Jemmy Reviews

Black Dahlia (1998 Video Game)

Would have been. Could have been. SHOULD have been.

[6/10 · 29 June 2001]

It was very pretty. And then it sucked. No, seriously. We are Jim Pearson, vastly amusing and not bad to look at, but does seem to think he's Indiana Jones. They told us our mission was to discover the vast subterfuge of Nazi-ism in Cleveland, but in reality, we get to play with psychics, runes, crotchety insane ex-detectives (played by Dennis Hopper in all his crotchetyness), wannabe actresses, and a slimeball named Dick. The point is actually to find the Black Dahlia, a mystical stone which contains all sorts of swirling evilness. This should be simple. Then again...

1. The puzzles are extremely finicky. Casual gamers should get the walkthrough, lest they find themselves sitting there asking, "How the heck am I supposed to know that?!?" 2. The graphics are fantastic. They do occasionally have that live-action blue screen artificial feel. Not often, though. 3. The story was "inspired by actual events". The actuality only went so far as the fact that there really was a Torso Killer, and the Black Dahlia did exist...only it was a SHE and not a STONE. 4. The ending(s). AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! It felt like so much effort and oh so very little payoff. We want to rewrite it. Better things can happen. This doesn't mean you shouldn't play it, though. Just be prepared.

This would make a fabulous pulp novel. More so than an adventure game.

The World Is Not Enough (1999)

A True Bond Film

[7 December 1999]

Personally, I was thrilled to see Dame Judi Dench as M become an important figure, and not just someone who sits behind the desk and sends men out to die. Previous Bond films have underused her. I cannot, however, say the same thing about Denise Richards's nuclear scientist. Evidently, Denise Richards comes from the Bridge School of Acting--unable to convey the concept of falling off of one, even if you push her. Yeah, I know why she was there, but she has less personality than the wet t-shirt she was sporting. And who would dress her in that jean jacket?!

Overall, however, my quibbles are few. I didn't approve of Bond's injury-- Bond should be impervious to injury. However, the rest of the film, with it even having a *plot* -- a step up from the atrocious Tomorrow Never Dies -- was pleasing. Sophie Marceau, as everyone has been saying, does a fantastic turn as Elektra King, and almost makes up for Denise Richards.

As for Brosnan, he was already my favorite Bond just due to GoldenEye, and he continues the role well through this movie. "James Bond Will Return" felt like a promise instead of the threat it was after Tomorrow Never Dies.

City of Angels (1998)

The best parts are the shots of angels on buildings.

[3/10 · 9 October 1999]

Some genius in the casting department wants us, the viewers, to believe that Perky Meg Ryan is a surgeon, and not just a surgeon, but one who's never had a patient die on her. I suppose she's never seen ER, either. Anyway, Whispering Nicholas Cage, the guardian angel who's supposed to be taking the dying man's soul into the after-world is mesmerized by Perky Meg Ryan who, one has to admit, isn't feeling so perky. In fact, he watches her as she sits and has a good cry, which is all well and good, but shouldn't someone be doing something about that soul who's just wandering around the hospital?

So Whispering Nicholas Cage, who frankly doesn't exactly scream--or whisper--angel, goes and talks to his Angel Buddy(tm) and they have a deep discussion on whether or not people see them, just as they hang around a convenience store that's being held up. Angel Buddy(tm) declares that no matter how despondent Perky Meg Ryan has become, she doesn't need to see him.

But Whispering Nicholas Cage goes back to the hospital anyway to console poor Perky Meg Ryan. She sees him looking in on another patient, and they talk. His name is Seth, and he starts to meet up with her at random times. That and he watches her when she can't see him, too, which is just a shade too close to angelic stalking for comfort. So it turns out that the angels live in the library and listen to the sunrise. Great. Perfect sense. And the patient that Perky Meg Ryan has just saved is actually a fallen angel.

Whispering Nicholas Cage takes this fallen angel out to lunch to pump him for information and learns the meaning of Free Will(tm) which God has given to all his creations, angels included. Perky Meg Ryan also learns that Whispering Nicholas Cage is an angel, mainly by stabbing him, but is totally turned off by this fact. She tells Whispering Nicholas Cage to buzz off, she's going to go marry her boyfriend in Lake Tahoe.

SPOILER!!!



