- Johnny Gomez: Witness the queen-sized carnage, as daytime talk-show behemoths collide. Feel the noise as two rock-star brothers bash each other's brains in. And, fasten your seat-belts as the world's two biggest action heroes decide who is más macho. Tonight, on Celebrity Deathmatch!
- Mills Lane: Okay, I've explained the rules to you both, several times. I expect a tough, clean fight. Obey my command at all times. Any questions?
- Oprah Winfrey: I have one, Mr. Lane. Whose butt does Rosie kiss more? Tom Cruise, or Barbra Streisand?
- Rosie O'Donnell: I've got another one, which is more pathetic? Oprah's show, or her stupid weight obsession?
- Oprah Winfrey: How about this one, Mr. Lane. Who would you rather have sex with? Rosie, or Free Willy?
- Mills Lane: Uh... uh, let's get it on!
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: [about Liam and Noel Gallagher] Well it's your classic Cain and Abel match-up, Nick. Two maniacs who've been punchin' each other's lights out since the womb. And let me tell you sometinhg, they might look like two scrawny Nancy-boys, but you give them a few pints of lager and they can do some property damage.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: It's Rambo vs. the Terminator, Rocky vs. the Predator, uh... Kindergarten Cop vs. the Guy from "Stop or my Mom will shoot". It should be a bloodbath to remember.
- Liam Gallagher: Sod off you wanker before I kick you back to Manchester!
- Noel Gallagher: I'd like to see you try, you cheesy little poof.
- Nick Diamond: Johnny, you gotta wonder what their mother fed those boys growing up.
- Johnny Gomez: Mostly beer is my guess.
- Oprah Winfrey: Today we'll be discussing a topic that is very close to my heart: talk show wannabes and the women who kick their fat asses.
- Rosie O'Donnell: I just want to say that I'm actually a huge fan of Oprah's. I have followed her career closely, I keep a scrapbook of all her accomplishments. That's why its gonna be a special honor for me to snap her thick turkey neck.
- Nick Diamond: Uh oh, Oprah's got a foreign object!
- Johnny Gomez: It looks like the new Toni Morrison book.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin: [Oprah clobbers Rosie with the book] Talk about your heavy reading.
- Johnny Gomez: That's gotta leave a bookmark.
- Oprah Winfrey: Come on Rosie, how about a nice delicious King Ding?
- Rosie O'Donnell: King Dings! Ooooh, gimme, gimme the King Dings!
- [runs face first into the turnbuckle]
- Liam Gallagher: Oy! All you stupid yanks can kiss me perfumed arse, but don't forget to buy our records.
- Mills Lane: OK Gallagher brothers, try to follow what I'm saying. I want a good clean fight, and if you have to be sick, don't do it in my ring.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger: let be known that stalone has shown his true colors tonight and those colors are yellow its over.