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The Ninth Gate (1999)
WARNING
CONTAINS SPOILERS
So my parents and I went out to see a movie last night. I was not in the mood to see something deep and tear-jerking on my first day of Spring Break, so we decided we would see the Ninth Gate, figuring that my dad would like stuff that got blown up, and my mom and I could sit there and drool over Johnny Depp.
The first major hint of the evening was that these people were cutting in front of us in line. My dad made sort of a deal about it, and the people were surly and not very forgiving. It wasn't until after the movie that we realized these people were trying to tell us something, like guardian angels or whatnot.
So the movie starts out, and yummy there's Johnny Depp, and he's looking for some books about Satan. And then he looks for the books some more. And then some people die because supposedly someone else wants these books. As the audience and I sat there for what seemed like at least one full term of pregnancy, only more painful, the movie started revealing that someone had dropped something on the script and that all the major plot points had been destroyed.
So finally, we find out there's something to do with the pictures in this book, and if somebody puts all the pictures together and says some Satanic incantation, then he or she gets invincibility or some such nonsense. So this guy steals all the pictures, and Johnny Depp finds him in a castle saying the incantation, and then the guy sets himself on fire, and he dies. Um, okay. After that, Depp steals all the pictures, then goes outside while the castle is on fire, and has sex with this demon/angel girl on the lawn. (This girl pops in and out of the movie, but nothing ever explains why.)
Here's the kicker, and I have no qualms about telling you the ending because none of you will ever see this movie if you value your sanity, your health, or your $9.50. The people writing the script got to a challenging point, that point being that there was absolutely nowhere left to go since all the main characters except Depp and this girl had been killed off. Someone obviously said, "How are we going to end this movie?" And someone else said, "Let's just end it." Thus, Depp is riding along in the car with this chick, and he says, "Why did the guy not become invincible?" And the girl says, "Because one of his pictures is a forgery." And he says, "Where's the other one?" The girl says, "At this place in Spain." Depp says, "Okay," and goes there.
Depp is in this place in Spain. He doesn't look for the picture, because it falls of a bookshelf at his feet. He picks it up. Then goes back to the castle. The castle has a lot of light inside. He goes inside the castle.
END OF MOVIE, CREDITS START ROLLING
"NO!" screamed the audience. "NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! WE SAT THROUGH THIS ENTIRE MOVIE, HALF OF THE AUDIENCE NOW HAS BEARDS, AND THAT'S THE END? NOOOOOO!!!!"
I seriously want to hurt someone. Maybe Roman Polanski who directed it. Who thought this movie was a good idea? My favorite part, I must say, is that this angel/demon girl has no explanation for being in the movie. Somebody said, "Hey, dude! Let's have this chick, and she's sort of an angel or something, and she can be pretty, and like, dude, at the end! She can have sex with Johnny Depp while this castle is on fire! Heh, heh! Fire! Fire! Sex! Destruction! Heh, heh!"
This movie gets 7 out of 10 Picnics at Hanging Rock. The movie was fine up until it just ended out of nowhere, only because I was expecting some big finish. Also, yummmm, Johnny Depp.
Jane Eyre (1996)
Woof!
Yeah, you know, Jane Eyre is supposed to be PLAIN, but not an unfeeling stone statue. Had she been perchance a little more enthused, this movie might not have been so painful to watch. I really liked the book, and I understand how important it was for her to be portrayed as plain, but this woman took it to a new extreme. I gave this movie a 3, because, hey, at least it was better than Picnic at Hanging Rock.
That's More Entertainment! (1995)
Who decided this sequel was okay?
Of all the That's Entertainments!, I shudder to consider this one part of them. It's nothing but a commercial endeavor to sell old musicals that: (a) no one's ever heard of, and (b) for good reason, since they're terrible.
I rented a couple. They were appallingly bad. This movie isn't much better.
That's Entertainment, Part II (1976)
The Weakest of the Trilogy
This particular TE! is very much trapped in time. While it does have a bunch of great songs and pieces, the musical interludes in between old footage are almost embarrassing. The other 2 TE!s were much better.
That's More Entertainment! on the other hand, was absolutely hideous.
Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)
Warning: Beware of this Movie
If I had to sum up this movie, I would say this: a bunch of pictures of a rock sprinkled with pretentious and possibly drug-induced dialogue.
This movie was absolutely intolerable. It was not only approximately three weeks long, but much of the length of the movie was filled with pictures of the same rock taken from different angles. Erosion, according to my definition, sure doesn't change much of anything in only a two-day span.
Nonetheless, I'm very suspicious of a movie wherein the main sequence of suspense occurs when a girl can't memorize a poem. This movie practically caused me to have suicidal tendencies.
Because of this reason, every time I go to the video store, I take the Picnic at Hanging Rock video, and I hide it. Just imagine: it could fall into the hands of an unsuspecting child!
Keep America safe. Eliminate P@HR.