This makes Whispering Nicholas Cage not so perky and he leaps off a tall building in a single bound. The only time, in fact, when he doesn't whisper is when he's ecstatic that he's bleeding. So he runs to the hospital where they tell him that Perky Meg Ryan has run to Lake Tahoe to get married. (Didn't she tell him that earlier?)

Let's recap, he's been shot down by Perky Meg Ryan, fallen off of a building, ridiculed by construction workers, and then mugged of everything including his shoes by random guys. And he's still glad he's human. He wanders around barefoot in the rain for a while until a guy takes him to Tahoe. He finds Perky Meg Ryan once again not so perky because she's just dumped her boyfriend, and they have a night of wild passionate sex.

The next morning, Whispering Nicholas Cage scalds himself in the shower and Perky Meg Ryan gets hit by a truck. Frankly, I'd say being a human has pretty much sucked for Whispering Nicholas Cage. He spends the rest of the movie sulking, and yet, just in time to deliver the moral of the movie, Angel Buddy(tm) reappears and asks him if it was all worth it.

Of course he says yes, but I don't buy it. Sorry, but one night of wild passionate sex does not a lifetime make. Perky Meg Ryan should stick to fluffy romances that at least don't pretend to have a moral. And I don't know what Whispering Nicholas Cage should do, except perhaps get that nasty case of laryngitis taken care of.

The Mummy (1999)

Well, thank goodness for Eye Candy!

[9 October 1999]

Many reviews of this movie claim that it was a poor remake, or missing plot bits, or full of bad storytelling. I will concede those points. There were plot holes. Having never seen previous mummy-movies, I really can't make an accurate or informed opinion on whether this movie was a poorly done remake. But gosh darn it, I can say it was PRETTY! Pretty? you ask. Yes. In the vein of The Fifth Element. That is to say, plot really wasn't important to the writers/creators, but it didn't matter because it was so much fun.

And more importantly, The Mummy had something that The Fifth Element didn't. More to the point, several somethings. Brendan Fraser, The-guy-who-loses-his-eyes, The-guy-in-the-dress, Imhotep--when he has skin. Yes, you guessed it. Good looking guys. And for those people more interested in the other sex, a good many people have declared that the Cursed-Princess (pre-death) and The Librarian were both exceedingly fun to watch.

Do those people make the movie good? No. Do the special effects? Hardly. But do they make the movie fun? YES!! Settle yourself and some friends down in front of the tv, load up on caffeine and buttered popcorn and *enjoy*!

Highlander (1992–1998)

More fun than Highlander II!

[9 October 1999]

Of course, most things are more fun than Highlander II. I didn't understand Highlander the movie, didn't like Highlander: The Raven and, as anyone smart knows, friends don't let friends watch Highlander II. But this tv series was fun, and smart. I'm exceedingly sorry to say that even the reruns are hard to find on television now.

Take one good looking guy (Adrian Paul as the immortal, Duncan) who at least can handle the Scots accent (see the Highlander movies, and try explaining to me why McLeod has a Swedish accent??? Sven McLeod anyone?) Add to him actual plot (although the incredibly cool Methos might be outweighed by the incredibly _annoying_ Amanda) and you get a darn fun time. I highly recommend it.

The Scarlet Pimpernel (1982 TV Movie)

Wonderfully Done!!

[9 October 1999]

As a fan of both the book (to a point, despite its dated problems and point of views) and the musical, I was ecstatic to spot this movie on the Romance Classics channel. It was wonderful. It was as faithful to the book as the book deserved. Jane Seymour did a marvelous job as Marguerite, and Anthony Andrews made a great Sir Percy, even if he wasn't as handsome as Broadway fans would like...

More to the point, the most recent A&E remake was extraneous. This version, from '82, fulfilled the job most admirably. I recommend it to any Pimpernel fan!

Exosquad (1993–1995)

A fantastic afternoon cartoon

[19 September 1999]

I'll admit that in general, I'm fond of cartoons, but I despise one trick ponies. ExoSquad is far from being a one trick show. The storylines were diverse and interesting, yet connected nicely for an ongoing plot. The characters developed better than most television shows.

Essentially, the premise boiled down to the genetically altered NeoSapiens revolting from their slave positions and taking over Earth, Mars and Venus. The ExoSquad must attempt to liberate their home planets, but at the same time, by both necessity and inclination, realize that the NeoSapiens are not as evil as one might think, and neither are the pirates that have always been their enemies.

