Reviews
D.A.R.Y.L. (1985)
R.E.V.I.E.W. (2004)
Not since Buster Keaton's "Seven Chances" has there been a re-telling of the life of Jesus this compelling... or this outrageous!! This Messiah is represented here in D.A.R.Y.L. (not "played" so much as "portrayed" by Barrett Oliver, who could have been the next Olivier had he bought a vowel.) After escaping from the top secret government laboratories (just like in Matthew 12.24), D.A.R.Y.L. meets a new family and friends, including Turtle (not "played" so much as "not-played" by Barrett Oliver, but by someone else) and his sister the trollop (inspired by Mary Magdalene and possibly, if the bathroom graffiti is to be believed, Simon Peter.) It is here that D.A.R.Y.L. is subject to various earthly temptations (video games, breaking windows with baseballs, piano lessons, scenes opposite Michael McKean) and is ultimately brought back to the top secret government laboratories (just like in Matthew 24.48.) and subsequently smuggled out by his new family, utilizing the "temptations" he had learned while in their presence. And thus, the story ends, yet begins again, like the waters of the Great Flood, like the parting of the Dead Sea, like Jonah and the Whale, the Circle of Life.
I think. Honestly, I don't pay much attention in church, unless they make an announcement about the availability of donuts. Circular. The Great Circle of Life.
No?
Okay.
Little Monsters (1989)
Two Enthusiastic Thumbs!
Fred Savage and Howie Mandell light up the screen* as the Little Monsters in this 1989 film of the same name. Savage plays young Kevin Arnold, here in what appears to be the most memorable days of his wonder years, but is actually just a story being told by Peter Falk. Mandell plays French crooner Maurice Chevalier, making choices no one had yet had the guts to make (i.e. horns, leather jacket.) Together they head a revolt of kids and monsters in the monster Underworld (filmed on location in Clinton, MO.) Along the way, they grow up, fill out, and kill Mr Badmonster in the process. Heartwarming, heartcooling, heartbreaking and heartrepairing all at once.
*With the assistance of one Mr. Fresnel.
Iron Will (1994)
Or, as the Chemists refer to it, Fe Will
Coming from a long line of sled-dog losers (including Magnesium Will and Nitrogen Will), Iron Will is determined to become the first in his family to declare, "I did a rod!" and actually mean it. He thwarted at every turn by multiple Cold War stereotypes, but never once forgets his dream, a dream of victory, a dream of respect, a dream of himself and Jim J. Bullock as roommates in an all-girl's college in the late seventies. Can he make this dream a reality, can he outsmart Ivan von Evilstein, will he reach the finish line on time, will Jim J. Bullock have the deposit by the 15th? Not without the help of his sled dogs Mr. Peabody, Seabiscuit, Rover Dangerfield, Notacat, The Good Humor Man He Sees Everything, A Hero Ain't Nothing But a Sandwich and Pat Morita In a Dog Costume. This movie comes highly recommended, but not by me.
Carpool (1996)
How Many Kids Can You Fit In A Carpool?
Think hard now. When was the last time you saw a film wherein so many challenges lie? For example: 1. Bucky is clearly of Canadian descent, however, neither of his parents are. Is the accent meant to imply a) he is an illegitimate child, or b) it was passed on by marathon viewings of Degrassi Junior High? 2. Travis is obviously an Olsen twin in drag, but which one?
3. Whatever happened to the brief fashion craze inspired by this film (a la the Annie Hall look) of young boys with unzipped flys? 4. How did the elderly woman get to the Hammerman's Gourmet Market safely, if, as she implies when Officer Erdman commandeers the vehicle, her brakes are shot? 5. What kind of research would prove that upscale consumers do not like donuts? As you can see, complex plot twists and characterizations abound, and they drive a great minivan through the mall. The cool part: backwards! So, you can see why when Franklin says he's lost his wallet, Daniel's response is, "Why?" Motivation is the key question in this world, and paying off circus performers. And keeping your mom away from the Sizzler, for the love of God!
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Do you say Mayrio or Mahrio?
I've heard it pronounced both ways. I guess only Bob Hoskins knows. This film revealed to the world that Mario's last name is in fact Mario, and one would assume it is his middle name as well, if his parents were on an uncreative roll. It was long, Reader, looooooooong!! Note the extra o's in the middle to emphasize the length. Plus, when we watched it, Mario kept getting 1-up's, so it lasted three hours loooonger. Note the three extra o's there. Moral of the story: be careful what you wish for. If you wish to watch this, that is. If not, you may or may not want to be careful. I really couldn't tell you.
Bye.
