dyserian Reviews

Battlestar Galactica (1978–1979)

Wow !! The worst of 70s TV all rolled into one show !!

[3 July 2000]

Unlike some of the people who do reviews for IMDB I happen to be old enough to have been grown up when the first run of this tv show aired. I was 31. I saw the ABC promos and looked forward to a TV series with something interesting to give viewers. Whoooa. What a shock. At a million bucks /episode this series isnt only awful its down right repulvise.

What they gave us was not only ad hoc "Star Wars" and "Silent Running" bits but, the very worst parts of, "Ponderosa", "Buck Rodgers in the 22nd Century", "Lost in Space", "Disco Fever with Danny Terrio" all scholocked together with burned out character actors dating back to the 40's. Even Ed Wood would be embarrassed by the cigar chomping, cape waving effulence of this show.

Its no wonder this series was a hit... with kids.They were spared the grief of seeing whole segments/characters/stories of TVs worst shows from the 70's shamelessly reused. A million bucks just to bring groans and head throbbing gasps to any viewer over 20 and anyone with an IQ of over 1 Decacenton. This isnt just another Cowboys in Space Suits its more insidious. Its Ben Cartwright and boys meets Gomer Pile MINUS any pretense of humor, self mocking, or satire. The only thing that could save this mess is a retro fit of the laff track from "One day at a Time". Then somebody someday might think it was all done tongue in cheek.

The Mummy (1999)

A movie that goes on and on and on and on...

[5/10 · 26 November 1999]

Ok. I read Ebert's review first. I expected a tongue-in-cheek, semi serious, "Jewel of the Nile" like semi parody of the Adventure-Action genre film.What I saw was a nod of the hat gesture flick that went on and on and on. My brother in law summed it up perfectly. if inadvertantly, when he said, "It's not to long a movie. If youn undertand how movies are made. Movies have a begininning, a climax and an end." That's exactly what this movie has. A start, a climax.Another start another climax.Still another start, another climax.After starting a 1/2 half bottle of a rather decent white wine when the movie began I was "chilled" when the wine ran out but the movie didn't.It kept going on from one salute to another. A salute to Indy Jones, a salute to Romancing the Stone, a salute to Ray Harryhousen (sp), a salute to Star Wars, a salute to Temple of Doom, a final salute to Romancing the Stone and a final salute to itself. Yada, yada, yada. Ok already. Yeah. We got the point.You're a COMEDY/action movie. So was "Last Action Hero". Put an end to it already. Please. Once is enough. A guess it comes down to the difference between fine art and flim-flam art. Real Art knows when/where to stop. Flim Flam keeeps going and going and going. Too full of itself to to say, "Iv'e made my point.I can quit now"

Friends (1994–2004)

Gilligan's Island for the 90's Generation

[26 November 1999]

Or, take the cartoon characters from "Scooby Do", dumb them down by loosing the dog and add "giggle sex". Teenagers of all ages have yet another swarmy-cutesy TV series which bolsters their self worth (so they think).

This series makes sense only when you remember the overarching vanity of the desperately self obsessed young.Otherwise, it's not even bad enough to be embarrassing or sardonic. Think of: Cheap white bread and week old skim milk.Yawn.

Rushmore (1998)

It's really not a comedy or a romance flick.

[8/10 · 27 August 1999]

Let me start off by mentioning that I'm Bill Murray's age. Ive followed his entire career from SNL on. I never sensed any real wit just a person with a good comic sense and a deft knowledge of how to work what sells as 'humorous' to American 20-something popular taste. I think he was the first to get the kick in the groin scene in a movie. So, I expected "Rushmore" to be a farce. A slapstick, wise cracking, prank filled college version of "Caddy Shack". Boy, was I ever mistaken. (Thank God) Instead what they gave us was a wise, lovingly frank look back at mawkish Male Teen Puppy Luv and forward to Middle Aged White Male resentment, depressed rage as self pity filled isolation. Superb.

Every understated expression Bill Murray, as Herman Blume, made struck home. His semi-suppressed fed up disgust with his moronic, Disney fed, brain-heart empty, spoiled sons. His trophy wife who's just a trophy. A banal, rote life of commercial wheeling-dealing where only the final "bottom line' counts.His middle aged Holden Cauflied ("The Graduate") character rings absolutely true. He's made his fortune, he's played by all the social rules, he has the American Dream of fortune, kids, wife, property and wealth but, so what ? In his college days, while others sought an end to the war in Vietnam he sat in his dorm room reading his National Review and smugly gloated over his collection of Brooks Bros ties. But now everything he has, everything he's done, everything he's earned is just vapid dust. It's a day in, day out stick in his craw. More of a reminder of his utter failure as a person than tribute to his socially approved role as a wealth making tycoon. Deep inside, if he had any real courage, any real character he'd scrap it all just to have a soul filled laugh, a life of meaning. But he's caught in the game. He bought into the false promise that true fulfillment can be earned, bought. He gave up on creativity so that he could conform. He made the devil's bargain and found that the devil changed him. The devil ate him alive. He's soulless AND still living.Bummer.Heaven and Hell. Then he meets Miss Cross !

On the other end, Max Fischer, is all invention, cunning, imagination and youth filled exuberance. Hes made the same trade but from the other end of the age scale. He's a manipulator, self absorbed and In Luv. He cant be trusted. Hes funny but sinister.Hes ambition and energy without direction, common sense or, any maturity.Then he meets Miss Cross! The woman he selects to fall in luv with. She, finds him a curse and a burden.

Both characters, in the end, find a higher level of existence through their relationship to her. She's their muse, their savior, their transforming OTHER. Their relationship with her is what this movie is all about. It changes their lives. It shows them a better way to be human while still being just human. To attain her attention and affection they must bust loose from themselves. To find yourself you must get beyond your self.And boy, do thse guys ever "bust a move". LOL

Sure, this movie is slow. Sure, it takes awhile to grasp the subtleties. We arent spoon fed the story line. We're asked to reflect, to think back upon our stages in our lives, our "Max Fischer" period and our "Herman Blume" period.The sad part is that while some people grow out of being Max few fail to avoid becoming Herman in the process. I know I never met my Miss Cross. I had to travel the bitter-sweet wisdom road alone. I hope you meet yours. But just knowing that you could someday will probably have to be enough. Deal with it. LOL

Remember Jaques Cousteau !!

Scanners (1981)

Scanners ?? Hmmm...Oh, yeah. I think I saw that, once.

[6 August 1999]

Maybe it's me. ( Ok,it is me.) But, it seems to me that there are only a few people who can write a favorable review of a movie WITHOUT pronouncing it, "The greatest ____ movie I've ever seen !!!! " The only thing that tells us is that the reviewer is probably under 20 yrs old, has rarely seen movies made before 1980 and has never seen a movie that wasnt filled with giant eyed animated fuzzy animals. Such is Pop Culture. Any movie, it seems, thats more than 5 yrs old is labeled "classic" if there's any hint of a cult following.Campy now means any film that has a smidgen of pretense even if it's intentionally inserted by the filmmaker. (Hey, folks, thats the opposite of "Camp".)

What has all this to do with "Scanners" ? If you've ever seen "Videodrome" you'll know where I'm headed with this. "Scanners" is intetionally absurd. It's not so much a horror/sci fi as it is an attempt at making a cult, campy classic. It's similiar to "Killer Tomatoes" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space". You can tell the filmmakers are trying their utmost to "cheese it up" but, not to make fun of or, parody B rated horror flicks.(As in The "Escape from..." movies.) Ohhh no, their intent is to make the gafs so obvious that any 16 yr old will notice. That makes it patronizing. As subtle and clever as a water ballon filled with lemon juice.I wont waste anyone's time on the story or the acting. Thats not the point of this movie. This is one of the first movies to intentionally try and mine the Camp-Cult-Classic movie snob market. Its made for college kids to oogle and swoon over while downing their 40 oz malt liquors back at the dorm.

I saw this flick when it first came to TV and forgot about it while I was still watching it. Now, some 15 yrs later, Im watching it again on cable as Im writing this review. My advice ? Watch this Perkadan soaked, snozze meister. Watch for those "hooks" that are there to MAKE its target market audience scream "awesome", "kewl". Then 3 yrs from now when someone says "Hey, lets rent Scanners !!" you'll be able to say, as I did, Ohh..Scanners ??..I think I saw that one already. You wont remember it either. You'll feel so much better about yourself.

