All in all I have little words to describe how awful this movie is. While I watched it I had the sensation that could ONLY be described as having my face melted like that bad guy from "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark". I think that our friend PITOF (what sort of name is this!?) probably opened the Lost Ark and filmed its content, that's the only explanation. I saw "Ninja Force", "Psychocop", "Dreamcatcher", "Tank Girl" and the worst peat of all time (until now), "Manos, the Hands of Fate", and, all you MST3k fans out there like me, I'm sorry to inform, this IS the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I believed in Manos until I saw this. Make way for Catwoman up to worst #1! The chosen one that would beat Manos is finally here!
Reviews
16 Reviews
Titus
(1999)
Simple excellence
13 January 2004
No spoilers here.
This is a Shakespeare play, and this one is no comedy, I must say. Shakespeare liked the Rome background, and exploited it quite, though with some anachronysms, and, in this one, a victorious general, Titus, returns to Rome amidst the succession dispute following the death of the Caesar. Soon he will be entangled in a vicious plot.
Yes, Titus is the early, sensational, Shakespeare play, but, it displays to us what can be most dreadful in human nature. A story of vengeance like I've never seen, I felt myself tossed to the pits of utter filth when I first read it. It's violent, violent, violent and simple, yet, not cheesy. It's a kind of violence that you wouldn't ever see in action-packed movies with bullets afly.
The movie can hold you to your seat if you have watched other Shakespeare play based movies previously, for it is intense. The background and costumes are not genuine Rome, they were modified to something that resembles the movie "Dune", but nothing is ridiculously anachronic, like I thought of that DiCaprio "Romeo & Juliet", which made me leave the seat in the very beginning (the "Sword" scene). This movie Titus doesn't try to be historical or actual, it's more surreal-like, with original, abridged, text. The violence is quite explicit, so have your stomach ready.
Alas, the acting is great! Totally recommended, this story is the Centaurs' Feast! Our journey shall be a very long and ominous journey, but you shall part on it with me.
This is a Shakespeare play, and this one is no comedy, I must say. Shakespeare liked the Rome background, and exploited it quite, though with some anachronysms, and, in this one, a victorious general, Titus, returns to Rome amidst the succession dispute following the death of the Caesar. Soon he will be entangled in a vicious plot.
Yes, Titus is the early, sensational, Shakespeare play, but, it displays to us what can be most dreadful in human nature. A story of vengeance like I've never seen, I felt myself tossed to the pits of utter filth when I first read it. It's violent, violent, violent and simple, yet, not cheesy. It's a kind of violence that you wouldn't ever see in action-packed movies with bullets afly.
The movie can hold you to your seat if you have watched other Shakespeare play based movies previously, for it is intense. The background and costumes are not genuine Rome, they were modified to something that resembles the movie "Dune", but nothing is ridiculously anachronic, like I thought of that DiCaprio "Romeo & Juliet", which made me leave the seat in the very beginning (the "Sword" scene). This movie Titus doesn't try to be historical or actual, it's more surreal-like, with original, abridged, text. The violence is quite explicit, so have your stomach ready.
Alas, the acting is great! Totally recommended, this story is the Centaurs' Feast! Our journey shall be a very long and ominous journey, but you shall part on it with me.
Phone Booth
(2002)
Excellent, short suspense
14 September 2003
A surprisingly good movie, and also unpredictable. I spent almost all the movie time gripped to the chair. The movie is a big dialogue between a common guy with a sin, being it falsity and artificiality, and a bullying psycho with a sniper rifle pointing at the former, kind of blackmailing the former. The whole movie is shot at a single New York street, which makes me think this script could even be a theater play. Also, this movie is an excellent sample of a lost art these days: a less than 1:30 hour movie, worth every minute, in a time in which all directors make the corniest movies stretch up to 3 hours. Joel Schumacher is definitely still one of my favorite directors.
Dreamcatcher
(2003)
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHH!!!
3 May 2003
Warning: Spoilers
F* me, Freddy! This is one of those movies which are so bad in so many aspects that I don't know even where to start. When I left the theater I was in a total stupor, knowing only one thing: it has GOT to be the worst movie of the year, I can assure that even being still in May. The plot twists and makes you ashamed of watching that thing.
