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Reviews
Entourage (2015)
Wasted Opportunity
A movie about a yokel meddling with a movie that feels like a yokel meddled with it, Entourage took a step backwards where it should've gone forward.
The premise was sound. Let's finally watch Vinnie do something, let's see how he handles directing a big film, yes, please. I doubt Vinnie's capable of pulling off a film masterpiece by himself, but watching his entourage step up to help, along with a cast of guest stars, would've been perfect.
Instead of something like that, it plays like the worst episode of Entourage stretched out for too long. The best aspects of the series fall by the wayside while the worst aspects get retread and amplified (like the Eric and Sloan on/off thing again, really?). Even Ari is wasted. It feels like someone at the studio thought the series was too smart and made them scrap everything that was funny and exciting, and bland it down for the dude-bros.
If you've never watched Entourage, please don't start with this film. If you have watched the series, then meh. It's bad pizza... still pretty good if you're hungry, but it should've been a whole lot better.
Interstellar (2014)
Should have used some of that budget to hire a screenwriter
One of the biggest letdowns to come along in ages. Not even McConaughey can put an interesting spin on this half-baked, ham-fisted rubbish. It's an amateurish mess of clichés, clumsy exposition, pretentious nonsense, cheap manipulation, and predictable twists. I felt like walking out, but I kept thinking at least there might be some stunning visual effects coming up... nope. The space scenes are serviceable at best, the alien planets are either a blank expanse of water or a blank expanse of ice, apocalyptic Earth is just like normal Earth except with some dust blowing around... where exactly did that big budget go?
If you dislike this film within the first twenty minutes, don't waste your time sticking around. It doesn't get any better.
K-PAX (2001)
Liked it better when it was called "The Fisher King"
I'm baffled by all the positive comments on this film - I can't remember a movie I've loathed as much as K-Pax. This movie is even more despicable, inane and unwatchable than "The Thomas Crowne Affair" remake. I can't say it's as blatantly incompetent as "Battlefield Earth," but it is even more irritating, as there's nothing so bad in K-Pax that it's funny - it's just painfully bad. Slow and ponderous to the point of absurdity, laughably predictable and cliche-packed, incompetently and grossly manipulative, K-Pax's paint-by-numbers script and morbidly flat direction are insults to intelligence and emotional health. Maybe this is the "sci-fi" film for the Pay It Forward crowd, but I've seen more clever, sincere and nuanced After-School Specials. And even if you like Spacey and Bridges (personally, I'm a huge fan), Spacey comes off as smarmy and irritating throughout the picture and Bridges is simply wasted.
If you liked "The Thomas Crowne Affair" and "Pay It Forward," then by all means see K-Pax. For everyone else, try something like "The Fisher King" or "Harvey" instead.
Naqoyqatsi (2002)
Hate to say it, but this one is just not good
I am a gigantic fan of both Koyaanisqatsi and Powaqqatsi, but this movie is just not good. The reviewer below is entirely correct that the stunning imagery of the Detroit station is the first and last memorable scene in the film. I really, really wish I had left after that, instead of continuing to hold out hope throughout the film. Maybe my expectations were too high, but I felt let down.
The score is almost completely a rehash of the previous two - not necessarily a bad thing if you're a fan, but there's only one piece that stood out to me as being fresh. It was good enough, though, that I'll still probably check out the soundtrack.
But just keep this in mind if you see this film: if you come to realize at any point that you're not enjoying it, go ahead and split - you won't miss a thing, because it won't get any better.
I'll even give the executive summary here (warning! spoilers!): lots of shots of athletes that look almost good enough for a Nike commercial, shots of smiling people, inexplicably dull frontal head shots of famous people's wax dummies (WTF were they thinking here?!?), some giggling babies (cuuuuute), some "bitchin'" Photoshop effects, some imagery that's meant to suggest a comparison between the flows of water, information, money and people (I think)... and then a bunch of quick unrelated scenes of mass violence... and then a bunch of stock space footage.
I could remake this movie in 10 seconds. Here's my pitch:
2 seconds of a happy daddy with a shaved head and lycra biking shorts playing with a toddler playing with a kitten playing with string; 5 seconds of that scene in "Network" where the guy talks about messing with the "elemental forces of nature" and how "money flows in, money flows out;" 1 second of Reginald Denny getting brained with a brick, and then 3 seconds of Alan Bean bouncing around on the moon.
