Cristian-3 Reviews

The Young Girls of Rochefort (1967)

Possibly my favourite musical, definitely an acquired taste, and YES there is an English version!

[10/10 · 28 February 2001]

I just wanted to say I truly love this film and I do believe there will be a great deal of different opinions on it. My point in this post is that I have read in many places that the English language version of this film was never released and/or it's lost. This is not true at all as the first time I watched it was in English on television, late night during a stay in Brazil, with Portuguese subtitles. The catchphrase of "Je vais en Nantes, Je vais en perm' a Nantes" translated to "I'm going to Toulouse, I've nothing to lose."

The soundtrack is currently available on a fantastic new 2-CD set that replaces the long out-of-print 2 LP set, and includes the song "A Pair of Twins" in English! The LP, though, with its booklet and liner notes and pictures is a tough act to follow. Ah well.

I wish this movie would come out on DVD with both versions and greet a whole new generation of fans. Here's hoping this will happen within our lifetimes, while some of us are still young.

The Young Girls of Rochefort was an ambitious effort that paid off very generously in artistic terms but it was not as great a success in the box-office as Demy's previous "Umbrellas of Cherbourg". The score in "Rochefort" is sometimes a little repetitive but the soundtrack to me is the best one ever for a musical....or at least a French musical.

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)

One of the two best movies ever made!

[5 December 2000]

Forget "Terminator 2", forget "Jaws" or "The Matrix" or any of those groundbreaking yet utterly predictable movies. What I am reviewing here is simply one (the other being its sequel) of the most fantastic works of art ever committed to celluloid, a movie of such vision and imagery as to haunt anyone who sees it for the rest of their lives. This is a movie that, if you just happen watch it on tv as a child you will be asking people 15 years later what it was and it will become so dear to your heart you'll have owned a copy in every conceivable format. VHS, CED, LD, VCD, DVD, Phase 4 Plasma crystal...well, in the future. If you see it as a teenager it will leave its mark on you and you might actually refuse to see it again because you will not want your fond memories of this movie wrecked, but I assure you, its magic and power will last a lifetime. One day, when you're no longer young, you will look back at this movie and remember what it was like to really feel alive. The main couple will be young forever on film, forever kissing as if each time was the first time. Young forever will remain the heroes.

And this I appreciate about it: finally a movie with teen heroes who actually are teenagers, not 30 year-old Eric Stoltz-types. Our hero was only 17 when he was picked to play the youthful leader of a motorcycle gang.

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1983)

The year is 1990. The place is the Bronx. In an alternate reality where crime has supposedly risen to such impossible heights that the police no longer attempt to enforce the law in the Bronx, Trash and his gang of Riders fight a corrupt corporation's efforts to destroy gang rule in the Bronx.

By 1990 most of the Bronx was owned by the evil Manhattan Corporation. This unscrupulous organisation was bent on dominating and owning the entire Bronx for the financial gains. They used of force to move people out of their homes. Naturally they needed the government out of their way so they exaggerated the Bronx's crime rate to get the government to give up on enforcing the law and left it up to the Manhattan Corporation to rule the place. However there was a flaw in the plan.

The Bronx may belong to the M.C. on paper but it really belonged to street gangs. In an environment where only the strong will survive, the many gather together to become stronger. Tribes are formed and together they protect their property and take justice into their own hands. And ruling over all is The Ogre.

Yes, that would be Fred Williamson! In the year when this was made it was already considered hyper-cool to have Fred Williamson in a movie. And he is here, yet another reason why this movie is AWESOME! As the Ogre, Williamson totally runs the show and steals every scene that he is in. We can see why other gangs fear him. His mere image imposes respect. He is regarded as a king, as THE King of the Bronx by everyone, friend or foe...only his foes don't get to live long, dig?

It's in this lawless world that we meet 17 year-old Trash. This young men is way wise beyond his years. He has the beauty of youth and his eyes reflect the wisdom of ages. Even older members of his gang respect him as their undisputed leader. And they look to him for answers when members of various gangs start showing up dead.

