- Johnny Carson: You know it's a Friday night crowd when you see the whole audience get out of a Winnebago named Monkey Business.
- Johnny Carson: This is the last time I'm going to get a bandleader off the amnesty line at immigration.
- Johnny Carson: Well, at least we know where all the presidential candidates are this week - they're home with their wives!
- Paul Reiser: [on mailmen's uniforms] It's immature, to me, that grown men get to wear shorts because they're hot. You know, I'm sure cops get tired - they don't wear pajamas on the job.
- Paul Reiser: If you take a long trip with a bad radio in your car, an amazing thing happens - your taste in music will change. You - you start liking whatever you could pick up.
- Paul Reiser: One guy who's in great shape, and you go, "Well, now I guess we all gotta work out - look at this." 'Cause of one guy, does too many sit-ups - ruins it for everybody.