- Ms. LaBonz: [over the school P.A] Attention, Wagstaff student body. The fall musical is coming up and we're not doing "Grease" again. I can't! I'm not doing it!
- Gene Belcher: [after Tina explains the reason for being in Courtney's play]
- [about Tina and Jimmy Jr]
- Gene Belcher: But your characters don't even end up together!
- Tina Belcher: We're all allowed to interpret the movie differently.
- Doug: No, they definitely don't end up together.
- Tina Belcher: Eh, to each his own.
- Doug: No, they really don't.
- Tina Belcher: Well, comme ci, comme sa.
- Doug: All right, well, now you're just saying words.
- Linda Belcher: Oh, my God, our kids are in competing musicals! I always dreamed this night would happen. Aw...
- Bob Belcher: That's your dream?
- Linda Belcher: Yeah. Tina's the president and this.
- Gene Belcher: I want to just go home and crawl into bed and have a good, long dutch oven cry.
- Tina Belcher: Buck up, Gene. It's like I scream into my pillow every time I don't get a horse on my birthday.
- [through gritted teeth]
- Tina Belcher: There's always next year!
- Courtney: [to Gene] Nobody wants to watch you running around changing wigs!
- Gene Belcher: Tell that to British Parliament!
- Gene Belcher: [to Courtney] Well, maybe we can be in each other's plays.
- Courtney: I... what?
- Gene Belcher: We just need three and a half hours to prepare.
- Bob Belcher: Gene, it's 9:30 and I have a lot of sweat in my underwear.
- Gene Belcher: Fine, fine. 25 minutes.
- Doug: [to Gene] I'm sorry, but that keyboard is adorable. Did you rescue it from a shelter?
- Courtney: Nice one, Daddy.
- Gene Belcher: Well, where'd you get your keyboard, Doug? The Too-Big Keyboard Store?
- Linda Belcher: That man hit my son with a shoulder pad.
- Doug: Hold on! I accidentally grabbed a shoulder pad. Maybe it went flying, maybe not.
- Mr. Frond: Now, who wants to tell me what happened?
- Gene Belcher: I'll tell it!
- Doug: Well, hey, why does he get to tell it?
- Linda Belcher: Because he's my beautiful boy, that's why.
- Gene Belcher: Yeah, and you're just someone's dad.
- Courtney: Yeah, my dad.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Well, Mom, I guess I don't have the dashing good looks and charm of a medium-young Harrison Ford.
- Linda Belcher: Hey, we don't know all the crazy crap our kids are doing.
- Bob Belcher: We don't want to know.
- Bob Belcher: I... I have to admit, watching one person do "Die Hard" is a little... bad.
- Gene Belcher: [gasps] Father!
- Linda Belcher: Hey, at least Gene's was raw! From the gut. Courtney's was all slick like a kid didn't even do it.
- Doug: That's because a kid could never do it. Never!
- Bob Belcher: Oh, yeah? My son's not the one who promised Carly Simon and then left everyone hanging!
- Doug: She just texted me that she was car-jacked, but she's still going to try to make it!
- Mr. Frond: Now, there's a lot of parents and children waiting out there that came to see the fall musical, but it seems that we have some conflict going on here. Luckily, conflict has one enemy: me.