Cop & ½ (1993)
A review is meant to relation
This movie is so much that it contains. And more. Not more. It is chronicle of Reynolds, burt is 4/4 cop, and childboy's 2/4 cop, they play swords. A magical moment occurs. You'll miss it if so. Things get harder when drugs are taken, and the boy, the notallcop with the Reynolds the notrobocop they stop the drugs. All drugs. Every drug is shivering at Burt-boy combo not 2wholecops but almost. This is where magic is maken, where mom is taken (not matresside, you bedridden sicksicks.) Burt is mustache mother figure in replacement and boy learns lessens in life, drugs go home. All else is panic. A scream! Scream!
Frozen Assets (1992)
Have your Assets and Freeze them too!
You will laugh your assets off at the freezingly funny feature! Shelley Long (the original Ice Queen) and Corbin Bernsen (the original Ice Regent) are an asset of a pair of sperm-cross'd lovers in a small town where the men are men and the women are not. It's a kind of uplifting experience, but not recommended for those whose assets are hot, lukewarm, or just plain chilly. You just couldn't relate.
The Reflecting Skin (1990)
One Line Summary
I recommend Mr. Ridley's opus to those who love cinema, not film, and certainly not "flicks." On the one hand, you have the imagery, which has been justly described as visual. In fact, this work contains the most visual imagery I've ever seen. On the other hand, you have the multi-layered symbolism, woven like a spider weaves a web. Of cinema. On the third hand, you have a wart, which should be tended to by a dermatologist. But only one who loves cinema. Not "flicks." In short, this movie is 98 minutes. Any longer, and it would be.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
Sobering Cinema
A powerful depiction of a herd of children's coming of age, The Garbage Pail Kid's Movie is difficult to watch, but more difficult to dismiss. It follows a band of Outsiders even S.E. Hinton couldn't have dreamt up through the trials and tribulations of adolescence. Children whose talents are deemed gross by a society that doesn't understand them, and cannot see their pleas for help. One child has gastrointestinal problems (symptomatic of a stinky childhood) one can vomit at will (hello, bulemia, table for one, and hold the food), and one even resembles a dwarf Fonz (your guess is as good as mine.) Their only moments of happiness come from assisting Mackenzie Astin impress a girl by hiding a television from him, going to a bar, and stealing a sewing machine from a Non-Union Sweat Shop. All in the name of fashion. Poignant, putrid, perfect.
Screamtime (1983)
Hey Kids, What Time is It?
"Do you believe in fairies?" the elderly woman in the television set queried. If you now what's good for you, Jeff (or Jeff-ette), you will after taking a gander at this videotape-within-a-videotape-within-a-videotape-within-a-videotape (unless you own the DVD edition.) The movie does not star so much as feature a cast of actors put to the test as they watch video after video after video, and we watch them watching. Then they die (9 out of 10 viewers of Screamtime did not die after watching it, and those who did died of natural causes.) The phrase, "you get what you pay for," is given new meaning as two hooligans steal three videos (thus not "paying for" them), and are then murdered by them, fortunately after viewing them all the way through. These hepcats probably weren't even kind enough to rewind. At least there were no late charges, just late patrons.
As in dead!!!
Snowboard Academy (1997)
Once in a short while, a movie comes along, and this certainly fits the description.
Shepphird's Snowboard Academy pays homage to early Stanley Kubrick films, such as Killer's Kiss, Paths of Glory and Ski Patrol. This time out, the stellar cast includes Joe Flaherty, Corey Haim, and Jim Varney (showing his range by NOT playing Ernest in this film). The sexual undertones are rampant, from Haim's coy galnces at anything in a skirt to Varney's poem, "I once knew a woman from Russia, whose butt was so big it could crush ya." Haim is refreshing to see here, fresh from whatever eighties movie he made before this one, playing the rebellious teen so convincingly, we almost believe he's apathetic. I don't think Alec Guinness was in this one, but if he had been asked, he undoubtedly would have turned it down.
Stop Making Sense (1984)
Incredible incredible incredible
Seeing this film was a religious experience for me. I swear, if you're not yet a fan of Talking Heads/David Byrne, you'll never be the same after this. The only downside, David disappears so Tom Tom Club can do some stupid number. It is so unbelievable, amazing, WOW! David Bynre should be worshipped in some tribe. Halleluiah!
Fawlty Towers (1975)
Ah, yes. Quite lovely.
Very few things in life give me as much pleasure as watching episodes of Fawlty Towers does. Before you say, "that must mean he is a very, very sad little boy," see it for yourself, and I think you'll agree. Besides, I'm 21 years old, let's watch the little boy cracks, please.