I'm not one to look down on others' sexual desires, but this movie creeps me out and I find something terribly wrong with anyone who gets a kick out of the sexual relationship in "Private Lessons." Don't get me wrong, I love seeing man-woman sex in movies and I would have killed to have Emmanuelle trying to get in my pants when I was fifteen years-old, but... eww.
I've read "Philly," the Dan Greenburg novel this movie is based on, and it reads like something you would write a junior-high book report on. The only noteworthy thing about `Philly' is how poorly it's written. The plot twists are apparent fifty pages ahead of time, the sex lacks any eroticism and come off as the dark, dirty, twisted fantasies of a sinister old guy, and, inexplicitly, the word "whore" is spelled "hoor." Yet, Jack Barry and Don Enright, the brains behind "The Joker's Wild" and the "21" quiz show scandal felt the need to snap up the rights to this garbage. Sure, it was a box office smash and people have fond memories of it, but keep in mind these same group of people gave us about two dozen "Police Academy" sequels.
Yeah, the original Emmanuelle, Sylvia Kristel, is in the movie. And Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. show up to take advantage of craft services and, oh, they also appear in the movie. Don't for a second let this fool you into thinking that this makes "Private Lessons" worth seeing. Okay, Emmanuelle being in the movie is pretty cool. However, the combined star power of Hesseman and Begley? Please. If opening this weekend was a buddy flick starring Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. where they travel across country in an electric car, you would take that as an opportunity to leave the country. I wouldn't even want them washing my car, electric or not. In their defense, the directing and writing is so bad, the mere fact that they take up physical space in the movie is commendable. And by just standing around holding a tennis racquet in this movie Begley surpasses his Golden-Globe nominated role in "Transylvania 6-5000." Regardless of all this, my point is do not lull yourself into thinking that you want to see these two men act in anything.
Now, back to the dirty sex. "Private Lessons" contains a tour de force performance by the nipples of Sylvia Kristel's body double. These nips should get top billing above the title. Now, I love nipples as much anyone else, but I don't believe there is any good reason why a viewer should be subjected to a scene where three-inch erect nipples are rubbed against the chest of an underdeveloped fifteen year-old boy while Rod Stewart's "You're In My Heart" plays in the background. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and hear screaming, don't worry, that's just me having a nightmare about this scene.
No amount of nudity and sex can make this movie watchable. Plenty of movies have nudity and wacky sex antics, so don't settle for this crap. However, if for some reason, you find yourself fancying the plot, seek out the impossible to find, but far superior `Private Lessons II.' Having seen both you'll realize that Philly is no Ken, Lester is no Oba, Joyce is no Yoko and Sherman is no Koji. There were scenes in "Private Lessons" that I was praying for Koji to show up in. Sure, it makes no sense and there's very little nudity in it, but it's a much better way to spend an hour and a half.
I've read "Philly," the Dan Greenburg novel this movie is based on, and it reads like something you would write a junior-high book report on. The only noteworthy thing about `Philly' is how poorly it's written. The plot twists are apparent fifty pages ahead of time, the sex lacks any eroticism and come off as the dark, dirty, twisted fantasies of a sinister old guy, and, inexplicitly, the word "whore" is spelled "hoor." Yet, Jack Barry and Don Enright, the brains behind "The Joker's Wild" and the "21" quiz show scandal felt the need to snap up the rights to this garbage. Sure, it was a box office smash and people have fond memories of it, but keep in mind these same group of people gave us about two dozen "Police Academy" sequels.
Yeah, the original Emmanuelle, Sylvia Kristel, is in the movie. And Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. show up to take advantage of craft services and, oh, they also appear in the movie. Don't for a second let this fool you into thinking that this makes "Private Lessons" worth seeing. Okay, Emmanuelle being in the movie is pretty cool. However, the combined star power of Hesseman and Begley? Please. If opening this weekend was a buddy flick starring Howard Hesseman and Ed Begley Jr. where they travel across country in an electric car, you would take that as an opportunity to leave the country. I wouldn't even want them washing my car, electric or not. In their defense, the directing and writing is so bad, the mere fact that they take up physical space in the movie is commendable. And by just standing around holding a tennis racquet in this movie Begley surpasses his Golden-Globe nominated role in "Transylvania 6-5000." Regardless of all this, my point is do not lull yourself into thinking that you want to see these two men act in anything.
Now, back to the dirty sex. "Private Lessons" contains a tour de force performance by the nipples of Sylvia Kristel's body double. These nips should get top billing above the title. Now, I love nipples as much anyone else, but I don't believe there is any good reason why a viewer should be subjected to a scene where three-inch erect nipples are rubbed against the chest of an underdeveloped fifteen year-old boy while Rod Stewart's "You're In My Heart" plays in the background. If you ever wake up in the middle of the night and hear screaming, don't worry, that's just me having a nightmare about this scene.
No amount of nudity and sex can make this movie watchable. Plenty of movies have nudity and wacky sex antics, so don't settle for this crap. However, if for some reason, you find yourself fancying the plot, seek out the impossible to find, but far superior `Private Lessons II.' Having seen both you'll realize that Philly is no Ken, Lester is no Oba, Joyce is no Yoko and Sherman is no Koji. There were scenes in "Private Lessons" that I was praying for Koji to show up in. Sure, it makes no sense and there's very little nudity in it, but it's a much better way to spend an hour and a half.
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