hollywood film.

Yeah, that's true. And most big budget Hollywood films pitiful. If I die w/out having to watch another Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller movie again, I'll be happy.

Last Days is 100% complete and pure unadulterated crap. There's no other way to put it.

If you want a dark and gritty movie that addresses the true rock and roll heroine addict's trials and tribulations, watch Perry Ferrell's "Gift." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107011/

I'm sure Van Sant did, but he didn't get it. A couple reflective shots on windows and a lack of dialog does not a movie make.

Van Sant shouldn't be blamed for making it. People have a right to make what they want. HBO and the distributors, however, should be kicked in the nuts a thousand times until they repent.

Black Devil Doll from Hell has been dethroned from being the King of the Worst Movies of All Time.

Hulk (2003)

100% Unadulterated Doo Doo

[29 December 2003]

Surprisingly I was very impressed by the CGI of the Hulk, which was the one thing I wondered about before seeing this. But, the compliments stop there. This steamy pile of crap makes Dare Devil look like Lord of the Rings.

First of all, Ang Lee found a new toy on his camera. 3 scenes at once, one scene from 2 angles at once, scenes sliding to another scene over and over. STOP IT. Yes, we understand going for the comic book feel and it's nice that someone tried to step out of the box. But damnit, there's a cutting room for a reason.

The script. . next time.. or actually, just don't let there be a next time.

This wasn't quite crap to end all crap, but it's way up there. People don't want to hear about the Hulk fighting with his Dad and his Dad's ultimate anti-climactic revenge gone wrong. They want to see the Hulk kicking butt, period. "You won't like me when I'm angry," is how the movie should start, not end.

Bruce ending up in South America? Unbelievable, Hollywood will market anything on a stick.

Planet of the Apes (2001)

People need to calm down

[8/10 · 18 November 2002]

Take this movie for what it is, not a remake, but a completely different approach to the same concept. It's not an epic like the original, it's more of a popcorn thriller. Visually, it's incredible. Everything else was just OK.

For what it is, I think the movie is awesome, but I like everything Burton has done. People need to calm down and stop acting like it's the end of the world b/c of this movie. It wasn't supposed to be a remake, and it's not.

The ending was cool. . I took it as a parallel universe.

Scary Movie (2000)

I'm gonna slash you, gash you, cut another hole in your. .

[6 December 2001]

This movie is HILARIOUS. Doofy had me rolling. ."I told you never to disturb me while I'm cleaning my room!" and Ghost Face's rap was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time.

No long drawn out details, just a positive review. There was a nice twist at the end and relatively unexpected. 9/10 as far as comedies are concerned.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Just like Lebowski. .didn't really care for it the first time I saw it.

[4 September 2001]

First time I saw it, I thought it was *ok*. . not as good as Lebowski. I watched it again, it got better, and then again, and then again. . It grows on you. Now I can't wait to see it again.. I missed a lot of the humor the first couple times around, just like Lebowski. Most of it is subtle. .

I gave the film a chance. First time I saw it, maybe a 6/10, or 7/10 at best. Now though, I'm giving it a SOLID 9/10. It's awesome. .

"We's MASS communicatin'!" "Oh yes, it's a powa-ful new force.."

The Skulls (2000)

NO.

[5/10 · 6 August 2001]

So let me get this straight. . . a couple low-life, late teen and early 20s thug friends get together and sneak into the Skulls' "headquarters," (where the CIA has hidden cameras, etc) gather any info they want, and basically have the opportunity to bring the Skulls down (in trade for an early 60s convertible Thunderbird). That's just one of the hilarious (sad?) things in this movie that takes itself seriously.

The target audience for the Skulls is responsible for a large number of crap movies in the past 5 years.. . the makers shoot for college/highschool kids who will believe anything you tell them about a conspiracy theory. Oh, and throw in people from Dawsons Creek, etc, that always helps. The Skulls belongs in the same group of movies that Urban Legends, Scream 1-2-3, Varsity Blues, I Know What You Did Last Summer, etc all belong in.. CRAP.

The story had potential. . and I stress POTENTIAL b/c it became ludicrous. I was curious to see a movie loosely based on the /are in. I should have known just how cheesy this movie would have been after the first boat racing scene.

A much, MUCH better movie along these lines to watch instead would be the Lords of Discipline. It's not an award winner, but it's Oscar material compared to the Skulls.

Just to be clear about this. . This movie is NOT so bad that it's funny. This movie is just plain BAD.

