- Christian Slater: I'm telling ya, I'm not Charlie Harper.
- Lieutenant Wagner: Who are you?
- Christian Slater: My name is Christian Slater. I'm an actor, alright. I was in a bar, this guy hands me a drink. Next thing I know, I wake up in a hotel room dressed like a twelve year old, with a screaming woman in the closet.
- Lieutenant Wagner: Yeah right. And I'm the governor of California.
- [as Charlie approaches the door, a piano falls on top of him]
- Chuck Lorre: [final line of the series] Winning.
- [a second piano falls on top of Chuck Lorre]
- Berta: Looks like somebody's having a piano delivered by helicopter.
- Alan Harper: That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. Oh, and he had a baby grand just like that.
- [last lines]
- Walden Schmidt: It's headed right this way... You don't think it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy do you?
- Berta: [same time as Alan] Nah!
- Alan Harper: [same time as Berta] Nah!