- Ben Cafferty: [on Selina's post face-lift bruised eyelids] Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.
- Kent Davison: No one should see you while your face is... marinating.
- Gary Walsh: Okay, she just had 10 years taken off her eyes.
- Selina Meyer: Yes.
- Ben Cafferty: Well, I don't think they left yet.
- Jeff Kane: This is just for one term here, Jonah. You're merely acting as a placeholder for Ezra.
- Jonah Ryan: Once I'm in, I'm in. I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.
- Jeff Kane: Listen to me, all right? I'm not asking you, I am telling you.
- Jonah Ryan: Yeah, but it's not my fault if Cousin Lezra ends up eating my nut dust and becoming the goofy Paul Simon to my angelic-voiced Art Garfunkel.
- Jeff Kane: Can I talk to you down here just a minute?
- Jonah Ryan: [leaning forward] Yeah.
- Jeff Kane: Now listen to me, you walking trisomy. I could get dog shit in a condom elected in New Hampshire. You are my puppet. I'd let you dance. And when I stuff you back in the toy box to let Ezra lead, you will be grateful I ever let your wooden painted face take the stage. Now, do you or do you not understand me?
- Jonah Ryan: Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
- Selina Meyer: [talking about a Congressman she's about to call] Is he the one with the prostitute problem? Oh, never mind. They all have that. House is like Caligula's room.
- Jonah Ryan: Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do.
- Richard Splett: Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that.
- Jonah Ryan: Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick.
- Richard Splett: Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.
- Selina Meyer: Maybe I can pardon a car with a defective airbag
- [snaps fingers]
- Selina Meyer: and we can wrap up Michigan.
- Kent Davison: Michigan is actually the largest producer of battery acid.
- Ben Cafferty: Can somebody reach around the back of Kent's head and power him down?
- Kent Davison: The number of people taken ill is orders of magnitude below statistical significance. Do people not understand basic nonparametric statistics?
- Ben Cafferty: Or how to cook a fucking turkey.
- Jonah Ryan: Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen. The Jonah Ryan Story, chapter five: "The House Kneels Before the Fucking J-man." I'm running for Congress!
- Tom James: I don't know why he keeps calling me. His comprehension of the word no hovers somewhere around drunk college quarterback level.
- Bill Jaeger: Ma'am, have you considered making a statement? If I have learned one thing about crisis management, it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people. If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything.
- Selina Meyer: Bordello Bill is giving me advice.
- Selina Meyer: It's this election has just been brutal on me. My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.
- Gary Walsh: Oh, please. He wishes.
- Jeff Kane: You don't give me names, Beardo. I give you names. So take your list, roll it up real tiny, attach it to the leg of a carrier pigeon, and have it fly up tubby's dick.