Spoilers hereon:
WHY? WHY did they have those powers if they just don't help? Why did they have those powers being a pack of idiots? Anti-heros? The toothpick scene was probably the most retarded scene of the movie! I was laughing at it as I would laugh at MTV's Jackass! That guy deserved to die! When I was almost sure that the movie had something supernatural about that forest, like Blair Witch Project or something, noooo, it was actually an alien invasion. What was that? A crashed ship? Could somebody explain something to me or does all Stephen King stories have to be SO intangible? What was the dreamcatcher about? Did that indian straw craft catch an alien ship from a fifth dimension? What was that STUPID Mr. Gray stuff?! Why the British accent? WHY using the gun as a phone, WHY? What about TIMMY, I mean, DUDDITS!? So, at the end he reveals himself as a sort of interstellar cop, which means that he must have chosen living a lifetime on Earth as a retarded kid! I mean, wh.. why? Did he enjoy the marvels of a retarded life? Did that make any sense at all to stop the alien invasion? It just seemed totally useless, just like giving powers to that bunch of lame imbeciles. The rotating finger guy actually HELPS Mr. Gray to find the road! And how being run over by a car helped that guy not to die? How exoteric can it get? People say we will never understand the Universe by the following analogy: imagine the Universe is a soccer match, and that we are mere flies in the stadium, that can only see a stillshot of the instant in which the referee whistles the start of the match. Obviously, the flies don't get to know what's really going on. Well I felt like this while watching this movie, the difference between it and the Universe is that the Universe is unconprehensible because of its vastness and true complexity. This movie is unconprehensible because its swiss-cheese plot is a complete MAYHEM!
I could go on for much longer. The worseness of this movie could actually be analysed scene by scene. Like: Scene one - Guy points revolver to his head. He lingers on and on, so I conclude immediately that either someone is about to knock the door or the phone will ring so he will be interrupted on such a quest. Guess what? The phone rings!!! He picks up the phone (although he could answer the gun as well, as one could see later in the movie), deciding not to suicide for the time. Instead, in a very intelligent move, he lets go of the weapon's percussor abruptly, firing the gun and destroying his certificate on the wall. Could this be a sign? In this movie, everything is a sign. Enough!
Spoilers hereon:
WHY? WHY did they have those powers if they just don't help? Why did they have those powers being a pack of idiots? Anti-heros? The toothpick scene was probably the most retarded scene of the movie! I was laughing at it as I would laugh at MTV's Jackass! That guy deserved to die! When I was almost sure that the movie had something supernatural about that forest, like Blair Witch Project or something, noooo, it was actually an alien invasion. What was that? A crashed ship? Could somebody explain something to me or does all Stephen King stories have to be SO intangible? What was the dreamcatcher about? Did that indian straw craft catch an alien ship from a fifth dimension? What was that STUPID Mr. Gray stuff?! Why the British accent? WHY using the gun as a phone, WHY? What about TIMMY, I mean, DUDDITS!? So, at the end he reveals himself as a sort of interstellar cop, which means that he must have chosen living a lifetime on Earth as a retarded kid! I mean, wh.. why? Did he enjoy the marvels of a retarded life? Did that make any sense at all to stop the alien invasion? It just seemed totally useless, just like giving powers to that bunch of lame imbeciles. The rotating finger guy actually HELPS Mr. Gray to find the road! And how being run over by a car helped that guy not to die? How exoteric can it get? People say we will never understand the Universe by the following analogy: imagine the Universe is a soccer match, and that we are mere flies in the stadium, that can only see a stillshot of the instant in which the referee whistles the start of the match. Obviously, the flies don't get to know what's really going on. Well I felt like this while watching this movie, the difference between it and the Universe is that the Universe is unconprehensible because of its vastness and true complexity. This movie is unconprehensible because its swiss-cheese plot is a complete MAYHEM!
I could go on for much longer. The worseness of this movie could actually be analysed scene by scene. Like: Scene one - Guy points revolver to his head. He lingers on and on, so I conclude immediately that either someone is about to knock the door or the phone will ring so he will be interrupted on such a quest. Guess what? The phone rings!!! He picks up the phone (although he could answer the gun as well, as one could see later in the movie), deciding not to suicide for the time. Instead, in a very intelligent move, he lets go of the weapon's percussor abruptly, firing the gun and destroying his certificate on the wall. Could this be a sign? In this movie, everything is a sign. Enough!
Beowulf
(1999)
Medieval epic turned into Matrix-like cheap action
3 July 2002
The title was appealing to me, for I heard about the nordic saga of Beowulf, a primitive ode to the deeds of a great warrior. So, something alike I was expecting to watch.
Somehow I feared when I saw that Mortal Kombat-like presentation of that dumb title design.