Star Trek: Insurrection (1998)

How many people does it take, Admiral ?

[7/10 · 1 July 1999]

I've been a moderate Star Trek Fan since the original TV series. Back then, Star Trek asked the difficult questions that no other TV series dared to touch (Veit Nam, War-Peace). However, now with Episode 9 of the movies series we finally bounce off the bottom of the Ethical Question Jefferies tube. It seems the question in this movie is "Do 600 people have the right to deny the healing effects of their planet to the entire universe ? Should 600 Baku' remain on their planet and thereby thwart the Federation-Disney plan to build a age reversing Spa Planet for billions ? Duh Yes, of course, says the movie.

HUH ??!! We arent talking ethnic cleansing here folks.This isn't Kosovo vs Serbia. Ethics is always about context and attitude. Not about strict, mindless adherance to legalistic formulas. Example: Thou shalt not kill. is the legalism, but is it ever really followed literally? No. Is a jay walker a criminal in the same sense that a car thief is a criminal ? No. So, what the problem here folks ? We arent talking 19th century American west, US Army vs the Apache, et al. But, I may be missing the point. This movies isnt really about the plot. The plot is only a device for Trekkers/Trekkies to mingle and quibble. Its a chance to get out of their High School AV Depts and swap Internet Porno site URLs.No girls invited.It's a "Boyz only" club meeting. Actually, teasing aside, this is a far superior view of the future then we get from the Star Wars franchise marketing android. Patrick Stewart is superb, as always.The tenor and tone is first rate. A good, solid movie ! I loved the Gilbert & Sullivan song especially. May Star Trek Baku' resist the assimilation by the Star Wars Sona-Borg. Restrained "Bravos" all around.. So how many people does it take, Admiral, to get past the fuzzy thinking and onto the more biting, socially disturbing questions of the original series and by pass the Star Wars quick buck allure ? I dunno',but lets hope their ejector assembly still functions with the next episode(s).

Nixon (1995)

Astonishing. Oliver Stone's best yet.

[10/10 · 13 March 1999]

Having lived my life concurrently with Richard Nixon's political career I was surprised to see how gentle, fair minded, even compassionate Oliver Stone was with this material. The Richard Nixon who gave unguided power and a smirk wink to Spiro Agnew, G.Gordon Liddy, Richard Colson, H L Hunt, et al. naturally doesn't inspire any sympathy. Yet Stone shows us a man. Nixon as man. A tragic figure in the Classical Greek tradition. One who inspires both horror and pathos. A man who was never satisfied because he never found completeness. A man who would pity himself after he was caught using others to fulfill his need to achieve. He reminds me of Bart Simpson's idea of OJ Simpson. "Sure, I'm covered in their blood but, why are you picking on me? Go look for the real killers." Nixon's tragedy was that he could never stop being "NixoniN"; he was the enemy he was certain was all around him. He'd tell the blue collar worker, the so called Reagan-Democrats, he was one of them while he worked to crush their power base and influance. They say ambition is its own punishment. "Nixon" shows us that. Without understanding power is cruelty unashamed, without humor ambition is repression, without caring life is self destructive. Those who live south of America's Manson-Nixon Line will always excuse Nixon's every action and will dislike this movie no matter what. That's too bad. Unless we see the Nixon inside ourselves we'll always succumb to the lies and venom. We'll give power to those least worthy of having it, thereby crushing and crippling ourselves again. Caveat emptor.