Enter Ann. She runs into the Hell we call The Bronx, runs straight into Trash's arms. Who is this troubled young woman? Who or what is she running away from? This girl shows up out of nowhere, purposedly trying to enter the Bronx and is attacked by members of a gang named "The Zombies". The Zombies rollerskate around in white hockey gear with large epaulets and they tease Ann before closing in for the kill. She is rescued by Trash and she is eternally grateful to him.

The climate in the Bronx is tense. Although most gangs can share the Bronx as long as no one enters the other's turf, all hell can break loose at any moment. Hell..that's what this place is. Hell.

As two members of Trash's gang are making out in the stairs of a building, a lone mailman makes his way up the steps. He is carrying a long parcel. As he makes his way through the ruined building, one of Trash's men threatens the postman. But, there is something fishy here. The postman turns and dispatches the Rider with shots from a rifle he was concealing in the package. Why, IT'S VIC MORROW!!!

VIC MORROW!! One great underrated american actor! Here he plays a great villain, a mercenary working for the Manhattan Corporation. His name is Hammer. He believes in nothing, he will stop at nothing. His only loyalties are to himself. As Hammer, Vic is what Tom Atkins usually tries to be, but only Morrow can be Morrow. A dedicated character actor, Morrow was killed in California, while filming TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE. I remember the very day, July 23, 1982. Morrow is an interesting casting choice because he truly was a Bronx native. He had been playing heavies since 1955's "Blackboard Jungle", an early JD flick, alongside Sidney Poitier, so by this time he had elevated it into an artform in itself! This was his next to last movie. Before that he had also been in a different italian film with James Franciscus named L'ULTIMO SQUALO. His character's last name in that movie was also Hammer, if I remember correctly.

So now I have explained the plot elements and I will not spoil anything else about this fantastic action-horror movie. The stage is set for the ride of your life in this NON-STOP movie where every minute something new happens. Boy, was I surprised to see BIG APE HIMSELF, Mr. George Eastman as Golan, the leader of the Zombies! He has a great little fight scene with someone in the cast...and I really don't want to spoil anything but it is one of my favourite scenes. The Ogre has a henchowoman named "Witch" who is anything but, unless it's meant to say she's enchanting! Like a superheroine from a Marvel comic book (Not DC....they'd never get it right), Witch is a leather clad kitten with a deadly whip! Trash's right hand man, Ice, looked like a young Steve Jobs. ;-) But everything in this movie is so crazy and hypnotic! The costumes of the different gangs, the ruins of the Bronx...this movie plays like a modern-day fantasy-quest!

The acting is a little uneven but this is to be expected in a international co-production where actors speak different languages and have their lines dubbed in afterwards. Mark Gregory as Trash is simply incredible. In more than one touching scenes he actually cries! The tough exteriour is briefly removed so we can get a glimpse of the real man inside.

Ann is played by Stefania Girolami, daughter of actor Ennio Girolami who is also here as the President of the Manhattan Corporation. Director Enzo Castellari has his usual cameo, in this case as the Vice-President.

This is a movie that is incredible, and its sequel was even better!

1990 i guerrieri del Bronx Also Known As: 1990: The Bronx Warriors (1983)

********** Ten stars out of a possible Five!

LEAVE THE BRONX!

Ghoulies II (1987)

Interesting entry in GHOULIES series

[10 November 2000]

Some people here may think "No one on this Earth would spend the 16 quid to buy this on DVD". They're partly right. No one but people like me, that is. I have been interested in John Carl Buechler's campy makeup FX since I was first introduced to the notorious "Troll" (1986). I love how all his creatures seem related, be they Trolls, Ghoulies, every creature in TARZAN: The Epic adventures or more recently Watchers: Reborn.

I enjoy reminiscing about the good old days when stop-motion was king and it took the mastery of a Ray Harryhausen to impress an audience.

