- Jerry Seinfeld: They say that 75% of your physical heat could be lost through the top of your head. Is that true? Doesn't it sound like you could go skiing naked if you've got a good hat?
- Johnny Carson: Baseball fans in California are a little more laid-back. Now, today at Dodger Stadium, there was a umpire who made a bad call, and was pelted with granola and bean sprouts.
- Johnny Carson: [reading question from woman in audience] "How would you like to come to my place for dinner tonight?" Now, you see, I mentioned before - I'm a happily married man... but I *will* bring dessert.
- Charles Grodin: If you wanted to check whether the impotence was based on - am I fired?
- Johnny Carson: No, no.
- Charles Grodin: I mean, if you wanted to check whether this - thing was based on physical or psychological reasons. What you do is you take - a couple of, uh - this is all medical stuff we're doing; and this is what the doctor said.
- Johnny Carson: Right.
- Charles Grodin: You take a couple of, uh - or however many you might need - postage stamps, when you go to sleep, and in the morning, when you wake up, if those postage stamps are...
- Johnny Carson: Cancelled?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [on looking for the right bowling ball] They've got some very strange hole patterns on some of these balls. I don't want to meet the people that can use some of these balls. This is a study in human deformities.
- Victoria Principal: [on becoming less hard-edged since becoming successful] I had, uh, tunnel vision - and I really and truly wanted it so badly that that was what occupied all my thoughts. And that's really not an altogether healthy way to live.