Last Man Standing (TV Series)

Big Shots (2014)

Tim Allen: Mike Baxter

Quotes 

• Mike Baxter : Those of you waging a war against vaccinations, you're going to lose that war, vaccines won the Revolutionary War. See at that time there was a big outbreak of small pox, not to be confused with great pox, which is what they called syphilis, that led to the great 18th century pick up line, "Come on baby, it's only small pox." Anyhoo, the British had a natural immunity to small pox, so in a early version of biological warfare, they would intentionally spread the disease to our colonists by sneezing in public or borrowing our chap stick. We had our own secret weapon: George Washington. He would inoculate the troops using a technique called variolation. If you're eating right now I'd suggest you put down that fork. Because variolation is where you poke one of your infected buddy's infected sores and insert the goo under your own healthy skin. This led to the popular 18th century expression, "This century is gross!" But it worked. The small pox rates plummeted and we won the war. So you see if it hadn't been for vaccinations we would have lost the war, we'd all be British, football would be soccer, we'd be eating bangers and mash, and "spotted dick" would be dessert.

• Mike Baxter : [to Ryan]  Don't you want to lick your kid goodbye?

• Vanessa Baxter : [Ryan is standing outside so he doesn't catch chicken pox]  Some selfish parent, all the other other kids had their shots, why should I?

  Kristin Baxter : Or a thoughtful well informed parent who knows the vaccine can make their child sicker than the disease, I chose not to vaccinate Boyd.

  Mike Baxter : You what!

  Ryan : You what! Seriously I can't hear you, speak up!

• Ryan : Scared of a little boy?

  Mike Baxter : This coming from the guy who took one look at him and left for three years.

• Vanessa Baxter : Can you believe there's another Kardashian?

  Mike Baxter : Like cars, comes out with a new model every year, got that new Kar-dashian smell.

• Mike Baxter : Acne's not contagious.

  Mandy Baxter : I don't know that, kids at school stayed away from them, treated them like leopards.

  Vanessa Baxter : I think you mean leper.

  Mandy Baxter : The D's silent, I didn't know that.

• Eve Baxter : Mandy just called me mean.

  Mandy Baxter : Eve called Kyle a loser.

  Mike Baxter : I think you're both really onto something.