Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Johnny Carson : Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a white wine spritzer / They both lay down for half an hour; now, none of her dresses fits her.

• Johnny Carson : [on modern face masks]  Was this the day before they - you had the cage?

  Art Donovan : Well, you had a cage - now, you can't even get your fingers in there anymore.

• Johnny Carson : Did you hear the startling news today? And I think we knew this all along: Today, the New England Journal of Medicine came out and said that oat bran has no special cholesterol-lowering abilities. True! Everybody is shocked! Today, I saw Wilford Brimley...

  [audience chuckles] 

  Johnny Carson : pigging out on pork links at Tail O' the Pup.

  [audience laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : Nothing, has nothing to do with it. I'm not making it up. This has nothing to do with lowering your cholesterol. And Wilford Brimley did a commercial today, he was a little on the defensive, uh he said today, "All right, so it's NOT the right thing to do. But I got two ex-wives, and I need the gig." But I tell ya, if you have oat bran at home, do not throw it away. It makes an excellent grout for bathroom tile. Did you ever try oat bran? How many of you tried it? Be honest.

  [audience applauds/cheers] 

  Johnny Carson : You could put a shag rug in a blender, and it'd be more digestible than oat bran. It is, now what they say, I love this. They say, "It's still good to eat, oat bran, because it says, it exercises the colon." Big deal, so does a bowl of Styrofoam chips and milk.

  [some laughter] 

  Johnny Carson : [regarding the microphone]  Is this on, or does this go off? Did the sound go away for a little bit?

  Ed McMahon : Just a little bit.

  Johnny Carson : Or is it just me?

  Ed McMahon : It's not your fault.

  Johnny Carson : What?

  Ed McMahon : It's not your fault.

  Johnny Carson : Well I've had the...

  Ed McMahon : [interrupting]  Those are good jokes, I'm laughing like hell over here.