- Hester Ulrich: I was rooting through Zayday's drawers and look what I found. Zayday is on the pill.
- Chanel Oberlin: That's not a clue.
- Hester Ulrich: But guess who else is on the pill? Grace. And if you look closely here, you can see that their cycles are synced. And you know what else is synced? Their thirst for murder! I mean, you know what they say: Those who pill together kill together.
- Chanel Oberlin: No one in all of human history has ever said that.
- Chanel #5: I know for a fact that Zayday is the murderer and she's planning on killing again. If you rearrange the letters in Zayday Williams' name, you get "I may slay Liz Daw!"
- Chanel Oberlin: What? Who is Liz Daw?
- Chanel #5: I don't know, but clearly Zayday is contemplating slaying her!
- Chanel #5: Why are you wearing my clothes?
- Denise Hemphill: I think the bigger question is: why are you the same size as a 40-year-old woman?
- Denise Hemphill: I'm saying Denise Hemphill ain't gonna spend another night sleeping in a Secure Enforcement Solutions Patrol Car, giving herself a whore's bath every morning with a handful of Wet-Naps when there's a perfectly good bedroom upstairs that nobody is using just 'cause some dumb ho got murdered in it.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Let me lay out a hypothetical for you. In this state, there is no statute of limitations for homicide. Now, hypothetically, if I was at Kappa that night, and I did, hypothetically, cover up this hypothetical negligent homicide, I would, hypothetically, not be responsible for that girl's death. But I would hypothetically *undoubtedly* be an accessory after the fact. So when these murders started up, even if I hypothetically thought they were related to the events of 20 years ago, I couldn't, hypothetically, start offering up information to the... hypothetical police, or anyone else, for that matter, because I risk, hypothetically, implicating myself. Hypothetically, of course.
- Chanel Oberlin: You have to prove that Zayday and that pencil-necked Grace are the killers, and do it fast!
- Detective Chiselhurst: You do realize we're detectives from Scotland Yard?
- Chanel Oberlin: Um, yeah! Duh!
- Detective Baxter: Therefore we have no jurisdiction in the United States.
- Chanel #5: Chanel, she's wearing my clothes! She's wearing my underwear!
- Chanel Oberlin: Oh shut up, #5. Your underwear is probably relieved to be touching actual human genitals.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: This school could survive a few serial killings, but I really don't think that this university could handle losing me. Neither can I, frankly.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Do you know why I never went into therapy? Because the less we know about ourselves, the better. Rummaging around in your life, it's like digging through a landfill. Sure, you may happen upon something interesting, but you're gonna get filthy.
- Denise Hemphill: I am frying up some mozzarella sticks. They are delicious and nutritious!
- Chanel #3: You know a woman's face got fried off in that, right?
- Denise Hemphill: Wait, hold on, nobody changed the oil?
- Chanel #3: I doubt it. We don't really "eat" around here. I question why this house even has a kitchen.
- Chanel Oberlin: [to her clueless minions] I guess it's like Daddy always says: "If you want something done right, pay someone a lot of money to do it for you." Now, why don't you all strap on some oat-bags and go poop huge green turds in the street like the sad old mares you are?
- Zayday Williams: As for you, Miss Hemphill, I'm gettin' real tired of your nonsense. You make me wish I was a serial killer just so I could knock off your black ass next.
- Detective Chiselhurst: Miss Oberlin, you have to understand the only reason we're here is because we were told you had information regarding a death threat against the Duchess of Cambridge.
- Chanel Oberlin: First of all, I'm an American. I don't have to understand anything. And furthermore, I do have information regarding a death threat against the Duchess of Cambridge. If you don't prove that Zayday and Grace are the killers, I'm gonna kill the Duchess myself!
- Gigi Caldwell: So you're accusing me of being a murderer or an accessory to murder because I lied on my résumé, and twenty years ago, a crazy person painted a picture of a girl who sort of looks like me. Pretty flimsy.
- Detective Baxter: #5 is a frequent visitor to what we call the Deep Web, where she hosts several active chatrooms with names such as "Does Anyone Want to Help Me Poison Chanel Oberlin?"
- Chanel Oberlin: What am I supposed to do, apologize?
- Denise Hemphill: That's exactly what I want you to do.
- Chanel Oberlin: Over my rich, hot, dead body.
- Denise Hemphill: Chanel, you will say you are sorry to Grace and start changin' the way you treatin' the ladies at Kappa House or Mama Denise *will* take your man!
- Denise Hemphill: You can't go around insultin' somebody's mama. Even if she was the worst bitch in the world, you can't go around sayin' it to everybody!
- Chanel Oberlin: But her mother was the worst bitch in the world.
- Denise Hemphill: I don't know what brand of G-string it is you use, but I feel like angels are flossin' my butt crack! So thank you!