Stop motion has seen its day. In 1925 grown, mature adults screamed in awe at the screening of "The Lost World", with Willis O'Brien's fantastic dinosaurs. Nowadays a 6 year old cousin of mine will watch the classic "Land of the lost" with its Gene Warren dinosaurs and Krofft productions rubber-suited Sleestaks and say "Everything looks like it's pretend, except the people". (Maybe they shouldn't have mixed 16mm stop motion with live footage shot on 1"videotape).

But even in the pre-"Jurassic Park" days of 1987 which is when this entry in the Ghoulies series was shot the effects looked cheap, the rubber suited monster looked like a man in a rubber suit and the overall effect was pure camp. Bad? I don't know. The movie wasn't trying to be "Jaws" or an innovator on any level.

Although it's the kind of movie that makes some people ask, "who the hell financed this silliness and why?", movies like "Ghoulies 2" have a certain charm to them, a naive charm (even if no muscle).

The plot is your traditional "Let's put on a show to save this place", but with Ghoulies instead of Rooney and Garland. The movie has a strangely familiar beginning. A man running away from hooded cult members. Wasn't this how Halloween 6 started? We are introduced to carny wannabe Damon Martin and his washed out drunken ex-magician uncle (How does that go again? Every kid has an uncle who's a magician). They run a haunted house named "Satan's Den" in a travelling Carnival. A very unprofitable haunted house since Uncley can't stay sober enough to run the business properly, and the public finds the attraction silly rather than scary.

This is an ironic angle. In some way the Haunted House represents movies like this one. The public isn't really scared to go into this "horror" attraction. The rudimentary animatronics, decapitations, electrocutions inside are banal to even a very young public weaned on the very best of horror gore effects in movies and the horrors shown on reality tv all the time. Two very young kids enter the Den by themselves and aren't taken by anything at all they see until they spot the Ghoulies, who decided to inhabit the joint.

A typical 1987 yuppie announces that his company now owns the carnival and that unless the Den shows profit it will be replaced by a mud-wrestling show. The Den however becomes a sensation because the eager public flocks to see the "rats", er, Ghoulies. But everything is threatened again once the ghoulies start killing people.

There is also a insipid romantic subplot, but I don't want to spoil anything. Anyway, this movie stars Mr. Torok the Troll himself, Phil Fondacaro. One of the best small actors of his time, Phil here stars as a Shakespeare-obsessed carny. There is a scene in the first quarter of the movie which I will not spoil for anyone, but it involves Phil and a monster suit. I just really, REALLY wish they had taken this scene a lot further than they did.

We all know it's supposed to be a Gremlins ripoff. The makers knew that too, but I find this entry at least comparable to Gremlins 2.

Ghoulies 3, though, was a lot better.

Extra Terrestrial Visitors (1983)

Possibly the REAL inspiration for ALF!

[6 November 2000]

To quote a rather unsympathetic character from this film, "It STINKS!".

So this is the infamous "Return of E.T.". Well would you look at that! Nothing's happening! No Henry Thomas here. That's because this movie has NOTHING TO DO WITH E.T.! Instead it's a rather ludicrous ripoff, completely incomprehensible and oddly enough, spoken in about two languages.

This movie ran in South America with Portuguese subtitles, so nobody even bothered dubbing the whole thing into English. This means we get a smorgasbord, checkered soundtrack where they'll say something in Spanish and get replied to in English. Maybe other viewers will be luckier.

Anyway, following in the success of E.T. is this fog-laden ripoff. I've never seen so much fog is a movie. Even John Carpenter's "The Fog" had less fog than this. I suspect it was a long workaround the fact that the "E.T." was terrible makeup and costume. A static Aardvark mask EXACTLY like the one you could buy some 15 years ago in Spain (but slightly altered) and a child sized gorilla suit make up "Trumpy" and his race. The inspiration was most likely the alien from "The Far Out Space Nuts".

Watching this movie is extremely painful. For one thing it looks like some 10 different movies mixed into one.