5/10 (and that's being kind)

Down to Earth (2001)

A total snore

[5/10 · 30 July 2001]

We rented it and I wasn't expecting much in the first place. . It just looked like it would be another one of the endless comedies that come out every year. This one should not have been on the big screen, nor should it have gone straight to video. It was horrible!! I like Chris Rock, his stand up is hilarious, and I loved him as Nat X on Saturday Night Live, and he was good in New Jack City. But if he's going to be an actor, then do some acting. .not that it was bad, but the material was terrible.

The story was as predictable as can be. . The worst parts were when they tried to get the audience emotionally involved, they tried to get us to care about these characters. WTF? We don't want "Steel Magnolias" or "Beaches", we want Chris Rock to be funny! He wasn't. . it was LAME. Common sense would dictate that we, the audience, should see rock as the white man, and hear him as the white man, doing the stand up. THAT would have been funny.

Anyway, this was pretty damn bad. 5/10 at best.. NOT funny, just a waste of time, but thank god it was pretty short.

Magnolia (1999)

I want my money back, and I want my time back.

[5/10 · 24 July 2001]

Well, it had some great actors and some incredible performances, and really, it had some great scenes. . some HILARIOUS scenes.

However, the last 2 hours were miserable; I was just waiting for it to end. You feel like slapping the crap out of the director and showing him what the hell a cutting room floor is. The move drags and drags, and then they go into a song that had to last at least 10 minutes with everyone singing their own little part. It was touching. And then it goes to more scenes where they keep elaborating on things you picked up in the first hour. And then they elaborate more. .and more, and then 3 hours have gone by and they're STILL elaborating.

And then it drags on more and more. .It's like his mind was going in so many directions that he could never focus to get his point across in a scene, much less the movie. "Put down the speed, put down the coffee, FOCUS, get to the point. . in less than 3 1/2 hours."

The frog deal was the only thing that made the last 2 hours somewhat interesting.

The director has some great ideas. . I just think HE needs a LOT of direction. If I remember correctly, Boogie Nights was LONG also. Just b/c a movie is 3 hours long doesn't make it an epic. GET TO THE POINT.

Anyway, it just makes me respect people like the Coen brothers that much more.

The Big Lebowski (1998)

I HATED this movie the first time I saw it

[10/10 · 18 July 2001]

First time I saw it, I don't think I laughed a single time. Then I caught it on tv a few times, bits and pieces. Then I bought it. . Now I've seen it at the minimum 100 times and find something new EVERY time, and my gut hurts after it's over. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Period. A scene doesn't go by where it doesn't have at least 2 levels to a joke, if not 3 or 4. Caddy Shack, Fast Times, etc, doesn't touch it. I've seen O Brother several times, and it's great and I own it, but it's not the Masterpiece that Lebowski is. Fargo?? Please.

Walter, the Dude, Donnie, deine kabe guy, BRANDT, all of them, played perfectly.

It's the subtle things. . things like, "Do you see a wedding ring on my finger" while showing his right hand. The cop at his house casually looking at his pot in his ash tray. . the Dude's check for $.69 . . on and on

Hey, there's even a special appearance by Asia Carrera. heh

"What you have over there is a bunch of fig eaters trying to find Reverse on a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary. The man in the black pajamas, now THAT was a worthy adversary." Who's wearing pajamas, Walter? "Shut the F up Donnie.

The Fast and the Furious (2001)

Ummmmm. .yeah right.

[4 June 2001]

Well, I'll say it was much better than Driven, but not by much. The bad thing about this movie is every kid with an import and coffee can exhaust is going to be weaving in and out of traffic looking to race for the next year. Hopefully the cops will put them in their place, if not, the V8 drivers will.

Anyway, not a BAD flick as long as you go in understanding that it's fantasy.

Meet the Parents (2000)

An insult

[6/10 · 23 October 2000]

You people laughing at this movie are only hurting yourselves, and forcing the industry to pump out more similar garbage. This movie is not funny just like Deuce Bigalow is not funny. I suppose it is to people that still think Saturday Night Live is hilarious, but obviously they need some help with their sense of humor.

If you want funny, watch the Big Lebowski over and over. .of course if you are the type of person that found Meet the Parents a comedy classic, you won't understand it anyway.

Meet the Parents made Howard the Duck look like a comedic masterpiece. I felt like I was in the middle of another horrible movie, The Faculty, and everyone laughing had been brainwashed.

