- Vin Serento: That's the real deal. But it's not the car you drive. It's the driver who's driving the car... that's doing the driving.
- Police Officer: [on radio] We have a black guy in a white neighborhood minding his own business. All units respond. Repeat, all units respond.
- Officer Lucas White: I wanna race. And I got the pink slip to my car that says I can take all of you.
- Curtis: You think you can just stroll up and race Vince Serento!
- Vin Serento: What are you drivin'?
- Officer Lucas White: A car. With unicorns
- [Surprised reaction from crowd]
- Vin Serento: If we're gonna pull off this heist, we're gonna need a bigger crew. A black guy, an Asian guy, and a beautiful model making her acting debut.
- Officer Lucas White: How do you do that?
- Vin Serento: What?
- Officer Lucas White: You describe them, and then like, instantly they're here.
- Vin Serento: What are you grinning about?
- Officer Lucas White: I almost beat you.
- Vin Serento: You almost beat me? You not only can't beat me, you can't even beat yourself.
- Officer Lucas White: Not true Serento. I've been beating myself since junior high.
- [Vin stops Curtis from pouring motor oil in Lucas' mouth]
- Vin Serento: What are you doing? You're going to kill him.
- [looks at label 'Sundae Syrup']
- Vin Serento: You know how fattening this stuff is!
- Curtis: He's a cop! I saw him snooping around.
- Officer Lucas White: I ain't no cop!
- Curtis: You're wearing a wire!
- [Curtis pulls up Lucas' shirt to reveal a tape recorder and a microphone underneath]
- GPS Voice: Right turn in 200 feet.
- Vin Serento: Damn it, missed the turn.
- GPS Voice: Bald loser.
- Vin Serento: I shave my head because it makes me look cool and tough.
- GPS Voice: Oh darn. Your dashboard is dirty. Could use some... Mr. Clean.
- Vin Serento: I'm not going bald is that's what you're implying.
- GPS Voice: Whatever, penis head.
- Vin Serento: Just because I'm bald with thick veiny neck muscles, does not make me a penis head! Damn it.
- Officer Lucas White: Why don't you just drive the car yourself?
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: I would, but I have a million unpaid parking tickets. So they raised my insurance premium. Besides that, the car is like a cop magnet, you know?
- Officer Lucas White: You tried Geko? 15 minutes can save you 15%.
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: Yes. But it was still too high.
- Vin Serento: Then De La Sol will start working your face like a punching bag. All in an effect to get De La Sol to build up a nice sweat. So Model Turned Actress can collect a DNA sample from his upper ass crack.
- Cool Asian Guy: Ass crack?
- Vin Serento: The purest form of DNA.
- Vin Serento: Count it. Make sure it's all there.
- Officer Lucas White: Nah, these guys seem alright to me.
- [Case opens and bomb falls out]
- Officer Lucas White: Uh, oh.
- Officer Lucas White: Why are you there? You're not a tough girl. Sure, on the outside you have this take no shit hard exterior. But on the inside... you're completely different.
- Jordana: I am?
- Officer Lucas White: You're ideal night is cuddling up with your snuggy and watching your favourite movies. The notebook, Dear john and the Human Centipede.
- Officer Lucas White: If Serento ever found out I was an undercover cop he would kill me.
- Detective Hanover: Don't worry. I erased your files. No one on the force even knows you're a cop. Your secret dies with me.
- Vin Serento: I got a bad feeling about this.
- [Thug puts his finger to his throat and pretends to slice it]
- Officer Lucas White: Why?
- Vin Serento: Listen to the score. Dissonant chord progression. heavy use of strong oboe. It all seems quite ominous.
- [Epic dramatic music plays]
- Thug: What was the middle part again?
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: What? Uh... building, guarded.
- Thug: No. No... ah.
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: The vault?
- Thug: No. No, not that... the...
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: Kill Serento.
- Thug: Right. now I understand. Guard the building and put Serento in the vault!
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: No. No. I just better text you the deets. It's probably best.
- Thug: It's probably best.
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: [Sends text] Now you have the instruction in your cellphone.
- Vin Serento: We ride at dawn.
- Officer Lucas White: Dawn? Really?
- Vin Serento: What's wrong with dawn?
- Officer Lucas White: It's so early, dawn is before breakfast.
- Cool Asian Guy: Yeah, and I'm no good without breakfast.
- Vin Serento: Fine. We ride after breakfast.
- Officer Lucas White: How about we all go out for breakfast Ihop would be fun.
- Michelle: Yeah. That's good. That's good.
- Rapper Cameo: Their pancakes are the best.
- Vin Serento: We ride... after Ihop.
- Female Newscaster: Police have been ordered to shoot this man.
- [Photo of Lucas is shown]
- Female Newscaster: Police are also encouraging Angelenos to take the law into their own hands. If you see this man, please shoot him, stab him or if the opportunity arises, slap him upside the head.
- Jose: I have more information senor. I was going to tell you but you stabbed me.
- Juan Carlos de la Sol: Yeah, well, you must always kill the messenger. That's sort of how we roll, right?
- Officer Lucas White: He came back and told me to smoke up, because he was leaving. I was eight years old.
- Vin Serento: You were just a kid. It wasn't your fault.
- Officer Lucas White: He kinda said it was. He said before I was born he used to have sex with my mom all the time. And they would go out and see movies. And travel to interesting places like Napa Valley or Belize. But now he couldn't do anything fun anymore.
