Lucifer (TV Series)
The One with the Baby Carrot (2017)
Tom Ellis: Lucifer Morningstar
Photos
Quotes
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Linda Martin : Lucifer, you didn't invent the idea of giving favors!
[chuckles]
Lucifer Morningstar : [Glares]
Linda Martin : Ha, yep, forgot who I was talking to.
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Ella Lopez : Not the murder weapon. This is a .380, and the murderer used a 9mm.
Lucifer Morningstar : All that means is that he hid his other gun somewhere else. So come on. Prostate exams for all the puppets.
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Lucifer Morningstar : [Looking at a giant prop chicken] That's the biggest cock I've ever seen.
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Chloe Decker : After it became a family show... the micropenis got removed.
Lucifer Morningstar : Did anyone even notice?
[Chuckles]
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Lucifer Morningstar : I see what's happening here. A mysterious figure handing out favors, probably dashing and handsome. You think I'm the Sinnerman. Well, truth is...
Marcus Pierce : You're not the Sinnerman. He's smart, and calculated.
Lucifer Morningstar : [aggrieved] You don't know me. Maybe I am the Sinnerman. Surprise!
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Chloe Decker : The Sinnerman is an urban myth; He doesn't exist. He's a boogeyman that criminals use to hide their bad behavior. "The Sinnerman made me do it."
Lucifer Morningstar : Yet another thing he's stolen from me, being blamed for the bad deeds of men.
[pause]
Lucifer Morningstar : He can keep that one, actually.
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Lucifer Morningstar : The man is clearly a thief. Let's go give him a good throttling.
Chloe Decker : I'm leaning towards just talking to him.
Lucifer Morningstar : And *then* throttling. I suppose a little foreplay never hurt anyone.
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Chloe Decker : We found him.
Lucifer Morningstar : Who? The missing link?
[Looks at photo]
Lucifer Morningstar : Proof of human/rodent copulation?
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Chloe Decker : Originally, the show was much edgier. About a guy dealing with his insecurities about his, um...
[Flustered]
Chloe Decker : W-Well, I really don't want to tell you.
Lucifer Morningstar : Ooh. Well, now I need to know.
Chloe Decker : [Signs] Dealing with his insecurities about his, um, micropenis.
Lucifer Morningstar : All right, well. Hold me closer, tiny donger. So you're saying we're looking for a needle in a penis stack.
Chloe Decker : See, this is why I didn't want to tell you.
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Lucifer Morningstar : I'm not the one who hid a gun up a puppet's backside. Or have all the puppets got guns in them? If so, I'll set my DVR.
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Beautiful Woman : I'm totally into cosplay. I could dress up as a devil and make it really sexy.
Lucifer Morningstar : I have no desire to have sex with myself. Not right now, at least.
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Chloe Decker : [Looking at victim's notebook] So what are these, jokes?
Lucifer Morningstar : A charitable description, Detective.
[Reads]
Lucifer Morningstar : "Avocado, how about avoca-don't?" Would it be rude to throw tomatoes at a corpse?
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Erik : All the chuckle bunnies talk.
Chloe Decker : The what?
Erik : Chicks who like to have sex with comedians.
Lucifer Morningstar : There's a term for that? I should get a term. Devil bunnies. No. Lucifans.
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Lucifer Morningstar : It's not about the idea. It's about the execution. It's about how I use the wings.
Linda Martin : That's... actually... pretty wise.
Lucifer Morningstar : Yeah. So I'll just tuck them away and pretend they don't exist.
Linda Martin : ...Less good.
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Erik : I don't mind a fellow struggling comic busting balls. It's when a millionaire starts punching down that I get pissed. Or that good-looking jerk from the club.
Lucifer Morningstar : What? Who's he talking about?
Chloe Decker : Dan.
Lucifer Morningstar : Right. Are you sure?
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Sheila Vestal : Jokes don't make a comedian. Everyone has an itchy butt joke. It's all about what you do with it.
Lucifer Morningstar : What you do with your itchy butt?
Sheila Vestal : With the joke!
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Bobby Lowe : I want out of this hell. Every day I come to work, and I tell stupid jokes with puppets. *Puppets*!
Sheila Vestal : Bobby. What are you saying? This is a dream gig.
Bobby Lowe : It's a nightmare! You know what the biggest joke is?
Lucifer Morningstar : You?
Bobby Lowe : ...Me!
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Chloe Decker : So how do we draw him out?
Lucifer Morningstar : Easy. Arrest everyone in the club and pull their pants down. Tiniest weenie wins, for once.
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Linda Martin : You cut them off, didn't you?
Lucifer Morningstar : I did, yes. But then they grew back, so I cut them off again. It's like whack-a-mole back there.
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Lucifer Morningstar : [Interupting Dan's stand-up] Next you're going to say his willy's so small that when he wants to have sex he needs to call out a search party. Or that his Weiner is so small that his testicles look like they're giving the tiniest thumbs up.
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Bobby Lowe : We never used that puppet. It was my imaginary friend's imaginary friend. The character didn't land.
Lucifer Morningstar : I wonder why.
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Marcus Pierce : [about the Sinnerman] It's not a name to throw around. Not even at the precinct. That's why I came here to talk. He's that dangerous.
Lucifer Morningstar : So am I.
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Linda Martin : It's easy to let external factors... define us. Especially the traumatic ones. But only if we let them.
Lucifer Morningstar : [Sudden epiphany] We all have itchy butts.