Jerry-93 Reviews

Eaten Alive! (1980)

Should Have Been Called "Cannibal Ripoff"

[3/10 · 12 August 2003]

Why is it that in the '50s and '60s, Italians made so of the best movies, and then during the '70s and '80s, made nothing but zombie and cannibal movies? Probably because art films didn't make any money. , The Cannibal Movie, unlike the Zombie Movie, which was created by Americans and `exploited' by Italians, is a purely Italian creation, designed as a mondo exploitation showcase, and to make as much money as possible (no artistic integrity getting in the way here). Eaten Alive came during the Cannibal Movie heyday. The director, Umberto Lenzi, hadn't even hit his stride yet; his genre classic, Cannibal Ferox, was still a year away.

In plotting similar to (read: ripped off from) Ruggero Deodato's seminal cannibal classic, Cannibal Holocaust, a woman (Janet Agren) receives word from the police that they've received a 8mm film from her sister. She's gone missing in Africa, and it's suspected that the tribal ritual depicted on the film may have something to do with it. Mel Ferrer, as a Professor of Somethingoranother, tells her that a man named Jonas (Ivan Rassimov) has started a Jonestown-like cult in New Guinea, and that's where the sister is. The woman hires a guide (Robert Kerman) to take her through the jungle to find the cult and her sister. And, wouldn't you know it, the jungle is full of cannibals.

One sentence should sum it up: if you've seen on Cannibal Movie, you've seen them all, mostly because these films steal shamelessly from each other (Lenzi copied Cannibal Holocaust to make this film, and retooled this to make Cannibal Ferox; Deodato copied parts of this for Hit and Run). And because they all share the same material, they all feature the same traits: awful photography, boring scenery, terrible dubbing, overacting, and exploitation, exploitation, exploitation. Genre fans will have a ball since everyone in it is a genre veteran. Rassimov and Kerman have a scenery eating contest. Agren exists solely to be naked, raped, or in peril. Plenty o' gore for all the sickos out there. The cannibals, who do actually appear to be native cannibals, eat lunch met disguised as human flesh. And, in the grand tradition of Cannibal Movies, any live animal shown onscreen is usually killed shortly thereafter. Overall, really not a good experience, but I'm sure there are psychopaths out there who find this excrement entertaining. I know I did.

Hitch-Hike (1977)

Hesstastic!

[5/10 · 12 August 2003]

Ah, the exploitation movie. A staple of the ‘70s, it has all but disappeared these days. Americans tried their best, but the best exploitation was made by the Italians (this title is now held by the Japanese). The most common form of exploitation film is the No-Plot Movie, where the plot is really irrelevant in comparison to the horrors on the screen: it's merely a way to showcase all the fun exploitation bits without resorting to some sort of freak show. This film follows this structure to a T.

Genre staple Franco Nero and Corinne Clery play Walter and Eve, a couple whose marriage is on the rocks. They appear to be on some kind of trip, although I don't believe it's ever stated why exactly they're pulling a camper. During their Travels, they pick up Adam (David Hess), which is a bad move, because everyone knows David Hess ALWAYS plays the bad guy. Turns out, Adam is a bank robber who needs a getaway car after his broke down. So begins the cat-and-mouse game of Walter and Eve trying to escape, and Adam trying to get into Eve's pants.

There's only about 15 minutes of watchable material in this movie, which is a shame, since it's 100 minutes long. The acting is below par (Hess' acting is waaaay outside normal human parameters), the dubbing is awful (Clery obviously speaks no English), and the exploitation, well, really isn't that good (although Clery has no problem going full frontal). The makers of the film do come up with an interesting resolution that ties up a lot of loose ends, but I had stopped paying attention 40 minutes earlier. Not recommend, unless you're a Nero or Hess fan.

Branded to Kill (1967)

Weirdest Japanese Movie of 1967

[7/10 · 12 April 2003]

Wow, I thought the Japanese turned out some weird stuff nowadays. That lame crap has nothing on this wacky thing, which requires about 57 viewings to make any kind of narrative sense.

Jo Shishido (who has cheek implants (!!) that make him look like a chipmunk) is the third best killer in Japan. Apparently, all assassins in Japan do, other than kill people, is try to better themselves in the rankings. It's much like Pokemon, in a way. Jo strives to be number one, but, not only does he have to get past a bunch of backstabbers, he has to find the #1 Phantom, the high man on the totem. And when he does, it's rip roarin' nonsense time!