There you go - that's 88 minutes and 50 seconds of your life I just saved. Of course, I'd get a copy of After Effects and apply a filter or two, so it wouldn't look as blatantly stock as it is. If Steven Soderbergh's reading this, hey, I won't even need much money for this project...
If you insist upon watching a movie about "Life as War," I suggest "Bowling for Columbine" instead. It may not have the pseudo-intellectual veneer so fashionable among the black turtleneck crowd, but at least it's funny.
Traffic (2000)
After-school Special + Miami Vice + sophomore term paper
I'm at a loss to explain why this film has scored such high praise. My only speculation is that the politics of the film cut it slack. The direction, of course, it terrific and Don Cheadle, Luis Guzman and Benicio Del Toro are worth watching in anything, so this movie isn't a total loss... but the script is just god-awful. Screenwriter Gaghan comes from a TV background, and that's exactly how this film plays -- like good-looking but still second-rate TV.
The sequences with Michael Douglas and his daughter are straight out of the After-school Special book - predictable and badly emotionally manipulative. There's nothing interesting about this story. The Benicio Del Toro and Catherine Zeta-Jones arcs are straight out of the most boring Miami Vice episodes - mostly hollow, slow and dull-witted, with paper-thin characters doing predictable things. The Benicio arc would probably make a decent one-hour episode of a TV show by itself, but that's as good as it gets in this script. The Don Cheadle and Luis Guzman characters might be a joy to watch if only they had been given interesting things to say and do... instead we're treated to stock situations, TV cliches and unbelievably lame dialogue.
And then there's the proselytizing. I'm not against this per se, and I'm certainly thrilled that these issues are being brought up in mainstream entertainment, but what groaners. You can see these speeches coming a mile away, and pretty soon it becomes clear that the characters and situations exist merely to give the screenwriter an opportunity to make a speech.
I wish this movie the best and in fact I'm relieved that it's received the praise it has. Hopefully, it'll have a genuine impact. But I don't think it's fair to call this a great film or great entertainment - great direction, great actors, sure, but too bad about the weak and uninspired script. The point of it is fine, but do we really need to sit through all this half-assed melodrama just to get the point? Soderbergh should've made a documentary and Gaghan should've written a letter to the editor.
If you already think the drug war is a bad thing, and you're not a gigantic fan of the director or actors, then I don't think there's any reason why you should spend two hours of your life watching this one.
The Perfect Storm (2000)
Dramatic lighting!
Look, you've already seen the money shot - it's on the freakin' front of the box. Save your money and your time and just stare at the big wave on the box for about 10 minutes... and you're done. You've seen the best "The Perfect Storm" has to offer. Now move on with your life and go find a good movie to watch.
Not convinced? OK, here are the other highlights of "The Perfect Storm":
It has dramatic and technically competent lighting.
At times the special effects look almost realistic.
George Clooney is a charismatic fellow.
James Horner's son served me pizza on the day this movie opened.
If you're confined to a hospital bed and you can't read and no one's coming to visit and there aren't any nurses to flirt with and you can't reach the remote control and "The Perfect Storm" happens to come on, then you should consider watching it. Otherwise, you have no business watching this movie while there are still so many good movies you haven't seen.
Fight Club (1999)
Screwball romantic comedy!
Don't let the title of this film fool you - you're in for a rollicking good time!
This is classic, screwball romantic comedy. Those of you who've already seen it, just imagine the lead roles played by Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern and Meg Ryan, and I think you'll see my point. Sure, it's a little... different... from "You Gots Mail", but at it's heart it's just a simple, funny, quirky little love story. See, it's all about this guy - young guy, thirty or so - and all he wants to do is hang out with his guy pals and never grow up. All along, he's completely denying himself of the one thing he truly needs to get his life on track - the love of a good woman. Guys, I know you'll relate, and gals, I'm sure you've known a fella or two like this. It's an old, old story, but somehow David Fincher and crew seem to breathe new life into it. You'll want to watch this one over and over again, I guarantee!
Invite a date, a spouse, a mistress or a grandparent over this evening and enjoy it with someone you love!
Eyes Wide Shut (1999)
Pacing by Merchant & Ivory, Subtlety by Oliver Stone
I really expected that this film's detractors just hadn't "gotten it". I figured that I, Kubrick fan that I am, would recognize this film as the masterpiece that it undoubtedly is.
