Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Black Cauldron (2019)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Cornelius Evazan, Gurgi

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [on Hen Wen]  Miss Piggy's origin story is a lot more aggressive than I thought it would be.

• Taran : But without the help of my pig Hen Wen here, I- Hen Wen?

  [flatly] 

  Taran : Oh, no!

  Nostalgia Critic : That was really the best take you had?

  Taran : Oh, no!

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimics Taran, takes out cereal]  I'm going to have my favorite cereal. Oh, no! This isn't my favorite cereal! Oh, well, I'll still put it in a bowl. Oh, no! We're out of bowls! Oh, well, I'll still get the toy that's inside. Oh...

• [Taran thinks he should receive an award for surviving 1980s kids movies that are actually quite dark and scary] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I guess "Black Cauldron" isn't the most liked movie, huh?

  [everyone gasps in shock at the comment] 

  Malcolm : Did you dare say you didn't like "Black Cauldron"?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, yeah! I mean, no. I mean... That's what you were all acting like!

  Dorothy Gale : Well, nobody likes "Black Cauldron", but that doesn't mean you don't... like... "Black Cauldron"...!

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell does that mean?

  Malcolm : It's... complicated. Developed in the '70s, "Black Cauldron" went through a lot of reworking until its premiere in 1985. Apparently, it was passed from creative team to creative team, constantly ate up money, being the most expensive animated film at the time, and was heavily edited down because Jeffrey Katzenberg freaked when he saw kids running out of pre-screenings due to how scary it was.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow, this film sounds kind of badass!

  Malcolm : [hesitating]  It is... to an extent. When it came out, it was not very well received by critics or audiences. In fact, it lost to "The Care Bears Movie". That had already been out. For several months. It was often referred to as the film that almost destroyed Disney. Over the years, though, it's grown a cult following, being praised by fans of dark '80s movies, and cheering it for being the black sheep of Disney cinema.

  Atreyu : Yeah! People were great understanding it was too dark for their brainwashed Disney minds.

• Nostalgia Critic : The film opens subtle enough with the description of what the Black Cauldron is.

  Movie Narrator : There was once a king so cruel and so evil, that even the gods feared him.

  Nostalgia Critic : Man, everyone was freaked out by those BK ads then. A black cauldron was made to conceal the king's evil, and whoever possessed it could raise an army of the dead. So obviously, this evil king is the bad guy, right? Nope, never mentioned again. Kind of odd they were building him up so much.

• Nostalgia Critic : We then cut to a cottage where a wizard maybe man named Dallben looks after a boy named Taran. Wait, with an American accent, is it "TEAR-an" or "TAR-an"? I'm just gonna call him "Tearin'", 'cause his voice is tearing through my earlobes like a Monolith of annoyance.

• Nostalgia Critic : Taran, I'm 100% convinced, is the lost Disney princess. Now, I know that doesn't sound right, seeing how there's technically a Disney princess in this later, but she doesn't have as many Disney Princess traits as he does. For example, he's very delicate and fey, he lives in a cottage, is unhappy with his life, has no mother, and yearns for more. Even his design is very Disney Princess-esque.

  [he shows a shot of Taran and Princess Eilonwy together and switches their hair] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look at him! If you just switch the hair, it's pretty damn close! You're ahead of your time, man! You're breaking down barriers you don't even know you're breaking down. There is the minor issue, though, that the yearning part I was talking about is actually more... whining, if you replace "actually more" with "ear-fistingly obsessive".

  [he shows a montage of Taran whining about wanting to do great deeds as a warrior instead of taking care of pigs] 

  Cornelius Evazan : [appearing beside the Critic briefly]  He doesn't like you.

  Nostalgia Critic : I know the idea is to show he's cocky and not ready for the world he's about to enter, but there's a difference between "Peter Parker cocky" and "Howard the Duck cocky". One has charm in how naive he is, and the other is Howard the Duck. Don't be like Howard the Duck.

• Nostalgia Critic : The Horned King is voiced by legendary actor John Hurt, who offers a pretty chilling read, with the exception of when he's rushed here and there. It's like he was doing so good, and then he found out he didn't put money in his parking meter.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the pig has magical powers. When you put her face in water, she can predict the future. Cool. When my hamster puts his balls in Kool-Aid, he can watch "Gilligan's Island". What the hell kind of power is that? I mean, come on. A map in the moonlight reveals hidden letters, playing a flute over fire can summon magic imagery, shoving a pig's face in a toilet can get you lottery numbers. It just doesn't seem particularly whimsical.

• Nostalgia Critic : Gurgi is if the Shaggy Dog's ass farted Jar Jar Binks' voice, no matter how often you asked him to stop. And yes, dear viewer, he's in a LOT of the movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Gurgi]  Someone was like, "I bet you can't trick Disney animators into drawing Wilford Brimley's armpit hair on the Pokemon doll of Mark Twain with the death rattle of Donald Duck." And some sadist bastard was like, "WATCH ME!"

• [in the movie, a busty gypsy woman is dancing to entertain the Horned King's henchmen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa! Esmeralda's been taking some liberties with her branding! Shit, now I'm just thinking of a funnier version of "Hellfire".

  [singing in Claude Frollo's voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I feel her, I see her / The sun caught in her raven hair / Don't shame me, it's my thing I just love; her rolls!

• Horned King : [seeing Taran with Hen Wen]  I presume, my boy, you are the keeper of this oracular pig.

  Nostalgia Critic : [snickers]  You know, there's some words that just can't be made creepy, even with John Hurt's amazing voice. I'm convinced "pig" is one of them. I mean, come on.

  [imitating the Horned King] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You are the owner of this animal. The owner of this creature. The owner of this... pig.

  [normal again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I just keep expecting to see him in "Babe", like...

  [the Horned King is seen talking to that movie's title character] 

  Horned King : That'll do, pig. That'll do. Now die.

  [Babe explodes] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [incredulous that the princess is named Eilonwy]  Isn't anyone named Bob in this?

  [shows a shot of Dallben] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, there's Heirekapwapwa!

  [shows a shot of the Horned King] 

  Nostalgia Critic : There's Gogobegill of Shapetypfepfe!

  [shows a shot of Gurgi] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Behold, Obnoxity of Shutup! Your names all sound like preservatives!

• Horned King : [capturing Taran and turning him over to his henchmen]  Throw the boy to the dungeon!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as the Horned King]  Then throw the *dungeon* in the dungeon! Then throw the dungeon in the boy!

• Nostalgia Critic : We then cut to the castle of the Horned King, beautifully accompanied by Elmer Bernstein's recycled Gozer theme.