Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Cool World (2017)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : Let's talk about Ralph Bakshi. From the '60s to the '80s, he was one of the few animation directors that insisted animation shouldn't just be for kids. In fact, some should be explicitly for adults. This resulted in him making films that often gained critical and even box office success. Most of the time, these movies were weird, political, raunchy, and usually in bad taste. Bakshi himself also gained a reputation as being weird, political, raunchy, and usually in bad taste, usually splitting people's opinion of it. Some say he's a genius, others say he's mad, I say he's a mad genius. Yes, the madness can overshadow the genius, but the genius can also overshadow the madness.

• [the Critic was going to review one of Bakshi's greatest films, "American Pop", in his memory, because he thought he was dead, but Bakshi himself comes in, very much alive, to annoy the Critic with his signature deranged animation] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, I kinda thought you weren't alive, meaning I could praise your genius without having to actually deal with you.

  Ralph Bakshi : Stop sucking my cock, Critic, and talk about something really interesting.

  Nostalgia Critic : Like what?

  Ralph Bakshi : Like the last feature film I ever mades...

  [sic] 

  Ralph Bakshi : ..."Cool World"!

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait a minute, I thought that was one of your biggest cinematic disasters. It was critically panned, bombed like crazy, and it didn't even really get a big cult following like your other films.

  Ralph Bakshi : Yeah, but Critic, it's important to understand your failures. Isn't that what that show is about? Through recognizing our mistakes and missteps, we can discover how not to fall into the same traps. It also helps us appreciate when we overcome these challenges, as well as give an idea of what the artist originally had in mind.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow. That's... actually kind of profound.

  Ralph Bakshi : Have I mentioned how many producers I've punched in the face lately?

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  Well, nevertheless, you have a good point.

  Ralph Bakshi : Yeah, more producers need to be beaten.

  Nostalgia Critic : NO!... Maybe. I'm talking about reviewing "Cool World", analyzing how it didn't work, why it didn't work, and how it wasn't necessarily a great director's fault.

  Ralph Bakshi : Hey, did you ever see the movie I made for kids that had swearing, gore and Nazi propaganda? It's a FAMILY picture!

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  Pray for me, guys. This is "Cool World".

  [the review begins] 

• [there are several animations in one scene of the movie that appear out of nowhere and disappear abruptly - twice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [to Ralph]  What's with the random bits of animation not tying into anything?

  Ralph Bakshi : Oh, well, we were gonna have all sorts of cool stuff, but then the s-s-studio got involved, and next thing you know, we didn't even have a script! So, with nothing to do, I was just like, "Hey, friends, uh, just draw some random shit and we'll just toss that on the screen somewhere."

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, but some of those animations aren't even finished. In fact, you actually played this animation twice in the same scene - literally drawing attention to the problem! Did you think showing it twice would somehow complete it?

  Ralph Bakshi : Hey, I wanted to show the s-s-studio what happens when you mess with an artist's vision!

  Nostalgia Critic : You have a bad movie with your name on it.

  Ralph Bakshi : And get paid for it.

  Nostalgia Critic : [brief pause]  I can't tell if you're my hero, or the worst kind of crazy.

  Ralph Bakshi : Can't it be both?

• [in the movie, Frank, played by Brad Pitt, has an accident on his motorcycle that kills his mother] 

  Announcer : Don't ride motorcycles. This PSA brought to you by Canadian Broadcasting.

  Nostalgia Critic : I knew it! They're so sneaky!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Dr. Whiskers zaps Frank into the Cool World]  Boy, if you started watching this movie with no idea what it's about, that would be totally out of left field, wouldn't it?

• [in the movie, Jack Deebs is teleported into the Cool World for the first time] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow, the alternate ending to "Shawshank Redemption" is much more classic Stephen King!

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Holli Would, a Doodle, as she is turned into a real human being, or Noid]  Oh, I suddenly want to make terrible career choices, like being in "Fifty Shades Darker".

• [in the movie, a drawing of the head of a translucent pit bull wearing glasses floats by] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ghost of Spuds MacKenzie does not approve?

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, Ralph, why are sometimes things animated and then other times they're in three dimensions? Like the car or the cardboard cutouts?

  Ralph Bakshi : Why does everybody call my characters that?

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean the actual cardboard cutouts.