It's hard to tell if this is a work of genius or of pure insanity. There's no real narrative; more like a bunch of scenes held together by the fact they're all in the same movie. Some of the stuff is so nutty, it's hard not to call it brilliant, like when Jo finally does meet Phantom and they have a sit-down, Phantom pisses his pants rather than get up and take his eyes off Jo. Or the hit that gets foiled by a butterfly. Or Jo's girlfriend's obsession with dead bugs, which lay in piles on the floor. Or the shocking amount of sex and violence in a movie made in 1967. It's really no surprise that the director had his contract summarily terminated when the studio watched this: it is the weirdest movie to come out of Japan in 1967. Or maybe ever. Be prepared to watch more than once.

The Eye (2002)

The Sixth Sense meets The Hands of Orlac

[7/10 · 7 February 2003]

In this rather slickly made thriller, a blind girl receives a corneal transplant. Once she is able to see, she becomes aware that she can see ghosts. And not just any ghosts: she sees the soon-to-be-but-not-yet-dead. Turns out her eyes were from a suicide victim with Cassandra-like visions of death and destruction. Talk about a botched operation.

This is fairly standard HK fare. It's well made and has a very Hollywood look to it (especially the apocalyptic ending). It's enjoyable, if not derivative of several films, up to the point where the girl visits the mother of the cornea donor. The movie comes off the tracks for a while, but gets back on for the ending. All and all, an enjoyable watch.

Ring 0: Birthday (2000)

Bad movie saved by strong ending

[5/10 · 6 February 2003]

By the time this movie came out, the Ring franchise had become a cottage industry, resulting in a number of books and movies. And this movie was to be the end-all-tell-all of the series. Unfortunately, it ends without telling us anything.

The movie starts 40 years before the first Ring. Sadako is a young adult working at a theatre company on a production called The Mask. When the lead actress mysteriously dies (no mystery to us; this is a Ring movie afterall), Sadako, the understudy, assumes the role. As more cast members die, Sadako falls squarely in the spotlight as the prime suspect. There's also a subplot about a reporter whose boyfriend was the man Sadako killed at her mother's ESP demonstration in Ring 1. Needless to say, she's not a big Sadako fan. And neither will you be, after watching this.

First let me state the ridiculous theory this movie came up with: there are two Sadakos: a shy and timid adult Sadako, who is good, and a silent, lurking prepubescent Sadako, who is evil. Somewhere along the line, Dr. Ikuma, who became Sadako's caretaker after her mother's suicide, managed to split one Sadako into two. The good side grew up, while the evil stayed the same, locked in Dr. Ikuma's attic. This kinda explains how Sadako can kill people and not be aware of it. It doesn't explain, however, why the Sadako of 40 years later is the evil one. But that's the least of the unsolved problems. Who is Sadako's real father? Where did the videotape come from? And why is Sadako so bitter (being stuck in well notwithstanding)? The only thing this movie has going for it is the great ending, where the two Sadakos merge and go on a murder spree (her confrontation with the reporter is particularly creepy). The final scene, where she dreams she's no longer in the well, may bring a tear to your eye. Other than that, there's no reason to watch this; you'll be just as confused about Sadako as you were before.

The Record (2000)

I Know What You Did Last Summer In South Korea

[5/10 · 18 November 2002]

Movies that make tons of money usually go on to spawn a million copies of said movie. It happens once a week in the US (remember all the space-related films that came out after Star Wars?). So, it's only fair that, in the name of free trade, Koreans should be able to co-opt our popular movies; in this case, the one that help revive our stagnant horror film genre.

Movie in a nutshell: A dorky asthmatic kid that everyone hates becomes the butt of a cruel practical joke. Ya see, these kids that hate him have tricked him into starring in their latest home movie. Unfortunately, he is killed in the process. They bury (or try to bury) the body, only to be haunted by a mysterious stranger a year later. Hmmm, where have I seen this movie before...

Yes, this IS a Korean retread of I Know What You Did Last Summer, with dashes of Scream thrown in (they even go so far as to have the creepy sister from I Know..., played by a girl who looks exactly like, of course, Sadako). Those movies were not the greatest, and neither is this. If you've seen those, you've seen this. Even hardcore splatter fans will be put off by the fact that the Cat.III rating yields nearly no blood (what is this, the MPAA?). Probably shouldn't be watched, even though I did somewhat enjoy it.

Signs (2002)

Worst...Screenplay...Ever

[12 November 2002]

I enjoy M. Night Shyamalan's previous movies: The Sixth Sense was very good, and I was cool with Unbreakable until the last five minutes, when he ruined it. Unfortunately, I hate this movie. Why? Because SOMEone's belief in their talent (I'm looking at YOU, M.) has gotten bigger than their actual filmmaking abilities.