Right from the beginning, when I saw those black men with standing aside the warriors, the terrible scenario and costumes, I knew I was watching a B movie. When I saw the monster I was really sure.
Then comes the fight. That big razor has got to be the worst idea for execution ever. The dialogs were void, and Beowulf is really the medieval Snake Plissken(Escape from NY), with his clothes and that "I don't care, I'm a cold survivalist warrior, but I'll save the day anyway" attitude. He had TWO (John Woo) multiple-shot crossbows and many gadgets on his pocket. His trenchcoat, samurai-like sword and martial-arts moves are totally anachronic. When I saw the castle and the other people, I thought: "Is this a post-nuclear middle-age?". I couldn't check, because I turned the TV off then. That was really enough and life is short enough.
If you want to know something from real Beowulf, though not accurate, watch "The 13th Warrior". "Beowulf"'s inaccuracy is more or less to the level of shooting your own foot. Actually, not even trying to shoot at all.
Somehow I feared when I saw that Mortal Kombat-like presentation of that dumb title design.
Right from the beginning, when I saw those black men with standing aside the warriors, the terrible scenario and costumes, I knew I was watching a B movie. When I saw the monster I was really sure.
Then comes the fight. That big razor has got to be the worst idea for execution ever. The dialogs were void, and Beowulf is really the medieval Snake Plissken(Escape from NY), with his clothes and that "I don't care, I'm a cold survivalist warrior, but I'll save the day anyway" attitude. He had TWO (John Woo) multiple-shot crossbows and many gadgets on his pocket. His trenchcoat, samurai-like sword and martial-arts moves are totally anachronic. When I saw the castle and the other people, I thought: "Is this a post-nuclear middle-age?". I couldn't check, because I turned the TV off then. That was really enough and life is short enough.
If you want to know something from real Beowulf, though not accurate, watch "The 13th Warrior". "Beowulf"'s inaccuracy is more or less to the level of shooting your own foot. Actually, not even trying to shoot at all.
Jason X
(2001)
At last, a faithful Jason movie
17 February 2002
After the unsuccessful attempt to pseudo-scientifically explain the Jason saga in episode IX, which turned out to be a corny movie, here comes the blockbuster Jason X, (stupid way in which the trailer narrator said Jason "ex" instead of Jason 10...). Serious, all the Friday 13th saga is trash gratuitous violence with no motivation at all. Jason just shows his hate against humanity, or whatever. A faithful Jason movie has GOT to be trash. So, the movie ends, and some people just leave the movie theater revolted with the crapiness of the script. I left the theater satisfied: I expected to watch a trash movie, and I did watch a trash movie, and I laughed hard at the trashness of this flick. Random killing movies are like porn movies: adding too much story would only make the movie an utterly abhorrent vulgar piece of *. Yes, I like trash movies because they make me laugh at the ridicule. I rate this movie 3/10 for mega-trashness. Great one!
DNA
(1996 Video)
Did anyone find any movie in this cliché?
15 July 2001
Wow, I must say: not anyone can watch this movie all the way to the end. I did, and it was one of my best deeds. So, I am a fan of Trash (if you check on other comments of mine you will see it). Alas, but this movie is not Trash: Trash has got style, for the ones who understand. This is just a real bad and boring movie, full of cliches, ridiculous stuff and so much sucked from Predator that, if I had the rights on Predator, I should sue this guys for this.
Mark Dacascos usually acts on some B blockbuster-wannabe movies, but this is beyond him: not even he deserves this. I wonder if Steven Segall deserved to be on this flick.
The scientist is real mean, and believes he created the perfect being, and nobody understands his creation. Huh-huh. I've heard this on practically ALL bio-accident movies I've watched.
In the final showdown, the doctor goes back to his native roots (ugh!) and takes on the creature in a scene obscenely sucked from Predator.
That spec-ops team is no match for the little kid. He saves the day.
The monster and the helicopter crash are true special defects.
Was this movie profitable? For the producers, I mean. For the audience it surely isn't.
Mark Dacascos usually acts on some B blockbuster-wannabe movies, but this is beyond him: not even he deserves this. I wonder if Steven Segall deserved to be on this flick.
The scientist is real mean, and believes he created the perfect being, and nobody understands his creation. Huh-huh. I've heard this on practically ALL bio-accident movies I've watched.
In the final showdown, the doctor goes back to his native roots (ugh!) and takes on the creature in a scene obscenely sucked from Predator.
That spec-ops team is no match for the little kid. He saves the day.