The beautiful thing about the show was that it was intelligent. Attitudes changed as characters grew. The viewer was not treated to random violence every time they turned on the show. This show deserved better than to be unceremoniously cancelled at episode 52.

Living in Peril (1997)

Let me tell you how bad this movie was...

[1/10 · 9 January 1999]

This is basically a movie about Rob Lowe being terrified of fictional rats that he believes crawl out of his toilet at night and urinate on his blueprints. I'm not kidding. Add to this an ex-East German with no brains whatsoever, an expensive prostitute, James Belushi (no less annoying than he was in About Last Night, also with Rob Lowe) and Al from Quantum Leap and you have the entire untalented cast. Okay, so one has to admit that they had _nothing_ with which to work, I'll agree to that. However, one also has to admit that if they read the script before agreeing to do the movie, then they're all _really_ desperate for money. Even Bull from Night Court shows up to sell Rob Lowe a gun. The only worthwhile thing about this movie occurs in the first five minutes when someone uses a two liter of Coca-Cola as a deadly weapon. I approved of that. The rest of the movie is boring, and utterly peril-less, not perilous.

If the Shoe Fits (1990 TV Movie)

Rob Lowe in sparkles!

[9 January 1999]

Why did I see this movie? Because of Rob Lowe. Why did I enjoy this movie? Because it's cute fluff. This is a Cinderella tale, complete with requisite wicket roommates and a fashion-traumatized Fairy Godmother. Jennifer Grey plays the Cinderella character and she designs shoes. She also falls in love with Salvitore (Rob Lowe) for absolutely no reason that the audience can tell, as he's pretty much a self-absorbed designer who wears sequins. After Kelly, our hapless heroine, helps a tourist (the fairy godmother) her shoes become magical, and when she wears them she becomes Prudence, the fashion model that Salvitore immediately falls in love with. Well, I'm sure you can guess what happens, Kelly and Prudence force Salvitore to choose between them, and he makes the right choice, of course. But it _is_ a cute movie, and I suggest that if you're lucky enough to find it (and it is cheap on Amazon.com) go ahead and watch it.

Bad Influence (1990)

Rob Lowe makes a great sociopath

[8/10 · 30 December 1998]

Who wouldn't be taken in by Rob Lowe's good looks and charm, at least in this movie. Here he plays Alex (although that might not be his name) who convinces Michael (James Spader) to take a grip on his life, although not in a conventional way, and go after what he really wants. Obviously we're meant to feel for Spader, first as he's led through the LA underground scene that he doesn't understand or fit into, and then as his life falls apart when Alex is angry that he's no longer wanted in Spader's yuppie life. However, Spader plays his character so flat that its ever so much more fun to watch Lowe play the maniacal murderer and laugh along with him. When his last lines are delivered, just a touch cheesily, they're true: everyone has a dark side that they don't want to acknowledge. This movie either tried to make you fear that side, or get in touch with it, but the makers weren't all that clear on what they wished you to do. If it was to get in touch with it, they pointed out rather blatantly what would happen if you do (although to share that would be to give away the ending.) I'd like to point out one thing, though. This movie could have been made with less sex and nudity and probably have been just as effective (were they making a psychological thriller or soft porn?) Either way, it was a good movie, if a *bit* on the predictable side.

Masquerade (1988)

One scene could have made this movie

[30 December 1998]

This movie is essentially a mystery: who really wants the rich young heiress dead? However, there is *one* scene in this movie that, if done better, could have improved this entire movie. Rob Lowe plays the impoverished sailing instructor who makes the heiress (Meg Tilly) fall in love with him. He kills her step-father, who we already know is a total jerk. But at that one scene, if Lowe had done a more convincing job of letting the viewers know how his character felt, his character wouldn't have had such questionable motives, and the movie would have had less questions and a few more answers. As it is, we never do find out what he felt at that one decisive moment in time, and all the good and bad things he does throughout the film are also questionable. And the ending, might I say, while suspenseful is awfully tacky. All in all, it could have been a better movie, but its not a *bad* movie. And it's definitely possible to play MST3K with it. So go ahead, pick it up from your local video rental place and enjoy, however guiltily.