The plot concerns a minister, fallen from grace, who wakes up to find a crop circle in his corn field. But this is no isolated incident; these thing are turning up all over the world. Hoax, or the real deal? Who cares.

First things first: worst...screenplay...ever; beats Plan 9 hands down. The only time the screenplay works is when the actors aren't talking to or interacting with each other in any way. Conversations are awkward and forced. There's a scene when aliens are breaking into the house, and Mel decides to stop and have a heart-to-heart with his kids. Awful. Speaking of acting, outside the marquee players, the acting is truly terrible; we're talking dinner-theatre-in-Sioux-Falls bad. M. even has the audacity to cast himself in a crucial role, but, because he has no acting ability, it ruins all of those important scenes. There are some genuinely scary moments (one in particular made me jump), but they are quickly ruined by someone opening their mouth and speaking. And lastly, The Trademark Shyamalan Ending. Yes, this, as in all his other films, has The Flashbacks at the end. But they don't give us any insight into what's happened (as in his previous films); they simply make a statement about the difference between coincidence and fate. BORING. And The Trademark Trick End Scene. It's as though the studio demanded he put a Trick End on this, and this is what he came up with before the screenplay had to go to the printers. It's very tacked on, and has little relation to the rest of the story (ie it's not the logical ending for this movie; what is? Who knows). Overall, a bad experience. If you haven't already added to the huge B.O. for this thing, don't. In fact, forget you saw it if you have.

Tomie (1998)

Confusing Mess

[10 November 2002]

I wonder about the Japanese sometimes. What motivates them to make a movie? In the case of this one, it appears they just wanted to have Tomie look like Sadako, the nice ghost from Ring. I really can't see any other reason for this movie to exist. It's just that good.

It starts with Tsukiko undergoing hypnotherapy to help recover her memories prior to a traumatic accident. What she has conveniently forgotten is that this accident was actually her witnessing the murder of a classmate named Tomie at the hands of her then-boyfriend. Turns out this isn't the first time this has happened to Tomie. In fact, she (or parts of her) has just moved in to the apartment below Tsukiko, gearing up for a little bit of payback.

Sound interesting? It isn't. It's a good idea: a perpetual murder victim who always comes back to settle the score. But this movie is so poorly directed and written that the story gets overcome by boredom. The filmmakers have even gone so far as to almost make the movie confusing beyond comprehension by inserting an ending that raises more questions than it answers (that and poor subtitling confused the hell out of me). Really not worth the time to watch, plus however long it takes you to figure out what's going on. Avoidable.

Nightmares in Precinct 7 (2001)

Interesting Ghost Story

[6/10 · 9 November 2002]

It is true that filmmakers get mellower as they get older. It's the only reason to explain how Herman Yau could go from The Untold Story and The Ebola Syndrome to this rather tame thriller. Fortunately, he's become a better director, cuz this is better than his earlier Cat. III fare.

Andy Hui plays a cop that goes into a coma after a shootout with some thieves. When he awakens two years later, he is suddenly able to see ghosts. Turns out, this comes in handy, because a nurse rapist/murderer has been on the loose while he was asleep, and ghosts of the victims like to report themselves missing (?!?). Only in Hong Kong...

For a movie that's got some really wacky crap going on, this isn't that bad. There are some nice touches here: the ghosts that help with the investigation, and the clever way that Hui communicates with them (so as not to seem like he's talking to himself); the cheap scares of having gross ghosts just pop out of nowhere; the hospital ghost taunting the oblivious killer. But there's also some silliness: the out-of-left-field identity of the killer (although there is a clever red herring scene before they catch him); the badly translated transition title cards that make it seem as though the movie is going backwards; the ridiculous, yet somehow, appropriate ending. And, to show that the influence of Ring has reached the Chinese mainland, there is a ghost that, of course, looks just like Sadako. All and all, a surprisingly enjoyable movie; better than some of the supposedly "better" Japanese horror movies that everyone (me included) loves so much.

Ring 2 (1999)

More plot, more scares, more idiocy

[8/10 · 22 October 2002]

Even though Sadako had been around for a long time (there were Suzuki Koji's source books and two previous TV movies), it was the theatrical version of Ring that made her huge. So, of course, there has to be a sequel (which, oddly enough, wasn't based on the next book in Koji's series; different filmmakers had already adapted that as Spiral). It's a daunting task to make an effective sequel to one of the all-time creepiest movies, but the filmmakers pull it off. Unfortunately, a lot of stupidity gets in the way of the scares.