The monster and the helicopter crash are true special defects.
Was this movie profitable? For the producers, I mean. For the audience it surely isn't.
Pet Sematary II
(1992)
Damn it, is this movie mediocre!
15 July 2001
Warning: Spoilers
This is the most idiot and meaningless zombie movie I've ever seen. Pet Sematary I is a horror classic, but this is an A-bomb.
The characters' depth is non-existent, the movie is boring, the kid is boring, the bully is ridiculous and the sheriff was a zombie before he was dead. You begin to hope for some postal worker to assault and destroy that town. But no, probably even the postal workers of that town are boring.
The violence is gratuitous, not funny, and the final credits sequence with the faces of the people who died almost made me puke. That was the final blow: I lied catatonic over the couch, in true disbelief -- DUHHH...
The characters' depth is non-existent, the movie is boring, the kid is boring, the bully is ridiculous and the sheriff was a zombie before he was dead. You begin to hope for some postal worker to assault and destroy that town. But no, probably even the postal workers of that town are boring.
The violence is gratuitous, not funny, and the final credits sequence with the faces of the people who died almost made me puke. That was the final blow: I lied catatonic over the couch, in true disbelief -- DUHHH...
The intent to be TRASH
12 May 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Alright, this movie does not have the ambient of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1, and though gorier and with better effects, not as half as scary. I must say, this is a Trash movie.
On my view, this masterpiece had to be made on purpose to be Trash. Very few would, in full mental faculties, finish shooting THIS and think of it seriously.
(SPOILER) The grandpa hammering scene, the chainsaw duel, the Lefty demolition, Leatherface's love, Chop Top himself, are Trash in concept. As for the chainsaw duel, here's a bit of physics: conservation of angular momentum makes the chainsaw unwieldy to swing, so the duel would be quite tough in real life. Well, that's what movies are all about, aren't they?
On my view, this masterpiece had to be made on purpose to be Trash. Very few would, in full mental faculties, finish shooting THIS and think of it seriously.
(SPOILER) The grandpa hammering scene, the chainsaw duel, the Lefty demolition, Leatherface's love, Chop Top himself, are Trash in concept. As for the chainsaw duel, here's a bit of physics: conservation of angular momentum makes the chainsaw unwieldy to swing, so the duel would be quite tough in real life. Well, that's what movies are all about, aren't they?
The Bodyguard from Beijing
(1994)
WHY???????????
2 April 2000
Man, even Plan 9 From Outer Space is better than this movie. This flick doesn't have enough plot for half an hour, yet they managed to extend it for an eternity of more than an hour. Jet Li and Corey Yuen are pretty good, specially in those exaggerated fight scenes, but stuff like The Legend of Fong Sai Yuk is much better than this sorry thing that would be better left unmade.
Carnosaur
(1993)
The worst sci-fi I've ever seen
7 March 2000
Warning: Spoilers
(SPOILER) This is an awful B movie from early 90's about a crazed scientist who makes a virus which makes (!!!) women lay dinosaur eggs and then die! Totally ridiculous. When I watched this movie I couldn't stop laughing. It's very boring too, the script is a swiss cheese, and there's no suspense at all. The final scene of tractors vs. t-rex was clearly done with wooden toys and catchup gore. A must-see for trash maniacs. Are there are actually 2 sequels to this THING? WHY???
Plan 9 from Outer Space
(1957)
It's so bad that it is funny
8 December 1999
Man, I have never seen such a special (d)efects and bad acting marathon in my life. I'm a physics student, and the theory about exploding light from the Sun and exploding the rest of the universe with it was too much for me. This movie is gotta be a cult for every trash movie fan like me!
Samurai Cop
(1991)
Worse than this movie, only two of it!
21 April 1999
Now, this movie is terrible. It's a typical case of TRASH action movie. When it is supposed to thrill, it's just a big bunch of action clichés, and when it's supposed to be funny, the jokes are so bad that you laugh at their extreme lack of fun. This movie is also a bad interpretation marathon. You try to figure out which "actor(ess)" is the worst.
This one sucks!
21 April 1999
American Drive-in
(1985)
This movie sucks
11 April 1999
Hey, I am a TRASH movies fan and I almost stopped seeing this movie before it finished. What else is to be said? This movie follows the 80's American comedy formula: Stereotypes ( the fat family, the rebel gang, the good guy with his blonde girl, the drunk, the nerds, etc ), but this particular movie beats them all in stupid jokes and cliches.
Tell Your Friends