The movies starts with something approaching a bad matte painting of Earth accompanied by what sounds like a Casio score. Get used to these 3 chords. You'll hear them over and over for the duration of the movie. Then we cut to three hunters lost in the fog. They are looking for bird eggs. Okay. That's one movie. But why are they carrying guns to look for bird eggs? We get an answer to this in movie #2, when the same people are watching park rangers drive into a fog. Once the rangers go away the hunters get ready to hunt deer in the fog.

Cutaway to movie #3. A bunch of obnoxious 30 year-old teenagers are recording a pop tune in a recording studio. We're supposed to care about them? Ok. We'll try very hard. They stay in the studio for about 10 minutes. Joke of note: a guy wearing a tee shirt that says "I'm a virgin".

Fortunately movie#3 doesn't last long and we jump to movie#4. The characters of movie#3 are boarding a camper. It seems they've decided to drive to the country for the weekend once they're done recording their completely puzzling song.

Back to movie #2 the hunters run into this cave full of alien eggs and one of them decides to gleefully break all the eggs, He gets attacked. Yay. Looks like finally something's gonna happen. But that doesn't last long and now the teens are driving into the fog. I don't want to continue writing about this "plot" for much longer so here's what happens. This kid whose mom doesn't seem to care much about him has several animals in his bedroom. I'll bet "IT STINKS". So what's one more? Well, he finds an egg in the fog and hatches it himself. Out comes a miniature aardvark he immediately names "Trumpy". Trumpy starts out like one of those drinking birds toys but soon he's Phil Fondacaro in a monster suit. He has psychic powers and shows them to the kid by re-enacting the "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down" scene from "Mary Poppins" (the Disney version, not the better, Russian version).

Meanwhile momma Trumpy is out in the fog killing everyone. But not soon enough. The producers rented a fog machine and by golly they're gonna use it!

This movie is only good if you're in a mood to joke about a bad movie. I can watch Troll 2 several times but I can't watch this several times because it's really really really slow paced. Troll 2 might be BAD but "The Return of E.T." is pure evil!!

Directed by the hopelessly untalented Juan Piquer Simon (of "The Rift", "Slugs" and "Cthulhu Mansion"), this movie proves that every country has its Ed Wood jr. I got from the credits that this was a Canada-Spain co-production. This would explain how they got away with calling this "The Return of E.T."

At least they didn't call it "The Return of ALF" (who resembles Trumpy a lot more).

The Crawlers (1990)

NO TROLLS ANYWHERE!

[1/10 · 26 October 2000]

So this is the infamous Troll 3. Would you look at that? Nothing's happening! No trolls anywhere to be seen here! That's only one reason why this film SUCKS!

It's not one you can watch alone because part of the fun would come from joking about it with someone else. Watching by yourself is just torture! TOR-CHAR!

Maybe this movie should have been called "The Living Dead who Refuse to Rot" because the majority of the "actors" talk like zombies! Like the Sheriff character. Oh my goodness! Here's probably one of the worst actors to ever be in a non-porn movie. And I thought the mother in Troll 2 was bad! But he's not the only one! The boss in the power plant and just about everyone here is terrible!

Worst line delivery: "Ok, doctor we'll just evacuate the entire country before you can say Jack Robinson". Actually anything said by the sheriff makes you want to kill him. He's amazing in the sense that every single line he says sounds exactly the same!

There are no little creatures here, no trolls, no goblins, no nothing. Whoever renamed this movie to "The Crawlers" and removed the "Troll 3" name shows me there is hope for the world after all. Because this movie HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TROLLS!

They must've saved a lot of money by using killer roots instead of creatures.

Who finances this kind of c**p and why? I can only think that the targeted audience is that of non-english speaking countries where the people are used to dubbing.

I bought this (for $3.75) expecting at least the fun I had with Troll 2 because in spite of that movie's long list of shortcomings it had some very funny elements. None of those elements are present in Troll 3. There is however a hysterical scene where the killer roots kill a man in a suit who's chasing the "hero" with a gun. The guy takes forever and a day to die and he screams pathetically through it all.

Troll 2 had a little boy and a monster on the video cover, neither of which were in the movie. Troll 3 has a sexy girl on the "Crawlers" cover who, you've guessed it, is nowhere to be seen in the movie.

