Last Man Standing (TV Series)

Ryan vs. John Baker (2013)

Tim Allen: Mike Baxter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mike Baxter : [seated in a canoe]  Hey, Mike Baxter here

  [slaps at mosquito on neck] 

  Mike Baxter : for Outdoor Man. Why do people feel like they need to go with the flow? I like to chart my own course... use my effort to make my boat go where I want it to go. But, some people love conformity.

  [looks through binoculars as black and white archive footage of crowds of Chinese saluting Mao plays] 

  Mike Baxter : Ah, the communist party. This is what happens when everyone is forced to be exactly the same. And then there are *these* poor stupid bastards...

  [looks to the other side of the river as lemmings are shown going over a cliff] 

  Mike Baxter : normal little Obama supporters. They must think universal healthcare is at the bottom of that cliff. No, just little lemming death panels. America is great because of people who think for themselves. Innovators like Bill Gates, Ronald Reagan, Howard Swifson. Who is Howard Swifson, you ask? He's the CEO of Swifson Watercraft, the developer of the light-weight carbon fiber canoe paddle. Amazing. Wonder where you could find one?

  [holds up paddle to display logo] 

  Mike Baxter : How about Outdoor Man? So now remember, everyone do exactly as I say and start thinking for yourselves.

• [first lines] 

  Mike Baxter : [from off screen]  Hey Eve, can you come out an help me for a minute, please?

  Eve Baxter : Okay.

  [walks out into back yard] 

  Eve Baxter : Where *are* you? Dad? Da-ad, you out here?

  [a nearby shrubbery reaches out and attaches a snack bag clip to the back of her camo shirt] 

  Eve Baxter : Hey! Dammit!

  Mike Baxter : You have been clipped.

  [makes gun gestures with his hands] 

  Eve Baxter : You're in a Ghillie suit. That's no fair.

  Mike Baxter : This is a war game. What do you mean, "It's not fair"? Do you think the Taliban has chip clips? They don't have stuff like this. They *hate* us for our freshness.

• Vanessa Baxter : [walking out of the house]  Mike, how long are you two going to play this stupid game?

  Mike Baxter : It's not stupid.

  Vanessa Baxter : I've got Fritos here that have turned into roof tiles.

  Mike Baxter : These tactics could save our daughter's life in combat.

  Vanessa Baxter : Great, another *bush* starting an unnecessary war.

• [last lines] 

  Vanessa Baxter : [reading in bed]  Honey, that was really nice of you to give Ryan a job.

  Mike Baxter : [walking out of bathroom]  Well, it's the night shift. I'm just doing my part to make sure the grandchild population stays at one.

  Vanessa Baxter : Yep, good night.

  [turns off lamp] 

  Mike Baxter : Whoa, whoa, whoa, we're not done here.

  Vanessa Baxter : We're not?

  Mike Baxter : Don't I get a reward for being such a nice guy?

  [climbing into bed] 

  Vanessa Baxter : [smiling]  Yeah, well, as long as nice guys don't finish first.

  Mike Baxter : You can consider that a compliment.

  Eve Baxter : [appearing from behind the window curtain]  Oh god, I can't take it anymore.

  [hurries towards door, stops to throw chip clips into wastebasket] 

  Eve Baxter : I quit. I quit, you win. Why did I think this was a safe place to hide?

  [closes door behind her] 

  Mike Baxter : I *knew* that'd flush her out. Good night, Babe.

  [turns off lamp] 

• Mike Baxter : You can't keep sleeping on my couch. I want the memory foam to have a chance to forget about you.

• Mike Baxter : [to John]  I'm proud of you, son, if you don't mind me calling you son. It just seems to fit.