A lot of plot in this one. The movie opens a week after the first one ends. Reiko's dad has just died, and she and her son have gone into hiding. Mai, who found Ryuji's body at the end of Ring, is investigating her boss'/boyfriend's death. She thinks Reiko and her son hold the key to this mystery. So she teams with one of Reiko's co-workers (who's still working on the story of the cursed videotape) to try and track Reiko down. At this point, there's already enough plot for a movie, and I haven't even mentioned the return trip to Sadako's old home, the doctor who thinks he can get rid of Sadako, the burial of Sadako's physical body, the girl the co-worker betrays (and literally comes back to haunt him), and the weird, scary "exorcism of Sadako" finale. Plot, plot, plot.

Before I tear this movie a new one, let me say one thing: minute for minute, this one has more scares than the first one. In fact, the filmmakers have realized that Sadako has become so commonplace (a Sadako doppleganger appears in almost every Japanese horror movie made after the first Ring) that they need only show her trademark hair to invoke fear. And it works. But the massive, ridiculous plot nearly kills this movie. While it tries to explain the occurances of the first movie, it raises more questions than it answers (why does everyone suddenly have psychic ability?; why are people who haven't even seen the tape haunted by Sadako?; how does that girl see the tape if all the copies have been destroyed?) Still, with all of these potholes, the movie still works. It's also nice to see almost the entire cast of the first film reprise their roles (even the dead ones). An effective thriller, even though it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Fans of the first one won't be disappointed.

Frequency (2000)

The one of the best (sorta) timetravel movies ever.

[8/10 · 18 October 2000]

I didn't know what to expect in this movie. After all, it's a Dennis Quaid movie, for Pete's sake, so who knows what you're getting. But, turns out, I really enjoyed. Even to the point of where I'd call it one of the best movies not-really-about-time-travel ever.

Caviezel play an NY cop who's never really been able to get over the death of his dad Quaid, a firefighter who died 30 years before in the line of duty. One day, for no particular reason, Caviezel digs out his dad's old ham radio (he lives in his dad's old house), and through some astral miracle, is able to communicate with his father in the past. He sets out to see if he can't save his father's life.

The problem with this movie (and the problem with all time travel movies) is the the temporal logic is all wrong. If something gets changed in the past, it doesn't just change before your eyes in the present, and you wouldn't have any knowledge of the change: it would just always be like that, because the change happened in the past. Not the case here, where everyone takes whatever happened in the past as fact, where as Caviezel can remember how things in the past got changed. Things that happen in the past also affect the future in real time (a person writing on a desk in the past would look like an invisible hand writing on that same desk at that same instant in the present). But this doesn't ruin the movie; there are a lot of good things going on. The screenplay is smart enough not to just be about John saving his dad: once his dad is saved, it causes other problems to arise in the present which Quaid must fix in the past. I also like the initial conversations between Caviezel and Quaid, where they don't talk about what needs to be done to save dad, but what's been going on in the past 30 years. The pacing's good, the action's good, and the ending made everyone in the theater cheer. So, if kinda time travel is your thing (you must be a big Somewhere in Time fan), then this is the movie for you. If not, watch it anyway.

Embrace of the Vampire (1995)

This has one redeeming feature

[4/10 · 11 September 2000]

What has happened to vampires in the past 20 years? I realize that this film is softcore porn, but that's no excuse to follow the trend of the "wuss vampire". Christopher Lee would have killed the whole lot without a second thought. Not the case here...

The wuss vampire in question here must drink the blood of virgin Milano within 72 hrs or die. Milano's boyfriend tries (rather ineptly) to defend her, all the while trying to get in her pants.

The lightyear-wide gaps in logic are enough to ruin this movie. Why does the vampire, who knows he needs to bite Milano to live, wait until (literally) the last minute to do it? And since the vampire can only bite Milano while she's a virgin, why doesn't the boyfriend do what Joe Dallesandro did when faced with a similar situation, and deflower the virgin? And why, you ask, is the vampire a wuss? In the end, the vampire decides he cannot bite Milano if she doesn't love him (she doesn't), and goes off in the corner and dies. Sounds more like a mama's boy than a prince of darkness. Wait: there's more. The acting is bad, the dialogue is bad, the production values are bad, it's ALL bad. The movie's one redeeming quality are the marvelous (but slightly fake) breasts of Milano. But if you have a computer and have EVER been on the internet, you've seen them already, so there's really no reason to see them in movie form. If you like vampire movies, you'll hate this one, because, as far as I can tell, there's no vampires in it. Just wusses. Best if avoided.