Hello Again (1987)

I saw it for free, and it was still too expensive

[30 December 1998]

Two words: bad movie. Shelley Long is annoying, and I must admit a certain tingle of happiness when she, as a boring housewife, dies, and a certain amount of disappointment when she comes back to life. Her love interest, after her return from the grave, is Gabriel Byrne, a fantastic actor in a terrible film. What does his character see in hers? The audience is left unconvinced that there's anything, and the entire film is a groaner full of "Why did I bother to watch this?" thoughts.

Crazy Six (1997 Video)

Please, don't waste your money!

[1/10 · 19 December 1998]

I am not afraid of bad movies. I like bad movies. I enjoy mocking them in the company of my friends. We're all quite good at it, in fact. That being said, let me tell you how much I hated this movie.

To begin with, it was incomprehensible. Rob Lowe attacks some people, they capture him but he escapes in this big ol' shoot out. There's this singer whom we think died, only she didn't, unless maybe there are several of them who all act and look the same. Cue Burt Reynolds to come in and question the singer. He looks like he's just wandered into this movie off of the Walker, Texas Ranger set and is darn confused. Then Rob Lowe dies, only he doesn't... And the worst thing is, there's not enough dialogue or action that doesn't involve killing people or attempting to to even make fun of this movie!! And don't even get me started on the random chihuahua. Then there was the fact that it was supposed to be about the old power structure in Eastern-Europe falling apart. We didn't know where we were, all the accents were apparently "Eastern-European" and what were Burt Reynolds and Rob Lowe doing there in the first place?

I desperately wanted to tell the people at Blockbuster what I thought of this movie, and to get my money back, but since I'd gotten it as a special (only $.99) I decided against it. What I want to know, however, is HOW THE DIRECTOR GOT THE GREENLIGHT to make this darn movie, and what the 'stars' were thinking when they signed on???

GoldenEye (1995)

Plotless fun!

[9/10 · 19 December 1998]

Okay, so it wasn't exactly *plotless* but there were holes big enough to drive that tank through. I've seen this movie a number of times, and I did enjoy it immensely, but that could just be because I'm a huge fan of Sean Bean. But to return to my point, I think the original reason I saw this film so often was to figure out what *why* people did what they did--namely the villain, Alec Trevelyan (Sean Bean). Someone else already pointed out that while the writers did give *some* explanations as to his motivation, they gave both too many and contradicting ones. And I'm very glad that someone else pointed out that while Bond, as a movie genre, is supposed to be ageless, and presumably all the agents would be, Alec Trevelyan would be in his sixties when the movie opened if he meant what he said about his parents being Cossacks being sent back to Russia. To return to this villainy, it would also have been swell if someone had finally decided whether Trevelyan was 'evil' before or after the explosion at Arkangel in the opening of the film. There are conflicting clues to the answer to this, and some definitive answer would be nice. (Even the novelization, which wasn't particularly good, never bothered to answer this.)

However, with all those caveats, it was still a good movie. It was a lot of fun, Natalya made a refreshing love interest, far more interesting than Teri Hatcher in Tomorrow Never Dies, and Xenia, while a bit absurd, was at least interesting enough to poke fun at. And who could forget the computer nerd played by Alan Cumming? As for Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan's performance was, to my mind, far more interesting and enjoyable than Timothy Dalton's two movies, or any of Roger Moore's. All in all, a fun movie, and there is no one who can tell me that the tank ride *through* the horse statue wasn't cool. (And is it just me and my companions, but didn't the satellite dish coming out of the water look like a giant flushing toilet?)

A Woman's Guide to Adultery (1993– )

On a Scale From One to Five, This Gets a "Who Cares?"

[5/10 · 19 December 1998]

This movie is a long. This movie is dull. It could have been interesting, and it probably should have been interesting, but it tried to do too much and you stop caring at all.

The main character, Rose, thinks that committing adultery is the worst crime. And yet *all* of her friends are doing just that. What does this say about society? At any rate, she falls for her photography teacher (Who wouldn't? Sean Bean plays yet another jerk, but he's a good looking jerk) who just happens to be the brother of her closest friend (who's having an affair with a politician.) She finds out before they actually begin their affair that he's married, though he doesn't volunteer this information.

So they have an affair and then she feels betrayed because when his wife get pregnant, he returns to her. Huh? She, in her own words, shouldn't have been having an affair to begin with. And she gets really really annoyed that he won't take her on a ferry ride.

Eventually her friend's marriage disintegrates in a subplot that no one cares about but it does have a rather fun scene in which a stereo goes through a window.