Troll 3 just plain sucks.

Single Action (1998)

One of the funniest things I've ever seen!

[1/10 · 14 September 2000]

I can't believe this movie was ever made! It steals *entire pages* of dialogue and action from "A Fistful of Dollars", "A Few Dollars More" and "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly". It's supposed to take place in the present but it's still a Western and the "Hero" carries a single action revolver from the 19th century as his weapon, along with his palmtop computer.

I don't know what they were thinking. I don't know if this was meant to make people laugh or not. There are one or two original ideas (such as using the fat man as a shield) which I guess might have come from Gallardo's association with Robert Rodriguez. But the rest is just a way of ripping off Leone. Director/Star Gallardo's "Amigo" (that's his name) apes Clint Eastwood but is nowhere even close as much fun or authentic. He's not a bad actor in other things, but unfortunately he has not paid attention to Eastwood's comment of "A man's gotta know his limitations". ;-) And for one thing, Ennio Morricone is sorely missed! I didn't think Gallardo was as bad as the villain, though. The villain was a ham and he was terrible! His pale imitation of Gian Maria Volonte was embarassing to watch and a lesson that one should never just copy something. The other problem was the video editing. It was shot on film but edited on video like a cheap mexican soap opera. It's full of terrible transitions which have a totally different look from the finished product.

Amazing that this even got made. I strongly suggest anyone who has seen the who Leone trilogy lately should watch this with friends to laugh at it. As a comedy for those in the know I would give it a 7, as a serious self contained movie, I'd have to give it a negative 1000000 in originality.

Africa Express (1975)

One of the most fun Giuliano Gemma movies ever

[10/10 · 8 September 2000]

This is a lot of fun to watch, I've seen it quite a few times, own the soundtrack (am playing it now - has the cool "Maeba" african song) and am a big fan of Biba the Chimp! ;-) Giuliano Gemma gets a chance to play a comic role tailored specifically for him, Ursula Andress is very sexy and Jack Palance chew up the scenery at every turn. This film had a sequel called Safari Express with the same cast as the original, but is harder to find. To add to the confusion, some distributors released both this movie and the sequel as "Tropical Express"!! I still recommend this as a great family film. Kids will love the animals and parents will appreciate the intelligent humour. Then the parents might kill the kids if they don't stop saying "Maeba" around the house.

Too bad there were only two in this series. Maybe it's not too late for a reunion? :o)

Caingangue (1973)

Feijoada Western*

[13 March 2000]

Caingangue was a beautiful western, short in plot but incredibly unique in execution. This was a story of a young man who lost his father in an ambush, was attacked himself and left to die. He was found by a tribe of Caingangue indians who nursed him back to health and raised him. He assumed the name "Caingangue" in honour of the tribe that raised and trained him and set out to gun down the men responsible for his father's death.

Caingangue rides into town, attracts the attention of the bad guy land baron and his wife, stays with the rich undertaker, gets beaten up, outguns some bad guys and so on. Like I said, plot itself wasn't very original, but I would *love* to see it again. It borrowed heavily from Sergio Leone westerns, especially "A Fistful of Dollars", but it was filmed and set in the beautiful south of Brazil! I wish there had been more like it, it was an outrageous concept for its time. Bright, rich, almost cartoony, colours throughout, this was an interesting experience.

*(Feijoada Western--brazilian form of "Spaghetti Western", as Feijoada is the most typical brazilian food).

The Iron Giant (1999)

Your child absolutely MUST watch this movie

[10/10 · 8 November 1999]

I think by the time you reach this comment you will already know who's in it, what it's about and all. I will just explain here that you really should take your kid to this movie, especially on a big screen. It's very powerful, and very well made. It's a beautiful tale for both girls and boys.

It also is very good for children to see certain realities displayed onscreen, regarding talking to strangers, even if they say they wear a badge. These days with the CPS stealing children from their homes like crazy it's good to have the child know not to get in strangers' cars no matter what they pretend to be and not feel that they have to speak to them without a parent present. A definite recommendation. I'm also happy this was a Warner Bros release because there's a nice exchange/moral lesson about Superman that would not be there if this had been filmed by another studio. Beautiful. I cried and I'm almost 30!

