Community (TV Series)

Basic Intergluteal Numismatics (2014)

Jim Rash: Dean Pelton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dean Pelton : [Speaking to Annie after he tells her she's suspended]  Don't tell me what I can't do. What do you think you are, Cosmo's July quiz?

• Dean Pelton : [Speaking to Annie]  You want to make trouble? Go to Parker Brothers.

• Dean Pelton : Okay, I am hereby banning change from this campus.

  Professor Buzz Hickey : You really think that's an effective...

  Dean Pelton : Well, guess what, your two cents is change, and it's banned.

• Dean Pelton : You not cool! You unprofessional! I'm punishing you, Jeffrey. Starting next week, you are the new coach of the water polo team.

  Jeff Winger , Annie Edison : What?

  Dean Pelton : That's right. Every morning, in the water...

  [His phone rings and he answers it] 

  Dean Pelton : Mmm. Craig Pelton, Dean and assistant water polo coach.

• Dean Pelton : We did, in fact, receive a letter an hour after the incident, including details not known to the public, about the brand of Garrett's underwear. Hanes His Ways.

  Britta Perry : [Reads]  "I am the Ass Crack Bandit. Humans make better banks than piggies. Whenever I get more change at the store, I can't wait to drop it down your butts. I think I will go to the bank and get so much change and make all my dollars into change and drop it all down there."

  Shirley Bennett : He should be called "The Run-on Sentence Bandit."

• Dean Pelton : [Reads note from the ACB]  "I hope you enjoyed my work again. You can't stop me, because what are you gonna do, not have butts?" Oof.

• Annie Edison : For the record, I tried to get something done about this two years ago.

  Dean Pelton : This is not about you, Annie. This is about the school. This is the biggest P.R. crisis to hit Greendale since we held that rally protesting the wrong Korea.

• Troy Barnes : So please, approve the Dean's new security measure called "Troy's law.", because a camera in the bathroom...

  [He chokes up] 

  Troy Barnes : is better than a quarter in your butt.

  Dean Pelton : As we've seen, the Ass Crack Bandit can be defeated by using the three "B"s: Belts, briefs, and buddies. Good. The bandit always gets his victims when they're alone. Bend over with friends over.

• Dean Pelton : Oh! Trace the call, Rhonda!

  [Snaps hs fingers] 

  Dean Pelton : This means trace the call!

  Rhonda : Look at the extension.

  Dean Pelton : 594, okay. Tracing... Tracing. Got it, the stables! We have stables?

• Dean Pelton : From this moment, people, we are at DEFCON 4... If that's the highest DEFCON, and if high DEFCONs are worse than low ones.

• Annie Edison : Dean, I think it's a teacher.

  Dean Pelton : I beg your what?

  Annie Edison : I have evidence that shows...

  Dean Pelton : Yeah, and I have evidence that shows I'm not listening.

  [Raises one index finger] 

  Dean Pelton : Exhibit "A,"

  [raises the other index finger] 

  Dean Pelton : exhibit "B."

  [puts moth fingers on his ears, covering them] 

  Dean Pelton : Lalalalalala.

• Professor Buzz Hickey : I think it's spending too much money on a crime that nets you 25 cents a pop.

  Dean Pelton : No, no. This was free.

  Professor Buzz Hickey : Then I think you just admitted you already owned a fake butt.