Community (TV Series)

Cooperative Polygraphy (2014)

Walton Goggins: Mr. Stone

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jeff Winger : I know what Pierce is referring to. I have a box of "forgotten items" in my apartment. I happen to be a single male. Visitors leave things.

  Mr. Stone : Is one of your trophies a pair of Ms. Perry's panties?

  Britta Perry : [gasps]  You told me a hawk stole them! You exploited me, and made me believe in a slightly more magical world!

  Abed Nadir : If you want to collect women's underwear, can't you just buy them?

  Jeff Winger : They have to be won in battle.

  Annie Edison : Ugh! Gross!

  Shirley Bennett : [simultaneously]  Jeffrey!

  Troy Barnes : Awesome.

• Mr. Stone : Troy Barnes. Did you know that you possess the greatest gift life can give? The heart of a hero. And that it's up to you not to waste it like I did?

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Winger, state your name.

  Jeff Winger : Jeffrey Winger.

  Mr. Stone : Are you gay?

  Jeff Winger : No.

  Mr. Stone : Are you sure you're not gay?

  Jeff Winger : Yes.

  Mr. Stone : Gay-murderer-says-what?

  Jeff Winger : What?

  Mara : He's telling the truth.

  Mr. Stone : I've been instructed to point out that that means you're gay.

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Chang, state your name.

  Ben Chang : Benjamin Franklin Chang, ready to deal out the truth. Nothing to hide, let's do this.

  Mr. Stone : Have you ever masturbated in the study room?

  [Chang walks out of the room] 

• Mr. Stone : [Reading Pierce's will]  "Jeff Winger, did you know you're gay?"

  Jeff Winger : No.

  Mr. Stone : "Agree to disagree. To you, I leave this bottle of fine scotch so that you're less tempted to drink this cylinder of even finer sperm."

• Mr. Stone : Abed Nadir, did you know that you're insane and nothing that you said ever made any sense to me?

  Abed Nadir : Yep.

  Mr. Stone : Here's your sperm.

• Mr. Stone : [Reading Pierce's will]  "To Miss Perry, I leave my iPod Nano filled with music to take life less seriously by."

  Britta Perry : Oh, that's nice.

  Mr. Stone : "I also leave you this liquid nitrogen cooled cylinder of my hyper-virile sperm in case your lesbian lifestyle one day wears out and you wish to raise an army of geniuses."

• Mr. Stone : [the group is taking lie detector tests]  You can quit anytime you like, but it should be noted that Mr. Hawthorne's estate is worth over $20,000,000, and only those cleared of his murder can receive their bequeathments.

  Jeff Winger : I'm only gonna say this once. Clearly, Pierce is trying to lure us into a labyrinth of emotional manipulation and strategic instigation. And I think we're all smart enough to know we should quit while we're not ahead.

  Shirley Bennett : I do believe we should...

  Annie Edison : Yes, definitely.

  Troy Barnes : Absolutely.

  Abed Nadir : Yep.

  Britta Perry : Uh huh.

  Mara : They're all lying.

  Shirley Bennett : We all know that, ya judgemental bitch!

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Barnes, state your name.

  Troy Barnes : Troy Barnes. D'oh! I meant to say "Butts Carlton."

  Mara : He did mean to say "Butts Carlton."

• Mr. Stone : Miss Edison, did you use your exceptional intelligence and organizational skills to plot the foolproof murder of Pierce Hawthorne?

  Annie Edison : [Pleased]  Awww! And no.

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Nadir, state your name.

  Abed Nadir : Abed Nadir.

  Mr. Stone : Have you ever 9/11'd anyone?

• Mr. Stone : Are you a dishonest person?

  Shirley Bennett : No.

  Mara : She thinks that's true.

• Troy Barnes : Just a reminder you gotta live life to the fullest. By the time Pierce was my age he had already been fired from 15 jobs. I've only seen two Police Academies. The last two.

  Jeff Winger : Well, he's gone too soon but won't be soon forgotten.

  Mr. Stone : I would say you're quite correct, Mr. Winger.

  Jeff Winger : Who the hell are you?

  Mr. Stone : I am Mr. Stone.

  Troy Barnes : That's easy for you to say... and for us to say.

• Mr. Stone : Mr. Chang, I presume. You're also listed as a suspect and requested to participate.

  Ben Chang : Fine, but I ask the questions.

  Mr. Stone : I'm afraid I can't allow that.

  Ben Chang : All right, then just the "fine" part.

• Mr. Stone : Shirley, did you know that Britta was high on marijuana at your son's baptism?

  Shirley Bennett : [Annoyed]  I'm sorry?

  Britta Perry : Well, no higher than usual.

  Mara : Not true.

  Shirley Bennett : You did drugs in my church?

  Britta Perry : No, I did drugs in the parking lot of your church. How else do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? At least with a bris there's an element of suspense.

  Shirley Bennett : Well, next time, I'll have Cheech and Chong do the warm-up!

  Jeff Winger : Guys, these questions are obviously designed to turn us against each other. If we want to beat Pierce at his game, we have to own up to our mistakes and forgive each other.

  Mr. Stone : Mr. Winger, is it true that you keep trophies of your sexual conquests?

  Jeff Winger : In a church, Britta? For shame. It's where Jesus gets his mail.