- Rick Sanchez: I'm Doctor Who in this mother fucker! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your mother!
- The President: I'm going to kill you!
- Rick Sanchez: Then come to Olive Street!
- The President: Is that her address?
- Rick Sanchez: You don't know because you're a bad son!
- [Rick & Morty arrive at the White House via portal. Rick is still holding his martini he was drinking at home]
- Morty Smith: [greeting the president and shaking his hand] Mr. President.
- The President: It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?
- Rick Sanchez: Yes.
- The President: You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.
- Rick Sanchez: That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
- Morty Smith: Uh, I don't need a selfie.
- The President: And I'm saying you aren't getting one, and you aren't leaving
- Rick Sanchez: So we agree?
- The President: Yes. No! We disagree. Because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
- Rick Sanchez: Am I getting a selfie?
- The President: Never!
- Rick Sanchez: Then I'm never leaving.
- The President: Exactly.
- Rick Sanchez: See?
- Morty Smith: You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you were sitting on your ass at peace summits.
- The President: Peace summits are important!
- Morty Smith: Oh yeah! They work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!
- The President: Okay, what was that?
- Rick Sanchez: Death.
- The President: What kind?
- Rick Sanchez: Instant.
- The President: There was no sound! He just died!
- Rick Sanchez: Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.
- Secret Service Agent: You couldn't just knock him out?
- Rick Sanchez: How is 'knocking out' a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.
- [Beth calls Rick in a knockoff "Star Wars" cantina]
- Rick Sanchez: I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
- Beth Smith: Oh, when can you?
- Rick Sanchez: Good point.
- [burps]
- Rick Sanchez: What's up?
- Beth Smith: Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?
- Rick Sanchez: Mm-hmm.
- Beth Smith: Am I the clone?
- Rick Sanchez: Sorry. What?
- Beth Smith: Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
- Rick Sanchez: [noncommittal] No.
- Beth Smith: Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
- Rick Sanchez: [sighs] Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
- Beth Smith: Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
- Rick Sanchez: All good?
- Beth Smith: Totally. I'm fine now.
- Rick Sanchez: And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
- Beth Smith: [noncommittal] No.
- Rick Sanchez: Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
- [Rick hangs up]
- Beth Smith: [breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!
- [a portal opens in the Oval Office and Rick Sanchez steps through in fly-fishing gear]
- Rick Sanchez: Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm "Fly-fishing Rick". You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends?
- The President: [cautiously] Sounds good to me.
- Rhonda: Rick and Morty escaped.
- The President: [the President is rapidly growing back to his normal size; his voice increasing from high-pitched to normal] No shit! Take me to the Pentagon. We're at war with Rick and Morty.
- Rhonda: You'll want to make a stop at the White House.
- The President: I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract.
- Rhonda: I mean, you need to call a press conference.
- Male White House Aide: Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.
- The President: What?
- Male White House Aide: They signed something called. "The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord. Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat took them to a "Star Wars" cantina, where they smoked perspective-enhancing alien pheromones through a laser hookah. I still say it has to be Putin.
- The President: It was Rick and Morty, you fucking dunce!
- The President: Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink!
- Rick Sanchez: Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.
- The President: [snatches pill away] GODDAMN IT, I'LL DO IT!
- [the President takes the pill and then his body begins shrinking]
- The President: [voice rising in pitch as he shrinks] Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?
- Morty Smith: Painful to watch.
- Rick Sanchez: Oh, such lame shrinking.
- Morty Smith: Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one!
- The President: [now miniscule] EAT MY SHRINKING ASS!