The Bachelor (1999)

Watch "Seven Chances"

[1 October 1999]

The sight of an army of brides in white chasing a man down the streets is a very unusual and funny one. It was especially funny the first time around, with Buster Keaton. In "Seven Chances" (1925) old stone face played a man who had been left an inheritance of a large sum of money ($7 million)under the condition that he get married before his next birthday...which happens to be the following day. His efforts to find a willing bride results in ridicule, a car wreck, etc. He finally puts an ad in the paper, telling the circumstances, and asking for the applying bride to meet him at the church. At least a thousand women ranging from fat, small, young, old, beautiful, downright misshapen arrive at the church. Well, the same exact thing happens in this movie "The Bachelor" (though inflation has turned $7 Million into $100 million), only I gotta say the Keaton version is still the original and unsurpassed (and unsurpassable) masterpiece. I actually couldn't believe they named it "The Bachelor", it's a very boring title.

Alice the Whaler (1927)

A precursor to "Steamboat Willie"

[12 July 1999]

Lois Hardwick was a very expressive, vivid Alice. It is only too bad that when she was brought on board (no pun intended) Walt had begun to lose interest in his Alice Comedies, and these weren't as full of hybrid (live action and animation together) segments as the earlier efforts. Lois is in few shots here, but one can only wonder how great these last Alice Comedies would've been if they had featured her in as many hybrid segments as before. Lois appears against a generic background for the most part, generally laughing by herself. Surprisingly, there's very little of Julius the cat as well in this cartoon. I could almost clock him in for a total of 5 seconds. Not too surprisingly, on the other hand, is that the main character in this movie is a nameless mouse. Foreshadowing. Anyway, this mouse has rather long ears, almost like a bunny. At one point he uses his ears as wings to fly after a seagull. This would be a character in between Oswald the Lucky Rabbit and Mickey Mouse. The quality of the animation supercedes all previous Alice efforts. Characters don't persistently change colours and shadings and frames don't skip. This was similar to Steamboat Willie in quality. One of the scenes involving the mouse and some spuds was reworked into that later film as a Mickey Mouse routine. My only other complaint asides from the under-using of Lois Hardwick was the lack of a proper ending.

Alice's Orphan (1926)

Weak entry.

[12 July 1999]

This entry has many more elaborate background paintings than most previous Alice comedies. It is also my least favourite. I'm a fan of the series and I understand that the Disney humour in those days was very tentative. But it was hard for me to stomach a scene where Julius actually MURDERS a female cat he originally saved from drowning just because, well, once he got a good look at her he saw she was ugly. To me that tainted the cartoon.

Outside of that, the animation is good and the sets are elaborate, but once again we're cut off in an abrupt ending and only see about 10 seconds of Alice. Avoid the "sonorised" version at all costs.

Alice's Balloon Race (1926)

Interesting entry in "Alice Comedies" series

[12 July 1999]

This is one of the few entries in the Alice Comedies where the animated action can stand on its own without being hurt by the absence of Alice. There is very little of her live action incorporated into the short, but Julius' attempts to keep her balloon afloat make this a very funny and successful short.

Alice Chops the Suey (1925)

Alice Chops no Suey in this one.

[12 July 1999]

As a rule I like all of the Alice Comedies, but some more than others. I rate my Alice Comedies accordingly, and many aspects are taken into consideration. "Alice Chops the Suey" is a non-plotter. It begins by ripping off the usual "Out of the Inkwell" opening by having a human hand pull out Julius and Alice out of an inkwell (duh). The duo is then harassed for no apparent reason by a giant Mandarin Rat and his gang. To save on compositing Alice into the cartoon, the movie has Julius the cat hide Alice in a black bag which he carries for the remainder of the cartoon, most of which is spent outsmarting the Fu-Manchu-like hordes of rats. A definite low point in the series.