House of 1,000 Dolls (1967)

Very odd film

[6/10 · 8 September 2000]

White slavery is not a topic that gets much play nowadays, but it gets a full writeup in this film. And I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing.

The film has a very strange setup. Garcia plays a man looking for his wife, who has been abducted in Tangiers. He finds that she has been forced to work in a brothel, The House of Dolls. He's discovered and killed. His friend Nader then takes it upon himself to figure out what happened to Garcia. What he uncovers is a white slavery ring run by magician Price, who uses the female volunteers from his magic act to stock The House.

The odd thing about this movie is that everything is presented rather matter-of-factly. There's no surprise to anything. We find out in the first five minutes what Price is doing. We already know what happened to Garcia and his wife. It's a suspense movie with no suspense. They throw in a twist at the end, but who cares? It has so little to do with the movie that it's completely irrelevant. There's other problems. Price is billed first, but has only about 20 mins of screen time (in the second half mostly), and he doesn't appear to be having any fun. All of the actors in the movie appear to be speaking English, yet it sounds as though the whole soundtrack (which is in English) has been looped. It's never boring, but there's no action, no excitement, no nothing. Price fans may not even enjoy this one.

Society (1989)

Terribly messy commentary on High Society

[28 August 2000]

You've got to love Brian Yuzna; he seems to have no aspirations other than to direct low budget DTV horror movies with gross FX. And this movie, by no means his best, was his first attempt at the genre.

The plot revolves around Billy Warlock not understanding his rich, uptight family. He doesn't seem to fit in with their lifestyle or with anything they do. And when an acquaintance, his sister's ex-boyfriend, plays him a recording of the sister's debutant party, Billy begins to think he may not even be the same species as his family (he's adopted, as we come to see). It all comes down to an oh-sooo-messy orgy where Billy is the Guest of Honor.

First things first: this is just a John Hughesish Coming-of-Age movie with yucky polymorphic mutants. Even the clothes are the same (and this movie is only 11 yrs old!). Unfortunately, adding high society mutants that eat the middle class doesn't make that type of movie any better. It is not good. The only reason to remotely recommend this movie is the wet-and-wild orgy at the end, where all the snobs come over to the house and turn into a big slimy pile of mush as they eat the ex-boyfriend. Even Billy literally turning this rival inside out can't make up for the first hour of this movie, which plays out like an Afterschool Special on alienation. Avoid, unless you're a Screamin' Mad George fan, then you'll eat this up.

New Rose Hotel (1998)

An interesting mess

[25 August 2000]

Abel Ferrara is either a genius (Bad Lieutenant) or an idiot (Dangerous Game). Watching this movie, it's hard to decide which. Oh, it's got its good points, but it's got a gigantic bad one that almost negates the whole thing.

Dafoe plays a corporate terrorist (for lack of a better term) hired by Walken (a Ferrara regular) to help him pull off the defection of a genetic engineer from one Japanese company to another. Walken decides the best way to do this is via seduction, so he enlists hooker/Dafoe's girlfriend Argento as the bait. The defection goes off all right, but the manure hits the air conditioner soon afterwards. Dafoe retreats to the New Rose Hotel, a sort of morgue for the living, to sort things out.

And this is where the movie hits a canyonous pothole. In Gibson's original story, Dafoe's character starts out in the New Rose, and the story is his recollection of what happened. Here, after we've watched the entire movie, Ferrara hits rewind, and makes us watch the whole thing again in flashbacks for another half hour. Mind you, there are things that happened during the film that now make sense in this context, but there are many others that are just things we've already seen and could probably live without a second time (although any Asia Argento nudity is always welcome). The movie is quite faithful to Gibson's story, and is quite enjoyable for a while (although some people will hate Ferrara's lackadaisical pacing and Walken's histrionics (and the return of his Dead Zone limp)). However, the end of this movie absolutely kills it. So, if you've read the story or have it figured out by that point, watch the first hour of this movie. If not, get ready to be disappointed.

Vampyres (1974)

Lesbian vampires get wild

[4/10 · 21 August 2000]

Ah, the sex-and-gore movie. It's too bad they don't make these anymore (unless you live in Japan). But if they all turned out like this, that is not a bad thing.

The movie basically consists of the two lovely vampires picking up "johns" along a country road, taking them home to their castle, having crazy sex with them, and then eating them (except the first victim, who they keep around for no particular reason). Things are complicated when a woman camping with her husband becomes too curious about these mysterious women she keeps seeing. It gets real ugly from here. By the end, the two vamps are in such a bloodlust that they're eating everything in sight, and manage to let their captive victim escape. Oops, so much for that secret existence.

