Archer (TV Series)

The Holdout (2015)

H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kintaru Sato : Is that... medicine?

  Sterling Archer : [mouth full]  Painkillers. Mixed with candy.

  [swallows] 

  Sterling Archer : I call 'em "Mike and Vikes".

• [Archer is walking in an island jungle] 

  Sterling Archer : Agh, son of a...

  [Archer slaps the back of his neck] 

  Sterling Archer : God, is one last non-malarial hurrah before I go home too much to ask? Agh.

  [Archer slaps the back of his neck again] 

  Sterling Archer : Thanks, jungle. Eat a buffet of dicks.

• Kintaru Sato : How can I relax when we are at war?

  Sterling Archer : We're not! Here.

  [Archer taps his phone, shows it to him] 

  Sterling Archer : Shut up. Look. Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri.

  [swipe] 

  Sterling Archer : Here's all the VJ Day parades in America. Here's

  [swipe] 

  Sterling Archer : The Bad News Bears Go to Japan. That's Lupus and Tanner. Oh, and

  [swipe] 

  Sterling Archer : here's a link to an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man about this exact thing we're doing right now!

  Kintaru Sato : The "six million" who?

  Sterling Archer : [sighs]  God, we've got so much to catch up on. Okay, so there's this guy, Steve Austin, and he was an astronaut, but- damn. Wait. Okay, So, an astronaut...

  Kintaru Sato : [takes the phone]  What is this thing? This device?

  Sterling Archer : It's a telephone, kinda, that talks to outer space, and also a- shit!

  Kintaru Sato : What?

  Sterling Archer : [takes phone back]  I'm supposed to go find a computer.

  Kintaru Sato : [chuckles]  Here? There are no building in the jungle big enough to hold a computer!

  Sterling Archer : No, they're really smal now. I think you guys actually did that.

• Kintaru Sato : Shit. Come. We must go now.

  Sterling Archer : Not yet. I gotta blow this thing.

  Kintaru Sato : [guerillas approaching]  Then blow it, and then come!

  Sterling Archer : [sighs]  I mean, really? It's like why even...

• Sterling Archer : America is not your enemy! Japan has no enemies! You're like...

  [pauses, laughs] 

  Sterling Archer : I want to say, "a platypus," but... I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.

• [first lines] 

  [Open on a close-up of a cobra apparently ready to strike. Pull back to find it is dead inside a full bottle of whiskey. Archer is awakened nearby by a phone ringing and suffering from a hangover. Archer groans, groans again, and coughs. He has a recent ear piercing in his right ear that looks infected] 

  Sterling Archer : [takes the call and puts phone to ear]  Ow. Khao lard gaeng. Sawat dee?

  Malory Archer : Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I...

  Sterling Archer : [exclaiming]  Mother?

  Malory Archer : Well, I'm not falling for it again.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, for- Mother, it's me, Sterling.

  Malory Archer : Then what is the square root of nine?

  Sterling Archer : Uh... negative nine?

  Malory Archer : [gasps]  Sterling?

  Sterling Archer : Ha! Elaborate...

  Malory Archer : God damn it!

  Sterling Archer : I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.

  Malory Archer : Ass.

• Woman : [looking from behind shower certain with fellow]  Hey, freaky bigtime.

  Sterling Archer : Ah!

  Woman : You owe us a hundred thousand bhat!

  Sterling Archer : Oh, uh, right, yeah, yeah. No- no problem. Oh, and I've got an extra twenty thousand if you're genetic females.

  [they open the curtain wide, revealing themselves entirely to Archer; of them we see only their soapy backsides] 

  Sterling Archer : [looks at their crotches in turn]  Super.

• Pam Poovey : [stopping at the janitor's closet]  I'll catch up. I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.

  Cyril Figgis : Why the hell do you need urinal cakes.

  Pam Poovey : For my shower at home.

  Lana Kane : Gross.

  Ray Gillette : Oh, gross.

  Cyril Figgis : Oh, Lord.

  [Pam goes in, walks to the industrial sink, looks left and right, then leans forward to look into the soap dispenser. The soap reservoir retracts and drops, revealing a retinal scanner. "RS#: 934-TXS / ID: shiro kabocha STATUS: UNLOCKED". The back wall retracts upward, the other side of which is made to look like a Japanese paper wall] 

  Pam Poovey : Mrs. Archer looked like a mule kicked her in the face.

  [Behind the wall is a Japanese-style hot spring spa, plete with bonsai trees, lanterns, and Krieger enjoying it holding two tokkuri of saké] 

  Pam Poovey : How's the water?

  Doctor Krieger : Sweet baby James, it is perfect, um... uh...

  Pam Poovey , Doctor Krieger : Pam.

  Doctor Krieger : Yes, of course, I know you're...