Singles (1992)

A Gen-Grung set piece

[1/10 · 21 February 1999]

White bread. That's the taste this movie left with me. Not even white bread toast. I suppose it was supposed to be an extended rock video with dialogue. And compared to "Sliding Doors" it's an actual achievement in understanding why middle class white kids always end up acting like, well, middle class white kids. They're spoiled into self absorbed oblviousness. It's a movie of sincere affection for the Grung Gen Xers it's about but that's about all. Just more self engrossed primping in front of a mirror. Every generation of "20 somethings" spends time seeking an identity, I guess. But these folks seem to put on the identity MTV, et al. gave them. Disappointing. Sigh. No one questions anything. Breast implants? yeah, duh, ok...sure. Kids ? Ok, duh, yeah..sure. Date a guy with an IQ that would embarrass a fish stick? Sure, yeah duh...ok. Will somebody shake these people? Please ? For it seems no matter how much they bang into and over each other, cut each other off, so to speak, they're driving in a deep mist. Maybe the choice of rainy, misty Seattle as the setting was also symbolic, unintentionally, of course. Soggy white bread pieces floating around a puddle..in a mist.

But it's a date movie, right ? I'm making too much of all this, right ? But considering the near divinity we American's proclaim for children; our neurotic luv with the culture of youthfulness and mindless conformity to anything youngish in fashion or fad I have to ask. Is this it ? Is this what the richest, most powerful nation in history can produce ? I guess so. So, what will I tell my children ? (snicker, smirk) These people make the people on "The Springer Show" look thoughtful and earnest in comparison. Maybe thats the final irony. Those who have been given and have everything possible become incapable of doing, being, thinking, feeling or becoming anything. They were given Seattle, all new, shiny and prosperous. They gave nothing to it so, in return they make it bland, ill fitting, noisy and tedious in its endless conformity, always turning in upon itself. A Mobius strip of stale, white bread.

Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)

A movie so sad you need 2000 Prozac.

[3/10 · 23 January 1999]

The Blues Brothers franchise self destructs. Why was a classic Baby Boomer goof off movie made showing its middle age trepidations ? What's next The Blues Brothers Country Club ? What has the kid to do with anything anyway ? These were some of the thoughts that seared my mind as I watched this Kluge of a movie. And like buggy software, every time you thought it was finally working, it froze up on itself. The music, which was the hit of the original flick, seems stale, even trite in this one. The car chases and crashes look like the out takes from the 1980 version. What humor there is is almost Disney like cutesy instead of funky and brash. Where was the kid's skate board and puppy ? Who were they afraid of offending ? To whom were they pandering ? Guess.

This movie was made for the advertisers who product placement seemed to be the only real concern of the moviemakers. We never expected a plot, but Gad !, would someone get a fresh set of monkeys at the dialoge typewriter, please ! All the shortcomings of the original flick were duplicated like from rote. The only message in this movie was, when you're big enough you don't have to care anymore. Just flip out some left overs, and some scraps, the adoring masses will tremble in gratitude. This movie is an unintenitional self parody, a seemingly endless grinding and rebooting of a failed concept. Its a serious downer in almost every respect. Rent the original, if you've never seen it, then staple on a hurl handbag to watch this chewy-as-gravel, poke in the eye. Be warned, next you'll see, "Blues Brothers visit the Muppet Babies on Ice." Will a Blues Brother(c) become a Furpy (c) or a Poke'mon (c) ? Does anyone care anymore? Thanks for decimating an American icon into a fast food franchise theme meal.

Sliding Doors (1998)

Is the Universe Brain Dead ?

[4/10 · 21 January 1999]

Here we have a movie about the alternative lives caused by a chance change in circumstance, a missed train. You would think that given the emotionally devastating results caused by that fluke would lead to something quite, well, different. But, no, our heroine is brain dead in both incarnations. What a ghastly take on the possibilities fate hands us. Sigh. Moan. Groan. I must admit, I found it impossible to keep my attention on this movie after it became clear that this movie was actually, really going to Disneyfy our main characters. No one suffers anything really. No one thinks much about anything, ever. Everyone sort of bubbles along bouncing from hard surfaced reality to gut wrenching twist. Where's the real people in these alternative lives ? Everyone seems as light as a flea and as deep as a snowflake. Serious situations produce only halting, dim witted faces. No hard questions. No insights. In a phrase it's Clueless London, 90210. These people have the personal and interpersonal insights/skills of a room full of 13 yr old former crack babies. No one seems the slightest bit aware of their actions or the consequences of their choices. Blah, barf, phooey. These people deserve each other and the paper thin, cardboard flavored lives they unwittingly create. Pass me the remote and a No Dose. Yawwn.