- The trio investigate the sportiness, utility and how good of a vehicle, three SUV's are. Clarkson also tests a Tesla Model X with a team of lawyers in the car. The guests of the show are Rory McIlroy and Paris Hilton.
- The trio head out to Canada to prove that small SUVs are useless - Clarkson attempts to prove their point with an Alfa Romeo Stelvio Quadrifoglio (The saloon it is based on is faster, cheaper and better to drive. 535 BHP. 443 torques. 0-60 3.9 secs. 177 mph), May chooses to showcase the uselessness of a Range Rover Velar P380 (slowest of the 3, least power, least torque and 8 gears), and Hammond attempts to demonstrate what can't be done with a Porsche Macan Turbo Performance Pack (434 BHP. 442 torques. Dual clutch gearbox).
Along the way, the trio test their choices out through lap times (on the area 27 racetrack designed by Jacque Villeneuve). They send a BMW M3 sport saloon around the track to test the "sportiness" of their SUV. BMW 2:26. Range Rover 3:02. Alfa 2:40. Porsche 2:46 Carrying Newfoundland dogs, which are huge is size. Dogs get in the boot, but the electric doors won't close as they sense the dogs head and won't close.
Race round a barrel course against a horse ridden by Maddie Kampf. Horse does 3 barrels in 22:69 secs. Alpha 45.44 (engine went into limp home mode), Porsche 48.7 (the engine got stuck and went into limp home mode), Range Rover 40.78 (couldn't find the exit gate in all the dust kicked up by the car)
The trio tows the boats up a mountain with their SUVs. But Clarkson switches his Alpha for a Ford F150 Pickup Truck, since you can't fit a tow-bar to a Stelvio. The task is to tow the boats across an off-road track using GPS navigation. Its proper off road driving, with a heavy load. Porsche and Range rover struggle a lot. Ford does well. Clarkson destroys the trailer and the boat & reaches only with his pickup truck. Hammond loses the motor of his boat & damages it heavily. May tries to take the boat itself across the lake to the finish line, but it floods and drowns.
Conversation street: 25% of all new cars sold in Britain these days are SUVs. Its because, people see a bigger car on the road and think that if they have an accident with it, they come off worse, so they get one too. It's like nuclear weapons. One gets it, then all want to get it. And there is no good way to load dogs into SUVs with an electronic tailgate, as it will never close. Vans have smart headlights that dip when they see lights coming in the opposite direction. But they also dip when they see reflected light from road signs. Which means, they dip when the car is about to encounter a hazard. Plus, when you exit a van, you have to do a little jump and sometimes the parka hood catches on the roof, and you can accidentally hang yourself. Viewers ask why the trio never review a Tesla. Clarkson reveals that many years ago he reviewed a Tesla roadster and they sued. They lost the lawsuit and the appeal, but Clarkson decided it was too stressful and decided never to review and Tesla again. But now Tesla is likely to be bigger than Volvo, a mainstream manufacturer.
Meanwhile, Clarkson reviews the new Tesla Model X at the Eboladrome and on the road. Winged doors, seating for 7. 2 boots, no engine. Has an autopilot. Has a summon mode (car drives short distances to your current location all by itself). Is heavy due to the battery pack. Beats a V10 600 BHP Audi R8 in a drag race, by running the car in a "ludicrous mode". Has a "celebration mode" for after you win races. 0-60 in 3.1 secs. 155 mph. When it comes to saying negative things about the car, Clarkson has a team of lawyers sit in the car with him. He questions the range of 351 miles between charges. Also questions the car's safety in a crash since Lithium-Iron batteries tend to catch fire in a crash and can't be put out by water. BP 156,000. 1:29.6 on the Eboladrome. same as a 5L Mustang.
Rory McIlroy (BMW Series 1 as first car, nearly drove it through the front door of his golf club. Bought a Ferrari at 19, insurance was BP 25K per year. Loves Ferraris. Owns F12, LaFerrari) competes against Paris Hilton (family owns 50 golf tracks. Owns a McLaren 650, and a Lexus LFA (the 2nd one they ever made), custom made Bentley (baby pink with crystals)) as the latest guests on "Celebrity Face Off". Title of World's fastest golfing enthusiast. Clarkson has always crashed a golf cart. Rory has his golf cart speed limited to 50 mph. Paris has a Rolls Royce and Bentley golf cart when she was little. Golfing slang include a "Jamie Oliver" you really want to smack it, but you can't. A "Richard Hammond" goes like a rocket on the straight, but then veers off suddenly at the end into the sandpit. "A Ryanair" OK in the air but landed miles from where you wanted to be. Rory 1:21.9, Paris 1:25.8
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