  Ralph Bakshi : Oh. See, I wanted it to be like a live-action painting. You see, that's what I did for years and years: paint! And I wanted to transform the lights and shadows of my work into a more physical dimension. In fact, originally I was gonna call it "Background: The Movie".

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Gabriel Byrnes as Jack]  Okay, was this dude charged by the letter? Why are his lines so short? We can't even get to know this guy, because he has as much dialogue as Gromit! In fact, Gromit has more personality than this guy ever has, and he never says a word!

• [during a sex scene, there's an explosion] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa! No wonder you weren't supposed to fuck a doodle, apparently they explode! Blowjobs blow up!

• Nostalgia Critic : THIIIIIINGS!

• Cop : [seeing Ralph Bakshi fly away using Julie Taymor and Spike Lee as wings]  By God, that's the craziest, stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah. May it inspire us all.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing a woman appear beside Ralph Bakshi]  Where the hell did you come from? Follow-up question: who the hell are you?

  Julie Taymor : I'm Julie Taymor, director of countless Broadway hits and kind of good movies.

  Ralph Bakshi : She helped me escape!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, okay. So... What the fuck do you mean "escape"?

  Julie Taymor : Oh, escape. Don't you know? We were in the Institute for the Artistically Insane.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God, I've heard of that. That's where artists go when their ideas stop obeying logic and reason.

  Julie Taymor : I don't know why I was there. Having Bono do "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" killed!

  Nostalgia Critic : Literally. It literally killed.

  Julie Taymor : Hey, you can't make an omelet without breaking some heads, yo.

• Spike Lee : [appearing beside Ralph Bakshi and Julie Taymor]  You just don't get us, Critic.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, God, Spike Lee!

  Spike Lee : [about the Institute for the Artistically Insane]  Can you believe they put me in there, after I directed 65 projects and at least one-third of them was watchable?

  Ralph Bakshi : That's why I love you guys. You understand me! And the struggle! Which is real!

  Spike Lee : His work is about the oppression of blacks against whites, as told through an animated backdrop of color and no color. Right?

  Ralph Bakshi : Yeah! With boobies!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, at least nobody else escaped.

  Julie Taymor : Oh, well, there was that one guy who almost got away, but they caught him just in time.

  [at the Institute, M. Night Shymalan is being imprisoned] 

  Shyamalan : But I had two hit movies, back to back!

  Woody Allen : [revealed to be Shymalan's cellmate]  Don't worry about it. Just get yourself nominated for another Oscar, and they'll forget about all the horrible things you've done.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Jack stares as Holli does a very sexy dance; as Jack]  My God, I've created anime!

• Nostalgia Critic : [the movie starts]  So nothing says cool, risque and badass like 1945's Nevada. The Lindy Hop could not be contained!

• [in the film, it is revealed that Jack had been jailed because he murdered a guy in bed with his wife] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Our hero is apparently a murderer, who...

  [looks closely at Jack's new book, "Cool World and Beyond"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... judging by the picture on his book, was not in jail very long! And it's never referenced again, and we're supposed to just sympathize with him when he goes back to Cool World, which also has no explanation on how that's happening!

• [throughout the movie, Frank continuously orders Jack and Holli to each stay away from the other] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, that's like 90% of your dialog. You're totally on repeat. You're the mother-daughter scenes from "The Room"! We heard you once, the other 70 kajillion times aren't needed!

• [referring to the rear of a car that looks like a woman's buttocks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Jesus, even their cars are getting me hard.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, Ralph, they start off talking about this spike that's used to teleport people in between worlds. Yet it's never used again in any of these other teleportations. It just seems to happen whenever they want. And sometimes even when they don't want! How do you explain that?

  Ralph Bakshi : Oh, I don't know.

  Nostalgia Critic : [incredulously]  WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? I thought you wrote the script!

  Ralph Bakshi : Well, the original script, yeah. You see, I sold Paramount a hard "R" animated horror film mixed with live action, because that kind of genre had never been done before. But on the first day of shooting, I was given a completely different script that was written in secret by two other writers. So, literally from day one, I didn't know what I was doing, because the movie I wrote wasn't the movie I fucking wrote!

  Nostalgia Critic : Holy smokes, no wonder so much of this doesn't make any sense.

  Julie Taymor : It actually happens more than you know.

  Spike Lee : Yeah, producers change everything, and we get all the blame.

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  When will people learn that the vision of the artist is all you need to make something brilliant?