The fact that the two vampyres don't mind taking their clothes off and fooling around with each other is the only thing this movie has going for it. Otherwise, it's a bloody, confusing mess (why is their tomb so far away from their castle?), watchable only for the scant few minutes of vampyre playtime. The only thing I got out of this movie was these two valuable bits of advice: shooting lesbians will not kill them; it will only turn them into vampires, and, don't pick up hookers along a country road; they are probably vampires. Other than that, it really wasn't worth my time.

The Castle of the Living Dead (1964)

They don't make them like this anymore (and probably shouldn't)

[5/10 · 24 July 2000]

Back in the '50s and '60s, these Evil-Count-Doing-Something-Bad movies were a dime a dozen. Nowadays, you're lucky if you get one every five years. Which is not necessarily a bad thing if all the entries turned out like this one.

The movie involves a traveling band of minstrels traveling to the castle of Count Drago (Christopher Lee, sporting an odd makeup job) to perform. Once there, they find that the Count has an interesting taxidermy hobby. As you will have figured out in the first 15 minutes, the Count has more in store for the minstrels than they expected.

This movie isn't so much about Lee's plans to turn everthing into a statue (his creations aren't stuffed carcasses; they're permanently frozen while living); it's about the stupidity of the minstrels. Look at these examples of how they completely miss the fact that they are in danger:

* they don't suspect anything being invited to a remote castle for a private appearance for three gold pieces (!!), or when they're warned by an old hag (Donald Sutherland, for Christ's sake!!) that they will die if they go to the castle;

* when Lee tells the lead minstrel that he has started using humans, but substitutes the word "animal" for "human", the minstrel doesn't catch on;

* the strongman/firebreather doesn't notice the evil henchman standing 10 feet away, preparing to shoot him in the eye with a crossbow;

* the female minstrel doesn't realize that a man she knew is dead, even though he is completely immobile and attached to a stand, nor does she catch on when the Count talks of giving her "eternal beauty" as codewords for killing her.

This film does have other problems. The print I saw looked like it had been through the washing machine (I really don't see a big preservation movement for this one). The acting is pretty wooden (the terrible dubbing doesn't help either). Sutherland (who plays a soldier as well the hag) plays the soldier role with all the seriousness he played the surgeon Hawkeye Pierce. There are a few redeeming moments, though: when the henchman throws the midget minstrel off the top of the castle (he lives, but it's nice to believe that he won't), and the great expression Lee has to hold at the end of the movie (he sure is shaking a lot for a statue). Other than that, there no reason to recommend this movie. Die-hard Lee fans may not even enjoy it.

Scream and Scream Again (1970)

Lee, Cushing, and Price, Oh My!!

[6/10 · 22 July 2000]

This film was released before I was born, so I don't know anything about its ad campaign, but I imagine it went something like, "Lee, Cushing, and Price: Together at Last!!" This is true: they all are in this movie, but what we have here is a movie about a bunch of pseudo-Nazis (complete with knockoff uniforms) trying to create the master race by assembling people from assorted "perfect" body parts. Price has a substantial supporting role, but Cushing and Lee have basically cameos, and none of them share any meaningful screen time. So, basically, they are together in the credits only.

Now for the movie. Yes, it has a solid plot, but the movie doesn't follow it. It mostly has to do with the police tracking one of "composite" superhumans as he goes on a rape and murder spree. This does make for two of the best moments of the movie: when the killer, handcuffed to a car bumper, tears off not only his hand to escape, but a third of his forearm. The other is when a killer falls off a mountain and barely gets a scratch.

The real highlight is the final 20 minutes, when Price explains, in classic Bad Guy fashion, the entire master race thing to the hero. Price is a great actor, but he's a terrible doctor, because 1) he puts on his own surgical gloves, and 2) contaminates them 10 seconds later. A fight ensues between Price and the head of the fake Gestapo, and that's it. I don't know if I can recommend this movie to anyone, because fans of the three horror institutions in this film will be disappointed, as will genre fans. Watch it if you're bored, or for the goofy dialogue.

Dracula A.D. 1972 (1972)

Drac in the trippin' '70s!

[6/10 · 18 July 2000]

The problem with putting Victorian-period character in modern day settings is that they look terribly out of place, especially when they're put against '70s youth counter-culture.