Nope.
It's a bad film. No two ways about it. It's ham-handed, outdated, ridiculous, absurdly sluggish and the blame for the terrible performances rests squarely on Kubrick's perfectionist shoulders. Kidman was terrific in "To Die For" - I'm not a fan of Van Sant, but at least he knows how to work with people. I think Kubrick was too old and out of his element to make this movie. It was a bold step for him, I think, and I give him credit for trying. I'm just disappointed that it failed and wish that "A.I." could've been his swan song instead of this.
I think this film, edited down to the half-hour of solid material that's actually there, will make a great after-school special in 2030. If you haven't seen it yet... I'd wait.
The Thomas Crown Affair (1999)
I'd rather trim my pubic hair than watch this movie.
This movie is an abomination. I rated it as a two instead of a one only out of respect for McTiernan's "Die Hard" and "Hunt for Red October". It's terrible. Everything about it is terrible. The cinematography is wretched - and I don't think it's just my TV, but Russo and Brosnan frequently look bizarre and hideous. Bad makeup. Horrible wardrobe. Mediocre, at best, set design. The script makes TV, and in particular the WB Network, look smart by comparison... it's truly dreadful. Even the sound editing is poorly done and, well, gross - annoying sound effects (the chewing-with-the-mouth-open effects are always a nice touch) are overly loud while dialogue is frequently muddled. There are long, dreadful scenes of supposed "rich decadence" that are shockingly pedestrian. And, oh my sweet lord, don't get me started on the soundtrack. Oh, god, not the music! PLEASE just let me forget the music! Why do you torment me like this?!?
Overall, the whole mess is compulsively unwatchable.
In fact, the film is still playing as I write this. I'm making my girlfriend stick it out so she can fill me in on how bad it gets. I know, I know... but usually I *am* a good boyfriend. Honest.
The last time I hated a movie this much it had to be the time I went to a test screening of "Nick of Time". Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken - hey, it sounded good. The only reason I didn't walk out of that one was because I was sitting next to a bombshell blonde, who was very interesting and talkative and almost totally ignored her obnoxious boyfriend to chat with me instead. That was fun. If it wasn't for her, I would've gladly walked out on that turkey. But at least "Nick of Time" had Christopher Walken.
Well, my girlfriend just called me in to force me to watch the ending. It actually managed to exceed my expectations of how horrific it might be. I wonder if I can go back and change my vote to a one.
So: if you enjoy film, don't be tempted to give this "hit" a try. I know what you're thinking... but don't. Trust me. It's not even worth renting just to make fun of. Just rent "Red October" or even "Predator" and pretend that John McTiernan is still making good movies.
Pants on Fire (1998)
A great piece of work.
"Pants on Fire" really surprised me at our local film society's annual Olympia Film Festival... a relationship movie that doesn't suck in any way. Now that's high praise.
Great performances, solid filmmaking and a fantastic, funny, real, smart script... I can't believe this movie hasn't gotten the attention it deserves. This film is definitely worth making the effort to find. I'm looking forward to seeing it again and, hopefully, whatever Rocky Collins does next!
The Blair Witch Project (1999)
How it was made is more interesting than the actual product.
This movie apparently lives up to the hype and scares the bejeebers out of some people. Personally, I wasn't impressed, and one kid in front of me got up after it was over and said "it wasn't as good as I thought it'd be" and all of his friends agreed. So be warned -- Your Mileage May Vary.
I didn't find the characters sympathetic, and although believable, most of the time they were just plain annoying. If I had been with that group of people, I would've quietly slipped away and followed a river back to civilization and left them to wander around in circles and scream at each other like a bunch of idiots. The witch wants 'em? Great, she can keep 'em.
However - the characters in this film are incidental to the overall concept, which is the real star of the show, and my central complaint. This isn't a great film - It's a great concept done in a mediocre way. Compare and contrast with, say, "Silence of the Lambs", which took a mediocre concept - a cannibal serial killer meets an attractive female FBI agent - and made it into something great. Most of what makes "Lambs" so effective is the character of Clarice, and how much we believe in her and like her.
These guys relied too heavily on their gimmick. The result is interesting and certainly worth seeing (it'll be better on video than in the theatre) but unfortunately, it's just not a great film.