Scream Queens (TV Series)

Black Friday (2015)

Emma Roberts: Chanel Oberlin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Chanel Oberlin : When you agree with me, it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

• [Chad Radwell is admitted into the E.R. with a Lego figure in his rectum] 

  Chanel #3 : The nurse said he told her he usually does his nightly nude yoga before he sets a perimeter of Lego characters to guard his bed while he sleeps, but this time he decided to do it after and accidentally sat on Lego Captain Jack Sparrow.

  Chanel Oberlin : That's the weirdest explanation for anything I've ever heard.

• Chanel Oberlin : Black Friday is about buying deliberately cheap, totally forgettable Christmas gifts for friends. The obvious cheapness of the gift makes them question our friendship and makes them way easier to manipulate as they try desperately to get back on my good side.

• Chanel Oberlin : Dean Munsch has been orchestrating every one of these attacks. Melanie Dorkus, Deaf Taylor Swift...

  Hester Ulrich : That other security guard.

  Chanel Oberlin : Predatory Lez.

  Chanel #5 : Roger and Dodger.

  Chanel Oberlin : Chad's irritating armless friend, candle vlogger, black British guy...

  Grace Gardner : Gigi.

  Chanel #3 : Coney, that ice cream cone.

  Chanel Oberlin : White trash Mandy Greenwell, Miss Bean...

  Zayday Williams : Hold on, you killed Ms. Bean.

  Chanel Oberlin : I didn't turn on the deep-fryer, bitch!

• Chanel Oberlin : Gotta run or we'll be late for the midnight hippo stampede at Walmart.

• Chanel Oberlin : Now if you'll excuse us, we're going to the mall to exercise our patriotic right to join hundreds of thousands of our fellow out-of-breath Americans in sweatpants as they make frenzied, ill thought-out purchases of cheap, crappy garbage they can't afford and don't need. To deny us of that right would be unAmerican.

• Chanel Oberlin : Should I get Number Five a pair of 99¢ brass studs that'll turn her earlobes green and give her an infection or a pair of $1.99 danglies that'll get caught in her sweater and tear her earholes?

• Chanel #5 : I saw this documentary once about this high schooler who could grow all this really thick hair all over his body if he concentrated really, really hard on it, and maybe Dean Munsch can do that too. I mean, this kid was, like, amazing! Like, he won this high school basketball championship single-handed...

  Chanel Oberlin : You're thinking of the movie Teen Wolf, you brainless gash, which is not, in fact, a documentary!

• Chanel Oberlin : Try not to murder anyone else while we're gone, Dean Carpet Munsch.

• Chanel Oberlin : [to Dean Munsch]  Let me say how honored we are that you've invited us into your hideously furnished home.

• Chanel Oberlin : So clearly it's impossible to poison Dean Munsch because she has some weird buzzard gullet that can safely digest anything! We need to think of new ways to kill her!

  Grace Gardner : No. I'm not doing this.

  Chanel Oberlin : What? Two hours ago, you were like, "Let's poison the bitch!"

  Grace Gardner : Well, I had a change of heart. Look, I still think she's most likely the killer but all the evidence against her is circumstantial. We still don't have a smoking gun and if we decide to kill her without an overabundance of proof, we are no better than the Red Devil... who, yes, is probably Dean Munsch.

• Hester Ulrich : Since we spent so much time and money picking out the perfect Chanel classic flap jumper crocodile purse for you...

  Chanel Oberlin : Whoa, whoa, whoa! You dumb bitches got me - Chanel - a Chanel classic flap crocodile purse? That is bizarre! I mean, that's like bringing pineapples to Hawaii.

• Chanel Oberlin : I'm buying us all matching pink jeeps!

  Chanel #5 : Wait, what?

  Chanel Oberlin : Yes, it's gonna be so fun! We can take our matching pink jeeps on, like, an African safari or something.

  Hester Ulrich : How do we know that they're gonna have four identical pink jeeps?

  Chanel #5 : Yeah, and how are we gonna get the jeeps to Africa? I mean, are we gonna ship them or are we gonna take a ferry?

  Chanel Oberlin : I don't know, #5, okay? Stop poking holes in the pink jeep idea, please, and just accept the fact that I'm buying you all pink jeeps!

• Chanel Oberlin : [as the Red Devil pulls back on the crossbow]  Oh, go on and shoot me, hag! It'll just make me young and skinny forever, and you'll still be old!

• Chanel Oberlin : At this point, who cares if the police show up?

  Chanel #5 : Chanel's right. All they're gonna do is look at Gigi's severed, roasted head and say that they have no proof that it is in any way related to the killings at campus.