- Vin Serento: But you still had your mom.
- Officer Lucas White: Well, he made such a compelling argument that she left too.
- Vin Serento: You grew up in an orphanage?
- Officer Lucas White: And from foster home to foster home. Seems that no one wants a perfectly good blue eyed white baby anymore. Unless you're from Namibia with flies buzzing around your eyeballs, your no good to anyone.
- Vin Serento: You can't fight celebrity trends. Branganliena, Madonna, Sandy Bullock. They all have black babies.
- Officer Lucas White: I know.
- Officer Lucas White: It's just that maybe I'm not the right guy for the job. I mean I don't exactly fit in. I'm really white.
- Detective Hanover: You'll be fine.
- Officer Lucas White: I'm so white that I went to an all white boarding school. my nickname was cracker.
- Officer Lucas White: I get it.
- Officer Lucas White: No, I don't think you do. I love hockey, I water ski, I have a favourite lacrosse team. I have a crush on Martha Stewart. People mistake me for the WikiLeaks guy.
- Detective Hanover: Okay
- Officer Lucas White: I still buy kid rock albums. I put poperly sachets in my underwear drawer. I wear crocs. I take a weakly zumba class.
- Detective Hanover: Oh for Christs sake
- Officer Lucas White: I cried when Friends went off the air. My favourite actress of all time is Kristen Stewart. And my favourite movie of all time is Pitch Perfect.
- Detective Hanover: Oh dear God.
- Detective Hanover: I'm so white, that I put mayonnaise on sticks then freeze them to make mayonnaise sickles.
- Officer Lucas White: [Lucas and Vin have just beaten a man] Question. Is this 1414 Backer Street?
- Mexican Pastor: This is 1414 Becker Lane.
- Vin Serento: Well whats with all the cash?
- Mexican Pastor: We're a church. It was bingo night. I'm the pastor you asshole.
- Vin Serento: Jorden told me what went down on your date last night.
- Officer Lucas White: About the fondue and flat tire?
- Vin Serento: About the... relations you had with her back at her apartment.
- Officer Lucas White: Sorry Vin, it won't happen again.
- Vin Serento: It better happen again.
- Officer Lucas White: [First Line] Excuse me, I'm looking for the illegal street car race.
- [Man points to a sign. The sign says Dumb Ass White Boy Parking]
- Officer Lucas White: Awesome. Thanks bro.
- Curtis: Popo! Roll out!
- Officer Lucas White: Popo?
- Officer Lucas White: You know? Five 'O? Pigs, bacon, barney, the heat, the law, the fuzz, the man?
- Officer Lucas White: No.
- Curtis: The boys in blue. The thin blue line. Johnny law, smokey, gunshoot, flatfoot. Come on man. Haven't you ever seen an episode of CSI or NCIS or Illinois SBU?
- Officer Lucas White: Are they on Netflix?
- Curtis: I'm out of here.
- [the cops arrive]
- Officer Lucas White: Damn, it's the cops! Thanks for the heads up bro.
- Vin Serento: Now, before you get into the vault, there is a counting room. De La Sol doesn't trust the counter from stealing. So to make sure they are not hiding cash in their clothes he makes them all work butt naked. Everyone's nude. Even the guards. You two will get the jobs as two new counters.
- Michelle: Wait. All these girls are totally naked and super hot?
- Vin Serento: Perfect tits. Every last one of them.
- Detective Johnson: Canaro, what've you got?
- Julie Canaro: There's a camera.
- Detective Johnson: Ya, so?
- Julie Canaro: So, maybe it recorded what happened.
- Detective Johnson: And then what?
- Julie Canaro: And then... and then you could watch the tape and see... who shot him.
- Detective Johnson: It just might work.
- Detective Johnson: How about this t-shirt?
- Julie Canaro: Sir?
- Detective Johnson: Is it tight enough?
- Julie Canaro: Uh, I.
- Detective Johnson: Is it tight enough?
- Julie Canaro: Yes, I mean, I can see your nipples and everything.
- Detective Johnson: You damn right. That's what I was going for.
- Julie Canaro: I'm taking you down town and immediately doing a strip search for weapons.
- Michelle: Full body cavity search?
- Julie Canaro: Definitely.
- Michelle: Thank you God.
- Officer Lucas White: I'm not a cop anymore. I'm with them.
- Detective Johnson: You're going to turn down a thirty two thousand, five hundred dollar a year, before taxes, three unpaid vacation days and a bankrupt pension plan and for what? Run off with a hundred million dollar Scott free, live on an exhausted beach and raise your baby with a beautiful woman?
- Officer Lucas White: Well, ya. It's kinda no brainer.
- Detective Johnson: Damn it!
- Detective Hanover: [Talking to Lucas] You have no family. You got no friends. You scored through the roof on your criminal aptitude test. Take a look. You scored higher than Charles Manson. Dexter. You scored higher than Kanye. It's a fine line which side of the law you even belong on.
- Officer Brooks: Race to Rio?
- Vin Serento: When you gonna learn? You ain't gonna beat me. Usual bet?
- Officer Brooks: Nah. Lets up the stakes. I'm talken all in.
- Vin Serento: Jordana's unborn baby?
- Officer Brooks: Exactly.
- Vin Serento: You're on.
- [Jordana looks scared]
- Officer Brooks: Don't worry babe, I got this.
- Vin Serento: You just hit my smart car. Now it's personaler. It's more personal. It's... I'm taking it personally. It's a personal matter!