What's the deal with all the lame comedies these days. . where are the Caddy Shacks and Fast Times at Ridgemont High? No, instead we get pieces of doo doo such as American Pie and Meet the Parents, and YOU PEOPLE provoke them to make more of it!

What a shame. Oh, by the way. . Ben Stiller, yep. . he's not funny either. He and David Spade should collaborate and make the largest comedy flop in history.

Lost & Found (I) (1999)

Can you say, "Doo doo?"

[1/10 · 23 October 2000]

David Spade. Its not his fault, its the Saturday Night Live bozos that hired him and told him he was funny in the first place. Same deal with Colin Quinn and these other clowns that just don't know when to quit it. Poor Will Ferrel, he should go to Mad TV where they have some talent..

Anyway, this movie. My god, David Spade is blatantly playing himself, the twit in high school nobody liked because of his relentless cynicism that has no punch line or humor, except for himself.

He got a new fat guy for the movie. What, David is thinking he carried Chris Farley through several movies and so he can carry another fat guy? It makes me wonder if Spade has EVER generated a laugh on his own. I can't think of one.

Sophie Marceau. . I love her to death, they should have just filmed her throughout the whole movie.. perhaps David could have been lost, and then they find him at the end. That was the only shot this thing had.

American Movie (1999)

Absolutely hilarious, 100% entertaining

[30 May 2000]

Anyone remotely interested in making films will love this movie..

I rented it in a hurry. .saw the box cover and said, "that looks good," and checked out. When the movie started, I kept fast forwarding b/c I thought it was another preview, then rewound, and thought, "Well, I rented another piece of crap." (this was shortly after I watched the indie-disaster "Social Intercourse.")

American Movie is absolutely hilarious. .you have a 30 year old not-quite-totally-burned out director who's creating a 35 minute short film that's taking him 2 years so far, and he doesn't even know how to pronounce the title. When someone tells him how to pronounce it, well, he meant to call it cO-ven in the first place,. .etc The characters are great, right down to his best friend who rewrote a Black Sabbath song and changed a word to make it his own. .

Anyway, you gotta see it. .not your typical documentary, and though a look into real lives, is a great story. . Mike will definitely get what he's working for.

Social Intercourse (1998)

Oh my god this movie is bad

[5/10 · 30 May 2000]

I love indie films, budget has nothing to do with it. In fact, most large budget movies are horrible now days.

Man oh man, this movie!!! How in the hell did it get in the video stores? I just saw "American Movie," a documentary, low budget indie movie that was incredible. .

But Social Intercourse, the acting was TERRIBLE. . I mean really bad, the story had potential, but that's it. As far as a great party movie, well, sorta. .we watched a movie called, "Black Devil Doll from Hell" at a party and it was a hit. . but that's because it was so damn bad.

I must be missing something.

Poison Ivy: The New Seduction (1997 Video)

Yes!

[16 December 1999]

God awful movie? You think? No, Godzilla was a god awful movie because it TRIED to be good.

Poison Ivy 3 was not trying to be good in the sense of acting, or a plot, or anything other than what it should be. A vehicle for Jaime Pressly's backside, frontside, and side-side.

Wonderful. I love it. There should be a Poison Ivy 3 channel that shows it all the time, over and over and over again.

Look, if you're disappointed in this movie, fine. You were watching it for all the wrong reasons.

PLEASE let there be a Poison Ivy 4 for the simple fact that I can't wait to see who they would pick to star in it. Hmm.. .now, who's up and coming, is very attractive, but has zero acting talent? (NO OFFENSE MISS BARRYMORE, you DO have talent and you were the first poison ivy!)

Well, this formula of good looks, up and coming and no talent points only one direction. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Aaaaaaand, ACTION!

If anyone's interested, let me know and I'll write the script.. should take about a day. Thanks.

The Omega Code (1999)

Well, "Dogma" is coming out soon at least

[1/10 · 5 November 1999]

What else is left to say?

I've read all the reviews here and most are right on. . However, one person even went so far as to call this movie evil and that Satan tainted it (or something along those lines). Evil?! Wow, what a shocker. . I mean, TBN basically made this film. Open your eyes please.

Anway, this was the very lowest grade of propoghanda nonsense that has come along in years.

The most terrifying thing about Omega Code is how much money they spent to make it. If this movie can be made, there are no limits, and therefore, we have no choice but to get ready for "Yentl 2", and "Ernest Loses the Omega Codes."

For those of you who are into the biblical stories, the new movie Dogma will pickup where Omega Code never started.