- Dr. Wong: Rick, the only connection between your unquestionable intelligence and the sickness destroying your family is that everyone in your family, you included, use intelligence to justify sickness. You seem to alternate between viewing your own mind as an unstoppable force and as an inescapable curse, and I think it's because the only truly unapproachable concept for you is that it's your mind, within your control. You chose to come here, you chose to talk, to belittle my vocation, just as you chose to become a pickle. You are the master of your universe and yet you are dripping with rat blood and feces, your enormous mind literally vegetating by your own hand. I have no doubt that you would be bored senseless by therapy, the same way I'm bored when I brush my teeth and wipe my ass, because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is; it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work, and the bottom line is some people are okay going to work, and some people, well, some people would rather die. Each of us gets to choose.
- [beep beep]
- Dr. Wong: That's our time. I'm going to give you guys my card and hope to hear from you again, and if you have any friends or family that eat poop and would like to stop give them my number.
- Rick Sanchez: Come on, flip the pickle, Morty, you're not gonna regret it. The payoff is huge. I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! Boom! Big reveal! I'm a pickle! What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle! W-w-what are you just staring at me for, bro, I turned myself into a pickle, Morty.
- Morty Smith: And?
- Rick Sanchez: And? What more do you want tacked on to this? I turned myself into a pickle and 9/11 was an inside job?
- Morty Smith: Was it?
- Rick Sanchez: Who cares, Morty? Global acts of terrorism happen every day. Uh, here's something that's never happened before... I'M A PICKLE! I'm pickle Riiiiiick!
- Rick Sanchez: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create, and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world, I change it. And I don't think going to a rented office in a strip mall and listening to some "agent of averageness" explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I think it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat, but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow. I'm a pickle... when I feel like it.
- Morty Smith: Are you going to, I mean, you know, is this the first part of some magic trick?
- Rick Sanchez: I don't do magic, Morty, I do science. One takes brains, the other takes dark eye liner.
- Morty Smith: I-I'm just trying to figure out why you would do this. Why anyone would do this.
- Rick Sanchez: The reason anyone would do this is, if they could, which they can't, would be because they could, which they can't.
- Morty Smith: Rick, did you do this on purpose to get out of family counseling?
- Beth Smith: Morty!
- Rick Sanchez: It's okay, Beth. I understand Morty's suspicion. I've misled him before. Morty, turn me so we're making eye contact.
- [Morty turns Pickle Rick's face so that it is facing him]
- Rick Sanchez: Morty, I assure you, I would never "find a way" to "get out of" family therapy. I hope my lack of fingers doesn't prevent the perception of my air quotes.
- Rick Sanchez: [to rat, during a fight] By the way, you might notice that in spite of your numerous distinctive features, I never gave you a name like Scar, or Stripe, or Goliath. That's because to me you aren't special. You were special to rats, and now they're dead. I guess it was me you should have impressed. God dammit, I love myself!
- Beth Smith: Okay, it's fine. I mean, you should just stay here and figure out how to stop being a pickle, okay?
- Morty Smith: Hey, Rick, why is there a syringe of mysterious fluid hanging directly over you? Also, why is the string attached to it running through a pair of scissors attached to a timer? And why is the time set to 10 minutes from now, exactly when we would have left for therapy?
- Rick Sanchez: [Long pause] Well, Morty, if you know must know, the syringe is completely unrelated to this discussion, and, therefore, it does not warrant further explanation.
- Jaguar: I never bullshit pickle man. This can only end with one of us dead, and I have never died!
- Rick Sanchez: That will be your downfall Jaguar: not being open to new experiences!
- Dr. Wong: Why didn't you want to come here?
- Rick: Because I don't respect therapy. Because I'm a scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the world I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an agent of averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...
- Beth Smith: He doesn't need anything from anyone.
- Dr. Wong: You admire him for that.
- Beth Smith: It's better than making your problems other people's problems.