- [first lines]
- Mike: That was great.
- Melanie Moretti: Mm-hm.
- Mike: You are amazing!
- Melanie Moretti: Thank you, you're not so bad yourself.
- Mike: So, do you want to spoon?
- Melanie Moretti: Yeah.
- [Mike rolls away from Melanie]
- Joy Scroggs: *He* wants to be the little spoon?
- Melanie Moretti: Yes. Which makes me the big spoon!
- Victoria Chase: That's crazy!
- Melanie Moretti: I know!
- Elka Ostrovsky: No woman should be the jet pack.
- Victoria Chase: Well, was the sex worth it?
- Melanie Moretti: He did a couple of things; two that were good, one not so good. It's rare to find a man that's good at that, let's face it.
- Joy Scroggs: What do you think, Simon?
- Simon: I think you're confirming my worst fear that anything I do in bed will be analyzed and dissected by a pack of critical females.
- Joy Scroggs: *You* have nothing to worry about.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Yeah, we have no idea you're an uncut jewel.
- Simon: Halle Berry is in town visiting relatives, and Star Magazine wants a shot. If I can find the smallest trace of cellulite on her thighs, I'll get the cover.
- Melanie Moretti: A shot of Helle Berry with cellulite would make my day.
- Victoria Chase: Now, I just have to stage my funeral.
- Elka Ostrovsky: I'll take care of that.
- Victoria Chase: Have you ever planned a funeral before?
- Elka Ostrovsky: I've been planning three of 'em since you moved in.
- Joy Scroggs: I can't imagine what it's going to be like living here without you.
- Victoria Chase: I know. I've been the sun that you three revolve around. But still, I know; it's hard to say good-bye.
- Elka Ostrovsky: You're making it easier.
- Elka Ostrovsky: [eulogy at funeral] Victoria Chase may have been vain, bubble-headed, and crazy...
- Melanie Moretti: But?
- Melanie Moretti: There's no but.
- Susan Lucci: [entering the funeral] May I say something, please?
- Victoria Chase: [snarls] Lucci!
- Susan Lucci: Thank you so much. And thank you, Victoria, for so many, many, many years of work, rising before dawn to put on all that makeup in a brave but futile attempt to hide the ravages of time. And now, picturing her in a coffin reminds me of those performances: stiff and lifeless; held together with chemicals and glue. Something best buried and forgotten. Oh, Victoria, I promised myself I wouldn't cry... and I've kept that promise. Thank you.
- [she picks up Victoria's Emmy statuette. Victoria gasps]
- Susan Lucci: What? We all know I deserved to win that year.
- [leaves with the Emmy]
- [last lines]
- Joy Scroggs: Just how unflattering was Gwyneth's bathing suit?
- Simon: Hideous. Flattened her breasts and gave her back fat.
- Joy Scroggs: Ah! yes!