- Abed Nadir: [Pretending to read the crime scenes as a psychic] I see a man... using a social disorder as a procedural device. Wait, wait, wait, I see another man. Mildly autistic super detectives everywhere. Basic cable, broadcast networks. Pain. Painful writing. It hurts.
- Dean Pelton: [Speaking to Annie after he tells her she's suspended] Don't tell me what I can't do. What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz?
- Neil: Pierce Hawthorne, 14-year Greendale student, entrepreneur, and expert heart attack faker has passed away, for real this time. Pierce had been recently banned from campus, but not from our hearts. He's survived by many ex-wives and all of us here at Greendale that called him friend. If you're listening, Pierce, you were a hell of a D&D player. It's time to level up.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: You really think that's an effective...
- Dean Pelton: Well, guess what, your two cents is change, and it's banned.
- Professor Ian Duncan: The nature of the Ass Crack Bandit's crimes would suggest that he's angry or just fell in love.
- Britta Perry: We know that he hates money or loves it or doesn't care about money and hates butts or loves them.
- Dean Pelton: You not cool! You unprofessional! I'm punishing you, Jeffrey. Starting next week, you are the new coach of the water polo team.
- Jeff Winger, Annie Edison: What?
- Dean Pelton: That's right. Every morning, in the water...
- [His phone rings and he answers it]
- Dean Pelton: Mmm. Craig Pelton, Dean and assistant water polo coach.
- Ass Crack Bandit: I am the bringer of change. I am the filler of cracks.
- Dean Pelton: We did, in fact, receive a letter an hour after the incident, including details not known to the public, about the brand of Garrett's underwear. Hanes His Ways.
- Britta Perry: [Reads] "I am the Ass Crack Bandit. Humans make better banks than piggies. Whenever I get more change at the store, I can't wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and make all my dollars into change and drop it all down there."
- Shirley Bennett: He should be called "The Run-on Sentence Bandit."
- Dean Pelton: [Reads note from the ACB] "I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can't stop me, because what are you gonna do, not have butts?" Oof.
- Jeff Winger: These are Dave lyrics.
- Annie Edison: Dave?
- Jeff Winger: Dave Matthews. Hard-core fans call him Dave.
- [Annie gives him a look]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, excuse me for being alive in the '90s... and having two ears connected to a heart.
- Ass Crack Bandit: It's funny how close your two little helpers came to catching me. I liked watching them run in circles. But I wonder... are they chasing me as an excuse to get near each other? I mean, get a room already.
- Jeff Winger: We're friends!
- Annie Edison: Jeff, come on! You know how this school works. We do it, or it doesn't get done. The men on our coins understood that. Maybe the Ass Crack Bandit's point is that we're letting our values slide.
- Jeff Winger: Or maybe he's a frat boy coming from the laundromat. The important question is "who cares?"
- Annie Edison: For the record, I tried to get something done about this two years ago.
- Dean Pelton: This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school. This is the biggest P.R. crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.
- Jeff Winger: "I am the mad hatter, if hats were butts. I am neither left nor right. I am the space between. To me, you're all like ants marching to class, freaks on parade." I mean, why mix metaphors? Ants don't have butts.
- [Beat]
- Jeff Winger: Wait a minute.
- Annie Edison: Ants DO have butts.
- Troy Barnes: So please, approve the Dean's new security measure called "Troy's law.", because a camera in the bathroom...
- [He chokes up]
- Troy Barnes: is better than a quarter in your butt.
- Dean Pelton: As we've seen, the Ass Crack Bandit can be defeated by using the three "B"s: Belts, briefs, and buddies. Good. The bandit always gets his victims when they're alone. Bend over with friends over.
- Dean Pelton: Oh! Trace the call, Rhonda!
- [Snaps hs fingers]
- Dean Pelton: This means trace the call!
- Rhonda: Look at the extension.
- Dean Pelton: 594, okay. Tracing... Tracing. Got it, the stables! We have stables?
- Jeff Winger: Annie, I took this case because I wanted to help you.
- Annie Edison: [Indicates he has his hands on her shulders] Then what is this?
- Jeff Winger: It's platonic shoulder holding. Look. Leonard, hello, how are you?
- [He puts his hands on Leonard's shoulder's and Leonard leans in for a kiss]
- Annie Edison: It's a guy who puts quarters down butt cracks, Jeff. Let's just let it go.
- [Jeff walks away and Annie sighs]
- Leonard: We can do better.
- Dean Pelton: From this moment, people, we are at DEFCON 4... If that's the highest DEFCON, and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones.
- Professor Ian Duncan: There's a whole album of photos online if you go to... You actually wouldn't be able to access it. I use an older, British form of Facebook called Mug-scroll.
- Annie Edison: I questioned Guterman. We can cross him off. The first cracking, he was chaperoning Greendale's science dance. The student that attended can vouch for him.
- Jeff Winger: I checked out Mrs. Plimpton. Airtight alibi. She's dead.
- Annie Edison: Not going to the dance?
- Professor Ian Duncan: I'll go later. Actually, would you mind coming to get me when Britta's drunk?
- Annie Edison: Dean, I think it's a teacher.
- Dean Pelton: I beg your what?
- Annie Edison: I have evidence that shows...
- Dean Pelton: Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening.
- [Raises one index finger]
- Dean Pelton: Exhibit "A,"
- [raises the other index finger]
- Dean Pelton: exhibit "B."
- [puts moth fingers on his ears, covering them]
- Dean Pelton: Lalalalalala.
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh, bloody hell, my shoe is untied by British standards.
- [He bends over to tie it]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Here we go. One bunny, two bunnies.
- [He gets cracked]
- Professor Ian Duncan: Oh! Get Britta!
- Professor Bublitz: [Holding a pot of cannabis] If you're going to confiscate this, know one thing. It's a mild, kind sativa, perfect for playing guitar.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: I think it's spending too much money on a crime that nets you 25 cents a pop.
- Dean Pelton: No, no. This was free.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt.