- Kelly's Father: I'm actually a hunter and I've never seen a deer explode.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, maybe you're not hunting the right deer.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: [Kelly's mother turns into a Deadite] Oh, good. I was startin' to feel like a real dick.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Look, Ash, I think you're really being paranoid about this. If Kelly's mom is one of "them", why wouldn't she have killed her before we got here?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's tryin' to reel in the bigger fish. Don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it. No, you use it as a bait fish, to catch the whale. I'm the whale, Pablo.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, I got that.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: And Kelly...
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: She's the bait.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, that's right. Unfortunately for Mom, this whale swam in there with a big ol' shotgun. She was waiting for me to drop my guard. That's why she's inviting us to dinner.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Well, for the record, I think she's a real mom, this is my chance to impress Kelly's parents. So, can you just do me a solid, please? And just, be polite in there.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Oh, I'll be polite. Right up until I'm rude.
- Kelly Maxwell: [after Ash puts a pair of crosses on her parents' graves] You know they were Jewish, right?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I did not. I wish you had told me that before I made those dumb crosses.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo, focus up. Just stay behind me, let the boomstick do the talking. Things get hairy, you use your bottle.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Um, I don't think it's a very good weapon, Jefe. You had to stab Roper, like, fifty times.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Hey, I was sharpening it for you.
- Kelly Maxwell: Mom, Dad, this is my friend Pablo. He got me the job at Value Stop. And this is Ash, a person I never thought would be in my home.
- Ash: Hi. You used to be dead, right?
- [Ash bursts through the door brandishing a gun and chainsaw]
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You left dinner before daddy excused you.
- Suzy Maxwell: Now the three of you will perish together. Evil will walk the Earth!
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, well, your cooking was shit.
- [Ash and Pablo ride down the road, both soaked in blood]
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Is this what it's like to be you?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yep, pretty much. Never killed my boss before, so that was new.
- Amanda Fisher: It's very possible this is connected to the killings from the other night. Do you know who lived there?
- Phil: Don't know his name but he was always a real asshole to me and my wife... and our kids and pretty much everyone else around.
- Suzy Maxwell: Why are you covered in blood?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Um, we hit a deer on the way up here. And when I tried to pull it out of the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so we had to cut it up with my chainsaw, arm.
- Suzy Maxwell: You know you could, uh, take off your gun, put it over there with your chainsaw-limb.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Suzy Maxwell: Uh, yeah. I would rather not to have a gun at dinner.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, we can agree to disagree.
- Kelly Maxwell: Pablo, believe it or not, the rude, middle-aged man you brought is kind of ruinin' my mom time.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: So look, uh, I'm not a grief counselor, but if it's any consolation, I have had to kill and bury loved ones before. A bunch of times, actually.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Ash, I know you said that when I got hit I'd know what to do, but I just got hit and I don't know what to do!
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Oh man, something seems very wrong here.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: It always does.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Okay, here's the plan: We bust in there, we fight through the carnage, we bail with the book.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Okay, yeah. Oh God, what if Kelly's mom gave Kelly the evil force and then you have to cut off Kelly's head...
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Pablo! Focus up.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: When it comes to evil, if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: If Kelly's mom is one of them, why wouldn't she have killed her *before* we got here?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Because she's trying to reel in the bigger fish, don't you get it? If you snag a little fish, you're not gonna eat it, no. You use it as a bait fish to catch the whale.
- [awkward pause]
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm the whale, Pablo.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Yeah, I got that.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You don't believe mom's horseshit story, do ya? She's a deadite! And I think dad is too.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Her mom, she doesn't even have the crazy white eyes. I noticed they're brown and lovely like her daughter's.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Yeah, I remember when I was like you. Young, dumb, full of... conflicting emotions.
- Pablo Simon Bolivar: Ash, I'm not sorry that I took your book to get you to come up here.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: I'm not either. Sometimes a whale needs his bait fish to remind him of where he is in the ocean... Or something like that. Anyway, thanks, buddy.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: You're kinda like a young me. Deadites ruined your life and you're hot as hell.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Look, I get that you wanna save your dad, but I'm trying to save all the dads everywhere. And the mommies and the babies.
- Phil: Sometimes he'd bring whores back to his trailer.
- June: Last one he brought back, some girl with a skanky wrist-tattoo, I heard 'em chanting some weird voodoo stuff from inside that crappy trailer.
- Amanda Fisher: Wait, you said wrist tattoo?
- June: I'm pretty sure that's not the only place she had one.
- Suzy Maxwell: Why are you covered in blood?
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Um, we hit a deer on the way up here. And when I tried to pull it out of the grill of my car, the sucker just exploded all over us, so we had to cut it up with my chainsaw, arm.
- Kelly's Father: I'm actually a hunter and I've never seen a deer explode.
- Ashley 'Ash' J. Williams: Well, maybe you're not hunting the right deer.