The story starts out with a great chase, that ends with Lee's Dracula impaled on a broken carriage wheel, and Cushing's Van Helsing expiring from his wounds. A passerby comes upon the scene, and scoops up some of Dracula's ashes and signet ring. Fast forward to 1972. The passerby is still with us, now having assumed the name Johnnie Alucard (is there anyone who doesn't know what that spells backwards?), and Cushing is back, this time as one of Van Helsing's descendants. After a happinin' "freak out" at an uptight society party, Alucard and his hippie buddies (including Van Helsing's buxom niece) decide to throw a black mass. What they don't realize is that Alucard intends to bring back Dracula from the dead, so it comes as a surprise when Alucard pours blood all over Caroline Munro's ample busom. And who should show up, but Dracula himself. Far out, man!!

The big problem with this movie is that Dracula just does not work in the context of hippies. Dracula can work in modern day (witness The Satanic Rites of Dracula, the next in the series), but not when he's surrounded by all of these hippies, man!! The other problem with the movie is the incredible stupidity of the vampires. Grand Moff Tarkin must have learned the Jedi mind trick, because all of the vampires seem to do his bidding, despite how detrimental it may be to their survival:

Van Helsing: I think you should grab this cross and burn your hand.

Alucard: I will now grab the cross and burn my hand.

Despite all the logical shortcomings of the movie, it's always fun to see Lee and Cushing working together (although it seems as though Lee was having himself written out of these Hammer movies). If you're a fan of Lee or Cushing, watch this just for them; if not, bad hippie vibes are sure to drive you away.

Demon Beast Invasion (1990– )

Another Overfiend ripoff, yawn

[6/10 · 6 July 2000]

This is a quick summary of the series: demon beast rapes woman, she explodes; demon beast rapes heroine, impregnates her; heroes kill demon beast at great risk to themselves; heroine gives birth to demon beast; demon beast rapes woman, she explodes, etc, etc, etc. It's just the same thing over and over and over. And poorly drawn at that. The only reason I would give this thing a positive rating is because it's got a lot of sex and violence (which people seem to enjoy). You're better off going with something else that is more sexual or more violent, because this is really a middle-of-the-road Overfiend ripoff.

P.S. Is it just me, or do the Japanese seem to know something different about the missionary position? The parts don't even appear to be in correct alignment. How does that work?

Hell of the Living Dead (1980)

Quite possibly the stupidest ever

[1/10 · 6 July 2000]

When I first saw this movie on Cinemax nearly 20 years ago, I thought it was very gory and scary. Having seen it again just recently, it's still gory, but it is quite possibly the worst movie ever. I'm convinced it would draw ridicule from Ed Wood.

The plot involves a reporter and her crew of morons meeting up with a crew of moron soldiers to figure out what zombies are doing on a remote island (don't you dummies know you NEVER go into the jungle, unless you want to be attacked by zombies or cannibals (and sometimes tigers)?). Then the zombies show up, and bad things happen. whoopee.

At least zombie movies in the 70's had the sense to be derivative of Dawn of the Dead (if you copy a good movie, you're bound to at least do something right). This movie doesn't bother with any of that; it's just a cannibal movie with zombies instead. And a bad one, at that! The huge, canyon-like gaps in logic are enough to make one commit suicide during a viewing of this film. One of the soldiers mentions that to kill a zombie, you have to shoot it in the head. Does anybody do that? NO!! They waste 5,000,000 rounds of ammunition shooting zombies everywhere but in the head!! And why don't they leave the island? They have a boat!! And why do they just stand there and let the zombies attack them!! The FX are not special, the dubbing is awful (the guy who does the voice of the lead soldier is in every English-dubbed Italian movie), and the lighting is often non-existent. This movie has two highlights: when the heroine decides to get naked for no reason, and her particularly gruesome death. The rest is all lowlights. Avoid at all costs, and destroy every copy you see. You'll be doing everyone a favor.

Inferno (1980)

Another great one from Argento

[7/10 · 8 May 2000]

In the sequel to his own Suspiria, Argento has come up with another winner. In a plot very similar to Horror Hotel, a young women believes her New York apartment is home to a coven of witches. She calls her brother, an music student in Rome, and reports her discovery, but by the time the brother arrives in New York, the sister has disappeared. The brother then sets off searching the building for his missing sister. Needless to say, what he finds isn't good.

Even though the plot is borrowed, Argento does quite a bit with it. The whole movie is beautifully shot, and is full of quirky touches that most people come to expect from Argento (like the water submerged room, created by Mario Bava). The acting is stiff as a bored (as usual), and the soundtrack is not good (probably due to the fact that Argento used Keith Emerson instead of his houseband, Goblin). Non-fans will probably not like this, but fans of Argento or Suspiria should eat it up.