  [Pam drops her skirt, then discards her top, completely nude save for her earrings] 

  Pam Poovey : So I gained the weight back! Sue me!

  Doctor Krieger : No, I was...

  Pam Poovey : Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled. Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.

  Doctor Krieger : Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.

  Pam Poovey : Oh, yeah. It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up. It's supposed to say "TCB". "Takin' Care of Beave-ness".

  Doctor Krieger : [she gets in the water, he hands her a tokkuri]  Super. Kampai.

  Sterling Archer , Kintaru Sato : Kampai.

• Sterling Archer : [riding across "Ken's" shoulders]  Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs, and then all the remaining ones?

• [last lines] 

  Sterling Archer : And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.

  Malory Archer : What? You knew about this?

  Sterling Archer : Yeah, I was on the planning committee. I'm not a huge fan of change.

  Sterling Archer : [steps out, laughs]  Except for you, Milton!

  [Archer's laugh fades into the distance as Milton rolls into Malory's office, stops in front of her, then ejects 6 slices of toast. She glares] 

• Sterling Archer : And, how the hell did you find me?

  Malory Archer : I didn't, the CIA did.

  Sterling Archer : Oh, and how are your new overlords?

  Malory Archer : Oh, for the- They're not- Look, think of it as more of a merger.

  Sterling Archer : Ha!

  Malory Archer : [as ISIS signage is being rolled away behind Malory]  Organizations change. They evolve. They grow. Unlike some people I know.

• Malory Archer : To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.

  Sterling Archer : It's not a usual one, Mother. In case you forgot, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.

  [Archer's room is a mess: empty drink containers, food containers, and clothes strewn around the room, frames hanging askew on the wall along with splatter stains and hand prints; a golf cart and a complete bunch of bananas just inside the door; and a baby muntjac] 

  Malory Archer : [scoffs]  Join the club. But for god's sake, six weeks is long enough.

  [muntjac barks] 

  Sterling Archer : Really? It's been six weeks?

  Malory Archer : Yes, so sober up and get some penicillin shots, because...

  Lana Kane : Is that Archer?

  Sterling Archer : Is that Lana?

  Lana Kane : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to him.

  Sterling Archer : [simultaneously]  Let me talk to her.

  [Malory holds the phone away from Lana] 

  Lana Kane : [loudly so the phone could pick her up]  So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.J. was born? Did reality set in?

  Sterling Archer : I- Wait, was that rhetorical?

  Sterling Archer : [feeding the muntjac a banana]  Because the next time you decide to use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe *that* decision should *include that other somebody*!

  [muntjac barks, leaps away, and crashes into something] 

  Lana Kane : Who? "That other somebody" who runs away at the thought of responsibility and, as we speak, is up to his eyeballs in cobra whiskey and ladyboy hookers?

  Sterling Archer : [laughs]  Oh, that is- that is...

  [Archer notices he's about to take a swig from the bottle of said cobra whiskey] 

  Sterling Archer : You don't know me!

  Lana Kane : Ha!

  [twittering laughter is heard coming from the bathroom] 

• Sterling Archer : [sighs]  Well, I hope you're happy, because I feel like a total dick.

  [Archer is marching Sato through the jungle, hands bound and at gunpoint] 

  Sterling Archer : And also kinda racist. And I resent you making me feel like that, so...

  [pause] 

  Sterling Archer : [scoffs]  I'm not a racist.

  [next scene, Ray is fanning Malory with a Japanese paper fan] 

  Malory Archer : [sobbing]  Oh, I just wanted it to be all white!

• Kintaru Sato : At least give me the gun.

  Sterling Archer : [primes the weapon]  I'll give you the bullets!

  Kintaru Sato : You'd rather we both die?

  Sterling Archer : I'm honestly kind of on the fence!

• [Abbiejean cries] 

  Malory Archer : [to Abbiejean]  Oh, shut up.

  Sterling Archer , Lana Kane : [to Malory]  Hey!

  Lana Kane : I'm not jealous about the mission. I'm upset because no one knew where you were. And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my god, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean...

  Sterling Archer : No, yeah, I- and I, ya know, I want to. But are we married to "Abbiejean", or...?

  Malory Archer : Believe me, I tried.

  Lana Kane : Zip it, Gee-baw!

  Malory Archer : [gasps]  No! I will not be called Gee-baw! It's Grandmother Archer or nothing!

  Lana Kane : Then hush.

  Lana Kane : [to Archer]  Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.

  Sterling Archer : Lana, they're just gonna get broken.

  Lana Kane : [weary sigh]  I am now going to feed our child. If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.

  Sterling Archer : I would! I would love to talk, Lana.

  Sterling Archer : [drinks]  Just don't wanna listen.

  [drinks again as Lana sighs wearily again and wheels out baby Abbiejean]