Russell Peters: Doug D'Mello

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Man : [in interrogation room]  One more time, D'Mello. From the beginning.

  Doug D'Mello : [sighs]  Look, I apologize for calling your partner a dick stick. I mean, come on. It's not even a real word, "dick stick."I wasn't really calling him that. I was referring to a guy I went to high school with named Richard Stick. You know, it'd be the same if I called him Michael Hunt or Michael Hawk. Any of the Mikes. To be honest, I don't even know what a "Richard Stick" is. I mean a dick stick. Sorry. See? Even I went right back to Richard. It was reactionary. It wasn't like I really meant it. I don't even know the guy.

  Man : Focus! Let's get back to the story.

  Doug D'Mello : Look, I told you. My partner and I were staking out the border with our informant, Jerry Wax.

• Doug D'Mello : [narrating]  David Marlowe. More money than God's ex-wife.

• Doug D'Mello : [from the back seat]  Hey, is that a cow air freshener?

  Indian Cabbie : Yes. New leather smell, no? New car smell, no?

  Doug D'Mello : It smells like there was a cow in here earlier, and now there's not.

  Indian Cabbie : That is because there was a cow in here, and now it's not.

• Doug D'Mello : [narrating]  Look, I just got back from India. I found out I'm not Indian. I mean, in Canada, if you needed to identify me, I'd be Indian. But in India, 100 percent

  [Indian accent] 

  Doug D'Mello : "You are not Indian." I'm from the south of Canada. We're a little darker over there.

• Dattu : Chai?

  Doug D'Mello : Ah, no thank you. Coffee, please.

  Dattu : *Nothing* is better than coffee.

• Doug D'Mello : You speak English really well.

  Seema : Thank you. Your English is good too.

  Doug D'Mello : Thanks. I'm from Canada. It's what we speak there - and French. I'm not really good at either of them.

  [little girls giggling] 

• [last lines] 

  Priya Sehgal : Do detectives from Toronto always play such tricks with the law?

  Doug D'Mello : About that...

  Priya Sehgal : I know. You're not really a detective. I kind of figured when you started using words like "Detective-ing."

  Doug D'Mello : I'm a constable, but, in all fairness, we have a Detective Charles Ing back at the station. So Detective "Ing" is a real person.

  Priya Sehgal : I'll, uh... see you around?

  Doug D'Mello : Yes. You'll... see you around. Okay. Good... Good job partner.

  [gives her a high five] 

  Doug D'Mello : See you in there.

  [as she walks inside] 

  Doug D'Mello : I'm going to wait out here, so it doesn't seem awkward, we go in together. Lock down these streets. Make sure no bad guys get in.

  Doug D'Mello : [still standing in the street talking to himself now]  High five? You went for a high five. You friggin' idiot! High five?