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Do you know what I find the most appalling thing about you? You act like you are this benevolent champion of justice, when really at the end of the day, this is just about you finding out who your mommy is.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: My mother used to say that smugness gives you wrinkles.
- Grace Gardner: Oh, was I being smug? Sorry, I thought I was just being right.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: You scheduled this meeting. That means you talk first and I do my best to try to pretend to listen.
- Grace Gardner: You told me if I helped you get out of that asylum, you'd tell me what happened to the baby in the bathtub.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Did I? Really? Wow! I have no memory of that. I mean, look, I was probably high on klonopin at the time, so you can't really hold me to anything I might have said.
- Jennifer: Crap, I'm gonna kill that dumb bitch!
- Denise Hemphill: Whoa, what dumb bitch you gonna kill?
- Jennifer: The girl at Candle Junction who evidently doesn't understand the concept of a 22 for the price of 20 sale. So I'm like, well, now my year is ruined.
- Chanel Oberlin: Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my boyfriend, Chad Radwell. Tonight's our "Night of 1000 Compliments" night.
- Chanel #3: What does that mean?
- Chanel Oberlin: We sit across from one another fully clothed and he compliments me a thousand times.
- [Chad attempts to compliment Chanel a thousand times]
- Chad Radwell: You got a hot mouth.
- Chanel Oberlin: Thank you.
- Chad Radwell: That mouth would look even better if it was kissin' all over my ripplin' pecks and my rock-hard abs.
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, Chad, that's you complimenting yourself.
- Chad Radwell: That outfit? Amazing!
- Chanel Oberlin: Thank you!
- Chad Radwell: That outfit, it would look even better just rolled up in a little ball in the corner of my bedroom.
- Chanel Oberlin: Okay, Chad, that's not a compliment.
- Chad Radwell: That outfit looks super-absorbent, enough to wipe down this hot bod after an hour-long bone sess.
- Chanel Oberlin: These aren't compliments, Chad!
- Chad Radwell: Look, I'm trying!
- Grace Gardner: Dear, strange, odd, candle-loving Jennifer needs to be the final victim! The madness needs to end!
- Chanel Oberlin: This is an outrage! My whole life is ruined! Kappa House is officially done, which means we can't throw anymore awesome parties were people almost die or actually die, which means I can't be popular and Chad is going to leave me!
- Gigi Caldwell: I was just about to cook us up my mother's famous falafel enchiladas. It's an old family recipe which fits perfectly with the sort of vague, enigmatic quality of my skin tone.
- Gigi Caldwell: Honey, have you been smoking ayahuasca? Because pass the dutchie on the left-hand side, sister. I want some of whatever it is you're smoking!
- Grace Gardner: Dad, you can't marry Gigi.
- Wes Gardner: Honey, who said anything about marriage? She was so excited about the engagement. I didn't want to bum her out, so I figured if I played along with it... you know, it would lead to some mind-blowing sex, which I was totally right about!
- Grace Gardner: Dad! Oh my god, please stop! Just believe me when I tell you that Gigi is crazy!
- Boone Clemens: Listen, Gigi's gotta go. Okay? She's the weak link. We've gotta get rid of her now. We take her out, and then we finish what we set out to do.
- Chanel Oberlin: I'm a work in progress, okay? Maybe I have to get all this bitch out me before I can be the real me.
- Grace Gardner: So our house never burned down?
- Wes Gardner: No, that was true. I burned it down to cover up any evidence you might find. Gracie, don't you see now, how important you are to me? I committed arson! For you. To protect you. And don't you see now, huh, why I didn't want you to join that sorority? You are the best of both me and your mom and that place was the worst of her.
- Grace Gardner: You can't protect me from who I really am. I am my mother's daughter, Dad.
- Wes Gardner: What does that mean?
- Grace Gardner: It means I would stay far away from me if you want to protect yourself.
- Chanel Oberlin: Your mother changed her name from Bethany Stevens to Mary Mulligan in a feeble attempt to put the sins of her youth behind her. But I guess popping you out drove her off the deep end, because that's where her criminal record gets really interesting. She was arrested for shoplifting, petty larceny, grand larceny, drunk driving with a baby in her lap, drunk driving with a baby on top of her car, and possession of methamphetamine with intention to distribute. Obviously appalled, your douchebag father sued for custody and won. Your saint of a mother died a year later. She was driving drunk, obviously, and decided to wrap her car around a tree.
- Grace Gardner: That's a lie. My dad said that she died in a fire.
- Chanel Oberlin: Fiery car crash. He probably wanted to spare you the pain of finding out who your skank mom really was.
- Chanel Oberlin: Maybe the reason we came into each other's lives is to help us deal with our mom stuff. You by pretending to be nice and innocent so I can see what I bitch I am, and me by telling you about your real mom and how heroically awful she was.