Blow Out (1981)

Undervalued DePalma and Travolta

[8/10 · 6 May 2000]

All of DePalma's early movies that he wrote and directed pay quite a bit of "homage" to other, greater directors. Dressed to Kill from Psycho; Obsession: Vertigo; Body Double: Rear Window and Vertigo (see a pattern?). Well, Blow Out is no different (though it does break the pattern): it's an audio take on the photography of Antonioni's Blowup.

Travolta plays a b-movie producer's sound man. One night, while recording some outdoor sound FX for his latest film, he witnesses, and records on audio tape, what appears to be an auto accident that takes the life of Pennsylvania's governor (the movie takes place in Philly, so I assume it's the governor of that state). By the time he reaches the car, the governor is dead, but the girl (not his wife) that he was with is still alive. As Travolta develops a relationship with the girl, he comes to believe that what he hears on his audio tape is not a tire blowing out, but a gun shot. When he "makes" a film of the incident from still pictures to accompany his audio track, his suspicions are confirmed. And then the trouble starts.

I'd guess not a lot of people have seen this movie in recent years. It's a shame, because it's really a great movie. Travolta is good, and this movie doesn't seem any of his tampering that most of his recent films do (these were the days when you could get Travolta for peanuts instead of 1/3 of the budget). Nancy Allen essentially plays the same role she plays in all of her then-husband's movies: the dumb blond. NYPD Blue fans may find the appearance of a thin, fully coiffed Dennis Franz worth a look. DePalma is very sharp in this one, using a lot of his quirky directorial touches to full effect (especially the scene where Travolta makes the movie of the accident; who would think to do that?). Clever wrapup, too. Well worth a look.

A Bay of Blood (1971)

Weirdness from the Master

[7/10 · 28 February 2000]

This movie is often considered to be one of Bava's best, and I can see why some would say that. Maybe there's something I just don't understand about the movie that makes me miss the point.

The plot revolves around the murder of an elderly woman and the subsequent inheritance grab that ensues. Possibly what is so off-putting about this film is that characters are introduced, and then killed off five minutes later. This isn't so much of a whodunit as much as a whokilledwho. And that's all the movie is: there's no mystery as to who the killer is, because it's everybody, so it's just a matter of who is left at the end. The murders themselves tend to be fairly original, particularly those that befall a precocious batch of horny teens who stumble onto the family estate (anyone who's seen Friday the 13th will see the inspiration for that movie right here). My one real complaint about this movie is the head-scratchingly odd ending, which really ties things up rather nicely, but leaves a rather questionable taste in your mouth. A must for Bava fans, but others may want to avoid.

Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)

Quite possibly the worst ever

[1/10 · 7 February 2000]

In 1986, Russell Mulcahy made a great film called Highlander, about a group of human immortals, fighting, over a period of 500 years, to become The One. Five years later, the sequel bell rang, and this movie is what Mulcahy came up with. And all I have to say is: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

The movie starts off in 1999, with the Earth slowly dying because the ozone layer is gone, and the Sun is baking us. Conner McCloud, the Highlander, now mortal, has invented a shield to protect Earth from the ultraviolet rays. Skip ahead 25 years, and the Earth is dying once again, because the Sun can't shine through the shield and all of the Earth's pollution is trapped inside the shield (the ultimate greenhouse effect). McCloud must now try to find out what the Shield Corp. is hiding from him. Oh, and there's some nonsense about immortals thrown in for the hell of it.

Other than the fact that this is just a terribly made movie, it has a type of sequel cancer, called Halloween 3 Syndrome, where the sequel disregards everything that has happened in the previous movie(s). In the first Highlander, all of the immortals were just differently-abled humans. Now, we're told that they're actually aliens who were banished from another planet. And to become The One in the first film, McCloud had to be the only immortal left. Well, come to find out, there are lots more immortals, so that nonsense about "there can be only one", well, that goes right out the window. The whole film appears to be a ripoff of Total Recall. Connery, who died in the first movie (but look, there he is!!), all but looks at his watch to check his hours billable. Lambert, who always appears to be having fun, appears to be having fun. The production values are garbage, and the FX are sooooo 1980s. This movie is a full flight of stairs down from the first one. Even the score, by ex-Police drummer Stewart Copeland, is a dropoff from the great Queen music of the first one. This movie is on equal grounds with Plan 9 and should be avoided, unless you're some kind of sick Chris Lambert or Virginia Madsen fan. Rent the original instead.